Stories of my Life

Histories, ...


All around me in the air an unhappiness perfume is floating, a ugly foreboding that everything happening around will end extremely bad. More often are coming over me blue clouds of sadness that can not be trot away even if the best friends try it. I have started sliding, slowly but sure on a downhill of perish, of psychical falls, that road that leads most often to only one end: death given by self desire.
Everything that I have built in years of work, has crushed like a cards castle and the biggest part of those that I used to consider my friends vanished in the fog of forgiveness. Some of them disappeared in quiet way but leaving behind only the colors of disappointment but the greatest part entered with the boots in my soul and allowed to destroy everything I loved most, meaning the feeling of trust and respect that I have given to them.
Years ago when I was just getting in the world I thought that everything we see is just like that but later I learned that the world we see it’s much different from the smooth we have to circle round ones we have we have left the launching platform and broke every link with the childhood. All the confusion that is around us in these moments can do only two things: to enforce us as fire enforces the steel or lead us to perish, as would vanish and the fire of chimneys. There is a proverb at the Romanian people: what shell not kill a man will make him stronger. I have managed to face the vortexes of the world of the pain from the first moments was harder to take than a life in the tortures of demons.
It’s not easy to get out with empty chest but it’s much harder when, along with total miss of the material protection, and the moment when you break that umbilical cord that links you to the family, your soul is empty and defenseless. Empty in the mean way, the exit in the world crushing any kind of feeling. Defenseless, the cause in this whirling world, didn’t knew how to react even at the tiniest stimulants, being ignorant when it should reject attacks and aggressive when it should just look.
Everything began years ago, when everything I knew about family unity became an amalgam from which you could hardly distinguish something. Everything I knew until then, everything I have been in my imagination crushed in an abyss and I couldn’t recover anything. Until then I used to believe in god and also used to think that he left the family on Earth to consolidate this creation so complex. But everything disappeared in five minutes, when the man I used to call father entered in a cloud of anger, a hurricane created by alcohol it made a wrong step, believing that, if I am his son, he has the right of life and death on me and try to use a knife that was in his way to prove that he is the master of the house. I made than a move that was to fast, thoughtless, and instead of putting him down I used a calculated hit to make him sleep.
And those moments that I’ve seen That the family unit it’s more relative than the energies of universe. If those around him shoot of understand my panic or not, that is something that I cannot judge, but from understanding to accuse me of his behavior it’s a long way. We were all sufferings because of him but I never thought that just a person’s but suffer more will protect him and those moments. In the minute I saw there reaction I realized that living next to an aggressive person will make you as bad as he is.
In that night I promised to leave the house and never come back. And this way I made my exit in the outside world. Totally unprepared, with my soul Empty of any feeling but with a huge wall around it. What I have been done until then: nights lost in drunk and with trustless friends, parties with women with a dubious morality, money lost and won on gamble tables, nothing prepared me for what I have done. Everything was too short and that confusion was close to lose me. But then the moment I made my first step in the world somebody gave me a hand.
It was something unexpected, same as the big bang of the universe. I have been seeing until then only friendly faces around my and when I reached the troubles everybody left leg they didn’t know me. But that hand came from unknown spaces and supported me before I felt down. She expected to know and trust her, and that showed me step by step how you can juggle with human feelings, how you can manipulate people to make your pass through the world much easier and much safer. But she gave me from the beginning some warning signals through whom she showed me that, if the world it’s evil and pervert, she is much more. She warned me that I should distinguish on my own the moment I should trust her or not, and made a good thing. Because step by step I’ve started seeing under her mask much valuable feelings and more beautiful. I asked her why is she hiding them and she answered me simple but superior: ” you as a pupil can see them, you have your own but these are those that you have to learn to hid and protect from those around you. You have to learn to protect yourself! ”
I haven’t realized what she was saying. More exactly I haven’t realized how real it was. Another old proverb says:” not everything that flies it is eatable” I wasn’t thinking like that and I could’ve realized that, even if men considered themselves superiors women make the world go around. Never thought that, using they’re weapons, so hard to see, a woman can destroy or raise a man. But that I was going to find out later on my own experience.
