I hate dirty bitches!



Anyway, I had to update my list of lessons. It's only right you kids see how I really feel and how fucking disappointed I am.

Forest Lessons
1. The people about whom you care the most are the most adept at stabbing you in the heart and then twisting the knife until their hands cramp.
2. When your mother tells you no one else will love you as much as she does, she’s probably right.
3. People who are emotionally unresponsive are not likely to call or E-mail you to say thanks when you send them gifts. 
4. People who use the biggest words and make reference to Greek gods and Quantum Physics when they’re talking probably don’t know what the shit they’re talking about.
5. The people to whom you give the least of your time probably care about you the most.
6. An orgasm is a spiritual experience. No spirituality, no orgasm.
7. Lesbians let their dogs ride shotgun when they go to market.
8. If someone repeatedly lets you know your thoughts and feelings don’t matter to them, there’s no sense in continuing to waste your time with them.
9. Grandiose people call their deans by their first names.
10. Interviewers will tell you you’ve done a fantastic job in your interview and then not hire you.
11. Emotional responsiveness not in place when you really need it magically appears to others from the same individual the very next year. It’s as though the person is better off without you around.
12. People with mullets should not be in positions of power.
13. Lesbians who schmooze and really skinny girls get all the glory.
14. Black people must stick together in spite of differences within individual experiences.
15. Turn off the microphone when you go pee.
16. Going through Clearinghouse makes it glaringly obvious who your friends are. But, see number 11.
17. If your dissertation chair responds when you call him/her “pimp,” it’s a good match.
18. People like it when you blow smoke up their asses.
19. You can have three relatives and a client die within a three-week period and no one will say shit to console you.
20. When you leave for internship, you’re as good as forgotten by faculty. 
21. My toes are cold.
22. Snoopy and Carl Jung are not all that great a pair.
23. Captain Stubing is just fun to say.
24. Registrars have poor enough boundaries to interrupt every damn class you’re in and also tell you to get down off the top of the school sign after the photographer asked you to do the splits on top of it.
25. People who live in trailers are the first to hold racial biases.
26. Living on campus means everybody’s in your shit.
27. Fuck a duck.
28. Nobody can see the Forest for the trees.
29. Let the people who have interest in you receive most of your attention.
30. If instructors slather down their wives in front of the class, seek therapy immediately!!!
31. If a new instructor shows up and he makes the most emotionally unresponsive person at the school absolutely glow, that’s called “’Pimpin.’”
32. If you’re stranded on a desert island and can only bring one person, as much as you care about the emotionally unresponsive one, don’t bring her. 
33. Community meetings are for shit.
34. Jail is the shit!
35. People are only interested in cultural diversity for about a year.
36. The person with the most academic prowess doesn’t know how to maintain friendships.
37. Hot cocoa is a commodity.
38. So is creamer.
39. You can only eat so much pasta and finger sandwiches.
40. It really is called a ‘liberry.’
41. Random mouse body parts can be strewn all about.
42. Voice messages can be obnoxious.
43. A Board of Directors is a group of people who financially back an institution but give a minimal fuck what the governance means to the people who work and learn there.
44. Rosa Parks was not related to the dean.
45. Caucasian adolescents will blame an African-American for their loud behavior even when the African-American is six feet away and writing a paper.
46. People who are hired during the summer can become a dean by the following January.
47. There’s no place like home.
48. It’s not okay to say, “I love you” to someone because there’s this damned thing called the Ethics Code that tells you your feelings are irrelevant and you must keep them under wraps. 
49. References may be made to Dave Chappelle during your dissertation defense.
50. If you’re a minority, just assume you will be placed in a position to respond to minority views either in an official capacity without your previous knowledge or acceptance of the position, or in class.
51. The Professional Issues Committee makes some good ass decisions.
52. If you ask for a phone, you get a walkie talkie.
53. People can be smiling and laughing one day and fired the next.
54. Golf tournaments can cause you to lose sight of the bigger picture.
55. Big curly hair is random.
56. Big hair in general is random.
57. Earth beads are now back in style.
58. Drunks who make reference to their Xanax “subscriptions” and comment on which male students they’d like to hump can remain on faculty while those who bust their asses advocating for students can’t.
59. If a tree falls in the Forest, everybody hears it, but don’t nobody say shit about it.
60. If a Dean falls from a superior to an inferior position in the Forest, does she make a sound? Hell naw!
61. It is physically possible for you to walk around the corner and your ass finally rounds the corner three weeks later. “Your mother has a really big ass!”
62. There’s big meat in Texas.
63. Annual student reviews consist of identifying a student by computer printed photograph, dumping a small velvet bag of chicken bones onto the table, and determining the student’s progress based upon random chicken bone placement.
64. When asking if it is worth it to become a psychologist when you must accumulate a debt of at least $90,000, if you just put your thing down, flip it, and reverse it you can find out the answer to the damn question.
65.   Apparently, psychology should be on par with TV/VCR repair.
66. Year old people don’t give a shit about you. (If you get this, you’re a damn genius.)
67. The Old Boy network is still alive and kickin.’
68. Sigmund Freud is still a pimp.
69. Saying "Thees ees really goo...." makes you an expert in diversity.
70. Walking around in a brown suit and pink shirt makes you powerful. It also makes you a bitch! And it also gets you cat-calls from sailors!
71. Red Rocks!
72. People who insist on having their hair past their ass need to wash it every day.
73. Don’t expect shit back from administration even if you devote 75% of your time to the betterment of the institution and/or their children.
74. Black socks with pink bows sewn on them are “masculine.”
75. A bad blonde dye job and a black pant-suit left over from the seventies does not make you look like an updated version of Evita Peron.
76. WAIS protocols were not lost. The instructor ate them.
77. When a gay faculty member privately makes fun of the androgynous dean's sex life, friendships are lost.
78. People with Master’s degrees can head up research departments.
79. Why pay top dollar for your clothing when you can go to the thrift store and buy a pair of shoes that are eight sizes too big and have a band-aid on the heel?
80. Kudos last for years.
81. Looking like Sonic the Hedgehog and acting like a bitch really takes you places.
82. In the new millennium, Michelle is pronounced “Mish uh lee”
83. It’s probably best for me to stop saying, “It’s colder than a witch’s tit!” when I’ve never actually had the opportunity to touch a witch’s tit.
84. Hiring a non-licensed alum who looks like everybody's high school sweetheart to run a clinic is standard evidence of diversity training and EOE hiring practices in action.
85. Steve is no longer on Blue’s Clues. He works at the clinic.
86. “Fiiiiif!” is an acceptable mike check.
87. If you are in desperate need of medication to help stabilize your mood, you should probably run for City Council. Hell, you might even become mayor pro tempore one day.
88. White people expect Black people to dance on command.
89. (Song from Ferris Bueller) (spoken) Beautiful! (whispered) Chick Chickaaaaaaaaaaah! BOM BOM! is an acceptable way to communicate with one another that the instructor doesn’t know what he or she is talking about.
90. Don’t feed the fish.
91. Clients will lie to you about oral sex with minors.
92. Leaving for internship/graduating is like Forest giving birth to you while you hold on to the placenta for dear life not knowing them bitches greased that bad boy up.
93. If an instructor’s breasts are hanging down by her belly button and she has a see through blouse on, don’t look at the guy in the wheelchair.
94. Fat men playing with skinny sticks. Why? (Stealing from Tommy Boy and singing) Fat guuuuuy with some skinnyyyy stiiiicks! 
95. The Dean and her daughter are FIPP's very own home-brewed version of Dr.
Jekyll and Ms. Hyde.
96. The president and his wife literally are a "pair-a-docs."
97. Food should be a catalyst, not a ham-fisted attempt at bribery.
98. Having the school lawyer's phone number on a sticky-note affixed to the receptionist's wall at the clinic does not instill confidence...from neither patients nor therapists.
99. Be sure to do a background check on the guy who gave up a gig at Brown U.
100. Do a background check on the Dean, too! 
101. Whoever makes the coffee every morning with 2 filters and a thimble full of coffee is either a cheap motherfucker or they're never gonna make it as a psychologist.
102. The contents of refrigerators should not be allowed to devolve into science projects, napalm like substances, nor nerve gas.
103. Female rabbis get their hair done at City Utilities.
104. Only poo can prevent Forest fires.
105. If you don’t know how to make a bank deposit by yourself, you probably shouldn’t be having sex with people yet. Just a thought.
106. Nudists come in all shapes, sizes . . . and ages. (shivering in disgust)
107. Admissions will pay for minority students to go away to recruit more minority students. (Holding my middle finger up at admissions)
108. Apparently everyone, including the groundskeeper, is qualified to hold the position of Dean.

