Part of Kings Of Random

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UPON REACHING THE TOP OF MONKEY MOUNTAIN…

[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat] ......The troupe of fourteen mountaineers, six elephants, a camel and a cantankerous septuagenarian of unspecified gender named Marieasi stopped for a tea break. However, they had forgotten to bring a......
[El Cid] - cup.
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat] However, they came upon the realisation that had they indeed brought the cup, it wouldn't have helped much considered their numbers. So instead they drank from the camel's juicy....
[Penguinlord] melon collection, realising in passing that...
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat] ...inside each tender melon was an embryo of an incredibly rare species of ancient, smarter-than-the-average-bear monkey, named the.....
[Penguinlord]...name that which to speak of is punishable by death by pronging, a terrible procedure which involves...
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat] ...repeated mattal operations, often resulting in leakage the likes of which have never been.....
[Goldice]...seen before. also it means that you will be sat on for eternity by heavy...
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat].....sweaty men with names like Phineas, Barnaby, Andre and Quinton. These men have trained for many years to attain the talent and skill needed to do what they do, and their dedication, willpower, and kilgeshes are second to none. These men have a very interesting.....
[Jarlaxle] .... conjoined penis that protruded from each of the sweaty men's left buttocks. Thuis ment that they had in fact never have never seen each others faces. There were only two men that could break the tangled mass of phallu's, they were of course.........
[The Once and Future King] The Englishman and The Frenchman. "When striking a tea-cosy, I find a well greased sabbat to be the most effective weapon." Said the Englishman. "A good choice Mr Featheringwrite, I congratulate you. A swift run of beasewax over the strands to tighten them up and a sabbat can kill a horse." replied the Frenchman. "However...
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat].....one must always take extreme caution in the case of Fellavians." "YES INDEED MY GOOD MAN!" yelled a passing monk. "ONCE THIS MAN WALKED UP TO MY MONASTERY, WHICH HAPPENED TO BE A WATER TOWER, AND SAID HE WANTED TO.....
[El Cid] - sleep."
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat] "What happened to you shouting?" the, monk was it?, asked the fellavian. "I don't quite know, perhaps I have lost my voice in all the excitement. Have I introduced myself yet? If not, my name is Quinton Andre Floppy McPhallus, and I have a task to complete. In order to fulfil this task, I must....
[El Cid] - lie down
[Penguinlord] until this obnoxious lump located in my...
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat]...kilgesh heals and the swelling dies down somewhat. I told my friend Andray that being a backstreet kilgesh surgeon would not work in the long run, but he did not listen. Actually, wait, he did listen, and now solely performs mattal operations. Anyway, I need to soothe the wound, my gash, if you will. Do you have any.....
[El Cid] - balm."
[El Cid] - "yes."
[El Cid] - "oh, good."
[Jarlaxle] It was at that moment a figure appeared from the darkness, "my name is Thomas Johnston" he said in a voice like slik "so lock up your women as iam out on the prowl"
[El Cid] - "and I hate women," he said,"but men! Thats what I, Thomas Johnson, like!"
[skip 2 my lou] "christ Thomas william 'gay boy crossdresser' johnston, why your undoing you trousers. No no keep that away from me NOOOO!"
[Jarlaxle] "Hah! you have felt the might of artemis god of the snakes"
[Bloomy II] "its a bit small for a god"
[skip 2 my lou] "I would call it a worm, it just doesnt scream snake"
[el toros the random penis] "I am the god of the snakes. Kneel"
[skip 2 my lou] "NOoOoOoO"
[11one11] With a quick thrust of his knife the Frenchman ended the current disagreement by bringing another kilgesh into the world. "A good move my friend." The Englishman remarked, watching his friend roll up a new sabbat from the fruits of his latest operation. "I must however remind you of bacon." "Oh undoubtedly the left." replied the Frenchman, "I wouldn't have it any other way." "I entirely agree with you, it is only through such changes that we may preserve our way of life as we know it." "Then we are agreed, it is tonight?" inquired the Frenchman. "Indeed, next thursday." replied the Enlgishman, his answer satisfied no one, but that dosn't really matter, except for the fact that line was stolen from a bit of [afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat]'s writing, and no doubt when he realises this i will discover that his name is not Spanky without could reason.
