Wondering Why?

Staring blindly upwards
Eyes fixed on the white stucco ceiling
Trying to disconnect

Pinned down
Pain explodes
Beyond my control

There is a movie playing in the background
I struggle a bit
Nothing comes of it

The more I move
The more pain there is

Shutting down now
Withdrawing into myself
Hiding from the pain
The humiliation

I try not to cry
Tears leak out anyway
The pain doesn’t stop
Crying doesn’t help

Waiting for it to end
Time seems to slow
Seconds feel like minutes
Minutes like years

I stare blindly up at the white stucco ceiling
Waiting for the pain to end
For the humiliation to stop

A year has passed
The scene still replays in my head
Over and Over and Over
An endless loop

When I’m alone
I curl up in a ball and cry

Always wondering,
Why didn’t I fight just a little bit more
Just a little harder
Said no just a little louder

At night I stare blindly up at that white stucco ceiling
Wondering why?


It has taken me almost a year to be able to write this down. I know that I have to face it someday, but now I can read it and face it when I want to. Not when it replays in my head.... well I hope.
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