Learn To Pronounce

Hi this is [iippo] and I want to teach you all desperate people the beautiful ways of pronouncing properly. Since I am the queen of ultimate truth and the goddess of all things small, I wield the authority to teach you, beloved vermin, the magnificent ways of saying words out loud to other people in order for them to understand what goes on in your mind. Hokae, here goes.

Number One:iippo
We will start with a tricky one, so you will understand that pronunciation is absolutely key. Now you see the word, your mind thinks it over... no, stop thinking about hippos, hippos have nothing to do with this. Let us analyze the word. It is a finnish-originated word, clearly, for it has a double-i and a double consonant in the middle, in our case, a double-p. ((¬_¬ *sigh* yes, it is peepee, can we all be grown-ups now, thank you... *muttermutteroyveywhataschtoidelmuttermutter*). A double-i (aye aye) is pronounced as a long ee-sound. Don't forget to give enough pressure to the double-p, you can't say it as one p, iipo, for then we would face a question, what is the other p there for, and that is not a question you wish to answer, trust me. And then we end with an o, but note that it is not ow, so there is no need for that excess u-sound. Just drop it at poh. So now we have learnt the way to pronounce iippo: eep-poh.

Number Two: Fuck
This is such an universal word that you must master the pronunciation of it if you wish to be acknowledged in the real world. Now, since the world is bi-polar, the word has two different ways of pronouncing, and you must familiarise yourself with the different contexts before using this word. Now, since fuck is an English word, we will start with the proper English pronunciation. If you are in England or are in the presence of English nationals, (this doesn't apply to English nationals - if you are born and raised in the UK, you have to learn the other version that I will explain soon enough as long as you let me go on and stop asking stupid questions. Thank you), you pronounce it with a strong ah-sound and a sharp k in the end: fak. If you are an English national or are in the presence of non-English nationals, you pronounce it with a long oo-sound, f00k. Now the question raises: what to do if you are in England but in the presence of non-UK-people? In such a case, you apply the second method.
If you would like to know more, get yourself acquianted with the history of the word fuck. You can do so here:
http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/history.htm

Number Three: Uber
Here we have a german-originated word. And because Germans - a proud and loud nation - are very strickt in the pronunciation of their language, you should take extra care when using this word. There is a common mistake people make here and that is failing to see that uber does not have umlauts. If it did, it would look like this: über. And as you see, it is radically different, hence it is pronounced radically differently as well. Where über is pronounced ew-ber, uber differs from it like this: it is not an ew-sound, but more like an oo, sorta like in the second version of fuck (f00k), except never spelled like 00ber, that is just plain silly.

Number Four: Wiki
Wiki is a hawaiian-originated word, so no easily explainable rules apply to it, other than the following. Despite of the fact that a 'W' is falsely named as double-u in the English language, people with sharp eyes notice that it is in fact a doule-v. We will forgive this name-issue and use the letter w correctly. So when you say wiki, there is no ui-sound in the beginning, like uiki. Instead it is a sharp v (and don't forget to give the k in the middle some space too!) so wiki is infact pronounced as Vicky.

Number Five: deus
Deus is a latin-based word, and since latin is dead, I shall apply my own logic to teach you how to pronounce it. So it is not pronounced like deusch, nor like deutsch. It is much more subtle with the two vowels e and u. So we start with d, then we have e, bt not ee as in iippo, but more like eh, but deffinately with a silent h. Then follows the u, and take care now and don't try to merge the e and u in to each other, the u is supposed to be like a short oo-sound here. And add the s in the end. D-eh-oo-s.

Number Six: Work, word, girl, smirk, horse, pork, fork, porter, ect...
What these words all have in common is the letter 'r'. And that is the cue to the pronunciation of these words and other words of this kind. You have to pronounce the r as something like an i. Instead of work, you should say woik. Woid, goil, smoik, hoise, poik, foik, poidah... If you find this difficult, watch movies by the Marx-Brothers and listen carefully how Groucho (the witty one with spectacles) pronounces. That is the way you should too.

Number Seven: Stuff, stick, stitch, schmoidel
What unites these words and other words like these, is the important scht-sound in the beginning, like you'd expect an old jew to pronounce. Schtuff, schtick, stchitch, schmoidel.