♥ [Piercedskull]! One of my oldest Elftown friends! You've been arbitrarily selected to be Mort's Member of the Month (MMM) for February! Or March. I don't know. Some month. Now kindly allow me to interview you, because otherwise I'd have to make up your responses to my questions and I've never been all that great at talking to myself.

Damn straight you haven't! You suck!

Hey! Shut the fuck up! I'm trying to do an interview here!

^{_{Bleh bleh bleh... I'm trying to do an interview here... whine whine whine...}}

Don't mock me, you fat bitch! Anyway, back to the interview. So, [Piercedskull]... for years now, you've basically been keeping Elftown alive with your secret contributions and valiant efforts to revive this once thriving fantasy community. Your dedication and perseverance are truly inspiring. Keeping this in mind, our readers would like to know... where's the gold? Huh?! I know you hid it somewhere, DAMMIT! DON'T YOU HOLD OUT ON ME!!




• The gold is exactly where you think it was. In your heart :D




♥ My God... this explains why I have so many heart problems. And to think, my stupid doctor blamed my all doughnut diet and the fact that I do nothing but sit at a computer all day, yelling at people on the internet about corn...

Anyway, what are your thoughts on corn?




• Oh corn, such sweet sorrow. Corn touches every warm spot in my soul, both in taste and nostalgia. But alas, I was under a knife and now... I am allergic.




♥ Corn? What the hell are you talking about corn for? Strange... Anywho, what do you do for fun here on Elftown?




• Sorry. I was sad about corn.

Role play mostly




♥ Who is your least favorite member of Elftown? Is it [Stephen]? Mine is [Stephen]. He knows what he did...




• I have no idea who Stephen is. I dont have a least favorite.




♥ Yeah, not many people know him, he's not that important. Not even Jesus loves Stephen! Assuming Jesus even existed. I mean, given that the ontological necessity of existence must be defined as essential to Being itself, how can such grounding of the epistemological function be articulated without assuming an a priori and unwarranted existential premise? Please respond with a series of complex mathematical equations either proving or disproving God. Show your work. No calculators. Full sentences. Ten pages. Size 5 font. Single spaced. And please graph your function in the form of a parabolic riddle.




• I would but my fiance is asleep. She does math for me. Im an artist. I do not math.




♥ An artist, huh? Me too! Speaking of me, why do you think women can't resist me? Is it because I'm too handsome or is it because I'm WAY too handsome? And why do you think they just can't control themselves around me? I've even tried smearing garbage on myself, but that only attracted them even more! Also, is there a difference between women and flies? I never really graduated elementary school and my school didn't teach sex ed. either.




• Its probably that thing you said. There is! In fact, the diifference iss simple. A fly is a fly. The end. Ninight.




Several weeks went by.




♥ Oh yeah! I was interviewing you!

Anyway, what are your thoughts on the crisis in the Middle East part of Wyoming? Three cows missing in under two months? Thanks, Obama.




• You were? Well then.

No idea. Wyoming isn't a place I'd trust my bovine.




♥ Well, where would you trust your bovine?




• Not there that's for damn sure.




An entire month went by this time.




♥ Oh yeah! I was interviewing you a month ago!

So, anyway, my black friend says you're the type of person who would discriminate against him by saying he's a liar. Is he telling me the truth?




• Is he an asshole? Cause I'll discriminate against him if he's an asshole.




♥ He is, but that's just because he's black though. You know how those people are.

Anyway, you annoy me. We've always been at odds with each other (I assume, I'm at odds with everyone), so why do you think it's okay for you to look kind of attractive? You know I'm the attractive one on Elftown and I think you're just doing it to spite me. Please try to ugg up, so I can be the only pretty one.




• Well then.

Thats okay. You're one of the few. Feel special. I need to look attractive. That way my gorgeous face matches my ladystunnah personality.




It was at this point that Mort forgot he was interviewing her yet again. He never did get around to messaging her again (except to send her spam about Bob's Diner). She did eventually ugg up though.

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Mort's Member of the Month