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The main bar. Home to hussies, dealers, criminals, the bar that doesn't require tending to serve, and of course, the sluttiest bar maids you ever did see this side of LapLand.

Come inside, have a drink, and if it pleases you, try not to notice the faces of several of the patrons adorning the walls in the shape of WANTED posters.

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"Re-opened for business," says the sign above the bar that will give you bad cider if you insult it.


"It's a bit clean in here," remarked a man in several bandanas sitting at the bar. He shifted on his bar stool, and the eighteen swords attatched to his belt jingled merrily.
"Yah, sorry about that," said Chesty le Roue, the barmaid on duty. She leaned forwards over the bar edge to make up for the lack of filth. "It's him, you see." She gestured with her thumb to a small boy in a peaked cap, who was yodelling about something or another isle 10 trying his hardest to drag an old fashioned mop and bucket contraption out the door.
The man with the bandanas shook his head, and slurped the peculiar head off of his Tango. He leant back and belched spectacularly.
"You want to get some proper cleaners in," he advised helpfully. Ones that won't make stuff all shiny and weird. Authentic, this bar is, you don't want to go ruining it with all this spit and polish lark."
Chesty sighed and lounged further over the bar. "It's his enthusiasm that's the trouble," she said, stretching. "He seemed to want to clean bloody everything. Youth of today, what are they feeding them?"
The bandana man shook his head agreeably and supped his Tango.

