2004-10-21 [XX Miz_cutie_91 XX]: finr

2004-10-21 [Kayne]: Finr ?

2004-10-22 [Phenomenon]: not really my kind of story, but very well written. I spotted a few mistakes: She turned around and when (went) back to the television, But pas (not sure but maybe 'only'?)after she slept, I stayed awak (awake) untill 11.30 pm.

2004-10-22 [Kayne]: Thanks. Received and corrected.

2004-10-22 [//.:brown eyed girl.\\]: good storybut at this bit " All of the sudden she is in front of me, in the dooropening" it should be door opening

2004-10-22 [Kayne]: I appreciate it. Normally I write as good as possible but when you write a story it is quite difficult.

2004-10-23 [iippo]: *trying to sound like her literature teacher to get authority* I like the story in general, but you raise my curiosity in few parts, and then don't give anything. Who is Lisle, i'd want to hear more about her. what happened when thomas was lost? why does this guy hurt himself? and isn't it a bit contradictionary that he says he'd never hurt anyone else but then he does?

2004-10-23 [Kayne]: I didn't wat to go any deeper into those people, it would just make the story longer. Lisle I thought was very clear that it is his best friend. And the little Thomas event ; I could go deeper into it but I really thought that wasn't necesary. But do you think it does ? I have an idea when you do. 

2004-10-23 [Kayne]: The fact that he hurts himself is to point out that he is very unhappy. And it isn't really contradictory cause he hasn't hurt anyone before, now is the eceptence to the rule. If you know what I mean. But you do have some strong points and I will take notice from them.

2004-10-23 [iippo]: readers dont really mind if the story is long or non, they're not gonna say to the writer "Your story is too long, shorten it" because the writer is right. but bringing up those two things (lisle and thomas) does make the reader wonder why are they in the story. and to me it seemed that lisle is someone who he has a crush on or is in love with, and readers always want to know about love. And I see what you mean about the hurting-thing, but i'd like to know better why does he do it in the end. just because she irritates him? if people were like that we all would kill our mothers......

2004-10-24 [Kayne]: Mmm oke, I'm not really planning on changing the story but I will keep those things in mind for my next one. More explanations when a new charachter comes in , and more why a charachter does something. Just one last thought : I thought it was quite clear that he really is a afraid of his mother ? Or did I failed to make that clear to the writer ?

2004-10-24 [iippo]: I don't know, maybe my background just is different, (my mother is pretty much like that when she gets angry, and when she gets angry I'm afraid of her) so maybe it was too familiar to me or something. It's just that when writing about mothers, everyone has experience of some kind of mother, it's one of those words that mean different things to everyone. And then there's the whole Freudian element that everyone hates their mother, but even those who hate their mother, love her too...

2004-10-24 [Kayne]: Bleh, never really liked Freud :p but maybe yes you have a point their. I could insert that she hits him but still bleh Idon't know.

2004-10-24 [iippo]: hitting him would break the subtleness... more of that icy cold mothernal love that so creeps me out.

2004-10-24 [Kayne]: I have inplanted that. At least I tried to do it.

2004-10-24 [iippo]: more of it i think would help...

2004-10-24 [Kayne]: *takes notice of comments* :) Thanks

2004-11-03 [Rook]: very nicely written. are you working on more? a novel perhaps?