Elsewhere in this small town events were unfolding that were so foul the heinous persons who were committing these atrocities Were confident their actions would go unnoticed because they were so foul. However, they did not bargain on the transcriber of these events being the person responsible for inventing mattals, kilgeshs, sabbats and other things that I will return to shortly. “Ah,” they responded, “But you would not write it down for fear of offending people.” Again they did not bargain that I would be writing this on the Melon Saga wiki page, and anyone that managed to slog through the paragraphs of waffle written by [skip 2 my lou], the rubbish spelling of [Jarlaxle] and still had enough brain cells remaining to read wouldn't be offended by anything. Well the people who were committing these atrocities go by the name of
[The Once and Future King] Busted
[11one11] and they were performing all of their songs constantly for the next 48 hours. Well, there were only two people capable of stopping them, and they were the dynamic duo of…
[The Once and Future King] Batman and Robin (see my subtle use of style there. The convention of the saga would dictate a departure from the collocation of "dynamic duo", ie: Batman and Robin would normally follow this, but in the saga everything is very random and when thinking of the saga the dynamic duo could easily be applied to the Englishman and the Frenchman, but EVERYBODy expected me to but the Englishman and the Frenchman, so to be unpredictable, I went for the predictable answer. Cunning of me.)
[11one11] However, Batman and Robin couldn't be there because any grown man that dresses as a flying mammalian creature has to snap and some point and so Bruce Wayne was picking flowers beneath waterfalls in a nice little place called Swarland. So the populace will have t make do with the Englishman and the Frenchman. (incidently I nticed your cunning play with semantics in your last entry, you really are fiendishly good writer, as well as being good looking)
[The Once and Future King] (hoping he is voicing the general consensus) “The Englishman and the Frenchmandon't make any sense though, and it takes other people's entries to make any type of coherent plot emerge.”
[11one11] “Well that doesn't really matter, I'm sure that if we continue this conversation for a while we will end up talking crap.”
[The Once and Future King] “Fair point.”
[11one11] “Caught and monkeys recently?”
[The Once and Future King] “No actually, but you did just prove yourself right, so I think you can bring in the Englishman and the Frenchman again.”
[skip 2 my lou] No you can't
[11one11] “Quiet you, you didn't even write that.” (resumes story)
So the Englishman and the Frenchman were dispatched with great haste to disrupt this Busted Concert...
[The Once and Future King] "Sorry to interupt again but can we really say that, aren't we in some way going to be breaching copyright, we already mentioned Batman and Robin and got away with it butI don't think you can slander Busted.”
[11one11] “I resent that. Slander is spoken, in print it's liable.”
[11one11] and [The Once and Future King] “SPIDERMAN!” ahem…..
[The Once and Future King] “Well anyway could you get a spanking for doing it?”
[11one11] “I don't think so, there are plenty of bands that have the same name, there are loads called Tequila Mockingbird, and besides, we haven't even specified if this Busted are a band or not.”
[The Once and Future King] “Well are they?”
[11one11] “No.”
[The Once and Future King] “Is that a ‘no' as in ‘a nods as good as a wink to a blind bat'?”
[11one11] “Well if people choose to imagine it as the band (while we are on the subject could we get them under the trades description act for calling themselves a band?) then we have no control over that, we are just using a word, and haven't yet specified what it stands for.”
[The Once and Future King] “A bit like kilgesh ?(and no we can't because they aren't really calling themselves a band, it's the fans that call them a band)”
[11one11] “Kind of, if most people knew what a kilgesh was we probably would be thrown in jail, or an institute. (oh right, do you know a lot about law)”
[The Once and Future King] “Of course we could always pretend it means rabbit, little kids make up words all the time. (not really, I wanted to be a lawyer at one point though)”
[11one11] “Exactly, except we can't say it means rabbit anymore because we just revealed that that is a lie. (is there no end to you talents?)”
[The Once and Future King] “Ok. I've just realised [Quazi] is going to flip when she sees we've hijacked the saga again. (is there a start to you intelligence?)”
[11one11] “Yes, but she won't be on elftown for a while so we can continue this for a bit longer.”
[The Once and Future King] “Actually none of my entries are longer than five lines, and so far it is pretty clean (kilgeshs don't count because they don't exist) it's only your entry that's longer than five lines.”
[11one11] “Can I get on with the bloody thing?”
[The Once and Future King] “Certainly.”
[11one11] (resumes story) well the Englishman and the Frenchman leapt into their epic means of transport that resembled a large horse radish and began speeding down the nearest lane (well it was speeding for a vehicle that resembles a horse radish). However, our heroes progress was stunted at this point by the arrival of a group of goons hired by Busted. “We are McFly.” They chorused as one, “You cannot stop us.” The Englishman and the Frenchman stopped their transport (they both had control) and started discussing this. They swiftly (well swiftly for the Englishman and Frenchman, they of course kept their asides plentiful, and to a casual observer their conversation made no sense. To a more than casual observer it made less than no sense.) They came to the conclusion they must…..
[El Cid] - stop and have a nap."
