Dusk had begun to set when the flicker of the fire glinted off something a few paces behind Roland. Shane was trying to explain a Matrix reference he had made to Jaqi when she noticed the glint of something and the shape behind Roland. "I... don't want to interrupt but..." She pointed. "Is that what I think it is?"
Several yards behind Roland stood another door. Six feet high, nearly three abreast with runes of the High Speech marked across the top. "The Working Man" they read, though only Jaqi and Roland could read them. It loomed there, promising Roland another companion or at least another trip into some strange land. Maybe the man he found there wouldn't suffer incompetence. Someone he didn't have to suckle on his tit like Jaqi and Shane.
Jaqi tried to get Roland to wait for the next day, but there was too much daylight to waste just sitting and doing nothing. He left them with very few instructions. There were two. Don't follow and don't let the door close. The plan was to get ammunition and weapons while he drew the Working Man. so he took a roll of Jaqi's bills and one each of the shells they had. His and one of Jaqi's .357's. In typical Shane fashion he told Roland that if he ran across a Les Baer. 45 Silverballer (whatever that was) to pick one up for him. Two because they were small. Both Jaqi and Roland figured that was a joke of some kind and mostly ignored it. Jaqi seemed fascinated with the prospect of video games being played on a television that weren't something like Pong. It was while she was engaged in conversation with Shane that Roland shook his head and spilled through the door.
Shane watched Jaqi's face sunk into intense worry. He frowned and looked away. There was some jealousy there. He'd trailed off, and didnt pick back up. He'd forgotten what he was going to say, anyway. He was under a couole blankets, even though he was hot. He didnt want Jaqi to see him shake.
Jaqi went to Roland and though she hesitated briefly, she configured him into a more comfortable position. He just dropped like a sack of potatoes every time. She stretched him out and propped one of his knees against the door to keep it from closing. When she was done she came back to the fire. "You were saying?"
"Something about videogames coming full circle because fucking wii tennis being the best selling game last year." He sniffled and cleared his throat loudly. His teeth had chattered when he finished that last sentance and he didnt want to scare her. There was still bile in his throat from earlier, anyway.
"Are you cold?" She asked, not knowing what wii tennis was. "I can build up the fire. You hardly touched her fish. He didn't have to worry about scaring her she was already a bit on edge considering their lord and protector was gone and she'd watched Shane steadily decrease as the afternoon wore on.
"No, I'm not cold," Shane said morosely as his shoulders twitched some. "Its the withdrawal." Even in the firelight, his face looked too red, and sweat beaded on his brow and jaw.
"Is there anything I can do to help?" She asked, looking tense.
"Uhhh..." he thought about it, "not really. Well, you can distract me. That helps." He looked miserable but his voice was surprisingly calm and stoic about it.
"Any suggestions?" She asked. She sat on her bottom finally, her legs crossed, but she was close, in case he needed her.
"Don't ask me open ended questions, babe." He said with a reassuring laugh. "If I wasnt sick, I'd suggest something inappropriate.
." he grinned at her. He was hunched over, sitting crosslegged with the thicker blanket around him. He was well enough to laugh, but he hadnt bothered getting his bangs out of his face for a while. They were plastered to his forehead and over one eye.
"You want to try and explain the Matrix to me again?" She asked. "I like learning about the future." he wanted to push his hair out of his eyes, but that required touching him of her own free will.
"Well, the Matrix is just a movie." He said, then cleared his throat again so he could speak more clearly. His voice was pretty hoarse. "But its based on the idea that life is not only an illusion, but a computer simulation... so, ts like if pong was so advanced that instead of a 2 dimensional tennis court, it was a three dimensional world, where everything looks real. Theyre doing a pretty good job of making video games look real now. I mean not perfect, but they get closer every year. Anyway..." he shifted in his spot a little, and smiled at her before continuing. He usually looked down when talking, but at her when she spoke.
"So everyone's mind is hooked up to a machine through cables in their brain, so all they perceive is the computer world. Aaand, in the movie, there are people who arent hooked up to the matrix. They live in the real world. But sometimes they plug themselves into the Matrix and look for people who want to be freed from the computer world..."
"Sounds complicated." She said. "Why would everyone want to live in a computer world instead of the real world? How do they eat and... do other stuff."
