Lizz: I do NOT like Tucker. Nope nope nope.
Inner Lizz: You're in denial.
Lizz: Denial is a river in Egypt!

---

"There's a fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think I walk that line every day of my life."
-Private Church

---

Tucker: So, Caboose, what do you want form Santa this christmas?
Caboose: I wanna pony.
Church: Lemme tell you something about Santa....(whispers to Caboose)
Caboose: No....No...NOOOOOOOOO!!!!(runs away)
Church: HEY! You want a pony, right?! All you have to do is stick it down your throat and you;'ll be alittle hoarse!

---

HOLY FUCKING GOD, MAN!!!!
-Lizz

---

Caboose: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
Church: Did you just call my girlfriend a cow?
Tucker: No, I think he called her a slut.

---

Caboose: I knew it... we're all gonna die...
[aims gun at the back of Tucker's head]
O'Malley: ...starting with you!

---

Sheila: All targets eliminated. Acquiring new target.
Church: Hey Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And he brought the tank out to scare off the Reds.
Tucker: What? No way!
Church: Hey rookie, good job man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?
Sheila: New target acquired.
Caboose: That's not a target. That's Church.
Church: Yeah, that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on, man!
Sheila: Target locked.
Caboose: What? No. Target unlock. Unlock! Please help me nice lady.
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
Caboose: Uh oh...
Tucker: Uh oh...
Church: What? Oh, son of a bi...
[Sheila fires on Church]
Tucker: Holy fuck! Church, are you okay? Talk to me, Church!
[to Caboose:]
Tucker: You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!

---

Tex: Tell you what, I'll go 50/50. You keep the emancipation, and I'll keep the sword.
Andy The Bomb: Deal.
Tucker: What do I get?
Tex: You get to live... but no guarantees.
Tucker: That's not a reward for me, that's a reward for all the fine ladies in the universe.
Tex: I'm a woman, and somehow, I don't feel any luckier.
Tucker: I said fine ladies.
Andy The Bomb: What do you want Caboose?
Caboose: I want a pony.

---

Church: Man, it is really great to see you guys.
Tucker: You seem like you're in a good mood.
Church: I learned a very valuable lesson in my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem...
Caboose: They could be worse.
Church: Nope. No matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer bitching.
Caboose: Where have you been?
Church: You want the long version or the short version?
Caboose: I will take the easy version please.
Tucker: Oh, I wanna hear the long version. But, can you tell me in three parts?

---

Church: [watching red team through a sniper scope] Okay, so the red guy is Sarge, their leader, which is lucky for us, because he's not a very good leader.
Simmons: Yeah.
Church: And that's Donut. I like Donut. He's pretty harmless, I don't think he'd hurt a fly.
Simmons: Plus he's kinda...
Church: What?
Simmons: Well... y' know...
Church: Actually, I don't know.
Simmons: Well, he's kinda into girly things. Like, feelings, and...
Church: I think you're projecting.
Simmons: I'm not projecting, I'm just stating an observation.
Church: I don't know. You seem pretty defensive for someone who's "not projecting".
Simmons: His armour is PINK.
Church: Pink? I wouldn't say pink. More of a... slightly less red.
Simmons: It's pink, okay? I know pink when I see it!
Church: I'm sure you do! You wanna talk about it?
Simmons: NO.
Church: And last is Grif. He's really lazy, and really annoying. But at least he's smart. I think he's smarter than anyone, really.
Simmons: You mean smarter than all the people there are now, right?
Church: No, I mean all of them put together! There was this one guy, in maroon armour, I haven't seen him in a while, but he was a frickin' KNOW IT ALL! He walked around like he owned the place, but no one listened to him, and they didn't really like him.
Simmons: What did they say?
Church: Oh, just that he wasn't good at stuff, and he was dumb, and stuff he liked was dumb, and he wasn't as attractive as other people.
Simmons: [trying not to cry]
[-sniff-]
Simmons: Sounds like a real jerk!
[runs off]
Church: Hey, where are you going?
Simmons: [Sobbing Rain] I have to go to the bathroom!
Church: Well, could you hurry it up? I need to finish orientation before you have to make me dinner!

---

What the hell is this shit? You think I’m some amateur or something? Screw you, fuckwad!
-Marcelli

---

Tex: Alright, everybody get behind me and stay tight!
Tucker:Bow chicka bow wow!
Tex: ...nevermind.

---

Who knew being bad felt so good?
-Unknown

---

[After Caboose and Sheila accidentally shoot Church]
Church: Tucker, there's something I need to tell you.
Tucker: What is it?
Church: I just wanted you to know: I always hated you. I always hated you the most.
Tucker: Yeah, I know. Now hurry up and die you prick.
Church: Okay. Herrkkk... blaahh.

---

Tucker's Having MY Baby.