[Djinn] entered the bar, took one look around the place, and sighed. "I take it he's been here too," she said, referring to the small cleaning boy presently in the foyer.
"Yer," said Chesty. She wished she had some gum to twirl around her finger, and made a mental note to put some on the next stock listing.
Slumping on to a stool next to the bandana man, Ifrit started to hug the bar. "I've missed you," she crooned. The bar made a purring noise.
Frazzle entered the bar from the blokes toilet, saw ifrit and swiftly turned away.
Ifrit suddenly morphed!
"I am [Djinn]," she announced.
"What's the difference?" Said the man with the bandana, hearing no difference.
"Two e's instead of an i," explained Ifreet.
"Can I still call you Ifrit, Boss?" Asked Chesty.
"...you never called me Ifrit," Djinn-face pointed out.
"Oh yah!" Chesty lolloped. "Can I get a pistol on the next stock order boss?"
"Speaking of, I need the stock listing."
"We're out of beer."
"No one drinks beer around here, do they?"
"I do!" Said a manly voice. There was a pistol twirling sound, and somebody stomped through the main bar doors dramatically.
"Who're you?" Asked Chesty, sticking her Chest out.
"I'm Billy the Kid," said the guy at the door, "but you can call me Frank."
Ifrit eyed him. "Frank," she said, "get behind the bar and give me a stock count."
"What?" said Frank. "No body orders me around!" He waved his pistol showily.
"Order you... why I never," said Ifrit. "Now," she continued, "you're hired. Give me a stock count, boy, or else you'll have no beer, because Chesty over here can't count."
"Damn," said Frank. He holstered his pistol, picked up a barmaids apron and hopped over the bar. It gnawwed it's teeth at him. "Steady on," he said, patting it. "I'll need a pen," he announced, looking around, "and some paper."
Chesty swooned.
Suddenly a chilly wind swept through the bar, startling the punters who had been sat in their places so long they had accumalted cobwebs.
"Uh.. like, whats that?" enquired Chesty, brushing a cobweb out of her hair.
A translucent figure appeared behind the bar. A tall, broad man with a bald head.
"Alright luvvies? What can I get ya?" enquired the ghost.
"Randy?" gaped Pinkii, "What the-"
Randy grinned and waved, "I died, sorry it took me ages to get back, they had me haunting some railway station down south, took loads of paper work to move me up here."
Pinkii smiled and looked at Djinn, "This is great! How many underground grottos around here have resident ghostly barmen?!"
"RANDY!" Djinn paused. "Hang on... if you're a ghost, can you work the corporeal bar stuff?"
"No," Randy admitted, "But I'm great entertainment.." he begins to juyggle his eyeballs."
"You're hired... again." announces magers, "Now go sing some Karaoke."
Randy was halfway through singing 'Hero' by Enrique Igelisias when Frazzle's head popped round the door.
"O-M-F-G!" he squealed jumping into the room, "Randy?!?!"
Randy stopped singing, floated off the stage and wafted towards Frazzle. Sadly, due to Randy's non tangible state they went straight through eachother and stopped looking confused.
"This could be a problem." sighed Randy.
"Oh no!" Says Djinn, horrified. She looks around for something to make everything better, and spies a large bottle of something allegedly 92% alcohol, and 100 proof... proof. Proof of what, anyway? And isn't proof kind of a funny word to see on the side of a bottle?
Frazzle, stared at Randy for a while. "So what are we gonna do?"
A newcomer steps into the noisy scene. Without a word she walks to the bar desk. "Do you have something strong for me, do you? Whisky?", she sighs sounding a bit tired.
Mageydepink looks up and seems surprised that a new person has arrived. She beams delightedly. "Certainly!" she smiles, pouring a double whiskey, "Its on the house. Welcome to evil pinkies."
"Well thanks...", the newcomer says surprised of the welcome-spirit and takes the drink. "Have you had a busy day here?"
"A newcomer!" Djinn sounds delighted. She makes a quick glance around the room, in case this is a famous criminal she hasn't recognized.
The said newcomer turns to look at Djinn a bit puzzled look on her face. "Well spotted", she says with a little grin. "I guess you're a regular then?"
"Regular?" Djinn asks, "Me?" She winks. "I own half of this grotto."
"Oh, right. I didn't recognize you", she says smiling. "Well you sure have a nice place here."
Pinkii grabs herself a cider from the bar, "thanks very much." she says proudly, "so, i feel that calling you 'newcomer' must sound a little rude, what may we call you?"
"I don't think it's that rude. But my name is Eny Notaim", the newcomer says, "just call me Eny. And you are...?"
"I'm mageydepink," says mageydepink offering her hand for Eny to shake, this here is [Djinn], my partner in crime and co-owner of this grotto, the ghost is Randy, our bartender, and the guy with the too short trousers is Frazzle."
Frazzle adjusted his trousers to make them long enough.
"You can call me pinkii by the way." mageydepink continues.
"Well I'm glad I decided to drop by, nice to meet you", Eny says and shakes mageydepinks hand. "I bet you've written it somewhere but where did you get the idea for this place? I mean... the name and all.. ", she says smiling.
"Write it down?" laughs pinkii, "well i never, you overestimate us I'm afraid! Worse still i don't actually remember why we decided to build an underground grotto and here. The name, i believe, came from our names, pinkies from me, as i am the pink mage and evil from djinn, who once fell into the fairy pool and came out.. well, a little mischievious i think would be the right word." She grins towards Djinn.
"Well, who can remember everything. Besides, it's the present that matters", Eny says and drinks her whisky. "That's better. I've been working all day. I'm glad I found some place to hang around the evening", she says and looks around. "Do you usually have a lot of people here?"
Djinn looks around after her. "Lots of patrons, I s'pose," she says, eyeing a few, and getting a couple of nods, "but they do seem to like coming here for the, er, lack of prejudice, shall we say, against, er, the less... adherent to the law." She pauses, and then starts again. "What I mean is, yeah, but none of them do much except hide in the side boothes and play poker for kittens, ecetera. You're our first new customer in ages!" Eny recieves a radiant beam. "Your next whiskey can be on the house too."
"Oh, thanks. I suppose this place only needs a bit advertising... and, well, maybe those patrons scare people. Well, I wouldn't know, I don't mind if there are so called 'scary things or people' around. I'm usually one of them", Eny laughs and takes a look at the closest patrons.
A man wearing several bandanas jingles his jewellery at her.
Pinkii shakes her head and look back to Eny, "so, where are you from?" she askes.
"From the North, a place called Finland. I bet you haven't heard of it", Eny says smiling.
Pinkii grins, "you'd be surprised actually, my favourite F1 driver is Finnish."
"Really?", Eny asks, looking very surprised, "Who's the best then? Raikkonen? Hakkinen? They're just about the only ones I know... I'm not anymore so keen on F1-races. I used to, when I was small", she says, "but, well, then I was keen on watching just about anything on tv", she laughs.
"Got it in the first guess!" beams Magey, "Kimi Raikkonen! Though Mika hakkinen was pretty snazzy too."
The phone choses now to ring; considerately saving Djinn from the almost-car-talk. She runs over and picks it up. After a few minutes of "yes", "fantastic", "jolly good", and "cheers", she puts down the phone. "You'll never guess who wants to play here tomorrow night," she starts to tell Frank, who is probably still in the storeroom.
Eny listens to the conversation sipping her whisky. 
"Who?" asked Pinkii, "thinking she also had a right to know who was playing, what with her owning half the bar and all.
"Mhm" said the noise of Frazzle clearing his throat, "I am." his voice suddenly sounded different, clearer and more charming. Everyone fell in love with him instantly.
"Frazz... I love you." said Pinkii.
"Me too." said Djinn.
"Me three." said the man with bandanas.
A bitch fight began.
