Funny quotes

Lets start with some goblin humor :D

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Goblins don't know the meaning of the word "tactics" —or the word "meaning," for that matter.

Well, I jammed the whatsit into the whackdoodle, but I think I broke the thingamajigger

The goblin word for "flying" is more accurately translated as "falling slowly."

Darius?
Yeah?
There is a goblin sneaking up on you.
so?
Just sayin.

I like Goblins. They make funny little popping sounds when they die.

I wrecked your metal guy, boss. But look! I made you an ashtray!

Throw enough goblins at any problem and it should go away. At the very least, there'll be fewer goblins.

Grow food in dirt? Save time—eat dirt.

"Hup, two, three, four, Dunno how to count no more." —Mogg march

Years of attempts have brought the goblins no closer to growing a sausage tree.

Throw rocks at 'em! Throw spears at 'em! Throw Furt at 'em!

Once he'd worked out which end of the thing was sharp, he was promoted to guard duty.

The good news is, we figured out how the wand works. The bad news is, we figured out how the wand works.

There's no word in the goblin language for "strategy." Then again, there's no word in the goblin language for "word".

It's only a short jump. You go first.
AIIIEEEE!!!!
hmm... We go different way now.

Wizards fought over the sone to exploit its power. Goblins fight over it because it's shiny.

Four little goblins, trapped by the sea.
One teased a serpent, and then there were three.

Three little goblins, enjoying their brew.
One bumped an ogre, and then there were two.

Two little goblins, out in the sun.
Down came a griffin, and then there was one.

One little gobling shook up the ground.
When te dust cleared, no one was found.

A single dedicated mind can bring about the greatest destruction. That, or goblins- goblins work too.

Ogg hit wall. Ogg no kill wall. Ogg hate wall!

"So he gots a sword. Big deal." "Yeah, it's a big deal-it's a big sword!" -Two goblins outside the gates of Trokin

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Other Magic: The Gathering card stuff

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The land promisis nothing en the land keeps it's promise.

Eenie, meenie, minie, moe... Oh, why not blast all of them?

Part of me believes that Barrin taught me meditation simply to shut me up.

if you're smaller than the anaconda it considers you food, if you're bigger than the anaconda it considers you a lot of food.

The dead make good soldiers. They can't disobey orders, they never surrender, and they don't stop fighting when a random body part falls of.

Change your mind. Or i'll change it for you.

If you find yourself and a friend being chased by a King Cheetah, you have but one chance: Trip your friend. - Suq'Ata wisdom

Seek balance in all things—as long as the scales are weighted in your favor.

The archers have a reputation for attacking without warning. They claim that the first arrow is the warning.

War is a conflict that determines not who is right—but who is left.

If I wanted your opinion, I'd have told you what is was.

"Some have said there is no subtlety to destruction. You know what? They're dead." -Jaya Ballard, fire mage

"There are two ways for me to pass this gate. One involves you remaining conscious." —Gerrard of the Weatherlight

Is it just me, or does that meteor have teeth?

Hanna: "We must learn how they protect each other."Mirri: "After they've done trying to kill us, all right?"

"Maybe we can trap them with bait," thought Tahngarth, eyeing Squee.

"There are times when destiny calls forth a people and demands an action. Now is the time. We are the people. This is our action. Charge!" —Eladamri, Lord of Leaves

"I once saw a single barbarian charge a band of twenty nomads. I've seen some crazy ones, too." —Nomad sentry

"You are wrong," Volrath said. "I do not hate the living. They often prove quite useful to me." And then he laughed.

To study the predators of the Tangle, two people are required: one to watch from above, and one to run like hell.

Your father has no horns! Your mother wears a bell! You drink the milk of goats! —Talruum (minotaurs) taunts

Few warriors dare to challenge a knight of Capashen. Should one do so, there is one fewer.

There's no 'I' in 'team,' but there's a 'we' in 'weapon.'

He doesn't know why the Cho-Arrim fight the Mercadians, but he's happy to bash heads for them anyway.

