Rules you have to read for the sole reason that if you don't memorize them or at least use them as an all-purpose reference for when you are messaging me or talking to me, then I will hunt you down and find you and KILL YOU UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD MWAHAHAHA.
That said, enjoy!
1. Don't message me with phrases like 'hi' or 'what's up?' We're on the internet. Being on the internet just means that we get to skip all the normal greetings and go straight into conversation. Fuck all the 'so, how's life?' shit. I don't even like that in real life. If a person doesn't come up to me with an eery, stalker-like knowledge of my life ("So, you like pandas? I like pandas, too!") then I ignore them. Of course, in real life, the 'block' button is hard to find, but if I let people know I'm searching for it when I'm staring intently at their feet it's usually a good deterrent.
And if anybody points out that I just spent a good ten minutes of my time writing out reasons why I wouldn't respond to 'hi' messages, instead of just pressing the 'delete' button when I get said messages, then they get the rabid ferret enema. Whores.
2. God damn bitches, learn to spell. The fact that in real life you could be a fully functioning individual who just never learned the difference between 'their,' 'they're' and 'there' matters not to me. Your bad grammar is a blight upon my eyes, a blight that must be wiped out like terrorists (and if you don't agree you hate your country... country-hater). I would know, I went to college. I like having INTELLIGENT conversations with people because I WENT TO COLLEGE. I don't care if you went to college, too, and can point out that some of the more intelligent conversations one can have with people in college involves what sort of beer can get you drunk fastest, never mind that beer is like 2% watered-down carbonated alcohol that tastes like horse piss... Ahem. My point being that I can act snooty to whomsoever I please because I went to college.
Plus, learn punctuation. Remember: 'comma' is just a letter away from 'coma,' which is what happens to STUPID PEOPLE.
And I hate to see people tYpE lYkE tHiS. I feel you are making fun of my lack of manual dexterity, because I cannot type like that without spending a good ten minutes on a single sentence. Well, fuck you too. I also don't like it when people type IN ALL CAPITALS FOR THE WHOLE ENTIRE MESSAGE. It feels like you are screaming at me. I do not appreciate people screaming at me. It reminds me of my childhood.
Additionally, learn to write out the full word when you type, you mentally retarded freaks. Shortening 'you' to 'u' has no excuse. Typing isn't a marathon-like sport. In fact, I shall protest by no longer using contractions. 'Isn't' is now 'is not' because it's only one more letter to type out. You guys who use contractions are lazy imbeciles who deserve to die painful, painful deaths. (Disclaimer: this statement was immediately forgotten, so: don't, isn't, aren't, they're, I'm, can't, you're, she's, he's, it's, I'll, I'd, I've, shouldn't, couldn't, won't, and about a million more contractions that make up the English language, whose sole purpose is so we can successfully communicate, but doing so in a grammatically correct sense, so even though I get the gist of 'ur' I still hate it almost as much as I hate the Nazi's.)
3. My god, I know I'm the hottest thing on two legs, and quite possibly on four legs, and probably even outside of the bi- and quadrapedal organisms, and I know you lust after my body, but for Christsakes I don't cyber. I only took those pictures of me practically naked, licking my lips seductively at the camera, with the caption of 'plz come and play with this poor lonely kitty' because I have fucking FREEDOM OF SPEECH, bitches. This means that I can do things like that, innocent little things like posting a picture JUST so my friends can know what I look like, without worries of being harrassed with about 5 people a year sending me messages like 'wanna cyber?'
4. Stop sending me chain messages! I always get a bit shakey when I open them. I mean, my god, if I fail to forward this, will my cat Fluffy truly die tonight? Will my crush never speak to me again? It's a harrowing dilemma that I face every time I open a chain letter, so just stop sending them to me or face the consequences, which not only include me reporting you (because yes, it's not allowed here in ET-land!) but also me finding your house and killing YOUR cat you homewrecker.
5. If you message me with propaganda against what I currently believe, then I will no doubt not only flame you and all wiki's you belong to, but will block you and subsequently report you to the guards. However, feel free to message me with bigotry that I can relate to. For example, if you said "Homosexuality is a fucking sin," I would have to respond "YOU BITCH HOMOSEXUALITY ISN'T A SIN but if it was, it might be a 'fucking' sin, per se, because it at least partially deals with sex" but I would go on to do the above said mean things. However, if you message me with, say, "Straight people are fucking breeders" I'd probably respond like "Hahaha, they are, because in order to BREED you have to FUCK" and we'd have a jolly laugh.
6. And one more thing: don't fucking cuss. Don't you have any more goddamn words in your vocabulary to express your feelings, bitch? I wish you'd just fucking pass out in a pool of your own vomit, you cunt-munching whore, because curse words offend my delicate disposition and make me sick to my fucking stomach.
If you fail to follow the above rules, I will not only bitch you out in messages but parade your name in front of my friends in my online dungeon called
OMG I FUCKING HATE YOU. And if you show up to complain that this is one step too far, that it's a bit public and you were just a newbie, and that I'm basically sic'ing my friends on you as we rip you a new one in the comments box, I will squeal and bitch you out... AGAIN.
Fucking whores.
this is a satire on all the rules in people's houses and wiki's and whatnot, because if I see rules in anybody's house, unless this person is REALLY fucking fascinating (and they usually aren't) I don't want to message them in the slightest... so I guess they succeeded, neh? However, if you point out the spelling/grammatical mistakes in this wiki solely in an attempt to make yourself feel smarter, I reserve the right to... um... 'grrr' angrily at you.
See, I complain, but I don't take the time to make full-scale wiki's like these brilliant people. I worship them like the GODS, GODDESSES OR CHOSEN DIETIES they are.
Hi-mail - CHECK IT, BITCHES. And the
Hi(t) List. It's almost as awesome as
OMG I FUCKING HATE YOU but that's pretty much IMPOSSIBLE, so... Almost is good enough.
Take Elftown Back - We will take it back by FORCE, if necessary. It'll be like a STUPID-ocide. We'll burn Emo's like witches in a Salem convention or like homosexuals at a Nazi barbeque.
Them Damn Critics - This person is such a fucking jackass. They bitch and moan about something that isn't a problem. RULES ARE NECESSARY ONLINE.
Stumble!