Me at Silver Falls in Oregon

my name is botan. i like mostly rock, metal, and rave music, cutting, smoking pot, having sex and hanging out with my friends alot. im an ADHD child.(just warning you) i can get really weird. and i just found out that i have FAS. :p

You may ask me four questions.
Any four, no matter how private, how personal, how random.
I have to answer them honestly, and I have to answer them ALL.

[If you REALLY LIKE SOMEONE right now AND MISS THEM and can't get them out of your head then re-post this within 1 mintute and whoever you are missing will surprise you..]
if a kiss is the Language of Love,
then we have a lot to talk about it...

methods of Love....

*kiss on the ear--------------------"i'm horny"
*kiss on the cheek-----------------"we're friends"
*kiss on the hand------------------"i adore you"
*kiss on the neck-------------------"we belong together"
*kiss on the shoulder--------------"i want you"
*kiss on the lips---------------------"i love you" or "i want you"
*holding hands-----------------------"we can learn to love each other"
*a wink---------------------------------"Let's get it on"
*slap on the butt---------------------"thats mine"
*playing with the ear----------------"i can't live without you"
*holding on tight---------------------"don't let go"
*looking into each other's eyes---"let's get romantic"
*playing with hair on head---------------"tell me you love me"
*arms around the waist -----------"i love you too much to let go"
*laughing while kissing-----------"i am completley comfortable w/you"

=advice=
***if you're kissing someone, close your eyes. it's not nice to stare...
***if you were thinking about someone while reading this, you're definitely in love...

SUICIDE
BY SHIEI (my very good friend, the one that i have the first picture of on my home page.)

You look up and I’m resting
And you think I’m just testing
You come over to awaken me
You are horrified by what you see
In my hand lies a knife
You wonder why it took my life
Cuts running deep
You start to weep
I killed myself you don’t know why
You think maybe it’s just a lie
As you cry and weep for me
You start to move me carefully
Blood stains on your favorite shirt
Making it a deep shade of dirt
You place me on my big white bed
With your lips you kiss my head
One last time you smile wide,
Right before your suicide

*yay that was fun!*

~*free*~
here i stand in the rain
i tell you of my sullen pain
you glance at me and look away
theres something there but you wont say,
drops of blood fall to the ground
i beg the world to be found
your decietfull eyes watching me
very soon i will be free,
free from your overbearing walls
free to wander through the halls
free from your grasping hand
free from your every demand,
as you look in my eyes
a wave of emotion will soon arise
my eyes soon dull
a slight pull,
i fall to the ground
nothing makes a sound
just as i previously said..
now im free...now im dead...


FREAKS!
A good friend of mine wrote this, and it really touched me in places that alot of people can't, so please read this, it's quit lovely I think.
_____________________________________________
Stupid children and Candy Cane Covered Whores, all the same, un-thoughtful comments, and abandon dreams, we are the people without a made future, we play black tones, and sing dead songs, but in the end, it all fades. Our hearts misused and abused, they are traded for pleasure, but unreasured people always lie, but as much as we wish to die, that dream will never be made without reason, so we trade ourselfs to liars and widows, not knowing what pieces their carrying, cut and sowed we are the missing piece in teen agony, I am the stolen piece, the one with hatred for who I am who has disregard for who I wish to be.

      To Emo
      From Misery


Use emotions About the emotions  Your own emotions 

Comment on this text in XsickX's private messagebox.


here are a few of my favorite poems.

LOVE ME.

Love me
touch me
beat me
feal me

Do all the things
you know you wanna do.....

burn me
fuck me...
hard, make me cry

with sorrow tears
of yonder years

kiss me
hold me
cry with me



KEEP CHOKING

  This addiction is killin me,
One more is what I keep telling me.

  Its so hard to just quit,
But Im inspired by the green and yellow spit

  Its a sickness, a habit and a desire
To take this white stick & just set fire.

  Pee's & carrots, Me and fucking smoking,
Well, I guess Ill continue to just keep choking.



CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES! THIS IS MY LAST RESORT! SUFFOCATION! NO BREATHING! DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF I CUT MY ARM BLEADING!

