Ways to Annoy Voldemort

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1. Ask him why he 'doesn't have such a cool scar?!?!?!?!?

2. Laugh at him.

3. Wake him up by singing Beach Boys songs in his ear. 'Round, round, get around, I get around...'

4. Knit him things. Really hideous things.

5. Give him kangaroo-ears for a month.

6. Smile during Death-Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.

7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess.

8. Dance the Funky Chicken.

9. Ask him when the last time he took a bath was.

10. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.

11. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.

12. Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at night.

13. Call him 'The-man-who-let-the-boy-live'

14. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something 'more socially acceptable?'

15. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.

16. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.

17. Be cheerful.

18. When he tries to impress you with his powers say 'Awwwww, lookit. Voldie's got a twiggle!'

19. Try to teach him to play a mouth organ.

20. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.'

21. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.'

22. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? What’s that, a washing detergent?'

23. Keep a 'good-behavior chart'. Award points and give out gold stars.

24. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.

25. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there....

26. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?

27. Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.

28. 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?'

29. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.

30. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.

31. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drum roll.

32. Exclaim sarcastically 'You're breakin' my little heart here, o dark one' whenever he starts to talk of what has caused to become who he is.

33. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'

34. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.

35. Mock his choice of Quirrel as a 'host'.

36. Tell you think a yoga class could 'cure him of his wicked ways'

37. Get the song 'Mr. Tambourine Man' stuck in his head.

38. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming sessions 'Wingardium Leviosa' a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you 'thought you were helping!'

39. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.

40. Buy him a stress ball.

41. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.

42. Call him Tommy-boy.

43. If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.

44. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes.

45. Say he 'looked better under the turban'

46. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.

47. Endeavor to teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'.

48. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and 'Star Wars'. Talk at great length.

49. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.

50. 'Imperius' his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of 'All Things Bright And Beautiful'

51. Shower him with confetti and rice, anytime you think he needs to make a 'grand entry'.

52. Paint all the Death-Eater masks with bright colors and glitter.

53. Throw him a 'care-bears' themed birthday party.

54. Tell him what Snape's really up to.

55. Politely exclaim now and again that you 'don't know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles'

56. Sing 'California Dreamin' at the top of your lungs when he's trying to have an 'evil moment'

57. Should you ever be eating with him - drum tunes with your cutlery, play with your food and blow bubbles in your chocolate milk.

58. Ask him to dance a polka with you.

59. Work cutesy phrases like 'pushing-up-daisies' and 'smooth-as-a-baby's-bottom' into conversation as much as possible.

60. Ask him if he's sure 'the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?'

61. Get him to play 'Twister' with you.

62. Tell him you know this great therapist in London....

63. Throw Tupperware parties. Insist he sit through them.

64. Tell him you've met plenty of people more evil than he.

65. Hide his teddy bear. That ALWAYS makes him cry.

66. Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he doesn't water it and it dies.

67. Steal, snap and bury his wand.

68. Tell him Lucius did it.

69. Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his whereabouts and contact details.

70. Remind him that he isn't even really alive.

71. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.

72. Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy 'to the cause'

73. Insist on reading him bedtime stories. Include 'The Ugly Duckling'

74. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.

75. When he's done something particularly nasty - cross your arms, waggle a finger and say 'Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?'

76. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of 'that sweet, innocent, cute little boy.'

77. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.

78. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."

79. Leave disgusting and rotting dead things near him. Insist that it is 'Aromatherapy'

80. Begin any question you ask him with 'Riddle me this!' Emphasis on Riddle.

81. Do not EVER act in the slightest way intimidated by him. Treat him as you would an eccentric acquaintance.

82. Cuddle him at random moments.

83. Sign him up for Little-League.

84. Ask him why he's afraid of a frail old man with a beard the size of a beehive and can't fight babies.

85. Throw biscuits at him. Constantly.

86. Tell him you think evil master plans of world domination are 'kind of girlie'

87. Quote Argus Filch. Insist HE will one day rule the wizarding world.

88. Wonder aloud whether the name Voldemort commands as much respect as, say, Potter or Dumbledore.

89. Mimic everything he says in a sing-song voice.

90. Mimic everything he does with exaggerated limb-movements.

91. Write sonnets for him.

92. Insist he help you with the newspaper crossword every morning.

93. Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of disinfectant.

94. Tell people he's 'really just a big softie'

95. Psychoanalyze him. Conclude that he is 'mildly depressed' and 'a bit of a control-freak'.

96. Mock his baldness.

97. Smile and say loudly 'Who loves you, Volders?' at inopportune moments. (I.e.: another of his attempted 'evil moments')

98. Get him drunk.

99. Drag out a banjo at Death Eater revels and start playing 'Kumbayah'

100. Let him catch you trying on Death-Eater robes.

101. Be Harry Potter. Be alive.

102. As he's plotting dark deeds, pretend to cough and mutter things like "Not gonna work," or "stupid."

103. Call him "Champ" or "Tiger." Refer to yourself as "Coach."

104. Dress up as a reporter and interview him for a newspaper.

105. Ask him how much a Dark Lord's salary is. Make sure to put a special disrespectful emphasis on "Dark Lord".

106. Come up with completely idiotic and outlandish ways to catch Harry Potter. Make sure you get everyone(and I mean everyone, his Death Eaters, his maid, his pet snake) to agree with you that your plans are better than his.

