Chapter 1. Durch Den Monsun
Fighting the storm, into the blue, and when I lose myself I think of you...
http://www.imeem.com/people/Ipm8EK/music/yWO41jup/tokio_hotel_monsoon/
It was midnight... The band Tokio Hotel had gone through a long performance earlier that night. Everyone was exhausted and passed out in their beds, snoring and dreaming away the night, except for one member. Bill Kaulitz lay wide awake, his still darkly outlined brown eyes wide and lips pulled thin. Every time there was a crack of thunder outside, the vocalist jumped and jerked the blankets over his head. He couldn't sleep with the stupid thunder storm raging outside the window. The sounds, and unframilliar place scared him half to hell. Sighing in frustration and growing even more anxious by the second he slipped out of bed and walked to where his twin brother lay fast asleep and snoring. Reaching out a primmed and perfect hand he softly tapped on Tom's shoulder, waiting for him to stir and answer his gesture. Seeing him unmoving he gave him a bit more of a forceful nudge, whispering loudly. "Tom! Wake up!"
Tom, the guitarist for the band and twin brother of the aforementioned singer, lay comfortably in his own bed. Well, not really comfortably. He was having a dream, that was scaring him witless...but at the same time turned him on more than anything or anyone else ever had in his whole life. He unconciously licked his lips in his slumber, his dream self reaching out for the stick-thin body, the protruding hipbones, the star tattoo... He groaned, the skin beneath his hands infinitely soft and smooth. He kissed all over the abdomen, a growl-like groan coming from his throat at the feel of the perfect skin beneath his lips. He needed more, wanted more... And that's when he was pulled from his dream world. He fought to stay asleep, to hold onto that dream...but the flawless body faded when he heard his name called. Growling, warm brown eyes opened and stared up at ones identical to his own. He gulped. It was storming outside... He knew what this was about. But he wasn't in the mood to accomodate such a request, especially not after that dream. "What do you want?" he groaned, hoping that perhaps his brother had come for something else, though there was nothing else he could possibly want on a night such as this.
He watched as his sibling groaned and growled in his sleep, wondering what he could possibly be dreaming about that made him act so in his slumber. Rolling his eyes and nervously shifting his weight, Bill figured his twin was dreaming of some girl he had spotted in the audience and was now dreaming about her, that or he was in some wild fight. Relief washed over him when Tom woke up, looking up at him and making eye contact. "I can't sleep..." He sighed, giving Tom that look which asked for his older brothers sympathy. "Can I sleep in bed with you... Please? Its weird sleeping with Gustav, or Georg."
Tom gulped. He really wasn't...under control enough to have anyone in bed with him, even his brother...
'Especially him...' he thought. But he couldn't resist when Bill made that face, that face that had worked on him so many times before... That face had persuaded him into more bad ideas than he cared to count, and it seemed that he could add this to that list now. Sighing, he nodded, pulling back his blankets to let his younger twin sleep with him. He hoped that his problem would go away quickly, but he doubted it. Once he got worked up, it was hard for him to calm down. He moved as far away from Bill as he could in hopes that he wouldn't feel the erection that was practically popping out of the sweatpants he wore.
Bill smiled weakly, sitting down on the edge of the bed before shifting into it. He layed down on the bunk beside his brother, turning himself so that his back was to his brother. "You can sleep with your back to mine if you want.. I know I'm getting a little old for this but I can't help it. Thanks Tom." Bill layed his head down, nestling in and pulling the blankets over his slender body. Sighing softly, black lidded eyes fluttered shut. In an instant he relaxed, completely calmed by the company of his brother.
"It's no problem..." Tom replied, trying desperately to ignore the growing problem. He had his back turned to Bill, but even with his presence... He shuttered, going back to that dream. That tattoo was right within his grasp and yet... He didn't know when this issue had come along, but for some reason he'd been having the strangest urges for his brother. Of course, they'd always been there but they'd been easier to deal with before they went on tour. He could hide himself in his room if he had to escape him. But now he
had to be around him all the time, he had to see him in every various state of undress... His cock jumped yet again and he let out an angry growl, wishing the stupid thing would give it a rest for the night. It wasn't getting attention tonight, not with Bill this close to him. He could never...and not with the thoughts he was having about Bill running through his head. He was absolutely ashamed of himself... How in the hell could he actually
want his own flesh and blood? How could he be in love with Bill?
Bill heard the growling sounds of anger from his brother. He knew that he had disturbed his twin's sleep and now Tom was most likely having issues falling back to sleep. An instant feeling of guilt bubbled into his stomach, sitting there heavy and making it difficult for him to get to sleep despite the presence of his sibling. He went to sigh when a crack of thunder made him jump violently. Turning he hugged onto Tom's back, burrowing his face against the back of his neck while praying he didn't mind the contact. Taking in the scent of his kin his eyes fluttered closed, heart throbbing in not only fear, but the surging emotions he had kept hidden for so long. Closing eyes softly he relaxed once more, cuddling up close and slowly drifting into sleep.
