Game Show
- by [pixie_shimmer]
*Theme Music*
A booming, bodiless voice: Welcome, everyone, to the game show…
I was dared to be on this stupid game show!
And here is your host,
Danny Druff!
*Pre recorded audience cheering*
Danny Druff: Welcome to the show everyone! But before we meet our contestants, say hello to our prerequisite hot babe, Anita Shower!
Anita Shower: *giggle* Hi, Dan!
Danny Druff: Hi Anita! You are looking gorgeous as always... I mean…if you didn't, you would be out of a job!
Anita Shower: *giggle* Awww, thanks Dan!
Danny Druff: And now we'll meet our lucky idiots - I mean our contestants!
First we have Theresa Greene, who works at our local sawmill! Hi Theresa!
Theresa Greene: Hi Danny!
Danny Druff: And also let's meet our second contestant, Ray Dah! Ray is a High school Science teacher!
Ray Dah: Good evening, Danny.
A booming, bodiless voice: Get a move on Danny
Danny Druff: Well yes! Let's get on with it, shall we? Our first trivia question is… well, let's see if anyone can get it!
Question number 1 – What colour are my underpants!
Theresa Greene: Oh!!! Are they Blue?
Anita Shower: *giggle* No silly! They are Red! *giggle*
A booming, bodiless voice: Oh, for cripes sake…
Danny Druff: *looking around anxiously* Uhh…Let's forget that question! That was just for practice…*nervous laughter* …moving on…
Question number 2–
What is ---
Theresa Greene: Excuse me Danny…
Danny Druff: Yes Theresa? I haven't finished the question yet ---
Theresa Greene: Yes I know, but you said the first question didn't count so technically wouldn't, question 2 be question 1?
Danny Druff: And Theresa loses 10 points, ladies and gentlemen! * Pre recorded audience laughter*
Theresa Greene: But wait! That's not fair! I…
Danny Druff: Oh! And you lost another 10 points! Now onto Question 2!
Question 2 – What is the greatest movie of all time?
Ray Dah: I believe I can answer that question Danny. You see I am what some might call a film buff, I am especially interested in Science Fiction Films, Which is probably why I have such an interest in Science *chuckle* Though it's my favourite genre I am also quite fond of Action films! I once went to see this movie with…
Danny Druff: Why don't we take a break?
*Theme Music*
A Jester walks onto the screen, carrying a scroll. He unrolls it and begins to read...
It has been declared that The Town Herald Classifieds is the place to go when you are looking for something to do! This is the place to go when you want to see what is going on in Elftown! Do you want competitions! Go there! Do you want to see what Wikis are available for you to join? Go there! It's only just starting out but The Town Herald Classifieds is sure to be a hit! Be there or be square! Or oblong! Circle if you like...
The Jester runs off laughing and yelling the names of every shape he knows...
*Theme Music*
Danny Druff: And we're back, ladies and gentlemen!
Ray Dah: …And it was just so funny! But I guess you would just have to have been there! Anyway, that is why I think the answer to Question number 2 is “The Godfather”!
*bom bom*
Danny Druff: I'm sorry Ray, but that buzzer means that you are a dumb ass. The correct answer is “The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland” Now, Question 3!
Ray Dah: I am afraid I may have to cause a bit of a stink about that Danny…You see, The Godfather is clearly superior to the movie you mentioned and I think I would like to…
Danny Druff: What! What do you mean, superior?! How can you think such a thing when you think about all the feelings! The romance! The blanket! You are a cretin! And another thing you people are forgetting is that I AM THE HOST! I make the questions! I make the answers and what I say goes! Got it?!
Ray Dah: Sorry
Danny Druff: Yes, well... *clears throat*
Question Number 3 – Out of everyone present here, who is the stupidest person?
Theresa Greene and Ray Dah together: Danny Druff?
Danny Druff: *stomping feet and becoming very red* NO NO NO!!! You stupid people! The answer was Anita Shower!!!
Anita Shower: *giggle* I don't get it!
Danny Druff: And that is the end of today's show! With Ray Dah on zero and Theresa Greene on minus 20! The winner is Ray Dah!
A booming, bodiless voice: Today's winner receives a matchbox car!
Ray Dah: is it red?
A booming, bodiless voice: No! It's yellow!
Ray Dah: Darn…
Danny Druff: Thanks for watching folks! We'll see you all next time on
I was dared to be on this stupid game show!
Goodbye everyone!
Anita Shower: Welcome to the show!
*Theme Music fades out*
Anita Shower: Hey! Who turned out the lights?