What the time I spend with her she should me how to distinguish on the sky of life clouds of the hurricane from those who make only shadows, safe environments from those that only look to be. In all this time I wasn’t afraid of anything and anyone can I learned how old one is able to create pink clouds in your heart were how she can start the most amazing battles between feelings. I found out that trying to know a woman means to open the box of Pandora, only that at the end you won’t see at the bottom of the box that’s more bird called “Hope”. When you try to open a woman’s hart you must make yourself ready and only for disaster, because once she was defeated, a woman will pull you down after her. There is no hope that you will save yourself and let her fall, with an empty and crushed heart.
I was going to experiment of this on my own person. I have tried to see what’s in a woman’s soul, one that was almost most innocent but when she showed me the secrets of her heart it was too late. I was too attached and breaking the relation gave me more pain than I was expecting. The one that used to be my teacher warned me again that trying this in any way will end up like this.
And I stopped doing experiments like that. But I started discovering more and more the instability of woman. Autumn weather is stable, seas winds and waves have one direction of the whale of a woman is like a hurricane. Circles around fix point and won’t give up and until it reaches that.
Woman is an infinite fountain of misters, whims and proud. Only a few realize what means for a woman the verb “to love”. And from those who know it the biggest part won’t give the necessary importance to her feelings. And that means that they don’t care about a fire that burns next to the chimney and not inside.
I have seen an offer from this type getting burned in this kind of games with open fire. And many of them didn’t recover after that and they are not completely recovered today. I didn’t write this type of games because it makes me be afraid, of frayed of the danger that they represent. Only the fact that you can touch the eye of the hurricane without being thrown away by the wings from the next side can give you the same fear, but even then you know that you can get the best anchorage methods. But when it’s about a woman’s feelings no anchor will keep you on stable positions because there is no such thing. No one can resist In front of the force with which, the woman’s feelings, on the rampage, destroy everything in front, because nobody found the method to control it.
Sometimes I stand and think, I wonder if somewhere and this hard world is there a man that knows what women want. There are many who affirm they know but their knowledge is like a grain in a wheat field. I wonder sometimes if that god, in which are used to believe when I was little and stupid, knows, in the immensity they say he owns, what women really want in this world.
I have tried years to realize what they really want and what man can offer them but I have reached the conclusion that I think it shouldn’t be told too often and to many because they won’t believe that: women always ask only what they are not offered. They will never ask more than that. To try to please a woman means to try to fill the Dead Sea using a cup of tea.
When you hear somebody saying that his partner is pleased with what she has, you have only two reasons: or he is that stupid and full and believes what he says either his partner is anything else but not a woman.
I have tried for two years and a half, officially, to make a woman be pleased but I have seen in the end that it doesn’t matter how pervert or clever you are, how big is your life experience because something like that is practically impossible. And if your situation goes worse during the relationship everything becomes fiction. In my case situation became worst, in the first year of marriage. So my mission to please the woman I was living next became a dream.
The worst part is that if you can’t please your partner, and that’s impossible, she will try to look for happiness in some other part. And nothing gives you more been but this: to see that what your attempts are foiled why the person that should be glad of them.
You will see sometimes women that give you the impression they know what they want, but it’s only an impression because of them necessities increase once the offer becomes bigger. Give them more And they will cost for everything. Woman’s wish … … … just like a nebulous in the universe which absorbs all the substance around, continuous and looks that it will never have enough, until one day when the nebulous becomes a planet. This way It’s for a women, only that the them that situation is reached only when they end there ephemeral existence from this world the role of universe is given to the men around her, those that tried with all their powers to feed her appetite, to face her necessities.
It would be more to write about them, those that make us, men, life like an oscillating curve that when hell and haven, but when the infinite of pain and the limits of happiness, but I will stop here to avoid to create the impression, for a part of us, that women were created on this world only to destroy a previous creation, the man. Women represent, at last, for us, at last, good and bad, plus and minus infinite and we end up our life reaching one conclusion: us for them and them for us, we represent and they represent a bad thing, but an ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY bad, which makes possible: the small joys and big troubles on earth.

