Welcome to The Funny Jokes page

For the funny jokes that don't fit into any of the other catagories. ^_^

---

Chinesse Tortures
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by a very old Chinese man with a long gray beard. '"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly",' the Chinese man said, "but on one condition." "If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man'". "OK,", said the man, and entered the house. Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.". Well, that's pretty crappy,' he thought. 'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones were better than castration he, jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."


The Texas Salesman

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.

"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his
interview.

"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.

The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

"One," said the lad.

"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.

"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the
boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."

"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss
asked in astonishment.

"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "

Shit.

The Most Functional English Word


Well, it's shit...that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.


Consider:
You can get shit-faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.


With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.


You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.


Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between Shit and Shineola.


There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits;


There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.


You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.


You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.


You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.


Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.


Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.


You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit, or a lot of weird shit.


You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.


Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit, and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.


When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.


And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!


You could pass this along, if you give a shit, or not do so, if you don't give a shit!


Well Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do Give A Shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit head........


Well, shit happens!

submitted by: [swabloo]

JUST JOLES TO OFFEND PPL!!

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

Why is it so hard to find men who are caring, kind, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase
cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale
and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap."
submitted by:[punk_sk8er]


My favourite hooker
By Max Barry, the author of Jennifer Government and Syrup.

I was reading my local community magazine and came to the classified column “Adult Services.” There weren’t many to choose from, so apparently (a) I live in a morally upright suburb, and (b) it’s a sellers’ market. Still, I decided to critique their marketing efforts: If I was buying, which hooker would I hire?

JULIETTE PRIVATE
Sexy, friendly, mid-30s, blonde

I like that she’s “friendly.” The last thing I’d want when I’ve hired a prostitute is for her to be rude or standoffish. Although maybe I’m reading that wrong; maybe you get her around to your house but when you try to get frisky, she says, “I’m sorry… I just don’t want to ruin the friendship.” I’m also a little wary about that “mid-30s”: is that her age or birthdate?

R U BI CURIOUS WHATEVER?
Try a sensual male body rub by attractive young guy.

Hmm, I need to be a lot more than “curious” about bisexuality before the idea of a sensual body rub from an attractive young guy sounds appealing. I think I’d have to have some pretty firm opinions.

VANESSA
Affectionate mid 30’s Blonde. Prefers men 50’s+

So if I open the door, Vanessa’s face will fall with disappointment. That’s no good. I have to say, though, I’m surprised that someone so picky about who she sleeps with has chosen this career path. I feel bad for Vanessa; I imagine life is quite the challenge.

EROTIC.. BODY.. TOUCH

All good words. But to me the ad suggests a lack of imagination; like whoever wrote it doesn’t really know what she should be doing. She comes over, you get naked, then she just starts awkwardly poking your chest.

ANGEL
Uni Student. Visit You. $250/hour.

That sounds like a lot of money just for a visit. I hope that includes some sex. But why is Angel telling me she’s a student? Will she need to get some studying done while she’s over? Is she prone to holding forth on socialism? It’s almost as if she’s suggesting that Uni Students who have sex are rare and exotic. She’s obviously not staying at my old dorm.

Faith Paradise
Cheeky Private Blonde 23 Credit Cards.

We have a winner! First, I am a sucker for wacky names, and “Faith Paradise” is even better than “Juliette Private”. She’s cheeky (that’s a plus), private (won’t tell everyone the next day), and, apparently, has 23 credit cards! So if the sex didn’t go well, we could chat about consumerism. Perfect!
Submitted by: [iippo]


Lucky Frog


A man takes the day off and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to
the green. He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help me God,
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

Submitted by [iippo]

---

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. "BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'...
I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Submitted by [iippo]

---

A man and a women check into an expensive hotel. They spend a quiet night in the room, watching TV and reading and sleeping soundly into the morning. When they're ready to leave, the man goes to pay. The manager gives him a bill for 1000$.
"WHAT?" exclaims the amn, "1000$?? But we only stayed one night and used the TV. Sure, we took a bit of the food from the fridge, but still, it shouldnt be 1000$!"
"Ahhh" replies the manager, " but we had also offered a spa treatment, a swimming pool, and many other accomodations."
"But we didnt use any of them!"
"No, but they were there.If you didnt choose to take advatage of them, its not our problem."
Grudgingly, the man stalks away, but returns soon afterwards to pay his bill.
"Sir" the manager sais, " I'm sorry, but you've only payed us 500$"
"Yes, I know, I've charged you 500$"
"What for?!"
"For sleeping with my wife"
"Sir, I in no way, have slept with your wife!"
"No, but she was there. If you didnt choose to sleep with her, thats not my problem."

submitted by: [The all powerful Midori]

---

The Farmer's Daughters

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first boy came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"

"No," the farmer said.

The second boy came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"

"No."

The third boy came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."

The farmer shot Chuck.

submitted by [kay-chan]

---

Sister-In-Law

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate.

She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house.

I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!!!!

Submitted by [Delta Operator]

---

Back to Jokers of Elftown
To The Blondie Jokes
To The Perverted Jokes
To The Sexist Jokes
To The Pick Up Lines
To The Heritage Jokes
To The Misc. Jokes