Page name: Grooming, how to [Logged in view] [RSS]
2010-02-04 05:26:37
Last author: Hedda
Owner: Hedda
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Grooming, how to

Well, not how to do grooming, but how to handle it, of course. One section for kids and one for adults.

Short version

Kids: Don't ever give in to threats from bad people!
Adults: Make sure your kids know that they don't get punished for doing perverted stuff on the Internet, but that it's still not a good idea to do it.

For the kids

On Elftown people of a totally different age can start to talk to you. It generally doesn't mean that they are pervs, and meeting people that you wouldn't have met otherwise is the main point of Elftown.

But sometimes there are really bad people out there, and this is what to do:

1) Hopefully it's just a harmless perv and there isn't anything to worry about. If it seems to be a spamming perv, report them. If it's just someone you don't want to talk to, then just don't answer, or ask them if that is what they really meant ("How big is your cock?" was maybe just a joke on the farm-image you posted). Even nice people send something stupid sometimes.

2) The bad people generally want to continue the conversation on MSN or email, and that might be a sign that they are up to something that isn't good. I can't say that you shouldn't befriend people, but be prepared that it can end badly.

3) The bad people often start to threaten you. It can be things like "I'll call the social authorities and they will take you away from your parents if you don't do as I say". Never ever give in to their threats. If they do report you to any authorities, they are in more trouble than you are, and what-ever threats they make, you're worse off, if you do as they say. Don't ever give in to threats!

4) Report them! And talk to your friends about it. Maybe you feel awkward talking to your parents, but you can always talk to the guards. We will, for example, not judge you just because you talked dirty to someone whom you thought was nice. Consider making a report to the police too; Elftown will not file police-reports or help you with that, but we do help the police if they ask us.

5) And again: Stop talking to bad people! They will take everything, including threats and curses, as a reward; don't give them that!

6) Know whom you're speaking to before you decide to meet them, and tell people that you're going to meet them. Search for their name on Google, look up where they work, make sure you that you know how to find them afterward and talk to their friends. You should be aware that some people create false photos and friends to create an illusion that they are nice people, but just talking around should give you an idea of the real situation. If you want to meet people who are afraid of having a (non-anonymous) presence on the Internet, then I have no idea how to do and I, [Hedda], just don't do it.

Don't be afraid to make a report! As long as it's true, we'll not be angry with you just because you posted a useless report because you misunderstood a message or so.

And for the adults

Please try to be more understanding towards the people that are falling victim to the bad perverts! They often have no one to really talk to and feel quite lonely and misunderstood. So then they engage in stuff like cybersex, sending nude images of themselves to unknown people and so on, in a desperate try get some attention. When they get that attention from a bad person and that person eventually starts to threaten them about telling about what the kid has done, the kid is very vulnerable if the kid afraid that you might get angry.

So if you're on a mission to condemn cybersex and sending nude images, you are basically handing out the chains that the rapists are using to enslave their victims! Good thinking there, moralist pig!

Sending nude images can really get you into trouble, so you should really not do that unless you're sure about what you're doing, but it's extremely important that those who do it anyway, don't feel that they might be punished for it.

It's also important to talk more to kids, both for them and you. There is a movement towards that everyone who talks to kids are pedophiles, which of course means that the only ones who will dare to talk to kids will be the pedophiles. It's important for everyone to have friends of all ages, so try to break some social conventions! That odd relation might be very fruitful some day (Well, unless the moralists put you in jail for being nice to kids).

Most important is maybe to understand that you aren't wise just because you're old...

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2010-02-01 [Hedda]: I was apparently quite tired when writing this, so some things might be a little off. I'll take another look at it tomorrow. <img:stuff/cheshmak.gif>

2010-02-01 [Hedda]: Well, yes <img:stuff/zabuN-gif.gif>

2010-02-01 [arthemis_]: Maybe it's just late, maybe it's my lack of English skills, but I don't quite understand what's in bold letters in the adult section. For the rest, I think you're right!

2010-02-01 [Hedda]: It means that if you scare kids about that it's very bad to cybersex, then pedophiles will use that to threaten the kids. They rather get raped than telling their parents of what has happened so far.