"Oh, ummn shit you didnt get to see 'Terminator' either. I have to explain more now." He giggled and looked at her again. He was glad she couldnt see him blush. He liked her attention. I mean she was a kid, yes. But about eighty times hotter than his prettiest girlfriend
"So in real life, not the movie, but real life, in the 80s, computers start to get advanced enough that people can own them. You know, having them for personal use. Mostly as glorified type writers. They couldnt do much yet, but they were awesome andmysterious. And they started to get better and faster very rapidly as IBM, Microsoft, and Apple, the three big computer manufacturers competed with each other. So people got this idea that one day, computers would be smarter than us people.Well, they mostly are, at least with calculations. But people thought computers would become self aware. They would be aware that they are alive and start to make their own choices instead of doing what we tell them."
"So like what happened in West World when the program went nuts and the cowboy went around killing everyone?" She asked, sounding interested and rather happy she had something similar to contribute.
"Was that Twilight Zone?" He looked at her. "Fuck me, someone award me a medal for getting that referrence!" He clenched his fists in celebration. "And if it was Outer Limits, dont tell me. Just let me have my pride, will you?" He whined at her, still grinning with his big, cerulean blue eyes.
"It was a movie staring Yuel Brenner..." She said, smiling because he got it wrong twice and like most girls she had to rub his nose in it. "1973."
"Oh hell." He said. "And that douche died when I was what, 3?" He laughed again, showing teeth, which were mostly straight, save a canine on the right side turned sideways. "Oh dear god, that reminds me, you're born in 1961. Oh man, you'd be old enough to be my mom!"
"I was born in 1963..." She said. "You can't keep that straight can you? Or do you just wish I was eighteen instead of fifteen?"
"Oh, dammit," he said, but gave her his sly grin. "Im terrible with math. English, writing, language. Thats my strong suits. And history, too." He wished he wasnt so sick. They were starting to get a conversational chemistry together. He might have made it back into her blanket. Not sex, but he was as fond of cuddling as a straight male could be.
"Math and I don't get along." She said. "But I guess I'm alright at everything else... Don't guess I'll need any of that now though. No one gives a crap who the founding fathers were in this place." She looked at the forest around them, using it as an excuse to look toward the door and Roland. He seemed alright for now.
"Now thats a girl after my own heart. Arthur Eld, first president of Fucklandia here, thats all you need to know." He was worried she wasn't laughing with him. He pushed his hot hair out of his face. "You ok?" He asked, looking concerned.
She smiled when he said, 'Fucklandia'. "I'm ok..." She said. "Just... well you know me and men... I kinda freaked the fuck out this morning. This Working Man guy has me a little... you know." She drew her knees up and started hugging them again. By now he should know she did it when she was uncomfortable.
"If its any consolation," he said, after raising lips, biting his tongue and wincing, "I slept really really good. And I didnt try anything I just... never sleep well." He pursed his lips and looked away, nodding his head, feeling awkward.
Her expression softened and she sort of smiled, but her lips were closed and it was just enough to perk that single dimple in her left cheek. "I'm glad I could help..." She said. "And thanks..." She placed her head between her knees. "Is it because of the drugs?" She asked. "Is that why you don't sleep?"
"Ive not been able to sleep without them. The booze is a dumb habit Ive kicked twice and let it come back. Together those things are supposed to kill you, so I'd alternate days, thinking I was clever. But... uh... so you dont have to ask," he looked at his lap. "I do drugs because my parents hate me, and first ex broke my heart. The replacement girl apparently wasn't enough to get me to stop, so she broke the rest of it and left too." He put his hands in his face and groaned in pain. "Uggggh I shouldn't have even brought it up and you didnt asssk," he groaned.
"We all have reasons why we do things." She said, still hugging her knees. "Him?" She asked, nodding her head towards the Gunslinger on the ground. "Who the hell knows." She smiled, hoping to make him smile too. If the subject bothered them she didn't want to talk about it. Roland was something they could both poke a little fun at.
"I dunno. I... Im really passive to this "tower" thing. I mean, I was gonna die like this. This is better. I dont care." He closed his eyes and set his forehead on his blanketed forearm. He popped his head back up a moment later and looked at Jaqi again. "You're good company though..."