Prom for Peace
by: [JediAerin]
My friend said something interesting yesterday. She said that prom was a good thing because it gave one something to talk about with people one normally despises or is indifferent about. And, I realize, it's true. People I don't even know ask what color my dress is, what shoes I will wear, and show up at my (real) house begging for a chance to look at THE DRESS. So, you ask, what in the hell does this have to do with Elftown? Why, I think holding an internet prom would be an interesting idea. Taking that idea a step further, I think that wikis discussing dresses, colors, matching tuxs, and other trivial-yet-o-so-important details would be fun to watch and participate in. Think: how many people would get together to talk about a dance? A lot, and from all ‘walks' or IP addresses of life. Now wouldn't that be interesting? If it were expanded beyond Elftown, it could unite Palestinian and Israelite, Rwandans, Sunni and Shiite (although we Americans are accomplishing that ideal just fine), even rap and rock.. But maybe the hip-hop and rock thing is a dream. Better yet, we could all as a planet walk out on a remix of an Avril Lavigne song! Ah, the world's population connected by electricity, deciding each other's color-coordinations, arguing over what music should be played, where, when, and with what DJs. Wouldn't it be great? It would be like FarmAid, only less helpful. We could even assign prom-roles (i.e. stereotypes) to each person. I think the classifieds would go something like this:
Wallflower: must have self-confidence in the negative range, wearing parent's old tux (or dress), required to provide background grumbling. Positions moving quickly, apply now! (limited wall space)
Prom Prince/Princess (court member): must be pretty/handsome, but not overly so. Requires bland personality, and good sportsmanship. Must be able to work with strange court pairings (such as the nice guy with strange hair, the arrogant loser, etc.).
(position not necessarily guarantee of chance for Prom Queen/King).
Hot Dancers: Must be willing to dance in front of millions of people, and use any props available. Must be knowledgeable in all sorts of dance, from swing to general mishmash. Must have disdain for the masses of other people ‘attempting' to dance. Freaking a must! Positions limited, auditions coming soon!
Prom King: must be stunningly handsome, but must not overshadow Prom Queen. Nice teeth required, and a good attitude covering rash arrogance recommended. Football or other violent contact sport captainship optional but strongly recommended. Pretty alumni considered!
Prom Queen: Must be the shining star of the moment, have men swooning, songs dedicated, and lesser girl and princesses jealous. Must be generous with affection but wary of status as Queen. Must not meet and greet too freely. Must be extremely photogenic. Sunless tan optional. Hair extensions a must, and professional stylist recommended. Wave and smile auditions coming soon!
Photographer: artistic and journalistic snobbery required. Must get into peoples' faces, and catch embarrassing and/or negatively memorable moments. Goal is to catch Prom Court in compromising moments. Must have radar reception for drunken antics and other drama. Positions limited, great for paparazzi experience!
DJs: BYOCDS. Must have expert knowledge of all sound systems and speakers, know the exact threshold for deafness, and must know every band, album, and song forwards, backwards, and remixed. Must not speak during prom, but accept requests and have a feel for crowd appreciation. Double as heckler-bouncer, requried to throw people who request un-danceable music. Audition through elimination.
General Background Extras: Must dance, and make noise, especially during song choruses, but not stand out. No flashy dresses/tuxs! Must follow whim of the crowd (i.e. mob) and be willing to do anything the crowd does. Be ready to have a good time! (positions unlimited).
Some things stay the same wherever you go...
Tips for your Court Jester audition:
by [irulan]
- No whoopie cushions on the throne.
- Leave the rubber chicken at home.
- Never, ever, moon the queen - even if you're desperate!
- Use the set of dull blades when performing the Swallowing Daggers trick.
- Remember, the more bright & mismatched your clothes are, the better! Oh, and wear LOTS of really loud jingly bells.
- Do not, under any circumstance make jokes about the Prince liking tights a little too much.
- On the same note, no comments should be made about the "Virgin" Princess.
- Practice the Eating Fire trick at least once before your audition.
- Queens do not think that big floppy shoes equal big feet, which in turn equal... well, you know. So don't feel it necessary to wear them.
- Kiss the Queen's hand only once - particularly if the king is a bit on the burly side.
- Remember, only peasants understand the chicken crossing the road joke.
Natural states of every day objects
by [All_Most PUNK]
Well, we know that the natural state of water is liquid, the natural state of oxygen is gaseous and the natural state of wood is on fire; but, what is the natural state of several other every day objects that aren't so simple to classify? With some heavy research, we've been able to discover it.
