The Singles Scene

No one likes the singles scene, yet everyone who is not married is in it. We all know that the scene is filled with empty-headed chatter, people asking each other what their signs are, desperate eleventh-hour propositions, and the sound of breaking glass. We all know that the only lasting relationships to come out of such nights on the town are the ones between ourselves and our neurosis.

Nevertheless, when Friday night rolls around, the neurotics are out there flocking together, hoping to stir up a little business, trying to establish a little eye contact.

DO YOU LIVE AROUND HERE?
The people in the singles scene are looking for companionship, understanding, and love, to be sure, but first and foremost they are searching for the perfect opening line. Unfortunately, there is no such thing as the perfect opening line; there are merely good ones and bad ones, and the good ones sound rehearsed while the bad ones just sound bad. Neurotics, however, are firm disciples of the opening line. They believe, quite correctly of course, that without the opener there can be no further discourse. What they don't seem to realize is that even a great opening line in no way guarantees that the ensuing conversation will be any good at all.

In any case, here are a few typically neurotic opening lines:

1. "Do you know anything about ingrown toenails?"
2. "I hate this place, don't you?"
3. "Oh! I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else."
4. "Careful! I've got poison ivy on my arm. See?"
5. "Do you mind if I put my crutches here?"
6. "Vell, vell, vell..." (humorous German accent).
7. "Do you know if there's a post office around here anyplace?"
8. "Boy, it's nice to sit down. Do you like to sit down?"
9. "Do you by any chance know what time it is? In China?"
10. "Where did you get them shoes?" (humorous bad grammar).

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