She smiled a more genuine smile that time. "You're not so bad yourself..." He was sweet and she found herself wishing he was younger. "How old are you again?"
He sighed loudly, very loudly. "Twenty-two," he mumbled, looking embarassed.
Seven years... She didn't like that number. "I guess that makes me... twenty four years older than you then." She smiled and chewed her bottom lip a little. She knew it didn't work that way, but it helped to lie to herself that it was ok to like someone so much older.
He stared at her with just his eyes above the blanket for a lengthly moment. Then it looked like he was shaking. But he popped his head up and he was just laughing but trying to hifmde it. He was smiling really wide now. He hadnt known what exactly she had been getting at until she chewed her lip and blushed.
"You're... really cool, Jaqi. I wish I new more people like you." He felt like that was a clumsy compliment, but even though he was afraid of her not liking him, he could tell she did despite his stupid anxieties. So he was showing both his dimples. He looked away, but in a shy, coy way. He licked his lips.
"You're good at distracting, too."
Her blushed deepened at his compliment and between the two of them there were three visible dimples. She lowered her head till her nose was between her knees, trying to hide her blush. "So... there's not a Mrs. Shane Whatshislastname is there?" She asked. At twenty two surely he was married or at least engaged. "Or do guys not wear wedding rings in the future?" He'd mentioned an ex or two, she just wanted to be sure there wasn't anyone to consider if she did let herself like him more than she should. Even if there was she didn't think there was anything wrong with spending time with him... Only a girl could accidentally fall in love spending time with a boy.
"Jesus Christ!" He physically recoiled, falling back from hunched over to sitting up and coughing. Before she could think something happened behind her, he waved his hands and swallowed.
"Holy shit no, why would I be married? Who would marry me?" He sputtered and coughed one more time. There was no hope of getting the itch from his throat. He'd thrown up too much that morning. "It's just Williams" he said, sounding less croaky, and grinned for her benefit. He'd seen the worry in her eyes. "Im okay, throat itches is all. And wedding rings are still the norm for the married." He reached for the water skin and drank some of the leatherfunk water and plugged it back.
"So uh..." he looked embarrassed again. "I think I should lie down for a bit but...." he flapped his blanket with his elbows as he leaned forward again, "I have your good blanket here... and its gonna get colder tonight... wanna share again?" He winked, and prepared for her to get angry.
When he recoiled she thought he was about to go into convulsions or something. When that didn't happen, she was glad. She was also glad that there was no Mrs. Williams back at home in 2009.
She was probably an idiot for thinking a twenty two year old man would have anything to do with a fifteen year old girl. Guys his age liked girls with boobs and asses and she so far only had boobs. Or so she thought. The faded jeans she was wearing quite well amplified a particularly full looking little apple bottom that she refused to believe existed. Still, guys his age, men, liked girls with experience and all the experience she had was in laying still and trying not to cry while Rick fucked her. She thanked God every day for that bastard being impotent.
As for Shane's suggestion that they share, she looked terrified. "Um..." She picked at the worn spot in the knee of her jeans. "I have my peacoat." She said, not looking at him. "I can wear that... and my leggings for insulation. He's-" She tilted her head with a little jab towards the Gunslinger. "Probably gonna be gone all night. I can steal his bedding... I'll be ok." He could see by her expression that she didn't like turning him down. It embarrassed her and that he knew why was even worse. She never should have told him about Rick. She could have just made some joke like, 'You wish, buddy.' and changed the subject. Now things felt awkward between them again, like she'd taken her clothes off and expected him not to notice.
He listened to her quietly. "Ok. You take the other blankets too, all right?" His tone wss forgiving and not at all upset. He had hoped she'd say yes though. It was all right. He probably didnt smell his best because of the sweat.
"You need them." She said. "I'll be fine." She was thankful that she didn't see him judging her in his eyes. She had to break this awkwardness between them. "So um... who's president in 2009?"
"Lopenzo Gomez, the first Mexican American president. Really just the first not-"old, white, rich ballsack."" He laughed. "Guy was only 38 too. Knew how to talk to the younger generation."
Shane stretched out on his non-wounded side, wrapped up and commenced to shivvering.
