Poetry Critique and Commentary

Back to Poetry 101

Here you can post your poem, and it will be analyzed and commented on by me, [Aristotle] or me, [shadow_of_life]. Naturally, anyone is allowed to comment on the poems posted here. Don't post if you're very sensitive to criticism. This is not a page for unmitigated praise.

Poetry archive

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Loneliness

Suffering in this loneliness.
Always a dominating shyness.
As lone as the distant gray moon,
And as cold; all my feelings strewn.

Searching for the evasive key.
To let my tortured soul free,
From this icy cold void.
All human contact; devoid.

In my pit of desperate despair,
Shedding countless tears.
My heart is in pieces; broken!
Yet my pain is still unspoken.

What little happiness is rapidly repealing.
Loss of emotion, destruction of feeling.
Therapy, help, it’s all much too late.
My is soul is dead, and that is my fate.

By:[Dil*]
Comments:I've done better, meh.
Criticism: [Aristotle] - I agree :) Sorry, but I don't really get any grip on the rythm here. For example,
"Searching for the evasive key.
To let my tortured soul free"
That feels a bit cut short. Methinks it needs another syllable, for example:
"Searching for the evasive key.
To let my tortured soul fly free"
Then there's the fact that in the middle of a rhyming poem, you throw in two words that don't rhyme at all (despair and tears). Now, I don't mind poetry that doesn't rhyme (actually, I prefer rhyming poetry, but that's not the point), but if you start on a rhyming poem, you should be consistent, no?
I really like the imagery, though. The distant gray moon, the icy cold void, &c. Good work on that!

Comments..hmm, good advice....i'll take it. Tear and despair rhyme...cept' for the 's' i suppose..throws it off.

Dilandau:Ty, erm, i think despair and tear rhyme, but i had an 's' on tears soooo ya >.< I try to be consistent.

Perspective

A man watches a big black bird,
From the loud cawing noise he heard,
“Is it a raven or a crow?” he wonders,
In the rain and rolling thunders,
He wonders how it can fly so high,
He observes with longing, and a sigh,
Trying to see what the bird is thinking,
While observed through beady eyes unblinking.



The bird watches the man and caws,
“Silly human, I’m a crow, with little flaws,
Are you blind? I’m not a raven!
Go wallow in stupidity, in your havens
For time is short, as my life,
I must spend time, with children and wife,
Instead of observing the ignorant, who waste all their time,
Longing for the impossible, to adapt and mime.



A meeting between species apart,
A test of wits and of smarts,
We assume ourselves, the superior few,
Ignoring others, the facts we knew,
Even walking in other’s boots on same tracks
The power to connect, which we lack,
Perspective may reveal something unknown,
But it’s rarely found, never shown.

By: [Doormat]
Comments: One of my newest
Criticism: As always, I like some of it, and dislike some. I like the phrase "observed through beady eyes unblinking," but I don't get the grammar in "From the loud cawing noise he heard." Plus, you suddenly go from present to past tense. Not good. And the phrases “Silly human, I’m a crow, with little flaws," and "Go wallow in stupidity, in your havens" both sound incredibly forced. Like you added the last part just to make it rhyme. I like the theme, though. It's a good idea for a poem, but I think it could have been better written.