The Unhappy Organ

Recently it has become fashionable for one to develop more of an awareness of one's body, to become more closely acquainted with what it is, what parts are contained by it, and how it all works. This is nothing new for neurotics. Not only are they already acquainted with their bodies, but they have been on fairly intimate speaking terms with them for years. During that time (despite the rather one-sided nature of these conversations) a certain familiarity has set in; indeed, in some cases this familiarity has reached the point where important organs seem to have acquired shapes and personalities that are alarmingy Disneyesque.

The neurotic's relationship with his or her body is a peculiar one anyway. It is founded not on any notion of harmony, but rather on the assumption that each organ is a potential killer and that it will kill if given the slightest opportunity to do so. It is a relationship based on fear and false information, the result of which is an interior landscape that is strange and wondrous to behold:

BRAIN
   Appearance: Gray, jellyish mound with ridges. Damp yet somehow electrified. Secret passageways, forgotten regions, frightening depths, disappointing shallows.
   Function: Key. Runs the show.
   Dangers: Air bubbles from careless inoculations, destruction from alcoholic beverages (two beers = 600,000 brain cells), religios cults, junk on television, LSD, comic books, small-town life, filing and collating.

HEART
   Appearance: Not heart-shaped. Pulsating, occasionally palpitating, looks something like bagpipes. Blood all over the place.
   Function: Pumps blood, prompts irrational decisions, fosters true love.
   Dangers: Four-egg omelets, love from afar, the Chicago Cubs, phone calls at 3 A.M., telegrams, monsters.

LIVER
   Appearance: Suprisingly large, slick brown slab. Extremely nondescript.
   Function: Secretes bile, produces liver spots; seat of desire.
   Dangers: Serious, steady boozing, dirty inoculation needles, airplane glue.

KIDNEYS
   Appearance: Two of them, very moist. Shaped like swimming pools.
   Function: Clean blood, dry it, iron it, put it away.
   Dangers: Driving a taxi or a bus, kidney punches from overenthusiastic uncles, hat pins, kidney stones (the worst pain there is).

LUNGS
   Appearance: Two bellowslike items. Can be pink, brown, black.
   function: Air comes in, air comes out.
   Dangers: Cigarettes without filters, cigarettes with filters, something that goes "down the worng pipe," being stuck in traffic behind a bus, "sucking" wounds, textile dust, anything to do with coal.

STOMACH
   Appearance: Never quite what it should be.
   function: Holds food (usually); rates blind dates.
   Dangers: Thanksgiving, bayonet warfare, swimming right after eating, miracle diets, a doubleheader at the ball park, rollercoasters.

BLADDER
   Appearance: Rubbery bag, much more strongly developed in women.
   function: Holds urine, but not indefinitely.
   Dangers: Long movies at which you are seated in the middle of a crowded row, long car rides on bumpy roads with a sadistic driver who won't pull over and stop, long anything, beerfests, tickling.

APPENDIX
   Appearance: Seemingly harmless sliver.
   function: Causes pain, sometimes death.
   Dangers: Camping in remote areas, unforeseen complications during its removal.

INTESTINES
   Appearance: Large and small coiled tubes, actually over 700 miles long.
   function: Conductor of the bowel movement.
   Dangers: Tapeworms, swallowing coins or campaign buttons, bizarre jungle fevers, mysterious obstructions, drinking from water holes that are surrounded by sun-bleached cattle skulls.

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