"Really?" She asked. "I wouldn't think we'd vote in a Mexican... but I guess things have changed a lot." She saw him begin to shiver as he laid over on his side. "Are you sure there isn't anything I can do?" She looked as if she'd relaxed a little, but she was worried. "I have asprin..."
"I'm ok," he said quietly. He was facing her but he had his eyes shut again. His face had paled out and didnt look flush anymore. His hair was over his eyes again. He was being modest because he felt bad about asking to cuddle with her.
She sat there, hugging her knees, watching him. She chewed her lip a little. Her will was greater than her fear... that's what Roland had said. Slowly she began to move and with his eyes closed, he felt her shifting in front of him. A moment later, she laid down with her back to him. She curled her arm under her head. His would have made a better pillow but she didn't say anything. Her heart was pounding and her stomach was in knots, but she gave him what he wanted. A little spoon to his big spoon.
"Oh, hi there," he said weakly, but happily. He was cocooned under her heavy canvas blanket, which was currently a barrier between them. He lifted it up, scooted closer and tossed it over her. He didnt rush to making physical contact, not yet.
She stiffened completely when she felt him move and there was a light squeak in the back of her throat as she felt the blanket cover her. She squeezed her eyes shut, expecting to feel him scoot up against her, but he didn't. It surprised her, but all she had to say was, "Hi..."
"Was very sweet of you to change your mind," he mumbled. "Didnt mean to scare you..." he held pretty still for now. No sudden moves, or the doe would bolt.
"Ev... everything scares me..." She admitted. "But... you're not going to hurt me..." It sounded almost like a question than a statement.
"I confess," he said, "I wanted to hold you again," he said. "You're very comfortable.." he was talking quietly, still holding still, surprised she had her back to him, and close enough for him to loop an arm around her waist and pull her close.
She tried to make light of the situation by saying, "I'm old enough to be your mother..." She was terrified, but he could sense her relaxing a bit.
He chuckled, it was calm and quiet. "So I'm not so bad?" He asked in a childish, funny voice. He was intrigued by the way she faced away. Was she trying to be brave and push her limits? He thought so. He admired her greatly for it.
"Maybe not...." She said softly. Her back was to him because she couldn't face him. She didn't want him to see her expression if he did something harmless that frightened her. If she was going to lay here she didn't want him to see every little flinch, or the terror in her eyes. She was ok for now. This wasn't so bad and aside from that slight scent of alcohol laced sweat, it was nice.
"So..." he murrmurred in his soft, baritone voice, "If I put an arm around your stomach, is that okay?" He asked, scootching just an inch closer.
She thought about it. That he asked meant a great deal to her. "Yeah..." She said. "It's ok..." She could feel her heart beating in her throat and she could feel his knees behind hers now that he had scooted up.
He put his palm over her stomach slowly, fingers spread out and scooched a tad closer. Her shoulder blades were against his chest and his knees against the backs of hers.
"Better?" He asked. His palm remained there on her stomach, yet it didnt grope around.
<Hr>
Her eyes were squeezed tight and she began breathing in soft quick breaths. She didn't say anything, trying to overcome the panic that made her want to shoot out of this blanket and huddle behind the door where Roland lay.
Shane was about to just drift off, but he felt her stomach start to contract rapidly. She was scared... it made him feel guilty fort aking advantage of her separation anxiety.
"Hey, Im supposed to be the one shivvering, Jax... I'll move back..." he said gently and took his hand off her and started to shift back to where he was, still under the blanket tho.
She caught his wrist and shoo her head. "No... don't I..." She scooted back against him, flush. Her back was against his chest, her bottom against his groin. "I have to get over it..." Her voice wavered as she spoke. "I have to stop being such a chicken..."
The contact was surprising and exciting. He tensed just for a second, then was relaxed and calm. "You know you best," he replied softly. He felt a bit encouraged, let his arm curve a bit farther around her belly and held her a bit tighter.
Her hand tightened on his wrist and she turned her face against her arm. There were tears in her eyes, but she wasn't sobbing. He could feel her trembling, feel her breath shuddering out of her. She was terrified, but her will was stronger than her fear if she could lay here and endure such... intimate contact.
