letters to strangers

i wish you loved me like you do your dogs. the way you give them love, even in the mornings when youve just woken up and youre cranky. you dont yell at them, you dont care to, its like theyve never wronged you in any way. have i? why dont i recognize it? i wish you would give me even a sliver of the attention you give them. i wish you apologized to me after you yelled at me like you do them. i wish you cared about me in the slightest like you do them.

i wish you loved me like you do your alcohol, your cigarettes, your new wife and life. or do you love them? i guess i wouldnt know, you havent bothered to tell me otherwise. sometimes i wish you would, so maybe then i would know im better here if i am or if im not. i know im not, i know there are other things that would be much better, but i cant find them and i know it isnt you.

i wish you could handle me like you do your clay - softly taking care of it so you know it wont fold, so you know that once its out and its fired and its pressured and hard it wont crack and break unless its dropped by someone careless and unforgiving.

i wish you knew me like you do your friends, your wardrobe, all organized and color coded and smiles because it all works your way. i wish you cared like you do about cleaning your bedroom or keeping your world so immaculate its painful.

i wish you gave me the time of day that you do your garden - giving it tender care and attention to make sure it flourishes and blooms and is beautiful like you insist it is. i really wish it was beautiful, i really wish it still had the chance to be.

i wish i wasnt sitting here, and havent been sitting here, since i hung up the phone. i wish i wasnt wracked with the kind of desperate sobs that come and shake your entire system and make you close your eyes and hold onto the sheets of your bed and just let everything fall because its all hitting you too fast to catch it anyway.

its just sometimes i wish that i was important somehow, that somewhere something cared and would knock on my door and hold me like they meant it like used to happen so often. i know i try. i know i do, thats all i do, thats all youll let me do because i cant get anywhere else in it without your permission.

i wish you weren't so far away. i wish i wasnt so far away. i wish i hadnt pushed everyone away from me. i wish they never wouldve let me.

i guess im sort of just tallying my regrets here. you could say im whiny and wallowing in my own self pity because really none of this means anything to anyone except me. its just hard sometimes, dealing with the fact that everyone around you doesnt get it or thinks they can buy your love or just overall doesnt care.

it just hurts when it all comes down to the fact that ive been raised so cold that when something comes to warm me up somehow, i cant let it because im so fucking afraid that itll be gone so soon.

and i know thats true. and i know its going to happen. and i just wish i was brave enough sometimes. i really wish i was.