The Neurotic's Dating Game

Neurotics usually fall in love with someone first, and then start dating, and then fall out of love. Occasionally they can get away without ever going out with the person they are in love with, and sometimes they can manage not even to talk to the person (thus preserving the love in its purest state), but more often than not a date is a set and, over the course of an evening, the petty disappointments reveal themselves.

And how could they not reveal themselves, given the neurotic's strict standards? A piece of spinach caught in the teeth of a date spells doom. A mispronounced words here, a print on the wall of dogs playing poker there, and the whole arrangement is shot. The truth is, while neurotics are willing to overlook major character flows (a lengthy record of armed robbery convictions, a penchant for dozing off at the wheel of the car), they demand nothing less than perfection in the little things of life. And perfection, in this context, means agreement.

Dating a neurotic can be a harrowing experience, not so much for anything that happens during the date itself as for the inexplicable silences that follow. The date is left wondering what went wrong, but the neurotic knows. The neurotic has been watching, and quietly checking off flaws. Here are a few of the danger signals that can convince a neurotic that Things Just Aren't Going to Work Out.

ON A DINNER DATE
1. Your date attempts to be clever with the waiter - and fails.
2. A strolling violinist comes over and plays as if you are deeply in love when actually it's your first date together.
3. Your date holds the eating utensils like a prison inmate.
4. Your date doesn't finish dinner and then orders a huge dessert and finishes it all.
5. Your date goes into the kitchen to personally congratulate the chef for what you thought was a mediocre dinner.
6. Your date loudly joins in on the singing of "Happy Birthday" for celebrants at a nearby table.

ON A DANCING DATE
1. Your date insists on doing the Limbo.
2. Your date is completly drenched in sweat after two dances.
3. Your date yells inappropriate requests to the band.
4. Your date is a much better dancer than you are and you both know it.
5. Your date seriously injures a stranger on the dance floor with a flying elbow.
6. Your date does a modern interpretive dance to a Jerry Lee Lewis song.

ON A MOVIE, PLAY, OR CONCERT DATE
1. Your date tries to prove he or she knows when the music ends by starting to applaud just before it does.
2. Your date sprawls in an unseemly way.
3. Your date loudly discusses abortion politics while standing in line in front of the theatre.
4. You notice that your (male) date's things are skinnier than yours are.
5. Your date spends half of the play trying to read the Playbill in the dark.
6. Your date answers rhetorical questions that are posed on stage.

ON A BAR DATE
1. Your date seems to be flirting with the bartender.
2. Your date goes to the bathroom and doesn't come out for another 23 minutes.
3. Your date becomes sullen after one drink.
4. Your date starts lighting matches just for fun.
5. Your date absolutely insists on a certain brand of gin.
6. Your date asks people at neighbouring tables for the cherries in their drink.

THE BLIND DATE
The blind date was first practised in the Dark Ages when the chieftains of barbarian tribes used to torture captured spies by fixing them up with disastrous dates until the spies gave in and revealed all they knew. Like the cockroach, the blind date has remained essentially unaffected by the passage of time. Today, in its most prevalent form, the blind date is a device used by happily married couples to torture their single friends just for the sake of a few laughs.

Because neurotics fear the unknown above all else, they find blind dating to be an appalling exercise to which they will consent only to when they either are drunk or have had a few too many drinks. After all, who wants to take a chance like that? Who needs the humiliation? Who says I'm that desperate? On the other hand, you never know.

Here are a few tips to remember when you've sobered up:

   1. Expect the worst. Your partner for the evening has been described as being "nice" or "cute" or "successful" or "recently divorced." Don't believe any of it except for the "recently divorced" part. You are not about to latch onto a prize. Other people latch onto prizes. If you expect the worst, anything above rock bottom will be a bonus.

   2. Looks aren't everything. You've been told this all your life and you've even said it yourself a few times. Here's another chance to put your goodness on the line, even though you certainly understand that looks do help in a situation such as this.

   3. Quickly establish the other person as the "blind date." You will probably be accompanied by the couple who set up the date in the first place. Talk to them, laugh with them, throw in a couple of references that your date couldn't possibly understand. Do everything you can to establish yourself as being "closer" to the sponsors. Dominate the proceedings.

   4. You are not responsible for anything that goes wrong. The date wasn't your idea, so you needn't feel responsible for the conduct of the chef, the band, the movie projectionist, or random strangers you happen to pass on the sidewalk - as you would on a normal date. You might even be able to have fun.

   5. Some things not to do. Don't bring along a book. Don't go into a trance and order double shots of Jack Daniels and gulp them down one after the other. Don't try to make a joke out of looking at your watch after you've been caught doing it. Don't keep saying, "What's your name again?" to your date. Don't bring along a briefcase. And (Thanks to Elftown for this one) don't be an ass.

   6. When you get back home. You may as well realize that, despite everything, your blind date is the best person you've gone out with in months - something you weren't composed enough to see during the heat of the date itself. Maybe you'd even like to go out on another date. Maybe it could even lead to true you-know-what. Only one thing to do: Sit by the telephone and hope that the feelings were mutual.

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