warning im mostley nocturnal!!! dont expect a replie during the day!!

What gets longer when pulled, fits between your boobs,inserts neatly in a hole & works best when jerked?

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A Seatbelt you   pervert! Now
Buckle Up!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.



After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.



The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the

pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to
get
nervous, I take a sip."



So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.



He proceeded to talk up a storm.



Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following
note on
the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
and
the spooky.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he
was stoned off his ass.

10)We do! not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this
and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"

12 The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the
grub, Yeah God.

Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a
peter
pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


if i go insane i will use my penis as a pogo stick ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
just call me james its my nick name in this dismal existance of myn
my life sucks
------------------------------------------------------
A boy and a girl,
the best of friends.
From elementary to high school
from beginning to end.



Through all those years
their friendship grew.
They both felt the same,
but neither knew.



Each waking moment
since the day they met.
They both loved each other
sunrise to sunset.




He was all she had
in her terrible life.
He was the one
who kept her from her knife.



She was his angel,
she made him smile.
Though life threw him curves,
she made it all worth while.



Then one day
things went terribly wrong.
The next few weeks
were like a very sad song.



He made her jealous
on purpose he tried.
When the girl asked, "Do you love her?"
on purpose he lied.



He played with jealousy
like it was a game.
Little did he know
Things would never be the same.



His plan was working
but he had no clue.
How wrong things would go,
the damage he would do.



One night she broke down,
feeling very alone.
Just her and the blade,
no one else home.



She dialed his number,
he answered, "Hello"
She told him she loved him
and hung up the phone.



He raced to her house
just a minute too late.
Found her lying in blood,
her heart had no rate.



Beside her was a note,
in it her confession.
Her love for this boy,
her only obsession.



As he read the note,
he knelt down and cried.
Grabbed her knife,
that night they both died.



She was found in his arms,
both of them dead.
Under her note
his handwriting said:



"I loved her so,
she never knew.
All this time
I loved her too."
------------------------------------------------------
fucking funny shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!


If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK

Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's.

Please help the homeless. Take me home with you...

Wanna come and see my Hard Drive? Babe, I promise you it ain't 3.5 inches and it sure ain't floppy.

What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?

Will you be my Xmas cracker? I'd really like to pull you.

Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?

You are a 9.999. Well, you'd be a perfect 10 if you were with me.

You're good at mathematics, right? Would you say 69 was a perfect square?

Your Daddy must have been a Baker, cos you got the nicest set of buns I've ever saw.
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