Djinn won, by using one of her favourite super powers (the devastating power to Bitch Slap and Be Rude simultaneously). She turned to Frazz, and stomped on his foot.
"I hope you can actually sing, or play the trombone, or whatever it is you plan to do on our stage tomorrow night," she said. "It might also be worth remembering that this is a family bar."
A group of child-like gremlins waved from their kitten gambling table, on cue.
Pinkii looked at Frazz from her non-bruised eye, "I hope you have backing dancers..."
Eny listenes to all these plans smiling. "Sounds like fun to me. As for the dancing thing, you could always ask all the drunk-enough people to come up from the audience", she suggests half-joking.
Somewhere near the entrance [nori] appears in puff of glittering aqua-marine smoke, and promptly falls over,
"I haven't done that in awhile" she shrugs and moves over to the bar and sits herslef down on a spare bar stool.
"Double tequila with lime please" she asks Randy brightly.
She tunrs her attention to Eny
"hello! i don't believe we've met!!" she says to Eny
"'Scuse us, woman," says Frank, emerging from the, er, closet. "But the Lime's all reserved. Finished my stock count, by the way." He brushed off a couple of cobwebs cheerfully.
"And..?" asks Mageydepink.
"There's no beer, and the only vodka left is triple distilled. Other less interesting points are," he removed a piece of paper from behind Chesty's ear, 'magically', "on this list."
Chesty swooned and giggled at the magic trick.
Pinkii sighed as she began to tire of Frank's cockiness. She scanned the list of minor points running her finger down the list as she read.
"There are more spiders in there than last check." she observed, "and the thickness of dust has dramatically decreased, has the darned boy been in there with his mop?"
Djinn caught sight of the little blighter at the side of the stage.
"Oi!" She yelled, "laddie! Fancy being allowed to do something useful?"
The boy looked at his boss through huge china blue eyes and nodded. "What did ya 'ave in mind ma'am?" he asked in a thick cockney accent.
"Oh stop with that stupid accent," said the mage irratatedly, "who do you think you are? Oliver Twist?"
"I think he does, you know," Said Djinn, honestly.
Frazzle seems upset that no one is in love with him anymore.
Eny shakes her head to the conversation and turns to smile to nori. "Right, well, nice to meet you. Do you know these guys already?"
[Vortemia] strides from the foyer right up to the bar and sits on a stool away from everyone else.
"Vodka." she demands curtly, she looks at mageydepink and Djiin, licks her lips and then proceeds to reapply her blood red lipstick.
"Comin' right up ma'am." smiles Chesty, despite being spoken to so rudely. She pours the drink and slides it across the bar, "that'll be four bronzes."
Vortemia wrinkled her nose and flicked her white hair over her shoulder. Sighing she pulled out a pouch and tipped a handful of foreign looking coins onto the bar.
"Take those." she says pushing them towards Chesty.
"Hi," says Djinn, sprawling across the bar to lean on her hand at a really awkward angle. "Who are you, where you from, what's your favourite colour and are you staying for long at all goonpleasedo?" She asks, excited at having a NEW PERSON about the place.
Vortemia raises a black eyebrow and smiles at Djinn.
"Vortemia, nowhere you'd have heard of, red and yes possibly." she downed her vodka and ordered another.
"Oh, i've been there!" Said Djinn. "Nice wildlife. What brought you over here, then?"
"The wildlife."
"...Ah."
Djinn tickles the bar a bit, and it gives her something that looks like a tequila and lime.
Vortemia cracks her fingers loudly and watches Djinn intently.
Djinn cautiously guzzles her drink, wary of the way Vortemia is eyeing her.
"I think someone has taken a liking to you." whispers Pinkii, so no one but Djinn could hear.
"She looks like a bit of a dodgy character to me." said Frazzle leaning towards Pink and Djinn.
Eny smiles. "You wouldn't happen to have any rum there, Djinn?", she asks, thinking that in a company like this she really should be far more drunk than she now is.
"Rum?" Says Djinn. "Here's a trick..." she makes a demonstration of poking the bar and cooing at it. "Rum!" She purrs, and sure enough, an unusually large glass of rum appears. She slides it down to Eny with a big grin.
Pinkii gags and orders a tankard of cider.
"Thanks", Eny says, "cool bar you've got there. Is it magic or just very very hi-tech?"
"Neither" says Pinkii, "Just well trained."
"Okay..." Eny starts to stare at her rum. And then starts to drink it.
"Ouch. I'm going for a walk I think," announced Magey suddenly, "I've got a bit of a headache. I'll see you all later okay?"
"Uh," said Djinn, smelling something a little suspicious, but assuming it was just the combination of ghosts about the place, and Franks new aftershave, "See you later then!" She waved at the door Pink had just gone out of.
"I don't like that woman." says Frazzle bluntly once he notcied Vortemia has left.
"I think she seemed quite okay. But you can't like everyone now, can you?" Eny says sounding a little tired.
"Nope," says Djinn brightly.
Chesty frowned. "I hope she brings back that tankard," she says, "we don't have a million of them, you know."
"She might not have gone far yet," said Djinn, "i'll go see if I can catch her." She put down her glass and scuffed her way back to the main foyer.
[fritz] Walks in and sits at the bar, wandering what to order. "Whats good to drink here?" He addresses the barman.
The barwoman raised a finely plucked eyebrow, "well suh we got cider, tequila, vodka.. cider, whiskey, lager...cider and uh.. that may be it."
"Errr, i'll go with the cider please. How much is that?" Replied Fritz nervously, as he didn't very often go to bars.
"Two bronzes suh." Chesty told him, while the bar clunked and rattled and finally produced a pint of cider.
Fritz fumbled around with an oddly coloured coin purse until he found the correct money, which shouldn't have been as difficult as it seemed.
"Nice purse." chuckled chesty, "gay boy." she murmured under her breath.
"Got a problem with that?" Fritz demanded.
"No suh." said Chesty, "the bar wants you to take the drink."
Fritz took his drink before making his way over to a table and sat on his own, wondering whether or not he would see someone he knew.
Sadly he didn't, but everyone stared at him anyway.
Fritz got up out of his chair and walked back over to the bar. "Umm. Excuse me, could you possibly tell me if Djinn or Pinkii are around anywhere?"
Chesty blew a pink bubblegummy bubble, "I think they got kidnapped or summat." she says nonchalantly.
"They were here just a few hours ago... more rum, please?", Eny says.
"Oh right. Any clues as to where they may have been kidnapped to?" Fritz asked whilst taking a mouthful of his cider.
Frazzle bursts through the door with uranamo and some guy he doesn't know in tow.
"Pinkii's been kidnapped."
"Yeh we know," said Chesty, "So's boss #2"
Frazzle made a loud noise that sounded like a mixture between a scream and a groan. "And you guys are doing nothing about it? There's me and Uranamo and ... that guy searching all over the place for them and you lot are in here drinking!"
"Well you see... It's not exactly like I can go racing after them, if I don't know where they are. I am assuming that you have a plan?" Fritz said in a drunken stupor... (as he is a lightweight)
"Well, as we don't know where they are, we might just as well drink a bit, talk and maybe we'll get an idea to save them. How does that sound?", Eny asks while helping herself to the rum bottle on the desk. "It's not really my buisness, but there's nothing more interesting happening... So, who was the last one to see them anyway?" she asks looking at Frazzle.
"Dunno." says Frazz, he pulls a complicated instrument out of his pocket and points it at the floor.
"Footprint detector.2 he announces, the machine bleeps loudly and pulls Frazzle out of the bar.
Fritz looks by in amazement whilst taking another gulp of his drink. "That was a bit wierd..." He remarked whilst promptly passing out.
"Footprint detector? Where did you get that?", Eny asks looking at the said instrument a little disbelief in her face. "And what does it actually ... do?"

