Blue's Page of Laughs

Disclaimer: I do NOT wish to offend anyone with these jokes. I just found these very entertaining and wished to share them with you. Please do not message me insults or complaints or report this to the guards as harassment or an insult. I will tell the guards of this disclaimer. Also do not accuse me of stealing these from your pages. Most of them are on several pages of people here on elftown. As far as I know, these are all anonymous. Enjoy!


The Blonde (i got this and the next one from the page of [Vampress Bloodreign] though I think I've seen this on a few different pages)

* she called me to get my phone number.
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
*she tried to drown a fish.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

my sis found this, its anonymous
Top ten methods of proof in Calculus

1. Proof by general agreement: "All in favor?..."
2. Proof by intimadation: "Don't be stupid, of course it's true."
3. Proof by accident: Hey, what do we have here?"
4. Proof by insingnificance: "Who really cares anyway?"
5. Proof by Calculus: "this proof requires calculus, so we'll skip it"
6. Proof by hasty generalizations: "Well, it works for 17, so it works for all reals"
7. Proof by lack of interest: "Does anyone really want to see this?"
8. Proof by deception: "Ok, now everyone turn your backs..."
9. Proff by tessellation: "this proof is just the same as the last one."
10. Proof by A.F.K.T theorem: " Any Fool Knows That"


TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING THE MATH HOMEWORK

1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
2. Isaac Newton's birthday.
3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't
actually reach it.
4. I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove
that it converged.
6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in
and ate it.
8. I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or
i is the square root of negative one.
9. I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee.
I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
10. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but
this morning I couldn't find it.


THINGS TO DO WHEN JEHOVAH WITNESSES VISIT YOU

1. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of Christian charity lasts.
2. Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.
3. Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the Forty two children. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.
4. Excuse yourself from the front door and DO NOT come back.
5. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls - your bookie, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.
6. Pick an often repeated word in their vocabulary (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.
7. Same as above, except say "beep" instead of giggling.
8. Guys - part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole works. Make encouraging noises (uh huh, I see...) throughout and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a #7. If they're still there when you are done, ask them if they would please kindly leave
as you have a hot date in ten minutes.
9. Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.


WARNING SIGNS OF INSANITY

* You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
* You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
* You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
* You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
* Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of them, in places you wouldn't even expect tentacles to be growing from!
* You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
* Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
* You laugh out loud during funerals.
* Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
* You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
* You have meaningful conversations with your toaster. (Well, it's a better conversationalist than the waffle iron!)
* Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
* You scream "I've got a knife!" while wielding your toothbrush to people who try to sell you things.
* You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
* You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
* Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
* Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
* When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
* You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
* You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
* You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
* You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
* You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
* People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is retards cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word
from each line

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead

MEN'S ENGLISH:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay


ONLY IN AMERICA

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


Ever wonder why?.....
1.) Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
2.) Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth
closed?
3.) Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"?
4.) Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
5.) Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
6.) Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
7.) Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
8.) Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9.) Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
10.) Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
11.) When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
12.) Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
13.) Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
14.) You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
15.) Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
16.) Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
17.) If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
18.) If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
19.) Why people drive on parkways but park on driveways?


Things u should never say to a cop....
 
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Hey!!!! aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. Oh GOD!!! you're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. What the fuck?! I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
13."Officer I wasn't speeding...I was qualifying for NASCAR."


75 Ways To Order Pizza(don't start reading unless you plan to read the whole thing)
1. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. When they ask for your phone # give them theirs and see if they notice.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
10. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
11. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
12. Stutter on the letter "p."
13. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Change your accent every three seconds.
16. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" See how they respond.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Imitate the order taker's voice.
23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
29. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
30. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
31. Ask to see a menu.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
34. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
35. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.
36. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
37. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
38. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
39. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
40. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
41. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
42. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
43. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
44. Try to talk while drinking something.
45. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
46. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
47. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
48. Be vague in your order.
49. Use CB lingo where applicable.
50. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
51. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
52. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
53. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
56. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
57. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
58. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
59. Put them on hold.
60. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
61. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
62. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
63. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
64. When you've given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
65. Haggle.
66. Order a one-inch pizza.
67. Order term life insurance.
68. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
69. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
70. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
71. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
72. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
73. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
74. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
75. Order a steamed pizza.

More to come!!!