The Crookshank military boasts a standing army of nearly twenty-four million, give or take twenty-two million.

In front of every great wizard is a doomed apprentice.

As the sludge below began to shift and take shapes, Gerrard turned from the railing to Orim. "I suppose," he said, "it's a little too late for prayer, isn't it?"

"You've thrown your net at the wrong fish."-The Lord of Atlantis

Its diet consists of fruits, plants, small woodland animals, large woodland animals, woodlands, fruit groves, fruit farmers, and small cities.

"If a rhino's head is lower than its shoulders, trust me—it is not praying." —Mwani, Mtenda herder

The imp, unaware of its own odor, paused to catch its breath . . . and promptly died.

How do you stop a raptor from charging? No, seriously! Help!. -Blarg, goblin jester

Baby dragons can't figure out humans—if they didn't want to be killed, why were they made of meat and treasure?

"Fighting without an army is called a duel, and you'll lose a duel if your enemy comes expecting a war." —Gerrard of the Weatherlight

The gorilla beat its chest and threw great handfuls of leaves into the air. It howled challenge and showed its teeth. The mechanical soldier, not understanding, simply killed it.

Don't try to outrun one of Dominia's grizzlies; it'll catch you, knock you down, and eat you. Of course, you could run up a tree. In that case you'll get a nice view before it knocks the tree down and eats you.

Fortunately, hill giants have large blind spots in which a human can easily hide. Unfortunately, these blind spots are beneath the bottoms of their feet.

The biggest difference between a victory and a massacre is which side you're on.

One pounce, she's hungry—you die quickly. Two, she's teaching her cubs—you're in for a long day.

How can you claim the gods are merciless when they robbed the snake of its limbs to give the other creatures a sporting chance?

Like a meteor, it strikes from above without warning. Unlike a meteor, it then carries you off and eats you.

Everyone is manipulated. It's just more obvious with the dead.

To merfolk, pirates are a nuisance. To pirates, merfolk are a threat. To the kraken, they're both appetizers.

"So," the vulture said to the griffin, "You gonna eat that?'"

The only prince inside this frog is the one it ate.

A wurm knows nothing of deception. If it opens its mouth, it plans to eat you.

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Random quotes

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The golden rule of revenge: Do onto others what they tried to do onto you.

I think, therefore I am........I think....

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

It's like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.

"Me...I'm dishonest. And a dishonest person you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly, it's the honest ones you need to watch out for. You never know when they're going to do something...stupid."
-Jack Sparrow...PotC

It's better to appear stupid with your mouth shut than to open it and remove all doubt.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G... Gummy bears are chasing me. One is red and one is green. The purple one is really mean...


There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. ~Steven Wright

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. ~Dave Barry

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
  1. fighting;
  2. fleeing;
  3. feeding; and
  4. mating. ~ Psychology professor in
neuropsychology intro course

X-rated movies are all alike... the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot.

All racists who are prepared to die for their country, please do so now.

Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.

Assassins do it from behind.

Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.

God bless Atheism!

It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. ~Dolph Sharp

Oh John, let's not park here.
Oh John, let's not park.
Oh John, let's not.
Oh John, let's.
Oh John.
Oh.

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.

Here I sit broken-hearted,
tried to shit but only farted

Later on I took a chance,
tried to fart and shit my pants! ~Restroom Graffiti

Your mama is so fat, when she sings, its over.

As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian." ~Dick Wilson

Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. ~Jay Leno

"What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!"

"Where is an elephants sex organ? In his feet. If he steps on you, you're fucked."

It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. ~Nikkid

"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness,' but it doesn't work." ~Gallagher

"Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea..." ~Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"The first thing to realize about parallel universes... is that they are not parallel. It is also important to realize that they are not, strictly speaking, universes either, but it is easiest if you don't try to realize it until a little later, after you've realized that everything you've realized up to that moment is not true." ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

He who laughs last thinks slowest.


Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

To be is to do (I. Kant)
To do is to be (A. Sartre)
Do-be-do-be-do (F. Sinatra)
Yabba-Dabba-Doo! (F. Flinstone)

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." ~Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science in 1949

"We anticipate a global world-maket with place for perhaps five computers." ~Tom Watson, IBM 1949

"If Darwin's theory of evolution was correct, cats would be able to operate a can opener by now." ~Larry Wright

The great film comedian, Charlie Chaplin, once entered a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like contest for a laugh. To his surprise he did not win.

"You're Hells Angels, then? What chapter are you from?" "REVELATIONS, CHAPTER SIX." ~Death in conversation with a biker
Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens

Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You've Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them. ~The eight Bikers of the Apocalypse
Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens

I got a dog and named him "Stay". Now, I go "Come here, Stay!". After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all. ~Deep Thoughts (Jack Handy)

On the other hand, you have different fingers. ~Deep Thoughts

For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex... uh... setbacks. ~George Bush speech

Cinderella's slippers were originally made out of fur, not glass. The story was changed in the 1600s by a translator. ~Useless facts

Empty what is full, fill what is empty and scratch where it itches. ~Talulah Bankhead

For centuries to come, many years will pass. ~Pat Paulsen

A dog looks up to humans. A cat looks down on people. But a pig will look a human in the eye and see its equal. ~Winston Churchill

Never try to teach a pig to sing. You waste your time, and you annoy the pig. ~Mark Twain

Life is like a game of cards. If you don't have a partner, you better have a good hand.

You wouldn't recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked upon a harpsichord singing "Subtle Plans are Here Again." ~Edmund Blackadder

It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird. ~Prairie Home Companion

Bumper Sticker: "If you can read this, then you're close enough that I can slam on my brakes and sue you for all you're worth".

They say that: "guns don't kill people...people kill people"...i think the gun helps! if you just stood there and yelled !!BANG!! i don't think it would kill too many people.

I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it. ~Friends

Eat healthy, exercise more, still die.

"I think I puked on my cat" ~T. Christmann, "Sunday Morning Sililoquy"

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited over nothing, and then they go and marry him. ~Cher, in Rolling Stone

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. ~Rick N.

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. ~Renée Hicks

The moon may kiss the stars so high
The sun may kiss the bright blue sky
The dew may kiss the morning grass
But you my friend, can kiss my ass

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners. ~Jeff Stilson

I like my sugar with coffee and cream ~Beastie Boys

Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up too...

"Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one, and everyone thinks everyone elses stinks." ~Brandi Kangiser

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." ~Ozzy Ozbourne

All I want is a kind word, a warm bed and unlimited power.

Do not walk behind me for you are not my slave, and do not walk next to me, even though you are my equal.. but walk five steps in front of me cause baby you got a nice ass! ~Allyn Rodriguez

Now I know I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman! ~Homer Simpson

There are three types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk. ~Frida

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get. ~Homer Simpson

Sex is like math: add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hope you don't multiply.

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7,8,9.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? ~Nick Featherman

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? ~Nick Featherman

Why are there flotation devices under seats in airplanes instead of parachutes? ~Nick Featherman

If a cow laughed hard enough, would milk come out it's nose? ~Nick Featherman

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? ~Nick Featherman

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought "what good would that do?". ~Ronnie Shakes

Statistics are used by people who have no proof.

Those who say that words can never hurt them, never got hit in the head with a dictionary.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? ~Gregory Santo

I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me. ~Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her weight-loss)

There ain't no devil, ther'e just God when he's drunk. ~Tom Waits

I plan to live forever... So far so good. ~Lauren

The difference between involved and committed can best be explained using a bacon and egg breakfast as an example: The chicken is involved but the pig is committed.

If you can't face it, moon it. ~Ashley Heiskel

I imagine a world of love, peace, and no wars. Then I imagine myself attacking that place because they would never expect it! ~Tracy Irey

Nobody has figured out the meanig of life, yet almost everyone knows how to make pudding... I don't get it.

Who discovered that you could get milk from cows, and what the HELL did he think he was doing at the time?