Tom froze, eyes flying open at the touch of his brother. He'd been trying to go back to sleep, and his erection had started to calm down but now... There was no way that he could possibly go to sleep like this, not with Bill holding him like this... A quiet sigh of pleasure escaped his lips, letting himself for a moment revel in the feeling of his beloved brother up against him. But the moment didn't last long, for the next thing he thought about was how disgusting this was. His feelings...the
y were wrong, shameful, atrocious... He fought so hard against what he wanted, but in the end he always submitted to his carnal desires. He had tried to reconcile his feelings so many different ways. First, he'd assumed that he only felt this way because Bill was so feminine and he was in desperate need of finding a female. But even after fucking several different women, his desire for Bill didn't diminish. He then thought that perhaps he was gay, and that he admired Bill for being so open with everyone around them about his sexuality. So, to try and "fix" himself, he slept with a man...several men to be exact. But that hadn't worked either. He didn't understand why the feeling never went away...why whenever Bill walked into a room his eyes went directly to him, why his heart fluttered whenever they touched, why he longed to do things to Bill that brothers should never do with one another... His heart ached and longed for Bill, but his head chastised him for thinking this way. How could he want this? His thoughts of Bill were disgusting and deviant, he told himself. They needed to disappear... But for all the arguing he did with himself, it got him nowhere. With every passing day, he yearned more and more for his brother, wanted to make him his... So what was he to do? He choked a bit, tears coming to his eyes as his self-hatred began to take control of him...
Bill had barely gotten to sleep when he heard Tom choking back on sobs. Exhausted and rubbing his eyes he sat up, not entirely grasping the situation until he heard it again and looked over. Taking his arms to himself he replaced them with a single hand on the rounded shoulder, looking over into his brother's face. When he spotted the tears beading in the corner of opposite eyes his chest lurched and gt knotted horribly. He couldn't stand to see Tom cry, even in movies. "Tom?" He shook him gently, trying to get his attention. "Whats wrong, why are you crying?" It pained him seeing tears leaking from those eyes... Those beautiful brown eyes that he admired so greatly. Every time he saw the identical brown eyes he couldn't help but stare into them, he loved to look at them, and at Tom. He cursed himself mentally, pushing the desire to show undying love for him out of his head. "Tom?"
Hearing the soft voice of his brother speak to him, Tom broke away from himself. He saw the look of worry on his face and knew he must of heard him crying. He winced, ashamed that he'd shown weakness in front of him. When his brother asked him what was wrong, his eyes widened. His mouth opened as if to say something a few times, but he stopped himself every time. Realization had hit him. He couldn't talk to Bill about his problems, not this time. He was so used telling his brother everything that it shocked him that he would have to keep this to himself. Not only that, but it made him feel ill, his intestines churning wickedly as he stared up at the loving eyes above him. At this realization, more tears came to his eyes. Silently, he wrapped his arms around the other, sobbing. He prayed none of the others heard him as he cried into his brother's shirt. The last thing he needed was an audience right now. He wanted to tell Bill so badly...he wanted to tell him everything... But there was no way that would ever happen...was there?
Bill knitted his brows more when he saw his twin's hesitance to tell him what was the matter. All he knew that was his brother was in some sort of emotional or physical pain, and that he had to be there for the one he secretly loved. Reaching a hand out he gently touched the damp cheek turned toward him, rubbing it gently. "Its okay to cry, I do it too." He said softly to him, attempting at comforting his brother who grew more and more hysteric by the moment. When Tom threw himself onto him, sobbing into his shoulder he wrapped his arms tightly around him, rubbing his back slowly. "It'll be okay Tom."
Normally, Tom would take comfort in these words but now he just couldn't. Because he knew it wasn't going to be okay, things would never be okay. His body shook as he continued to cry against his brother's chest as everything he'd ever thought and felt for Bill came flooding back. Even the dream he'd had of Bill just moments ago made him want to wretch. How could he think this way? And yet...the feelings persisted... No matter how many times he chastised himself for how he felt, he continued to have these feelings...to lust for him...to love him... Yes, what he felt for him was not merely lust. Bill was already his everything, he just wished his brother could feel the same way. But that wasn't possible... He would push Bill away if he told him...but the pain in his heart was building up. He wanted to spill it all, just get it all out...but it would totally destroy the special bond he and Bill shared, and he just couldn't handle that...not yet... "It hurts..." he mumbled against his brother's chest, not sure if he'd actually spoken the words or just thought them.