"Hey Jaqi..." he said quietly, with that nice, bassy and slightly sexy murrmurr he had, "I'm glad you like me enough to let me help you." Her hair smelled like currants and hazelnut. Her butt felt nice, and her flat stomach even nicer. The top of her head was level with his lips. "If there's something I can do, you know, to make this less stressful, more nice...maybe. Just tell me." He hadnt shaken himself in a few minutes. "I'll hold still til then."
"It's ok..." She said, seeming to still a little now that he was speaking. "I... I'll be ok... Talk... talking helps.."
Shane gave her tummy a little squeeze. "Well, in the Matrix, there isnt really laws of physics. Its just a computer program that behaves like the real world. So when the heroes go back into the matrix, they can treat it like a game and not a real place, except they have to avoid getting killed. So they just trickthe matrix into beaming them in there with guns and armor and its like they have superpowers, cuz they know its not reall.." he went on and on in a soft, almost loving voice, just occasionally stroking her stomach.
She began to steadily relax as he spoke. It took a while and he was just explaining how the third film was crap compared to the rest. How Neo was destined to repeat his quest again and again till he got it right. She interrupted him. "Shane... I think... I think I want to roll over..."
"Sure, sure, by all means. He released her and scooted back, feeling much better with her under the covers with him. He felt her warmth all over him. It was wonderful to hold someone again.
She rolled over carefully, trying not to skew the blanket or panic herself. She snuggled down beside him, facing him and seemed to have a hard time meeting his eyes. Her shifting ended in her resting her head on his arm. "Thanks..."
He moved a big curly mass of her hair away from her face and let his arm go around her back. He liked having her rest there.
"Call me a perv if you want but you are just heart breakingly cute, Jaqi." He said with a shy smirk at the end. He tried to keep still, as well. He almost had this doe eating out of his hand.
She didn't look at him, but her cheeks blushed. "Don't be mean, Shane..." She said, shying tighter into a ball, trying to hide her face rather than look at him.
He just hugged her a little tighter. "Im not being mean. Or do you mean 'stop flirting, I'm being shy!'" He mocked her with a cute but silly parody of her Appalachian accent.
"Stop it..." She said, sounding serious and hurt. Her voice took a little hard edge as she refused to look at him. "I'm not pretty and I'm not cute... Rick used to say shit like that before he hit me to get his dick hard..."
"Ok, then, I know what to say." He had a confident grin on his face. She hadnt pushed him away yet . He continued in that cute voice of hers. "Ahm brave, ahm thoughtful, ahm tough, ahm baddass and ahm gonna knee Shane in hiss groin if he doesn't shut teh fuck up!" He giggled.
She finally looked at him. "You're making fun of me..." She looked both wounded and angry. She didn't like being made fun of.
"Jaqi, I am teasing you. That means I like you. There is a very important difference." He smiled but felt bad for her. "I'm telling you youre awesome in a dumb way because Im too coward to just say it. See?" He was afraid to move. The doe was looking to bolt now.
He was a buffoon... She wanted to forgive him but didn't know how. She said the only thing she could think of. "But I'm old enough to be your mother..."
"And beautiful enough for it not to matter." He closed his eyes and put a light kiss on her lips and held it there for a moment, seeing if she'd attack, or run, or something else.
He found her lips soft and warm, but stunned. She almost didn't realize what he was doing for a moment, but with clarity came something that surprised her as much as it probably did him. She closed her eyes and he felt her lips firm against his as she returned his kiss.
He always thought of himself as a good, tactful kisser. Her lips were silken and so smooth. He pushed his lips together once with hers and pulled back, making her lips make that satisfying 'click' noise when he pulled back. His big blue eyes gave her a look that kinda said "well how about that, sweetcakes?"
She hadn't expected him to part the kiss so soon and when he pulled away he saw the placid almost dreamy expression of a girl who had just had her first kiss. This was not her first. Rick had kissed her all the time, but those were hungry rabid stolen kisses. This was the first kiss she had ever returned and therefor, her first. Her gray eyes opened slowly and the frightened rabbit expression was gone. He had kissed a girl, but shadows of a woman looked back at him.
He leaned back a little to look at her, moving his hand from her back to rest on the curve of her womanly hip. "I could do that again," he met her smokey gaze, "if you want..."