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes! ~Hana jo

"Dad! We've done something awful!"
"Did you wreck the car?"
"No"
"Did you raise the dead?"
"Yes"
"But the car is okay?"
"Yes"
"Well run along then"
~The Simpsons

Sure, there's no "I" in team, but there is an "M" and an "E".

Masturbation is like procrastination, it feels good till you realize you're fucking yourself...

Well kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. ~Homer Simpson

A miniskirt speech: Short enough to keep you intrested, long enough to cover the topic.

One night, I was lying in bed looking up at the stars, when suddenly I said to myself, "Hey, where the Hell did my ceiling go?"

When you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way. ~Homer Simpson

I just wish some one would call me "sir"... without adding "you're making a scene". ~Homer Simpson

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." ~Mat Lauer on NBC's Today Show

When hell freezes over, it will be a pretty cool place to snowboard.

The only real proof that there is intelligent life in outer space is that they have never tried to contact us. ~Bill Watterson

I believe that 5 out of 4 people are bad at fractions. ~Jenny O.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. ~Lily Tomlin

"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!" ~Homer Simpson

Ok, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU! ~Homer Simpson

"Stealing! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whats-his-name?" ~Homer Simpson

"No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you." ~Homer Simpson

I used to be undecided, but now I'm not so sure. ~Roscoe Pertwee

How to speak about women and be Politically Correct:
  * She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
  * She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
  * She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
  * She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
  * She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
  * She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION
  * She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
  * She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
  * She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
  * She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
  * She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
  * She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
  * She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
  * She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

What's another word for thesaurus? ~Thomas Edison

While I'm fully aware that money can't buy happiness, I wouldn't mind being known as that melancholy guy who drives the red Lamborghini Diablo. ~George Olson

I doubt, therefore I might be. ~Rene Descarte's younger brother

I'll keep it short and sweet: family, religion, and friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. ~Mr. Burns

I ran up the door, closed the stairs, said my pajamas and put on my prayers, turned off my bed and jumped into the light....all because you kissed me goodnight!

87% of all statistics are just made up

When life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and the salt!

Definition of pain: Jumping off The Empire State Building and landing on a bicycle with no seat.

Defintion of a miracle: Getting off.

Officer: "gee son....your eyes look red, have you been drinkin?" Drunk: "gee officer...your eye's look glazed, have you been eating dounuts?"

Marriage is a 3 ring circus. You got the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

By God, I wear the pants in this house. My wife just tells me which pair to wear.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

I like your style, I like your class, but most of all I like your ass.

If the Pope takes a dump, is it Holy shit?

Sean Connery: "It looks like this is my lucky day. I'll take "the rapists" for 200!"
Trebek: "That's 'therapists,' not 'the rapists'
~SNL Celebrity Jeopardy

All right brain, I don't like you and you don't like me, so let's just do this and I'll go back to killing you with beer. ~Homer Simpson

Ya gotta hate it when guys use the wrong head to make up their minds. ~Carrie Sechler

Suicide is a way of telling God "you can't fire me... I QUIT."

"..a third had died in his bunk of natural causes - for a dagger in the heart quite naturally ends one's life.."

Truth hurts... Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.

Is it because light travels faster than sound that some people appear bright until they speak?

Life is like a boner: long and hard.

Occifer, I swear to drunk I'm not god!

Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: A "megasoreass"

Why do we call something sent by car a "shipment" and something sent by ship a "cargo?"

Sometimes I dream that a big, giant squirrel is carrying me away. Does that make me a nut?

If you think life is bad now, how would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard, only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mom! So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!

Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not like the people screaming in his car.

Q: Whats long, hard and full of seamen?
A: A submarine

I have the body of a god! Too bad it's Buddah

Jesus Saves! By using double coupons and shopping wisely.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
Better get some support before people think we're nuts!

Being single is like a vacuum cleaner: its sucks when you're turned on

WANTED:
A tall, good-looking guy with a good
reputation, who is friends with every-
body, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1, 3 and 5

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

You're the cum your mother should have swallowed

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it's about time you became informed!
{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake.

