Your Horoscope for the rest of your life

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Aries (March 21 - April 19): Your worst suspicions always will be confirmed. You develop an overpowering taste for veal in late 1985, and this causes confusion at home during the holidays. Romance beckons often, but it disappears whenever you leave the room to put things from the washer into the dryer. You meet and have lunch with a dead ringer for Rudyard Kipling in 1992. Your book, How To Make Small Talk, rushes to the top of the best-seller lists and assures your financial security.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): You will continue to forget where you hid things. A practical joke you try to pull in August 1988 backfires and you are forced to run home without any clothes on. Late in your career, co-workers admit you are worth more than they are, and they go on strike until you are given a substantial raise. Hold on to the car you now own - one day it will be declared a classic and fetch an enormous sum of money. Don't automatically ignore those "Falling Rock Zone" signs just because everyone else does.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): The spiritual meanderings never really do stop. You are haunted by the delivery, in January 1993, of a crate of oranges and grapefruit from Florida with only the word "Thanks" on the gift card. Keep away from strangers with beards during the Labor Day weekend of 1987. You are asked several times to appear on television commercials, but you turn down each offer (and the cash that goes with them) because you really don't believe in the products. Stay away from the Bengal tiger cage at the zoo.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): A life of gathering useless information. In February 1990, you accidentally wear someone else's raincoat home from a party and, although you always mean to, you never return it. A strange but harmless disease brings you notoriety. You learn some good card tricks while on vacation in April 2006. Again and again you fall in love with people who are too good for you, but you never learn your lesson.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): No end in sight for the restless self-appraisal. In 1988 and again in 1991 you help major celebrities out of embarrassing situations and keep your promises never to tell anyone. Be careful while fooling around with a fuse box in 2002. A love interest flees with the silverware but otherwise leaves behind pleasant memories. Obey all signs in 1989, particularly the one that says, "Do not stand up in the rollercoaster car."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): A life of impossible choices. On July 16, 1997, you hear a joke that's so good you can never again recall it without laughing aloud. In 1993 you look directly into a solar eclipse with no ill effects whatsoever. After spending a short period of time in a sensory deprivation chamber you begin demanding a linen napkin at every meal. In late 1989 you and your pet are invited to appear on "The Tonight Show."

Libra (Spetember 23 - October 23): Continued specious self-improvement. In 1998 an undetected head injury sustained in a minor automobile accident causes you to overtip extravagantly. If you accept an invitation to dine with a man wearing a jewel-encrusted fez, you get what you deserve. On an unexpectedly warm day in February 1986, you see Karl Malden enter an office building. Your tounge-in-cheek campaign to get your home town to host the 1996 Olympics leads to real danger.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): A life of undefined desires. In May 1987, you are rightfully declared innocent following a protracted and highly publicized skyjacking trial. In redecorating your kitchen (year uncertain) you find something that someone who claims to be James Bond wants very much. Ignore the daily horoscope you read in 2003 that says you will be grazed by a speeding fire truck. Keep an eye out for tow trucks, however.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): A career of seemingly linked but ultimately disperate ideas. For a week in the autumn of 1991 you find yourself with an entourage. The wierd knocking on your living room wall finally stops just after midnight, April 4, 1993. Ice sports become important - and lucky. Begin getting in shape now (particularly practice the broad jump) for a narrow escape you will have to make while vacationing near sand.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): You never run out of good last-second solutions. In the spring of 2011 you discover something growing in your backyard that eventually attracts worldwide attention. Be sure to wear a belt or carry and length of rope during the summer of 1990. An ill-advised romantic liaison undertaken in October of 1987 turns into a humiliating and expensive fiasco. Avoid moustached benefactors.

Aquarius (January 20 - Febuary 18): A lifetime of unsatisfactory afternoon naps. A computer error in April 1989 awards you a four-year football scholorship to the University of Oklahoma; you accept at first but later turn it down with a humorous note of explanation. Your mate's purchase of electric hedge clippers leads to unforeseen difficulties. Don't eat anything you find on the sidewalk in 1992-93.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): The imagined slights continue to cause problems. In November 1986 a bowling partner teaches you how to whistle with your fingers in your mouth. A small metal box you found while snorkeling in 1991 changes your life and makes you a household name in the Sunbelt. As part of the general fin-de-siecle madness, in 1999 you lead fellow Pisceans in a march on the astrologers' annual convention to protest your demeaning position at the bottom of the daily horoscope.

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