m a n y B O R I N G y e a r s l a t e r
Pinkii storms in and looks around. Closely followed by Djinn, she hopes, she never actually looked round to check she was following her.
"Two very strong vodkas." she orders loudly, "by the way, we're FINE. Nothing thata good few drinks and some counselling won't fix."
Fritz pulls himself up from the floor and greets his friends that have been missing for several days (possibly more he can't remember)"Hello! So, i'm still confused as to where you have been!"
"A cold, dark, damp cave. Unconscious and tied to a rock if you must know. There were a group of villagers tied up in the shadows and horrible noises. and yet no one even cared to come and find me, until Djinn came along and got captured as well." Pink told them, "well at least i know I have one friend, even if she is as useful as mud flaps on a turtle."
"WTF," said Djinn. She stepped forwards to reveal that she had actually been with Pink this whole time. "I think our drinks should be done by now." she reached over to bar to pick up the first of their very strong vodkas, and handed a glass to her comrade.
Pink knocked it back and asked for another. Snarling at everyone while she waited.
Eny looks at the people from one of the corner tables where she has spent most of these many boring years drinking nice long drinks and coffee while writing.

24 waltzed in through the back door, took off her hat and coat and plonked down on a stool. She then removed her other three coats, welly boots, extra socks, and superfluous bling.
"What's up with you lot?" She asked, observing the snarling Pink and teeth-gnashing Djinn, and the mildly guilty countenances of the barstaff.
Pink looked blankly at 24. "We were kidnapped by a complete psycho if you must know."