Hid expression changed to a even more concerned one when the tears just grew heavier at his comfort. He was starting to become scared for Tom, and mentally panicking. His grip tightened, sighing softly and blinking back tears that began to flood into his own eyes. Slowly he lied himself and his brother back down onto the mattress, petting the dreaded hair slowly. When the words were whimpered against his chest he looked down, his heart sinking heavily.. His own chest as killing him. It hurt so bad he had to sit there with his sobbing brother, unable to comfort him in the way he desired so greatly, unable to kiss and silence those lips. "What hurts... Tom what hurts?"
Tom tried to calm down, trying to keep his tears from falling but they just wouldn't stop. He wanted to tell Bill... But to tell Bill would destroy them. But how long could he keep this secret? He'd been living with it ever since he was fourteen, when he lost his virginity in hopes of forgetting blossoming feelings he discovered that he had for his brother. Of course, nothing had changed. Only thing that was different was that he wasn't a virgin anymore. Now they were nineteen, and his heart felt no different. If anything, his condition had gotten worse as he got older. He still loved him, still wanted him, still wanted to be with him. Is this how he was going to live the rest of his life? Just trying to cope and hide his feelings, knowing that no matter how much he tried that they would always be there? He couldn't take that... It's not what he wanted. He had to tell Bill, he decided. But how? How could he tell his twin that he was in love with him without disgusting him? Well...of course he would be disgusted, but... He sighed, a few more tears rolling down his cheeks. There was no good way to do this. But he knew he had to tell him. Maybe if Bill broke his heart now and got it over it, he could move on...though he doubted it. "Bill..." he said quietly, looking up at his younger brother. He was surprised to see a few tears rolling down his cheeks as well and immediately felt bad. Here his brother was trying to be kind, and he was too busy thinking about his own sick fantasies to realize that he was hurting him. "I'm sorry..." he whispered, slowly pulling away from him. He didn't want to upset Bill anymore than he had...
"Wh...What? Why are you sorry you haven't done anything wrong at all. I'm just worried about you, I never see you this upset..." He sat back up, looking into the face that looked away from his. He looked down, figuring Tom hated the look on his face, the deep concern he had... He most likely found it disgusting and questionable. Biting back his lip harshly he sighed, getting up slowly. "Do you want me to leave you lone for the night? I'll go back to my own bunk if you want." He stood there, keeping his eyes on the floor and occasionally glanced up to his twin. He completely was blaming himself for Tom's state. If he would of just let him sleep he would be like this.
"No!" Tom said immediately, and quite loudly as well. He covered his mouth, eyes wide as he waited to see if anyone would wake up. Beside the sound of Gustav's snoring, there was no sound. He breathed a sigh of relief, glad no one had heard him. He chuckled quietly as he looked up at his twin. "No... You don't have to leave..." he said. A crack of lightning just outside the bus illuminated everything, and Tom could see the eyeliner running down his brother's cheeks. Out of pure instinct he leaned forward, wiping away the black tears that decorated the pale face. When he realized what he was doing, he gasped, absolutely ashamed of himself. He put his hand back down. This couldn't go on. He had to tell Bill. 'Yeah, I keep saying that but nothing's happening...' he thought. Taking a deep breath he moved back, leaving a space for Bill. "Come lay with me," he said, blushing at how promiscuous it sounded. But all he wanted was to talk...atleast for now.
Bill blinked at his brother's suddenly shouting. Blinking for a few minutes he smiled weakly when he heard the faint laugh.. The sound had brought him so much relief. He relaxed, his muscles loosing their tense state and the butterflies in his stomach ceased. When the lightening illuminated the bus he jumped, covering his mouth to hide the yelp that left it. Thinking his brother was just being friendly by wiping away the tears he quickly crawled into bed with his sibling, laying back down. "We should get to sleep..."
"I..." Tom trailed off, not sure how to start. He really wanted to just get all this out of the way. But...if Bill was tired... Knowing his twin, he would probably think he'd just dreamt the entire conversation and then he'd have to explain himself all over again. Sighing, he asked, "Are you really tired?" If he was, he would end this conversation now and wait till tomorrow to bring the subject up again... But by then he would probably have talked himself out of it and buried himself in his safe cocoon of self-hatred.
"I am.. tired.." He looked at Tom slightly quizzical. Yawning he rubbed an eye, smearing the moist make-up around his eyes. He was exhausted... He had strut across the stage for hours, dealt with screaming fans wanting his autograph, and had to sit through their manager's babbling, and most recently his brothers hysterics. He was actually fighting the sleepyness which was washing over him. Laying back down he closed his eyes, nestling against the pillows.
"Well there was something that I..." He trailed off, watching his brother lay down. Obviously, this was hopeless. Bill was just way too tired to talk tonight, especially about something so...serious. Sighing, he laid down as well, disappointed. Tom really had just wanted to get this off his chest, considering there was no guarantee he'd be as brave in the morning. "Nevermind. Night, Bill..." he murmured as he snuggled down into his blankets, hoping that he maybe could go to sleep...but he doubted it.
Read the next chapter, Spring Nicht.
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