The girl returned when she bit her lip. She swore she could taste him there, a little salt from his sweat. "I think... I think I'd like that..." She said softly. She was no longer trembling and she was relaxed completely beside him.
He gave the curve of her hip a little squeeze and kissed her again. He was smooth, slowly opening his mouth with each slow, steady kiss, letting her follow suit. Then once he had her leaning in some, seeking his warmth, his tongue slipped between her open lips and darted its tip against the tip of her tongue.
She wasn't unskilled, but her lips were a little halting and occasionally clumsy. She just didn't have any experience. She leaned into him and her hand flattened on his chest, feeling his heat and his heart beat. As she gave him her tongue, her's began to beat faster.
The kisses were soft, easy to follow, and he loved her willingness and just slight clumsiness. His tongue kept pressing on hers on every beat, and her tongue came to meet his. Even her tonge was soft and sweet. At this point, he wasnt much deluding himself anymore. She was fifteen, and she was hot, and part of why she was hot was that she was fifteen. But this was Fucklandia, check your rulebook at the door.
Shane's hand slid down her hip, and under her thigh. He encouraged her to put a leg over his hip and come closer. The kises as he tried to shift her leg over him slowed and deepened, becoming simpler, still gentle, but with more of a sexual feel
And that was when he felt her hand firm against his chest. His manipulation of her thigh and the deepening of his kiss sent shivers up her spine and warning bells began going off at the base of her skull. Her breathing began to quicken and the panic began returning. A soft whimper escaped her as her lips grew dumb and lazy. She pushed against him, needing him to stop.
He recognized these signs and promptly let go of her thigh. "Are you ok?" He asked. He was a bit punchdrunk on her kisses, and wished she would say yes. But he was ever aware of the stakes, and his grip on her body loosened completely, reassuring her escape was possible, if deemed appropriate.
She shook her head. "Stop... I can't breath..." But she was breathing rapidly. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." She got up, out of the blanket and didn't stop walking till she was half way to Roland. She realized she was running to him for help and there was squat he could do for her. Shane hadn't tried to hurt her. He'd let her go when she'd asked. She felt hot and cold sweat prickled down her spine. She diverted her course away from the Gunslinger and towards the fire as if she wasn't sure where to go. She fanned herself, trying to rid herself of this stupid panic.
Shane got the blanket off of him and sat upright, but didnt get up.
"If you were trying to get over your phobia, that was a very good start, Jaqi." He gave her a beaming smile, but perhaps even she could see he was enamored and a bit overwhelmed too. "Just uh... get your breath... and uh, I'll stay over here," he said carefully. He blushed and looked down, not sure how to react.
Her stomach clinched as if she wanted to throw up but there was none of that sick nausea from this morning. She snagged one of the water skins and succeeded in half drenching herself as she tried to take a drink. Her Dr. Pepper t-shirt clung to her as she gasped for breath. "I'm ok..." She said, feeling a little better now. "I'm sorry...:
He nodded, looking a tad more serious as the make-out haze wore off. He had been kissing her for a good three or four minutes straight. And it was the hot, real kissing that often didnt come up on any couples first make out session.
"Youre a really good kisser. I can say that, right?" He smirked, but looked nervous that it might be something that guy had said too.
She took another drink and looked at Roland, hoping he was ok wherever he was. "Thanks..." She said. "That was... kinda my first... willing any way..." She put the water down and wiped at the spillage on her shirt. It did no good, but her breasts looked fantastic. She sort of traveled back in his direction, but didn't sit down. "Are you ok?"
"Oh yeah, yeah. You made me feel a lot better. Look!" He held out his hands, and they held still. But even as he smiled, jaqi could see shanes eyes keep drifting downwards. Her boobs really popped in that wet shirt. They were damn big for a 15 year old.
She saw his eyes drift but she was a little nieve and didn't think about her damp top. "Nice..." She said and crouched down, hugging her knees but not sitting. She balanced on her feet. "I am sorry..." She said. "But..." She chewed her lip. "That was nice... I liked it... till I freaked out like a ninny..."