[Penguinlord] as one of them had
[skip 2 my lou] - crabs
[Penguinlord] in his...
[Goldice]...pond.he also had...
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat].....herpes of the mattal, which caused no end of itching. I forget if the hired goons were killed off yet, so I shall casually summarise their fate in the time i have before Andray and Quinton escape from their chains and give me a good hard whipping with a brown, greased leather strap for all my transgressions. The hired goons were brutally.....
[El Cid] - forced to take sleeping pills and so they now peacefully rested under a gently swaying willow. All their cares had gone away with the cool summer breeze and so they were transported by Pueblo, the insurmountably unlikely God of random occurences, to a small house about two score miles south (or in metric that is "a stones throw"). Then the small mole......
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat] .....ate its tea with vigour. Happily and contentedly contented after its meal, the mole retired to a small hole in the ground, where on arrival it planned to snuggle up in the armchair with a glass of sherry and a good.....
[El Cid] - supply of tasteful reading material such as "the financial times" and "the wall street journal". This was because the mole was a very small investment banker and, though his wife warned against it, he liked to keep track of the stock market even at weekends, which is quite a feat for a mole. But this was no ordinary mole! Under its cute and mole-like exterior, the Englishman and the Frenchman bided their time. This was a quite impressive achievement as any normal fully sized human would bide as little time as possible inside a tight fitting five inch tall mole costume with a Frenchman. The mole's wife burst into the room at some point in the last minute or so and demanded....
[11one11] a hour of good oral sex. By this time the Englishman and the Frenchman were tired of impersonating Mr Tinston (for that was the moles name) and decided that they needed to do some serious talking. "It is time." "I must agree with yu there replied the Englishman. "This has gone on for far too long. It will take more than two sticky wickets to move this rolling stone which gathers no moss." "Then we are agreed?" "Possibly." This answer satisfied nobody but if you wanted to be satisfied then you wouldn't actually be reading this now would you. So with every last vestige of plot thrown out of the window they emerged on the field of battle. The Englishman and the Frenchman were partners on a level that verged on symbiotic, each knew the others preferred fighting method and worked in seamless harmony to bring harm to those around them. So as they fought valiantly by shooting everything that moved with as big a gun as they could carry their arch nemesis, King alfonsos emerged from the smoke.
[The Once and Future King] "Wasn't it Busted?"
[11one11] "Quiet, I'm telling this story." As he emerged from the smoke brutal hand to hand combat took place until....
[El Cid] - it ceased. At which point the insurmountably unlikely God of random events, Pueblo, corporealised in the fray and farted. "The lord has spoken and his will shall be done" shouted Pueblo's high priest from somewhere in the winding plot's middle distance. Thus a great fart was let out by the followers of Pueblo. By the random favour of the Gods the Englishman was blessed with a gas mask. The frenchman however was not so fortunate and uttered the immortal words "Bloody hell, what did you eat!" After giving the high priest of Pueblo, who luckily was the only follower of this most odd of Gods, a swift backhand, the Englishman turned to Pueblo and said "hello!" The Frenchman was caught in the God's fit of spontaneity,(if anyone can spell that word then please change it for me), and was magically stripped of his tight fitting attire. "Oh my God!" shouted the englishman, "I can see your.....
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat] .....socks!" "Your point being?" replied the Frenchman. "It's depraved smut and shall not be tolerated hereafter, old boy tip tip tally ho what's a bottle of rum to a big chicken me chap blokey lad ho ho!" said the Englishman. The Frenchman tried to respond, then tried again, then a third time, then a fourth, fifth and sixth, then once more for good luck, but it was to no avail, for the Englishman had regressed into random speak, which was a disorder he had called Stereolitis. "Chip chop chap, the chap and chips will chop! How about a nice cup of oh yes me mum's an apple and pear ooh stairs cock and bone phone, cricket tally ho what's a punt to a Cambridgeshire man oh yes tally tilly tolly.....
[El Cid] - tel..." The Englishman was interupted by a swift backhand from the now enraged high priest. "shut up, shut up, shut up!!!" He shouted. "Why don't you just shut up!!" The Englishman was so offended that not only did he forget and subsequently cure his condition but he beat the high priest to death with his own shoe. At the sight of his high priest's demise, Pueblo shrunk to the size of a mouse, spun around thrice and proceeded to dissolve in a most random fashion. "Ooooooo!" Said the Frenchman in a way which hinted at the disgusting truth about his feelings for men,
"someone got up on the wrong side of their bunk bed this morning!" The englishman turned and saw a man with a broken arm and said "Well that's one explanation for his injury." The Frenchman then said something rather profound, while at the same time, life changingly insightful. The Englishman agreed and they were on their way. Their destination? the far side of.....