HANDMADE THOUGHTS

So many writers with nothing to say
The same thoughts written in a different way

Each new idea that seems so grand
Falls short of ideals and short of hand

Collapsed under weight of previous lines
Written by writers with much greater minds

The best of the best are still frozen in time
Captured through novels and occational rhyme

But what can we say that hasn't been thought
Seeking out words that were allready sought

Stuttering pens attached to a hand
Spurting out lines that couldn't be planned

Simple ideas are lost in the moment
Recaptured at night in bed-tossing torment

A million pens itching to scratch it in stone
A thousand lips parthing to let out a groan

Papers are crumpled and strewn on the floor
Two poems are banished and replace by five more

Thought and ideas that didn't sound right
Keep you up thinking half of the night

Continuous reading through every last line
Numbing the feelings that made it sublime

Few leave a legacy scribbled in gold
Everyone yearning to break through the mold

There are too many people who want to be heard
Everyone screaming to get the last word

Without the great the wisdom that must be impared
by most of the writers whom life has regarded

So why do we struggle as "artests" through time
Hoping one day we'll perfect a great rhyme

Because we need to do something to get it all out
And explain to ourselves what life is about

i will rot in my old pine box
i will fade away as the worms eat my flesh
six feet under, who will care
my body is gone, no memories to lenger on
no one to remember who i was
oh well to hell with them all
i have myself, but i even hate me
no life i have nor will i ever have one
so why do i suffer
why do i even live
maybe im already dead
and i'm just trying to keep in touch
with my former life
already rotting in my grave
stuck in my coffin beating and banging
trying to get out
no one hears my cries
no one has ever heard them
why am i not surprised at that
like anyone cares
but yet i claw at the wood try to free myself
screaming for help but no one answers my calls
no one hears my pleas for forgivness
i am damned to this feeling
feeling of drowning feeling of suffication
i cant breath the air leaving my body
i gasp for my last breaths
but the demons choke me squeezing my neck
so i cant yell any longer
i give up on this hell im already dead
and i just now figured this out
some fool i am
i look at the inside of my coffin
looking at the scratch marks
and the fragments of finger nails
dug deep into the wood
oh well it was worth a try it was worth it
the yelling the screaming and the clawing
yes it was worth it.

that's a poem from DARKPOETRY.COM ^_^




Lost Insanity


How Do I Want You?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You ask me,
softly whispering in my ear,
"How do you want me?".

I want you
to push me down
hold my arms above my head
and kiss me
until I am breathless from your touch,
until the feel of your slick warmth
makes me scream for release

I want you to
lay me softly on the sand
in sight of the moon
and with gentleness
that will draw tears from my soul
take my body to places
it has never been

I want you
to take me against a wall,
still clothed
quickly and urgently
with a passion that ravishes
but still loves

I want you
to take me to a high hill
on a warm summer night
and love me under the stars
until the beauty of us
eclipses even them.

I want you
to walk down a street
with my hand in yours

I want you
to greet me, as we meet
with a soft loving kiss

I want to
look up from my desk
and see you at yours

I want to
wake in my bed
and see you there

I want
to see your love
in your warm smile

I want
to see happiness and contentment
glowing on your face

I want
your presence in my life

I want............
all the things
all the times
all the feelings
that are passing by
that say we two are one

How do I want you?
What a question,
my love
when my want knows no boundaries.
In all ways
in all places
in all times
I want you



Merry-go-round

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The clouds fold over eachother as darkness seems to rise

Sitting on the merry-go-round contemplating life

I spin myself fast and lay down watching the world spin before me

I close my eyes to pretend that the darkness I see when I close my eyes is the darkness that overcomes the world to shut everything and everyone out

But yet again when I open my eyes everything that was always there... is to my surprise... still there...

The sun slowly disappears behind the clouds that seem to be whisping away.

The swing glides back in forth in the wind... and for a brief second I can almost hear a little girl laughing.

The monkey bars stand still as if waiting for someone to hold onto them.

I lift myself up from the merry-go-round... realizing that was a bad desicion because I still feel myself moving although I'm going no where.

I take a step to go home, but then turn around and see that the merry-go-round is spinning the swings are swinging and the monkey bars are dancing...