"Well, I told you that was brave." He said, looking up at her. She looked SO much younger when she was nervous and shy. "See, we could have just sat and kissed. But you let me lay down with you, hug you close and kiss you. That's more of a big deal.. " he blushed and smiled and batted his bangs out of his face so he could look down for a second. "I should have suggested a way to do it where you have more control... like, being on top instead... hehehe" he was pretty red by now, evident even to her.
She shook her head, tucking her hair behind her ear. "No, I can't... being on top it..." Her face tightened and he saw tears wanting to emerge. She shook her head again. "No... no..." She said and took a deep breath to steady herself. "One day maybe..." Rick had made her be on top sometimes. It... her participation made it harder to accept. Harder to forget.
She was a goddamn minefield. He winced, not thinking for a damn second that would be one of her triggers.
"Heyy, Heyy, Im sorry. Dont listen to me. Its whatever you want, however you want, only when you want it." Shane looked pained and apoligetic.
"Im really not picky. And you're too..., you know, physically awesome for me to care." If Rick had called Jaqi "physically awesome" Shane was gonna blow his head off with Rolands gun.
"I know, I'm ok..." She said, batting away a tear that had escaped. "Really." She nodded, looking down, trying to gather herself. She gave him a forced smile. "See? I'm ok... and thanks... You're sweet, Shane... I mean it. Thank you..."
"Okay, yeah, thanks. I try." His smile faltered. "Would you rather talk about something?" He asked carefully. "You look pretty upset."
"I'm ok..." She said. "I... I need to get over this some how... When you suggested me being... on top it..." She licked her lip and tucked her hair behind her ear again though it was already tucked back. "Rick sometimes made me... participate..." She seemed to relax a little once that was out. "It's hard to still call it rape when you participate..."
"Im still going to impale his ass with a chainsaw." He looked at her. "I dont think it makes you feel better to talk about Rick. Not to me. I mean, I'd just make you feel ashamed just listening, because you like me... not that I wouldnt listen, its just..." he wiped just a bit of sweat off his brow. "I want you to be happy around me... I dont want you to feel ashamed." He was looking more glum now. He could change expressions pretty quick. Hismind worked through things that fast.
"I'm ashamed when I freak out and feel like I'm gonna throw up..." She told him. "I'm ashamed when a man touches me and I feel violated... I'm ashamed to be called pretty... But I don't feel ashamed when I tell you and see how disgusted you are by what he did to me..." She shrugged. "I don't know what that means... Maybe it's some fucked up version of therapy... I've not told anyone. Roland knows a little because I freaked out when he touched me for the first time too but... I feel like I can talk to you and you judge Rick and not me..."
"Why would I judge you? Im still trying to be... you know, with you... maybe its partly because youre the only female human I know exists here in... whatever this is. But you're also smart and mysterious and cool and from the past and...uh.. insert compliment about your body that guy never used here." He looked at her and held in a giggle. He always wanted to smile around Jaqi now.
She smiled and blushed a little, looking down as she tucked her hair behind her ear. "I've not smiled this much in a long time, Shane..." She looked back up at him, her chin still tilted down. She looked up, through her eyelashes. "I think I could kiss you again... if we stay vertical..." She was still flat footed, hugging her knees, but her eyes were less haunted and his little doe had bolted, but came back into the clearing.
He smiled. "Well, Im over here, Jaxxie," he scooted the blanket over. "It is kinda cold, but was this kiss sitting under the blanket, or on it?" He chuckled as he shook the blanket out some before just putting it in his lap.
"On." She said, "But I can compromise." She came over to his bedding and sat on his left, close enough that her thigh was against his. She took the blanket from his lap and pulled it around behind her, then behind him so he could take the other corner. She sat with her knees up as she usually did when she was nervous, but rather than hugging them, she held the blanket with one hand and tentatively placed her other on his thigh. "How's this?" She asked.
He smiled his "incredulous and impressed" smile, one of the dozen smile varieties he posessed. "That works for me." He ut his hand over hers, flat, no grip, and caressed the edge wigh his thumb for a second, then looked into her big grey eyes. "You're really sweet to me too, you know?" He said softly, in his sexy voice and leaned in very slowly, hoping she'd meet him halfway.
She licked her lips and her heart raced as she came forward. It wasn't the panicky kind of racing though, it was the excited kind. She closed her eyes and met his lips with hers.
Stumble!