Lost Book of the Bible: The Book of Amish

Advertise the Amishness!!!

Welcome to the "Book of Amish". Before I get started, I would like to note that this is written completely tongue-in-cheek, and is not purposfully meant to offend anyone... just to have a little laugh.

Now, the person who origianally sparked all of this has read my version of the book of Amish, and then went on a rant about it... Something about "copywrite infiringement"... psshhh... ANYWAY, he says that he doesn't want to be affiliated with this, and demands that I tell you it cannot match the joyousness of the true book of the amish, as recorded by the last remaining high priest of the amish, Jon Meyer. (To see the true joyousness of the book of the amish, e-mail the last remaining high priest of the amish at mitch2oo6@hotmail.com) (Oh yeah... you'll be seeing that name in the story later... Definitely... hehehe)
(Best read in the Monty-Python voice... remember? The one with the guy reading from the holy book of armaments?..... Nevermind... It's funny without it, but that just makes it better....)


If anyone has any ideas on additions to the Book of Amish (Now that it has gotten going), please send them in a message to me, [M_Sinner].
Enjoy the fun!

Ok... I am going to have to split this thing into multiple pages, So enjoy the "rest of the story" at the following:

 Go to Book of Amish 2
 Go to Book of Amish 3
 Go to Book of Amish 4
  Check out the Awards and Honors at Book of Amish Awards and Honors

This page is in the Competition for the "Wiki of the Month," so read it and give me all of your praise!!! HAHAHA!!! Bow!!! BOW!!!



The Book of Amish
As composed by Yukai, Bard of Someplacetown


Chapter 1: The Creation of the Amish


1. In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And he saw that the earth was good, and put in it many things.
2. When he had finished putting things into it, he spoketh “WAIT A MINUTE… THIS IS REALLY, REALLY BORING…”
3. And so God created Humans.
4. The humans ruined God’s creation, eating of all the cute little furry animals and urinating on the plants.
5. And God spake “YOU MORONS.”
6. And so God selected the few humans that were not evil like the others, and they called themselves: The Vegetarians.
7. God said unto them, “I DO NOT LIKE THAT NAME, I SHALL CALL YOU ‘JEWS.’”
8. And so the Jews were God’s chosen people, and they did not eat of the cute little furry animals, nor did they urinate upon the plants.
9. God saw that the Jews were good, and so he thoughteth to himself, “I SHOULD MAKE ALL OF THE HUMANS JEWS BY EDUCATING THEM.”
10. And so God sent Jesus into the world to educate His people. And the Jews saw this and said, “We don’t like this.”
11. So they killed Jesus.
12. And Jesus was resurrected, and spake, “Screw you guys, I’m going home.”
13. Now Jesus told his father of these happenings, and God looked down upon the Jews and spake, “BECAUSE YOU HAVE DONE THIS THING, YOUR MALES SHALL BE CURSED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT EVERYTHING, AND MUST REMOVE A PART OF THEIR MANHOOD, AND YOUR FEMALES SHALL HAVE SQUEAKY VOICES.”
14. And so God went on with the Jews as his chosen people, but their prayers were many, and their voices were as nails upon a chalkboard.
15. God quotethed, “I- HAVE HAD- ENOUGH.”
16. And he poured out fire and brimstone upon the Jews, wiping them from the planet.
17. And God looked upon what he had done, and he said unto himself, “WHOOPS… NOW I HAVE TO GET ANOTHER CHOSEN PEOPLE.”
18. And so God looked to the French, but they ran away; and He looked unto the republicans, but they were jerks; and He looked unto the democrats, but they were sissies; and so he looked unto the Germans, but they were loud; and so he looked unto the Japanese, and found that he couldn’t figure out their confusing speech. 
19. And so, God said to himself, “I SHALL MAKE FOR MYSELF A NEW RACE TO BE MY CHOSEN PEOPLE."
20. And, taking a clot of dirt, a barn, and many pieces of straw, God created the Amish.
... Here ends the reading... Amen!



