The Big Event

What it all eventually leads to for most of us, whether or not we have found the truer-than-true-love-of-our-lives, is marriage. There are two bits of evidence that suggest the decision to get married is not always a rational one. First, the institution of marriage declares that we are prepared to live in peace and harmony with one person for the rest of our lives. Second, any decision that has anything to do with weddings can not be said to be rational.

Weddings are like the Olympics for neurotics. Weddings give our anxieties the opportunity to gather together in one place, under the twin flags of Love and Etiquette, for a grand display of what years of bitter experience has taught them. As with the Olympics, the original intent of the wedding has gradually been lost in a fog of social and political maneuvering. As with the Olympics, there are certain wedding "events" that capture the attention of the crowd and bring out the best or worst in the participants.

These events in the Wedding Decathlon can be listed as follows:

1. The Low Hurdles. In this event, the hurdles of parental and peer approval must be cleared. In modern times, the couple usually have been in training for some time and performances together have been well documented. This still does not prevent the neurotic feeling among the participants that some of the key judges do not approve.

2. The Steeple Chase. Once the announcement has been made and the date set, this race begins. A suitable church must be found, and a posh reception site must be secured. This is a tough and even grueling event, especially if a June wedding is planned, because many other contestants are competing for the same prizes. The anxious belief that the setting for the event, rather than the event itself, is the most important thing can cause strife and loss of concentration here.

3. The Invitational Relay. Among the most neurotic of all events. The judges must decided who gets invited to the wedding and who doesn't, and the results almost always cause disappointment and team dissension. Once again, the sideshow nature of this event distracts the couple from the task of Love and sometimes leads to exchanges that are not smooth or orderly. (Look for some reform in this event in future years, especially in light of the infamous Uncle Frank Boycott in Akron, Ohio, in 1980, which almost brought the entire institution of Marriage to its knees when the Ludgen family delegation refused to attend the ceremony until Uncle Frank Ludgen - a well-meaning lush - was invited.)

4. The Marathon. This event tests the legs and the heart of the participants. It lasts from the day the announcement was made to a day about two weeks before the wedding - a matter of months or, when both participants are extremely neurotic, years. There are peaks and valleys along this marathon course, as well and running through high and low attitudes. Participants say that this is the event that tells them more about themselves than they care to know. The race is very anxiety-producing in its late stages. Most finish it, although some are in such a frazzled condition that they barely realize what they are doing along the rest of the way.

5. The Vault. An event for the fathers of the brides. They must exercise agility and legerdemain and grace under fire as the bills start to pour in. The more they have in the vault, the better off they are.

6. The High Hurdles. The strain is beginning to show as this event rolls around. The hurdles are those of self-doubt and fear, and one slip here can put the whole Decathlon in jeopardy. This is where good coaching becomes imperative. The contestants must be told that the team is more important than the individual, that a similar opportunity may not come up again for years, that the weekend plans of scores of people hang in the balance. If necessary, the dazed participants may be kicked over these key hurdles.

7. The Butterfly. A few days before the wedding, giant butterflies appear in the stomachs of the major participants and begin to flutter madly. These butterflies feed on small details that suddenly assume enormous proportions. For instance, if the weather forecast calls for a 20 percent chance of rain, the fear is of a torrential tropical downpour that drowns wedding guests in the church parking lot. If a bartender calls in sick, the fear is that the guests will be forced to stand before row upon row of glittering, unopened bottles, muttering nasty oaths against the families of the bride and groom. What if the marriage official turns out to be a long-winded fool? Do we have enough champagne? Where will people park? There is nothing that can make the butterflies go away.

8. The Dash. This event takes place on the day of the wedding. It is run in a state of high panic, in a wild variety of directions, but ultimately to the same finish line. The Dash is run on a reserve of pure neurotic energy that is so intense it often lights the bride's face up into a radiant flush.

9. The Toss. When the bride tosses her bouquet, there is one neurotic in the crowd of unmarried females who is convinced that everyone is secretly rooting for her to catch it. She is right. Sometimes the bride will feed the bouquet on a wicked line drive to this woman, but more often an over-enthusiastic thirteen-year-old who knows nothing of lost love and heartache will lunge out and make the grab.

10. The Crawl. The final event in the Decathlon is meant for the wedding guests. The reception starts out as a super-charged celebration but, as hour after hour ticks by, it slows to a statelier pace, and finally to a crawl. Points are scored during The Crawl for crankiness, the dredging up of dark family secrets, and food and drink spillage, but the only true winners are the bride and groom who have long since escaped, in a shower of rice, to live happily ever after.

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