Proper Definition of Marine Rank

General
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.

Colonel
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.

Lieutenant Colonel
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding B.B.
Walks on water in indoor swimmimg pools.
Talks with God if special request chit is approved.

Major
Barely clears quonset huts.
Loses tug of war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.

Captain
Makes high marks when trying to leap building.
Is run over by locomotives.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog paddles.
Talks to animals.

First Lieutenant
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times.
Is NOT issued ammunition.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of Mae West.
Talks to walls.

Second Lieutenant
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.
Says: "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to himself.

Sergeant (any)
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance. BECAUSE...
HE IS GOD!!!  *(I'm a Staff Sergeant)*