The netpaper about Elftowners, by Elftowners, for Elftowners.
The Princess and the Peat Test
By [Kaeirdwyn], Kristie L. Baker
Her name was Princess Inestacia. She had beautiful hair that shimmered with blond highlights over reddish brown loose curls. Her upturned nose dared not have a single freckle on it, for she was a princess of the most royal kind. Her small, petite body was perfect, curvaceous, and lithe. When her eyes lit up with joy, the people could not look elsewhere for her beauty and spark were undeniable. There was no comparison to her in the least. There was only one thing missing from her perfect life. A husband. In her kingdom, she had to at least have a Royal Consort in order to take the throne. Her parents had conceived of her late in life and they were getting on in years. She knew that with time, and perseverance, she could find the perfect husband, who might even be able to take up the kingship by her side and rule the kingdom justly and wisely. However she didn't have time on her side, for it was running out. Her father had caught cold last winter and it had not gone away. It was summer and he still was wan, coughing and tired every night. Her mother, Queen Malestina, was doing everything she could to care for her dear king, but to no avail. King Persimminon was just not getting any better.
Though she worried for her father, she had been taught early in life that the kingdom was more important than its rulers and that it must go on, and be taken care of. So she worried about finding someone suitable to be at her side. If her father's health were to fail, she knew her mother would not be far behind. Their love, the bond between them, was that strong.
She had made up lists of suitors, however many had been crossed off already and the diminished ranks of those who were left hardly inspired her choice. She began to dread thinking about choosing, for the choices were so poor.
Her mother, listening to her chatter on about it in the mornings over tea and crumpets decided that they should throw a ball for their daughter. She had held one for her three years before on her eighteenth birthday, but she had expected her daughter to have been married now as well. It might even take the kings mind off of his illness. She felt he dwelt too much on not healing as it was, and perhaps a positive outlook was all that was needed.
She told Princess Inestacia of her intentions and the princess was overjoyed. It was just the help she needed. She and her mother went over the lists at night of who to invite in all the kingdom, and then her mother slowly held out another list the princess had not seen before.
She asked her mother what it was. Her mother told her, with a twinkle in her eye, that it was the list of all of the eligible princes and royalty in the five surrounding kingdoms. The princesses eyes widened at the sight of all those suitors. Upon seeing how many there really were, they decided to have a week long party-ball. Each night those the princess had danced with would be crossed off the list unless she herself said they could stay on it. That way, those who had come from so far away would be able to all get the chance to dance with her. She invited her ten closest friends. Of course the ones who were already married or engaged. She didn't need the others stealing the chance of the husband she was desperate to find. Her mother told her this was a wise decision, however if the friends were invited, then their spouses would have to be as well, and they really only wanted single young men at the ball.
So even though Princess Inestacia didn't agree with it totally, her mother invited her forty nine most trusted friends who were still courting. They were told they could come only if they would allow the Princess to choose whichever young man caught her eye and heart. Even if it was one they had chosen as well. After each Princess, duchess, countess, and lady had signed an agreement to this, upon pain of imprisonment, they were invited to the most exclusive ball the kingdom had ever held.
The palace had five ballrooms, each greater than the last. Four smaller ones surrounded the main one, which was elaborately decorated with embroidered settees, beautiful sculptures, captivating paintings and tapestries, and also a whole wall of glass doors, which opened up into the gardens. Though nothing rivaled the princess' beauty, the gardens during the summer were absolutely breathtaking. This ballroom would be where the princess would see and dance with each suitor. After she had dismissed him, he was allowed to still attend the ball, but only could go into the four smaller ballrooms. The highest ranking or most trusted friends would be in the larger ballroom with the princess, the others could attend the smaller ballrooms accordingly.
The queen and her daughter were exhausted with all the planning, but agreed they had come up with the most ingenious of plans.
The king was surprised with all of the hustle and bustle about a ball. In his day you had one ball for the princess. However, he knew she had not found herself a suitable prince and so he waved his hand at the shop owners, nodding to prices he might have quibbled with were he in better health. This might be the last time he saw his precious daughter dance, he would spare no expense. He watched every night as his beautiful queen and daughter laughed and talked so gaily over supper, and he too began to smile, and listen to the plans and become enraptured with all that they were doing. He even put in some suggestions when asked for his opinion, which was rare these days. He was the one that talked the old royal chef out of retirement so that he could supervise over the dishes to be made for each day of the week long celebration.
Princess Inestacia had royal gown makers all around her for the better part of a week, making eight new gowns for her. She didn't always prepare for disaster in advance, but just in case something happened, she wanted to have a spare dress in advance.