I chuckle to myself as the clouds fold over eachother as darkness seems to rise...
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[Atikin] this guy has been my friend since i was 15. he can be so wonderful, but he can also hurt you more than you could possibly imagine. Talk to him if you wish...(he'll still always be mine)

Here are a few more of my friends on ET:
[Shiarox]this was my first bestest bud, and still is. she's my sexy sexy bitch! ^^
[bloodwraith]A very dear friend of mine.
[Genocide.]He's my dear friend. he's going out with one of my best friends, you'd know her as [Wolf__Moon]
[Marijuana User]is another one of my good friends. he's on alot, so it's nice to talk to him. he's a good guy, but he's havin a bit o trouble with the law right now. sux to the damn law! >.<
[Eriseith]MINE! i clame her as my own! muahahahahaha! ^^
[LiKeaNaDDiCt]is another one of my good friends. hes also fun to talk to.
[~~Stitched~~]awww, you can't forget hellelf! ^^ hes a good bud.

god damn it. -_- i got to many ppl to put on right now. ill have to finish l8er. sorries! ^^

CUTTING
The Reasons to Why We Do This

Cutting and Self-Mutilation is a serious matter. It is when a person causes harm or alters their body's functions or appearance.
  The most common self-mutilation is cutting. This is when a person causes scratches or marks on their skin with sharp objects such as razor blades, knifes, safety pins, pocket knifes, scissors, etc.
  Other less common forms of self-mutilation is overdosing, hair pulling, burning, self-strangulation, rubber band snapping, salt and ice, etc. Below, I will go in more detail of each of these catagories.
  Overdosing is a way many people self inflict pain or self-mutilate. Overdosing is when the person takes too many pills or drugs than needed or supposed to be taken. How this is self-mutilation is because many drugs or pills will change your interior, or the inside of your body, rather than the outside. It may kill some brain cells or rott away your stomach {it all depends on the pills/drugs}. Sometimes, overdosing leads to death, or suicide.
  Hair-pulling is exactly what the name of it states. People purposefully pull their hair out. This causes little pricks of pain when hairs are pulled. Things that can occur after many times of hair pulling are bald spots.
  Burning is when a person purposefully burns their skin in order to cause pain on themselves. Many burners use matches, candles, sparklers, and things directly from the oven that are very hot. This form of self-mutilation can eventually lead up to first, second, or third degree burns.
  Self-strangulation is when a person strangles themselves and makes it hard to breathe. This form isn't as horrible as the rest because it doesn't leave marks or scars like the most of the others. Although, this self-mutilation can leave red marks right after it is performed if you press hard enough against your neck.
  Rubberband snapping is an odd self-mutilation. This type is when a person puts a rubberband around their wrists or ankles and pulls back the rubberband, then quickly snaps it back, causing pain onto themselves. This form will cause welts from where they striked. Also, many cutters use this form of self-mutilation as a way to get out of the addicting cutting form.
  Salt and ice is a strange form of self-mutilation when people pour salt onto their skin, and then put ice over top of the salt. This causes pain and it can deteriorate the skin. This form has just recently been discovered.
  Many self-mutilators do this for different reasons. I'm going to tell you some common reasons. 
  One reason is because the self-mutilators think of physical pain as a release of emotional pain. Another is because some cutters like the blood. The sight and/or feeling fascinates some people and they like it so much, they cause pain to themselves to get it. Another reason is because the people are depressed and they don't know what to do with themselves.
  I told you some reasons because many friends of cutters out there are confused on why people cut and they needed a little clarity. If you know a cutter or self-mutilator, I would talk to them and see if you can get more clarity on their situation.

  Over the past few years, the Self-Mutilation population has increased dramatically like depression and eating disorders. The media tells girls they need to be a perfect size 3 to be beautiful. Of course this is not true. But this stresses many people out and they become depressed because they can't reach what the media is asking for. This causes eating disorders and depression. But depression CAN cause self-mutilators. They are all in the same catagory...




A hug leads to a kiss..
A kiss leads to a lick..
A lick leads to a suck..
A suck leads to a fuck..
*hmmmm, um wanna hug?*

Bryon and I are doing good. We've been together for almost a year and a half now.  ^_^ I got lucky with this one!