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat].....Hadston, the desolate ghost-town they had to visit once before. Both men had spent many hours in therapy, confessing their deepest feelings and love for each other to a psychiatrist, who in turn blamed everything on the other man, but this has very little to do with why the Englishman and the Frenchman had chosen to return to that place known as Hadston. There is one simple answer for this, and one complicated answer. The simple answer is.....ask for the complicated answer, because that's actually the only answer. The complicated answer is.....
[El Cid] - that they realised there are very few places which can be made from some of the letters of their respective nationalities. "Englishman" and "frenchman" melded together with the letters d, t and o to form their very abstract destiny: HADSTON. This is a very complicated answer indeed and frankly you should have settled for the simple answer, dissatisfying as it was. The Englishman and Frenchman set off after a short discussion on the nature of badger mating habits. Upon entering the mysteriously convinient taxi which had pulled up outside the molehill, which I'm sure most of the people reading this have forgotten they were in, the driver enquired as to why they wanted to go to Hadston. "Why do you want to go to Hadston?" he said innocently. After yet another swift backhand, they were off without another mention of their motives. On the way they realised they had names. These names were...(take it away Led Zepplin)...
[11one11] ... The Englishman and the Frencman....
[The Once and Future King] da da da dada dum!!!
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat] "How anti-climactic" remarked a strange man, who shall be known as Helga, caressor of cabbages, mutilator of unworthy garden vegetables, and all-round sproutlifting idol to all. "Who in blazes are you?" asked The Englishman the Englishman. "I, The, am your.....
[RiDlEy] .....father.....
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat]....and this teacup I hold with my kilgesh is your baby sister Jahoseffine. She is a girl of many talents, including the capacity to withstand boiling liquid sloshing around inside her." The Frenchman, after hearing this malarky, slowly rose from his armchair, put down his copy of "Big Jugs On Boys", casually ambled over to whoever the Englishman's father was, picked up Jahoseffine, and took a bite out of her. "What do you think you are doing?" cried....
[El Cid] - the Englishman. Then Pueblo burst in and grabbed the old man and his incestual daughter and dissappeared in a puff of unlikely smoke. "Now that that is over could we go to bloody Hadston now?" said the englishman who seemed totally unphased by the ordeal. "yes." said the Frenchman, "but first we must retrieve the ideologists rock, the misplaced arck, the cup of flame and a small statue which must be replaced by a similarly heavy object while the thief strokes his stubbly beard." At this they realiosed that they had finally reached the mythical place known as "the other side of Hadston". This took them by surprise almost as much as the man whom they had decided to give a lift to. He had also taken them.....by surprise.
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat] Surprisingly, both men suddenly had a fit of amnesia and could not remember anything from when the Englishman's father appeared onwards. "Whuuuu?" asked the Frenchman. "I uu nooo" replied the Englishman. And they set off, hand in hand, towards the place known as Hadston. On the way, the men stopped at a small shop to buy souvenirs for their friends. The Frenchman rummaged among the shelves and emerged triumphant, for he had found an exquisite golden...
[El Cid] - sabbat. This was odd as the practice of performing ritualistic kilgesh operations had not reached that far north yet. The previous owner had assumed it was some kind of musical instrument. "Oh, thats more than just a bell." remarked the Frenchman knowingly. The englishman slapped him. After a round of guith and a sharp bout of jellopping, they were once again, off. Even though they had already reached their goal, they had decided to continue in that direction because it had a good "vibe", or so the Frenchman had said knowingly. The Englishman had slapped him afterwards and so it began....The journey to the end of the direction with a good vibe. (Catchy, eh?) This was to be an epic adventure with squirrels and men named george and suchlike. On the road to their goal, they reached a lonely bar called.....
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat] ...."Boys Boys Boys and Cock". "This looks like a lark" uttered the Englishman amiably. "I fancy we will meet some ladies I can show my lovely new sabbat to" remarked the Frenchman. And so the two men entered the lonely bar. As they passed through the shiny beads that were emblazoned across the front door, they were struck by blinding lights flashing on and off repeatedly, and a sound shook the entire room in a constant "n-tsss, n-tsss, n-tsss". "What have we done?" cried the Englishman. "We must fleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" yelled the Frenchman, in blind panic. He ran towards the door but was promptly entangled and intertwined among the beads. "Argh! They've got me! Save yourself!" he shouted. It was then that an effeminate-looking gentleman named R. Chard McRo espied them, and walked over to the Frenchman, who was struggling helplessly against the might of the beads. "What's a lovely young girl like you doing in a place like this?" he enquired. "You know, if you like I could......