Fritz suddenly looks around and explodes in a bright green light leaving only a pair of smouldering shoes.

Frazzle walks in, ignoring the explosion, he hardly knew the guy anyway.
"Pink. Djinn. I'm real sorry."
Djinn eyed him. "Alright," she said, "You can explain everything over the next forty three rounds."
The bar began lining up shots excitedly.
Fritz walks in through the door and puts his shoes back on "Sorry, I will try and control myself"
"Yeh, you better." snorted Pinkii, "you do it again and you're barred."
She downs about seven shots and regards the room with crossed eyes.
Astra stumbles in. ''Did some one say free drinks?''
"Awesome!" Fritz replied "Count me in for free stuff"
Astra gulps down a malty brew.
Mageydepink regards the room with slightly crossed eyes, not quite remebrting why she'd downed however many shots so angrily.
"hi!" she half exclaimed, half hiccupped in astra's direction, "have you been here long?"
counts on her fingers she thinks i while ''about 5 minutes'' [Astra] replies offering a hand to Mageydepink.
Magey smiled and shakes Astra's hand, "well w're certainly glad to have you here!" she beams, "Have you been traveling?"
''Aye that i have!'' Astra excliams in a strange northen accent proudly stroking a wolf skin coat that was most definalty not made for her.
Pinkii eyed the coat with curiosity, it was made of fur of some kind, she couldn't tell what animal, it looked warm though. "Tell me, where are you from? I can tell you're from somewhere North of here but thats about it. Your coat is a slight giveaway aswell i suppose!"
Astra held onto the coat protectivly. ''Im form Sandin and i didnt steal this coat!!!''
"You didn't?" Djinn looked alarmed. "Please tell me you're not a non criminal... last time that happened, the inspector happened to come by..."
Chesty The Long Quiet shook her head, grimancing in memory. "It was so tragic," she whispered.
"Mmm," Djinn reminisced. She knocked back the rest of her drink and rocked back and forth on her barstool in a somber sad sort of way.
Astra blinked dumbly for a few seconds then coughed. ''Anyway'' she looked at the ceiling and mumbled ''he was dead when i found it''
Fritz proceeded to laugh and as a result dribbles his drink down his top. "How did he die?... Because if you killed him, I think you should have a poster"
''Poster!'' exclaimed Astra. ''Like a wanted poster'' she thought of a few old friend who would but highly jealous if she had more numbers over her head then them. She started to wish she HAD killed him.
Djinn produced a hankerchief and threw it at Fritz in disgust. "We can make you one anyway, if you like," she told Astra. "Thieving counts as criminal activity, and you do look awfully wistful about it."
Fritz stares maliciously at Djinn and wanders off to the Gents to use the facilities.
"He DOES know about the man eating toilet seat doesn't he?" Pink asked Djinn.
A faint scream was heard from the direction of the Gents and Fritz returned to his seat... As he sat down on the stool, he winced.
"Close shave?" asked magey.
"Gosh," commented Djinn.
Astra stares quite alamed at Fritz.
Fritz looks at the copious pairs of eyes staring at him before he realises that he has toilet roll stuck to his shoe
Astra moves her chair a little further away and hopes she doesn't catch fleas.
Magey smiled in an I'm-really-bored kind of way.
Astra grows a pair of wings and flys out the window
Fritz removes the toilet roll and wonders where Astra flew off to.....

No one seem to notice, it was all a freeze frame... time drifted by slowly, some punters came and went until finally.

"GUYS!" screams Pink hurling through the door, "...The Master is back!"
''AH!'' Gasps Astra ''erm...whos that?''
The pink mage slapped her forehead in despair. "Djinn? Frazz?"
Djinn catapults through the door on cue. "OH MY GOD!" She cries, slapping her face in dismay. "WHO?"
"The Mater." repeated the mage, "remember him?"
"The Mater?.. Does he 'Mate' things?" Fritzypoos asked.
"Oh Shush." said the mage giving fritz a good thwach round the ear. "I guess its not that much of a problem anymore anyway... the lace still seems to be in one piece..." she eyed the bar which was now covered in thick fluffy dust and cobwebs.
Fritz eyes up the bad spelling and downs his pint.

Nori can't be bothered to find out where in Evil Pinkies she is, so 'reappears' in a puff of bright red smoke
"oooooo, so this mater or master thingy... does it threaten lace or something?" she eyes up the bar wonders if she should go order something, but can't see Busty La Rue anywhere...