L3v|atan
11 / 08 / 2007
06:40 am

Sentimente .....
Sentimente umane … oare cati dintre noi poseda adevarate sentimente si nu limitari si copii ale lor. Auzi pe toate drumurile “Te iubesc” dar oare cati dintre cei ce spun asta simt cu adevarat sentimentul de dragoste?
Pentru noi, oamenii acest sentiment este aproape imposibil de atins si in cele mai multe cazuri, cei ce s-au apropiat prea tare de de limitele iubirii au sfarsit in bratele negre ale lui Thanatos. Si asta numai pentru ca dragostea adevarata aduce cu ea si chinuri sufletesti, framantari ale mintii care duc intai care duc intai catre caderi usoare si din ce in ce m ai grave apoi, pana se ajunge la moartea ata de propria mana.
Dragostea se pare ca a fost creata de Dumnezeu doar pentru armatele lui de ingeri, cei muritori cazand pe rand in fata ei. Sunt atatea cazuri in istoria umanitatii cand, din prea multa dragoste, s-a ajuns la sinucidere sau mai rau la crima. Noi, oamenii de rand, ne prefacem doar ca iubim, caci daca ar fi sa caercetam mai atent haul sufletului nostru ne-am da seama ca nu este dragoste adevarata, ci numai o imitatie a sentimentului.
Si tot astfel auzim in jur cuvinte gen „Te urasc”. Oare cine e capabil de ura neimpacata? Caci ura au lasat-o demonii pe pamant dar nu in limite pe care sa le poata suporta omul ci in limite pe care doar ei le pot explora in lupta lor impotriva binelui. Cei care au ajuns sa se apropie de adevarata ura au sfarsit incet, incet prin a o transforma in obsesie si mai apoi au incheiat socotelile cu viata in case de nebuni, bantuiti de obsesia razbunarii.
Ura adevarata nu cred ca ar putea simti vreun om caci aceasta l-ar distruige pe el mai intai si apoi, pas cu pas, i-ar distruge familia. Poate ca de asta a si fost lasata in toate limitele ei. Pentru ca face mai multe victime asa decat ar face stapanita.
Se spune ca de la dragoste la ura nu e decat un pas. Cata minciuna in aceste cuvinte. Ceea ce numim noi dragoste, cei ce au murit din cauza ei ar numi-o amicitie, iar ceea ce se vede ca fiind ura ar putea fi numita de cei ce au simtit adevaratul sentiment ca antipatie. Iar de la amicitie la antipatie e cale destul de lunga, un drum sinuos si cu multe opriri, ce trece inatai prin indiferenta. Si acele opriri sunt de fapt iertarile pe care le poate face un om din pricina a ceea ce numeste el dragoste.
Iertam uneori fapte pe care i alte conditii le-am pedepsi extrem de aspru. Aceasta dragoste ne poate face uneori sa inchiem ochii si sa ne prefacem ca nu vedem lucruri extrem de evidente pentru cei din jur. De aici si imaginea noastra in fata celor din jur de marionete in mainile partenerului de viata. Putini sunt cei ce sunt in stare sa treaca peste orice sentiment si sa pedepseasca orice tip de abatere de la regulile impuse de societate. Si mai putini sunt cei ce potsa pastreze astfel de hotarari si sa nu mai priveasca inapoi, petru ca cei mai multi isi calca mandria in picioare si iarta crezand ca fapta nu se va mai repeta. Dar de cele mai multe ori se repeta si asta nu numai o data.
Si poate ca dragostea si ura sunt cele mai importante sentimente din lume. Ele leaga si desfac familii si comunitati, inalta sau doboara oameni, pot da nastere la viata sau o pot suprima. Dar cu toate acestea, nu sunt cele mai intalnite. Un om nu poate iubi mai mult de una sau doua persoane, iubiita sau mama, si nici nu poate ura mai mult de acelasi numar. Pentru restul exista altfel de sentimente, derivate din cele doua mari si care sunt mult mai inalnite.
Unul dintre ele este prietenia, un sentiment placut, ce da iluzia de confort si siguranta, noi gandind ca avand cat mai multi in jurul nostru, la caz de nevoie vom avea la cine sa apelam. Si cat de mult ne inselam. Pentru ca atunci cand dispare binele, o data cu el dispar si prietenii nostri si nu vor ramane in jurul nostru decat poate 10 procente, un numar de oameni pe care ii vom pute numara pe degetele unei singure maini. Abia atunci vom vedea care sunt prietenii adevarati si acel sentiment de siguranta va disparea.
Un alt sentiment intalnit des este amicitia, simpatia, chiar mai des decat prietenia, dar suntem cu totii constienti ca cei ce ne sunt amici nu sunt oameni pe care sa ne putem baza, ci simpli parteneri de distractie, persoane care ne fac sa ne simtim bine si se rezuma la atat.


This page is still in progress. The story will continue later Everything will be translated in english as soon as posible, that means first time I`ll be availlable