[11one11] .... show you a Jintel."
[The Once and Future King] "But that's just silly." Replied the Frenchman, "I had one on my lawn for a whiel until some bugger nicked it." All the while he was struggling sdesperately to excape the anare of the bead curtain and a thourgh buggering at the hands of the bar's occupants.
Meanwhile the Englishman was having a little adventure of his own. While the author's direction had been focused away from him for at least a paragraph he quitely passed through a side door in the bar t emerge into a samll room decorated entirely with press cuttings containg the the word "Flamingo" somewhere in their title. The only furniture in the room was a pair of hammocks (if hammocks come in pairs) constructed from field mouse sabbats. The occupants of this room were a pair of green skinned creatures not entirely reminiscent of a Dalek without its armour.
"Upon my word, I do believe i have found it." And indeed the Englishman had, there in that small room he had stumbled upon the single greatest phenomenon that exists. The computer imps.
"We have been long expecting you, Enlgishman." said one Imp. "It was only a matter of time before you came here." The Imps proceded to tell the Englishman something of his past, how he was no more than a character in a story, and that the fiendish entity known as [11one11] had created him and his friend the Frenchman and placed them in a world filled with such nouns as kilgesh and mattal. Well upon learning of this the Englishman was mighty pissed off, and decided to do something about it. Seizing his sabbat whip he leapt through the time portal that appeared infront of him wioth one though on his mind, to kill [11one11].
[11one11] However, his plan was thwarted on account of the fact that I don't exist. I'm just [The Once and Future King]. What a plot twist. And upon learning of this the Englishman decided not to do anything, because after all [The Once and Future King] is such a great person and mattals weren't so bad after all.
Well, you may be wondering in amgonst all of this what had happened to the Frenchman. Well he had escaped the bar without further mishap. However, in the plane of the computer imps time passes much faster and so twelve years had elapsed. The Frenchman had gone undercover, still trying to avoid the public eye and the unwanted attention of a particularly irate female mole desperate for oral sex. The Frenchman had developed a nearly foolproof cover, becoming a cross dressing insurance salesman called Dorothy who enjoyed kite surfing and watching old porn videos starring Thora Hird. The Frenchman (Dorothy was merely an alais) lived in a small cabin constructed out of cocktail sticks perched precariously on top of the 147th highest mountain and by pure coincidence his house was number 3.
The Frenchman had enjoyed a god mornings kite surf and was just settling down for a quick masturbating session over his favourite video (Thora Hird Meets the Lesbian Zombies from Egypt) when there was a knock at his door.
[El Cid] - "would you like double glazing" ventured the salesman. He was slightly shocked when he was grabbed by the throat, pulled into the house and buggered repeatedly. "If you dare come back again then I swear I'll cut it off!!!" shouted The Frenchman. He went back to his reading. After a few hours he realised that there was a strange whining coming from outside. He grabbed a stick which resembled a shotgun and stepped out the door. He found something very strange. He went back indoors and began reading once again and it was then that it occurred to him. "Oh my God!" he proclaimed, "I left the toaster on!" After seeing to the problem he once more took up his book and he, yet again, began to peruse it's pages. He carressed each page as he turned it, allowing his fingers to run up and down the spine as he read. The Englishman burst in and punched him. "If YOU dare go near my arse again I swear I'll cut it off!!" Upon realising this was the "window salesman" the Frenchman said "Where the hell have you been for the last few hours?". "You knocked me out you french bastard!" After some much needed tea and biscuits, the Englishman was told the story of how the frenchman had become the great transexual buggering lump that he was. "well," he said, "I am French." This satisfied the Englishman as it was well known what the french get up to when not under the scrutiny of the English. "I have found out how we can end this mad string of random occurrences." said the Englishman. "we either have to kill pueblo or have oral sex with a badger. The translation is vague." The frenchman stabbed the englishman through the heart and then beat him about the head until with his last ounce of strength, the Englishman, thrust his mighty letter opener into the frenchman's gut. The frenchman decided to tell the englishman the truth before the end. "Quinton?"he said. "yes, Andre?"replied the Englishman. "I love you" whispered the frenchman. "piss off." replied the englishman. "fair enough" said the frenchman with his last breath. As they died in each other's arms, Andre's hand fell into the cabinet, which opened and revealed a golden sabbat engraved with the words "The end"
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat]...However, if one were to gaze upon it further, and throw it into a fire of some sort, perhaps to melt it down and sell for porn money, one would discover its secret; one that can only be told via the medium of FIRE. This terrible omen is a sequence of words immediately following those named 'the end'. These words are....."or is it? Da da da dum dum".