The Shadow of Venice

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Page name: The Shadow of Venice [Exported view] [RSS]

2011-11-19 01:53:31

Last author: ~Valkyrie~
Owner: ~Valkyrie~

# of watchers: 3

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Here is a poem I wrote about my character from The Birth of Shadow. There are two versions, the first one is the original, the second is after I made a few of the changes suggested by my English teacher (he looked at me like I had given him a piece of his favorite candy when I asked him to go over it for me. It was rather amusing :p).

In the darkness she dwells
In the alleys she hides
In the alleys of that fair city on the water
Fair yellow hair covered
Beautiful young face masked
Hers is the only masquerade that hides everything
And yet hides nothing
Her shadow the shadow of a noblewoman
Her shadow the shadow of a thief
A noblewoman she was
A thief she is
But which is she truly?
Hooded and masked to conceal who she is
Hooded and masked to reveal who she is
A masquerade unmasked is she
She who is the Shadow of Venice

In darkness she dwells
In alleys she hides
In the alleys of that city on the water
Fair hair covered
Young face masked
Hers is the only masquerade that hides everything
And yet hides nothing
Her shadow the shadow of a noblewoman
Her shadow the shadow of a thief
But which is she truly?
Hooded and masked to conceal who she is
Hooded and masked to reveal who she is
A masquerade unmasked is she
She who is the Shadow of Venice

Please message me and tell me which version you like better.

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2008-08-14 [The Scarlet Pumpernickle]: I like the second version better. It seems to have a better flow... There are still one or two lines that seem a little stilted, but on the whole it's pretty good!

2008-08-16 [~Valkyrie~]: Which lines? What would you suggest?

2008-08-16 [The Scarlet Pumpernickle]:

Hers is the only masquerade that hides everything

I would change to "Hers the disguise that hides everything"

And yet hides nothing
to

Yet nothing is truly hidden

And I would get rid of the "But" on "But which is she truly?"

But I'm no master poet either. :P

2008-08-16 [~Valkyrie~]: Ok, but it's about my character who lives in Venice, and Venice is famous for its masquerades...Besides, I can't change that line, that's the line that I built the whole poem off of! :p

I'll think about the rest of what you said though.
Thanks.

2008-08-17 [The Scarlet Pumpernickle]: actually disguise is synonymous with Masquerade. And you have Masquerade in the final line, so it clinches it rather well. lol and if you don't want to get change the word that's fine, but I would still remove the "is" and "only" it helps the line flow

2008-08-17 [~Valkyrie~]: Well, I'll fool with it and give it to my English teacher and see what he thinks.
:) I gave the origanal version to him, he looked at me like a little kid who had just been given a piece of his favorite candy. :D

2008-08-17 [The Scarlet Pumpernickle]: lol Teachers always like to know that their students are creating in their down time. :)

2008-08-17 [~Valkyrie~]: Well, he loves poetry. But I just found out, he's not my teacher this year! :'( But I can still email it to him.

2008-08-28 [Love and Chaos]: I do agree with scarlet that in removing those words it would flow better, but it might help to decide how you want the length of the lines. some are much longer than the others so it makes the flow kinda funny, but it still works very well. though i'd never say I was great with poetry either.

2009-05-23 [Dragu]: I loved the poem

2009-05-23 [~Valkyrie~]: Thanks Boo. :)

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