There was also one last test that each suitor would have to pass in order to be declared royal enough to court the princess. Those that pursue and curry favor at court had long been tested by The Pea, and though her daughter did not know it, the queen was not going to accept just any paramour, even of her daughters' fine choosing. They would have to stand up to The Pea. The princess knew of the test, but did not know her mother intended to use it. Each night, a single pea would be put underneath each suitors' mattress. Those who were true royalty would have noticed and had a horrible sleep each night. Those who were not, would be ushered into the other four ballrooms.
The ball went as planned. Princess Inestacia had a wonderful time. She danced to her heart's content, and also kept a sharp eye out for a good mate, for that was the real reason she was here. By the fourth night, she saw that a number of the guests, even though she had not danced with them, were over at the other ballrooms already. She bothered herself about it enough to put a small furrow in her brow, which caught her mothers' attention.
When her mother explained about the test of The Pea, Princess Inestacia was infuriated. After all, it shouldn't be up to a vegetable whether or not someone was good enough for her or not. On the fifth night she allowed twenty of the suitors back inside the main ballroom who she declared should be able to dance at least once with her. Her mother, furious, tried to keep her busy with the men who had passed The Pea Test, but the princess would have none of it. She knew that the royal kingdom would perhaps have to put up with someone who had not passed the test, but she wanted to make the decision. The Pea Test was just so old fashioned. On the sixth night, she saw that there were ten suitors who she still had not met, and knew it was the queens doing. That silly Pea Test again. She had the ten men brought in from the other four ballrooms. She had narrowed it down to ten of the suitors who had passed The Pea Test and ten who had not. She knew The Pea Test was old fashioned and inaccurate, but her mother insisted it showed the true test of a persons royalty and privileged life.
The poor suitors who had passed The Pea Test looked exhausted and dancing was not as fun the sixth night. The princess complained of this that night to her mother, so her mother told her that she would not test the suitors who had passed The Pea Test anymore, but the other men who she had allowed back in would have to be tested. Inestacia agreed to let them be tested, but was determined that The Pea Test was not going to be how she chose her husband to be. She was able to bring her choices down to three of the men who had passed The Pea Test and five who had failed. Her mother allowed the men who were exhausted to sleep well that night and tested the others with The Pea Test yet again.
At the end of the seven nights of balls the eight men stood before the princess and in her eighth and prettiest gown, she told them that she still had not decided though it was down to the eight of them. She had decided that she would ask each of them questions and deciding upon how they answered she would make her choice.
She asked them all if they knew how to run a government or a household. Several did not. Her choice was down to five. Two who had passed The Pea Test and three who had not. She then asked each one what they thought of her country. Four of the answers were full of compliments. The fifth told her candidly that though her country was beautiful, nothing was ever perfect and he could see room for improvement. Her father and mother wanted her to boot him out of the running; however she liked his answer, as she also saw room for improvement and liked that he had been so honest. His name was Prince Stavin, from a distant land. He was one of those who had failed The Pea Test, though. How would she get her mother to accept him if she chose him? He was handsome, he dressed and danced well. He spoke intelligently, but there was The Test. Her mother gave her a warning look. She knew what that meant. Her mother was telling her not to even consider him. She didn't want to defy her mother, but he seemed like the best candidate so far. She couldn't just discount him on account of a vegetable test that she didn't even really believe in.
So she then asked the five men if there was something they would change in her country and if so, what would it be. She eliminated three of them this way. The last two men had to answer still and it was close. Both men were handsome, smart and seemed like they would be good for the kingdom. Prince Stavin allowed the other man to answer first, who said something about the grain economy and how they should market it better. She couldn't discount him, for he was thinking of the country. Then Prince Stavin said that he thought they should find a better way to pick out their royal suitors, for there had to be a better way than this.
The queen and even the princess was a bit taken aback. She questioned him. Didn't he like the ball? Weren't his rooms adequate and the food prepared wonderfully? He told her that all of these things were very nice, but that he didn't see how she could expect him or the other men to perform to the best of their ability when they were not able to rest at night. She looked at him blankly, and then he handed her the seven peas that had been placed under his bed each night. He told her that if he had not figured out something was under the mattress and removed it each night, he would have slept horribly and not made it into the running either, just like all of the other men. He told her they were exhausted and just happy to be able to get home and have a good night's sleep. He stuck it out because he wanted to let her know that The Pea Test really wasn't the best way to pick a partner these days. He looked at her with a sad smile. She sheepishly looked back at him, looked at her mother, who was a bit red faced with shame about the peas, and then told him that she chose him because he was honest, didn't mind saying what was on his mind, and also wasn't going to let a vegetable tell him what was the right thing to do either. They soon married and the king and queen grew to be very happy with the princess' choice.
The first thing Prince Stavin and Princess Inestacia did upon being crowned king and queen was to abolish the use of The Pea Test to test a persons royalty, and implemented the use of patents of nobility, the genealogical record of a persons link to royalty; which was much more logical and not another person lost sleep over that choice.
back to the TH Issue 13 Index
Stumble!