Letters to Strangers

---

Sit up straight; put it all behind you. The sadness, the memories, the phone calls never returned. You can regret, you can be regretted, but you can never not forgive yourself. You cannot be consumed by your guilt.

I have witnessed a lot of sadness. I have witnessed a lot of grief and guilt and hatred. I have been part of it all, and I have lived in it. I have functioned in the sickness, and I have - albeit temporarily sometimes - walked out of it. Limping, yes, but still walking.

If there is something you want to do - do it. Don't let the fear of being a beginner again set you off. That's where we get locked in as we grow older - the embarrassment that comes with being a beginner; the lack of confidence, the awkward learning stage that comes without knowledge. Set it up, figure it out. Enjoy the struggle; relish in it. I am not good at this. It is hard. Do it anyway.

Maybe one day we will all grow out of fear. Maybe we will leave it in our closet for awhile like an old pair of shoes, and while we're going through a few years later, find it again. I suppose what we decide to do with that fear is our decision: do we throw it out for good, take it out again, or leave it hiding dormant in the confides of where it has been for so long?

I am in the process of discarding it. Doubtless, it has been a rough year and more is sure to come. What will come of it?

I wish I could be strong for everybody. I wish I could be relentless and all-knowing in goodness. I wish I wasn't so jaded, and that I made better decisions for myself. I know it doesn't always happen that way. Does it happen for you? My skin is dry from the winter, and my orchids are slowly dying off from confusion. I need to learn how to heal. Wouldn't that be fancy.

Don't ever settle down. Always be restless. Always be ready and take chances. Watch fear, but do not let it tell you what to do.

And dear God I've always loved you and I will forever.
Through darkness, and dusk and one last drink -
until like you, I am ash, and I will tell you about it.