Remote control...............Natural State: Lost
Pamela Anderson...........Natural State: Is there still something natural in her?
Michael Jackson.............Natural State: On trial.
Elftowners......................Natural State: On-line
Star Trek Fans................Natural State: Bored
Liam Gallaher................Natural State: I'm not answering that.
Cat with a toast with jam on the back.... Natural State: In the air, in an eternal paradox
Enrique Iglesias..............Natural State: In constant pain, it seems
Telephone.......................Natural State: Depends. While in the shower, ringing. If not, silent.
Teenagers.......................Natural State: Horny
Old People......................Natural State: complaining. Stupid youth!
The reader of this article...Natural State: definitely confused :P
Fools, trickery, a chicken and a road
-By [tsukineko-sama]
The evolution of humor is an amazing thing.
And no, that is not a joke.
Think back to the first time someone tripped someone else and they fell flat in the mud. The surrounding people laughed... and with a revelation discovered that it was funny! This was humor's first little welcome into the world. Who knew it would grow and change so over time! Before long, people must have been tripping, chucking things at, and stealing from everyone they met.
Gag gifts were to become a sophisticated new form of humor shortly afterwards. After all, everyone knows that it's absolutely hilarious to reach into a box of candy and find a mousetrap inside... to the bystanders, that is. (If the recipient of such gift is the particularly benevolent or funny type, and the mousetrap is padded, then they might appreciate it as well.)
When France was switched to the Gregorian calendar around 1582 and the New Year became January's first day rather than April's, information was supposedly slow to reach some, and some who it reached did not want to switch the dates. I suspect that this was all a ruse and that the people simply wanted an outlet for all the pranks they had been thinking up year long. They weren't the only ones! Across the world similar joke-devoted days sprung up, even from the most somber holidays. Why, the Scottish loved gags enough to have TWO days of fools, with one committed almost exclusively to pranking one's rear end (it's called Taily Day).
And that concludes my article on humor. Thanks for reading- please send me your feedback. Until next time, farewell!
April Fool. Let's continue, shall we?
Gags and trickery take work to set up- why not just tell of possible ones verbally? Herewith lies the origin of the classic verbal joke. The term punch line seems to be a fitting explanation of when the victim would get hurt (when it was funny). These would change over times as well, soon becoming generally less violent. Soon, jokes were becoming more humorous and clever (including the classics about bars, blondes, husbands/wives and more).
Thus we have come to two of the wittier types of humor; riddles and knock-knock jokes. These are important because they revolutionized humor by making the recipient of the joke have to be involved (and in the case of riddles, clever) as well- no more could spectators simply listen lazily.
Knock-knock jokes were simple. They followed a pattern that everyone could anticipate- the teller says an expected line, followed by the never-changed recipient's (or victim's), an original part from the joker, one more listener response, and concluded with the supposedly funny part. Brilliant in idea, though after time increasingly boring. Potentially annoying, too. Anyone for the “orange” knock-knock? I didn't think so.
Riddles are another story entirely. Instead of just giving the same pat answer every time, people would have to look at things new ways, twisting them around until they finally gave up on trying to figure out the nonsensical (and probably unrelated) punch line. If the clever comedian wanted to toy with his or her ?victims' even more, they would make a glaringly obvious answer that would be overlooked as the recipient searched their mind for an unlikely response. Lo and behold, here lies the ever-so-famed, ever-so-overused, ever-so-changed and ever-so-hated “Why did the chicken cross the road?” “To escape the stupid chicken joke that was being told over and over by the humans.”
Puns, too. There's not much to say about them, except that they are riddles without the question (and most of them are at least twice as obnoxious as knock-knock jokes). Very ‘punny.' I wish there was a font called “dripping with venomous hate” for that last line... I'll skip detailing the rest, so stop hovering over the ‘close window' button.
Now we reach my personal favorite... the dreaded ISS (be afraid; be very afraid)! What is this horrible ISS? Is ISS a stupid acronym for something dull and unexciting? Or is ISS something else?
I'll tell you what ISS is! Irony, Satire, and Sarcasm. Truly beautiful forms of humor, they are. What could be funnier than something gone backwards, wittier than something poking fun at something else, and more biting than when someone purposefully says the opposite of what they mean? Nothing, I say!
(If you CAN think of something, don't tell me. I'd hate for you to burst my bubble. YOU might not hate it if you burst my bubble, but then, that's you.)
Now we conclude by coming to the modern day humor that everyone enjoys. What tickles current funny-bones?
Why, tripping someone so that they fall in the mud, of course.
Ah, evolution.
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