Chapter 2 The Law of the Amish

1. And God saw that he must educate the Amish before they became morons, and ate of the little furry animals and urinated on the plants (see chapter 1).
2. And so, he wrote upon the barn wall these laws, entrusting their care to His high priest… Yoder…
3. But the Lord could not call these the ten commandments, for he had given these unto the Jews already… and so he called them, the ten Ammendments.
4.  The first law reads thus: “Thou shalt not eat of the little furry animals, nor shalt thou urinate upon the plants, lest thou become morons.”
5.  The second Law reads thus: “Nor shalt thou eat of the little piggies, for thou art what thou eatest, nor shalt thou eat of the cows, for they give unto you the milk, and the milk is very good.”
6.  The third law reads thus: “Thou shalt urinate into the waters, for the plants cannot be urinated upon.”
7.  The fourth law reads thus: “Thou shalt not eat of the fishes, because thou hast urinated upon them.”
8.  The fifth law reads thus: “Thou shalt not drink of the water, for thou hast urinated into it; instead, thou shalt drink of the milk of the cows… for it is very good.”
9.  The sixth law reads thus: “Thou shalt not eat of the grains of the fields, for it went into your creation.”
10.  The seventh law reads thus: : "Thou shalt cover thine heads and arms, lest thou be burned and appear as a cherry."
11. The eigth law reads thus: “Thou shalt not walk upon the roads, lest the evil ‘vehicles’ of the morons dash you assunder.”
12. The ninth law reads thus: “Thou shalt honor the high priest, by giving him stuff every Sunday.”
13. The tenth law reads thus: “Thou shalt not kill Jesus.”
14. The twelfth law reads thus…. Here ends the reading…. Amen!




Chapter 3 The Seven Deadly Sins: The Sin of Gluttony

1. And God looked down upon his people, and saw that his people could eat of nothing.
2. And so God said, “I SHALL MAKE A FOOD FIT FOR MY PEOPLE… AND I SHALL CALL IT… GRANOLA.”
3. And so God created the Granola from all of the good and sweet things of the earth.
4. And when the granola had been made, God said, “I SHALL TRY THE GRANOLA TO SEE IF IT IS GOOD FOR EATING.”
5. And God ate of the granola, and found that it was very, *very* good.
6. It was so good, in fact, that He continued to eat of the granola, day and night.
7. And he horded all of the granola to Himself, storing some in His altar for safe keeping.
8. And when he looked down upon his people, he saw that they were starving, and their bodies were thin from lack of food.
9. And so God rained down mana upon the people, as he had the Jews so long ago. They ate of it, and found that it was good.
10. But the High Priest... Yoder... Found the hidden granola, and pertook of it... and he found that it was very, *very* good.
11. And he gave it unto God's people, and they found that it was very, *very* *VERY* good.
12. And they ate of it day and night.
13. They ate of it for so long, in fact, that many of them became great and fat in their gluttony.
14. And God looked down again on His people, and saw that they could not move. And so, he slew those who had eaten of the granola, save his high priest... Yoder.
15. And so God made for His people a new gift, made from the sugar, and the juices, and the many chemicals of the land, for his people could not bear the mana any longer. And He called it “Bubblicious.”
16. And he saw that the bubblicious was very good, but did not make his people great and fat, as did the granola.
17. And so God gave them this gift, but cursed them with the deadly sin… of gluttony.
… Here ends the reading… Amen!



Chapter 4 The Seven Deadly Sins: The Sin of Lust

1. And it came to pass that time went on, and the Amish did not increase in numbers, for they were not told how to reproduce… they were told only that it was “icky”.
2. And so, not understanding it, they built many churches unto the Lord their God, praising him for the bubblicious.
3. And upon one of these days of worship, in a church of two stories, Ezekial sat upon the second floor, looking down upon the altar made in the shape of a barn.
4. And, looking down during the sermon, not paying attention, as is the custom during a sermon, his eyes fell upon a woman of blessed features.
5. And this woman, named Nikki, was following not the law to cover thine head, and her hair was down, flowing over her as a river.
6. And her dress was very, very short. So short in fact that you could see… you could see… (Whispered) her ankles!
7. And her dress was… it was… (Whispers with disgust) colored!!!
8. And, seeing this sight, Ezekial became very interested in Nikki, staring at her throughout all the service. 
9. And, leaning over to get a better view, he looked down upon the blessed features of Nikki, and… (said as though it is painful to form the words) he popped one.
10. Now, as the blood rushed from his head to accommodate this unprecedented event, Ezekial found himself unconscious from lack of blood to the brain.
11. And Ezekial fell over the edge of the rail, landing upon the unmodest harlot and KILLING THEM BOTH!
12. And so God granted the Amish the ability to reproduce, but cursed his people with the deadly sin… of Lust.
… Here ends the reading… Amen!



Like I said... I have had to continue this at the following:
 Go to Book of Amish 2
 Go to Book of Amish 3
 Go to Book of Amish 4
 Check out the Awards and Honors at Book of Amish Awards and Honors