Didn't think my last letter was going to stay up here as long as it did. I would have stayed up, but there was too many arguments on both ends because of it. So I took it down. But I feel like starting anew. This page, these letters, are here for me to vent my frustrations, my joy, my anger...and just about any other feeling I can feel. Also with starting over, all the comments from my previous letter will be removed.

---

February 26, 2008; 9:49 pm
I feel trapped in my own mind. The place where I used to feel safe and secure, is now a torture chamber. After being gone 18 years, I finally started to build a relationship with my dad. The last 5 years, he would tell me about how different things were going to be, and how much happier I'd feel. For 5 years, I hung on his every word like a steadfast Christian hangs on to the gospel. He tells me he doesn't want to be a father, and that I can hate him if I want. In all honestly, I spent 18 years hating him, I don't have the energy or the patience anymore. One of the last things I said to him, was if he didn't want to be a dad, then he needed to keep his dick in his pants. I haven't spoken to him since. He still crosses my mind every now and then, but I usually push those thoughts out of my head. No point in really dwelling on the the past, or worrying about someone who doesn't want to be a parent.

I've been with him for just about 2 years now, some times it feels like a much longer time frame. He recently got an xbox 360 with his tax refund, and in all honestly I hate it. Lately it seems like the people on Xbox live are more important. And it hurts. I can fully understand wanting to relax when one gets home, but with him its more of an obsession. He gets mad when I say something about the people in the game need a life. He gets so into the game though, that you have to repeat things, because he isn't paying any attention to you. I shouldn't have to compete with a video game -or others playing the game- for his attention. But thats what I do. Asking him to do something, that doesn't directly involve the game, or the people in it, is like pulling teeth.