Terry Pratchett Written Entries

1. The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All; or, The Hedgehog Song
by [little flag]

My version of Nanny Ogg's famous drinking tune. Consider the topic: beware innuendoes. I did try to keep it down.

Chorus:

In spring all the animals do find time for love
The beasts down below and the birds up above
But one's celibate habits do many appall
Oh the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Verses:

Our friend the hedgehog is a little bit odd
Though not quite so much as a monkey or cod
But even these laugh at his prickely downfall
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all

It's madness, it's madness, the girls do declare
It cannot be right! It's not even fair!
But don't try to force him, he'll run from your call
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all

The hedgehog is that most ridiculous creature
(Including the platypus and boa constrictor)
You can't tempt him with beer, or even a meatball
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all

If somehow you corner his prickely form
Don't ever expect him to change from his norm
He'll always run and he'll find ways to stall,
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all

Turn your attentions to a more willing place
The hedgehog would only prickle your face
It cannot be done, though you'd have a ball
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all

I know what you're thinking, could it even work?
You'd start with a prick and end with a jerk
The hedgehog's best used thrown hard in a brawl
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all

Now there's some people born unto fame
And some people choose to chase dames
But that's not in his plans, before it he palls,
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all

If you seek advice from a wise ancient master
Be prepared for his plentiful and raucous laughter
And when he stops laughing, then he'll only drawl,
Why the hedgehog can never be buggered at all

Just when you think you've seen all you can
There's no further novelty in all of the land
You discover this creature's singular shortfall:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all

Now buggering's easy, as anyone knows,
'Specially for creatures who go without clothes
Except for the hedgehog, that prickly oddball
That hedgehog can never be buggered at all

You'd think everyone knows it, it's easy to see
A fact just as plain as as plain as can be
But listen in closely, hear the un-knowers squall!
Finding out hedgehogs don't bugger at all

It won't happen on mountains in valleys or lakes
In deserts or forests or for anyone's sake
Not in houses or pubs or even the mall
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all

He's proud of his place, he likes his position
Change him you won't, despite requisition
Too high on his pedestal ever too fall
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all

The dear friendly hedgehog might strike you as strange
'Specially when you see the grin on his face
As he refuses to answer the spring lover's call
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all

It's hopeless, it's doomed, but rather numerical
The math says it's impossible, even hysterical
You simply can't do it, so mind you recall,
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all

Now some buggers who bugger think that they're grand
They say bugger the buggers who won't bugger as planned!
But the hedgehog is different, his grin reveals all
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all

Some buggering buggers try bugging the 'hog
And failing go off in a huff from his log
Still they will return, each one and each all,
Though the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Now here our verses are drawn to an end
And if you know better then please don't pretend
But go out and warn them friends, neighbors and all:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all

Conclusion:

In spring all the animals do find time for love
The beasts down below and the birds up above
But one's celibate habits do many appall
Oh the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

You simply can't do it, so mind you recall,
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
Oh his celibate habits do many appall,
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Buggered at all, buggered at all,
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

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