[AND LAST BUT MOST CERTAINLY NOT LEAST . . .]

109. You can complete undergrad at an ivy league university, earn a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology, obtain a national board certification, attend a prestigious institution overseas, become an administrator within a higher educational setting, and still be white trash.


Kids, it's time for me to go.

To quote Joni Mitchell and Dianne Reeves:

It's life's illusions I recall.
I really don't know life. 
I really don't know clouds.
I really don't know love . . . at all.

But, according to Cassandra Wilson:

I'll tell you there's more than a dream in Rio. I was there on that very day and my heart came back to life! There was more! More than the singing voices! More than the upturned faces! More than the shining eyes . . . .
. . . . but it's more than the shining eyes. [It's more than that] More than the steaming green. [Um, but it's more than that.] Mmmmmm. More than the hidden hills. [I SAID IT'S MORE THAN THAT!] (Jumping out of my seat and dancing because it's more than that!) MORE THAN THE CONCRETE CHRIST! [Dang! That thing is friggin' huge! But, it's more than that!] More than a distant land (wiping the tears from my eyes) over a shining sea! [I'm more than that] More than a hungry child! [I told you I was more than that!] More like another time! [Yay! I'm more than that!] More than a million years! More like a million years! 

Um, but I'm more than that, too.

Peace out to revolution. I know there's confusion. Here to do what you gotta do now. (dropping the microphone and walking away from the computer with voice trailing off) Can't stand life weak and strong. Mmmph.

LOL Erykah Badu is crazy. 
I'm out bitches! It's a celebration!!!