2010-02-02 [~Spirit Fox~]: I'm glad you wrote this, my younger sister just got a Myspace and I have already told her this, but there are some kids who don't have access to an older sibling they can trust. ^.^

2010-02-02 [Alexi Ice]: I love that Hedda is so understanding. O.o Some of this is a bit harsh, no?

2010-02-02 [arthemis_]: Ah, I see what you mean. I don't really think that if a stranger tells them they are idiots for doing such personal stuff online, they suddenly are afraid to tell their parents about a rape. But I understand there are people on the internet who blackmail people who they managed to seduce to cybersex. Personally I think rape is about something else and has very little to do with cybersex. I can see how it can evolve into rape, but I don't see the link between telling kids that it's not a wise idea to have cybersex into being afraid to tell if it evolved in rape.

2010-02-02 [arthemis_]: Rapist always say that, even if there is no cybersex involved. Oh, but you dress too sexy, it's because you looked at me. They always find a reason, even the simplest reason. I do not think saying cybersex is a bad idea because you hand out personal stuff that can be used against you is "handing out the chains to rapists". 

2010-02-02 [Hedda]: [arthemis_]: If you tell your kids (or just give that impression and teenagers are very bad at judging what others really feel and think, worse than 10-year olds actually) that they will be grounded for a month if they talk to strangers on the Internet, then of course they will not tell you when they run into trouble while doing it.

2010-02-02 [arthemis_]: I see the point, luckily I have no kids to tell anything. But I thought more from the viewpoint that if I told some random kid not to do it, that random kid would still tell his or her parents if he or she felt uncomfortable online or in some kind of jam. I think it's the parent's responsibility to explain these things, in the league of 'don't go with strange men, even when they offer puppies and chocolate' category. Though I see your point, I think it's a bit harsh to say 'handing the chains to rapists'. I don't know, I just don't think cybersex and rape is that close together as it appears here. I think there is a great gap in between. Both are horrible, but rape is a great deal worse then cybersex. Cybersex can be consensual and light, while rape is never consensual and never light. Do you know what I mean?

2010-02-02 [arthemis_]: Well, I agree, the 'moralist pigs' threw me off a bit too. I see what you mean. Adults should warn their kids that some people online are extremely manipulative and that whenever they feel uncomfortable doing something they probably shouldn't. Saying cybersex is bad and evil and stuff will not make the kid speak out about it, that's true. Parents should tell their kids that cybersex can be dangerous and if they ever became seduced by it and in trouble that they can always share these troubles with their parents, because sometimes people online are up to no good. Maybe that's the same as Hedda meant, but only slightly more polite/subtle.
Probably I was so distracted by the words that I missed the message :P

2010-02-04 [Hedda]: [arthemis_]: So you missed the message. Guess how common it is for teenagers to think that you say "I'll be grounded for a week if you do cybersex!" when you say "cybersex might be dangerous."!

For not risking to be misunderstood, you have to stress that they will not get punished and that you're there for them. And hey: If you say that you're there for them in case of trouble, you have also explained that it might be dangerous.

2010-02-04 [arthemis_]: I still think that depends on how your relationship is with your parents. If my parents said to me: cybersex can be dangerous, so if you get into trouble you can always come to me. I wouldn't think: Oh, I get grounded if I do so.
I don't know, I feel so like the devil's advocate right now, though I get your point, I really do! I was only distracted by the harsh words in which it was explained.

2010-02-05 [Thrice]: I agree that maybe the message could get twisted with how harsh it was written, but the truth is that if you don't say it harsh, then most people will just pass it off as another couple of paragraphs on the internet. You know? I think that parents should warn children about the internet as you can get into some very serious situations, but I also think that they shouldn't completely cut off any idea of meeting people online. Not everyone is bad. :) I think parents need to support both sides equally. Be there for their children if something does come up, and also be there when they meet really genuine people online.

I probably just repeated every thing you all have said... But there is my point! XD

2010-02-05 [arthemis_]: Lol, yeah you did :) My parents did a great job on that, taking into consideration that my parents don't know anything about the online life. But they taught me that even with the embarrassing problems I could come to them and we together would figure it out.

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