107. Act out your plans.

108. Blame them on him every time you get caught.

109. When one of them actually works, let Harry Potter go and come back squealing about your victory.

110. When Voldemort learns of this and asks you why you let Harry Potter go tell him in an overly sensitive sort of voice, "You thought my plans were stupid and wouldn't work. Besides, you're the independent type."

111. Ask him why he's so obsessed about killing a boy who's under half his age.

112. Ask him if he's so much more powerful than why Harry Potter has escaped him 5 times already. Make sure to shriek with glee when you say "escaped you 5 times".

113. Look at him strangely when he creates yet another plan to kidnap Harry Potter and tell him you think he has OCD.

114. Hand him a prescription for Prozac, and an array of other anti-depressants along with the number for the local mental institution.

115. Call him "that Crazy Old Coot."

116. Ask him why he's so sadistic.

117. Ask him if you can sell his wand on the black market.

118. Sell it anyway.

119. Tell him that he's "cracked completely" and that "you love love him anyway".

120. Give him a straight jacket as a christmas present.

121. Take him trick-or-treating on Halloween. Make him dress up as Harry Potter.

122. Ask him where babies come from.

123. Tell him he's like the son you never had, you know, minus the whole dark lord thing.

124. Play "Angry All the Time" by Tim McGraw constantly. When he finally gets tired of it, say in a thoughtful voice,"Well, you know Tim McGraw does have a point." Stare pointedly at him.

125. Tell him you think anger management would really help him out.

126. Set up group therapy for him and his death eaters. Hand out tissues and state that no one will be leaving until the crying and hugging phase is initiated.

127. Make him sing "I Feel Pretty" at his birthday party.

128. Decorate his room with pretty things. Make sure to pick out unicorn themed wall paper and bed-sheets. After a few weeks say, "Oh, I'm sorry. That decor really must remind you of your failure as a dark wizard."

129. Make him keep it like that anyway.

130. Exclaim constantly how ironic it is that the current heir of Slytherin isn't a pure-blood.

131. Ask him in a whiney high-pitched tone why he has to be so mean all the time.

132. Insist on acting like a member of his guard. Follow him everywhere and remind him constantly "that you'd take an Unforgivable" for him.

133. Ask him why his plans to capture, maim and kill Harry Potter couldn't be a little less evil and a little more organized.

134. Make him read the Harry Potter books to "gain a new perspective".

135. Hold yoga classes at 2:30 in the morning. Insist Voldemort not only go, but participate.

136. Insist he go with you to your ballet lessons.

137. Make him take time-outs for every evil plot he makes.

138. Tell him that he'll never take over the world if he keeps screwing up.

139. When he glares at you, exclaim, surprised, "You weren't failing on purpose? I didn't know that." Snigger and snort a bit after saying this.

140. In the middle of the night come in saying that you had a nightmare and wish to sleep with him for the night. Be sure to cuddle with him before going to sleep.

141. Remind him constantly that it really wasn't Harry Potter's fault that he nearly died. Put a special emphasis on nearly died.

142. Tell him you knew his father on a 'deep personal level' and that it was a shame he had to kill him.

143. Adopt one of those electronic babies they hand out in health class. Give it to him and say its for him to "learn responsibility". Tell him its not acceptable to use magic in any way shape or form around "Baby Harry".

144. When he blows it up cry out dramatically, sweep up the left over pieces and state tearfully that "Little Harry-kins" was supposed to be the one thing he could love.

145. Swear in a voice mimicking his(cold, and high-pitched) that you will get revenge and run off laughing manically.

146. Act out a part of your revenge by leaving a blow-up Harry Potter doll under his covers every night.

147. Ask him if he's "He-who-must-not-be-named" why he has not only one name, but several. Say "He-who-must-not-be-named" in a reverent whisper.

148. Make him take an IQ test and when you get the results back hint that his IQ isn't one of the highest. Tell him that he'd be a good village idiot, and that no wonder his evil- plans for revenge never work.

149. When he asks to see the results himself, tell in in a secretive hushed voice that its "confidential information".

150. Tell all the Death Eaters that he sings in the shower.

151. Whenever he discloses especially evil plans, start chuckling.

152. Put a whoopie cushion on his seat.

153. Refer to him as "the big cheese" while in his earshot.

154. Pull April Fools jokes on him. Come running in screaming that "The-boy-who-lived" died of natural causes.

155. Dye all of his capes Pink and put floral designs on them while he sleeps. When he demands to know who did it, point your finger at the nearest person.

156. Knit him a Harry Potter Fan Club Member Sweater then wrap it in cute kitten wrapping paper with a pink bow. Make sure the card has some reference to Voldemort being your "Shnoogie poo" as well.

157. After he proposes his evil plans, in the quiet pause when he finishes start clapping and dabbing your eyes with a hankie, saying how beautiful and inspiring his speech was.

158. Knit him a scarf. Insist he keeps it on. Tell him you have one at home identical to it. Tell him that if he is good you will wear it.

159. Replace his wand with a fake and run in front of him dressed like Harry...and laugh when he sees the rubber chicken.

160. Wonder aloud about his sexual preference.

161. Kick him in the balls

162. hold his hand and use it to slap himself on the face, then innocently ask: "Why are you hitting yourself?"

163. Make him take a drug test and fire him from the position of "Dark Lord" if he fails.

164. Curse him with his own wand.