According to a new study, 70% of teenagers get their information about sex from pornography. Which explains why so many teeneagers want to be pizza deliverymen.

I know Kung Foo, Karate, and 47 other dangerous words.

After 23 years, Miss Piggie will finally end her relationship with Kermit the Frog after he converts to Judaism and can no longer eat pork.

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound?

Behind every great man is a great woman. And behind every great woman, is a guy looking at her ass.

An average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm. When it ejaculates, only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean everytime one unloads, and you wonder why the ocean is so salty...

Save a mouse, eat a pussy

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

When man invented fire, he didn’t say, "hey, let’s cook", he said, "great, now we can see naked bottoms in the dark!"

I'm half Welsh and half Hungarian: this makes me Wel-hung!

I love women. I love every bone in their body... especially mine. ~Steven Tyler

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colon." Need I say more?" ~Chris Rock

A girl's legs are her best friends, but all best friends must part eventually.

If your name was homework, I'd be doing you on my desk right now...

Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole damn Chicken!

Why was Tigger looking down the toilet? He was looking for Pooh.

I was standing in the park, wondering why frisbees got bigger as they came closer... then it hit me!

Physics is like sex...sure there are practical reasons for it, but that's not why we do it.

Welcome to our OOL... notice there is no P in it... please keep it that way

They say the guys with really cool cars are compensating for small wangs. Well, ladies, I don't even have a car.

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that they can train Americans to stand by the edge of a large, water filled tank and feed them fish, after only a week in captivity?

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

Curiosity didn't kill the cat, it made the kittens.

Religion has actually convinced people that there is an invisible man living in the sky, and he has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these things he will send you to a place full of fire, and smoke, and burn and torture forever and ever 'till the end of time.... but he LOVES you. And he needs money.

Who ever said anything was possible has never tried to close a revolving door.

Wanting to meet an author because you like his work is like wanting to meet a duck because you like paté.

Who's idea of a sick joke was it to put an "s" in the word lisp?

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass & think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes & dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work & their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer & let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.'

The very existence of flame throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'

Computer games don't affect kids; I mean, if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

Todays women put on wigs, fake eyelashes, false fingernails, sixteen pounds of assorted make up, including living bras and various pads that would make a linebacker envious, she has implants and other surgeries and later she complains that she cant find a REAL man.

I think incest jokes are about as funny as aunts in your pants, and bathroom jokes are about as funny as a bowel full of monkeys, and racial jokes are about as funny as calling a spade a spade, and VD jokes are about as funny as looking a gift whore in the mouth for herpes, and drug jokes are about as funny as losing your last needle in a haystack, and presidential assassination jokes are just as funny as a shot in the head. But I have to admit that religion jokes are funny as hell.

(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. (B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans (C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. (D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. (E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

You know the person who found out you could get milk from cows....what were they doing?

Hello, the doctor is busy at the moment,however, if you would like to be transfered to another correspondent, please press the number that best fits your personality: -if you are obsessive compulsive, please press "1" repeatedly. -if you are codependant, please ask someone to press "2". -if you have multiple personalitites, please press "3", "4", and "5". -if you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want, just stay on the line so we can trace your call. -if you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the little voice will tell you which number to press. -if you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press, no one will answer.

In the beginning, there was nothing. And the Lord said: 'LET THERE BE LIGHT' and there was still nothing but now you could see it.

If anybody ever tells you you're one in a million, just realize that means there are 100 people just like you in China.

Well, I looked in my mom's closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas: an UltraVibe Pleasure 2000. ~Eric Cartman, Southpark

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana?

When looking for a lost item why do we say "I know it's going to be in the last place I look." Of course it's going to be in the last place you look, who finds something and keeps on looking for it?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

You know that point at your graduation ceremony where everyone throws their caps? Isn't it great that we all celebrate how smart we are by throwing sharp pointy objects in the air.

When the going gets tough, the tough go have a little cry in the corner