Tools for Coping
The Whole Neurotic's Household Catalogue

There are other rooms in the house besides the kitchen and the bedroom, and they must be properly outfitted with items that help the neurotic get along in the world. There also are a number of items that are heartily recommended for the neurotic's personal use so that he or she may more easily fend off incipient stress and doubt. Our laboratories endorse the following:

1. The White Noise Box. A product made exclusively for neurotics, the box emits an inoffensive droning noise that is meant to block out potentially maddening sounds such as rustling leaves, dogs barking in the distance, and someone trying to jimmy open the front door. A necessity for those who seek the ambience of the womb in later life.

2. Eyeshades. So that not even the tiniest sliver of light can intrude upon the innocent dreams of night. Particularly useful if you dream you are a guest on "The Price is Right."

3. An atomizer. Fill it with anything you may want to spray into your throat. One of the great tools for self-coddling.

4. Gigantic crossword puzzle. Hang it on the wall in the kitchen or the bathroom and you will always have something to do when you would otherwise go out of your mind with boredom.

5. Telephone answering machine. Neurotics are certain that the telephone rings constantly whenever they happen to leave the house, and, moreover, that most of the missed calls are critically important. The purchase and installation of an answering machine will prove both of those theories to be incorrect.

6. A sun visor for the sun visor. Driving directly into the setting or rising sun can be a very upsetting experience. This handy, tinted attachment hooks onto your car's regular sun visor and, combined with sunglasses and a tinted windshield, makes it always seem like it's dark.

7. Nose plugs. The use and display of these plugs helps neurotics spot each other at crowded beaches and pools. Better yet, they have no known medical benefit.

8. Return address stickers. There's no real good reason why neurotics comprise the natural market for these items, but they do.

9. Coffee cup with your name on it. A must for home and office. Neurotics abhor the idea of drinking out of someone else's cup and believe that theirs makes the coffee taste better.

10. Giant themometer. Neurotic people usually are very anxious about the weather - they talk about it all the time, they keep their ears glued to the radio for weather updates, they get all worked up over approaching storms. They also feel secure somehow if they know exactly what the temperature is outside. The larger the themometer, the more "offical" the temperature seems.

11. Japanese ball massage. For the relief of psychosomatic aches and pains. Actually, and massage device from a foreign county is okay.

12. Money belt. Worn so that the big city creeps and crooks won't spot you for a rube when you roll into town. Always keep a little cash in your wallet, though, so the crooks don't shoot you for disappointing them.

13. Vibrating foot bath. Ironically, "tired" feet can keep you awake at night. This nicely humming and rippling item should clear up the problem.

14. Pedometer. Why should you obsessively count your steps from place to place when you can just carry this little item to do the job for you? Great for neurotic joggers who must know to the nearest foot how far they've run so they can enter the distance into the little chart they keep in the bedroom.

15. Rubber stamp assortment. Make a mighty impression on friend and enemy alike with your own distinctive mark. Stamp "Have a nice day" on letters to friends or "Get lost" on letters you send back to collection services. Also, stars, animals, hex signs, and dancing fruit in any color or style.

16. Car cushion/massager. A long-time favorite of neurotics, this device gets air to the otherwise suffocating small of your back as you drive. With the plug-in device it also can be made to give you a gantle, soothing massage until you are so relaxed that you doze off and careen down a steep embankment.

17. Scented drawer lining. For a few pennies more, all the drawers in you house can smell like fruit salad or a northern pine forest.

18. Soft toilet seat. Why did it take so long for someone to invent this? A must.

19. Magnetic extra key. Neurotics have trouble with keys. They either lose them or lock them in the car or don't have the right one at the right time. This nifty device allows you to attach extra keys to the mailbox, auto fender, front porch light, you name it.

20. Spill-proof drink cup. If there anything that gets you more ticked-off than spilling hot coffee all over yourself as you hurtle down the expressway at 6:30 in the morning? Now you can be as content as an infant drinking its morning formula out of a baby bottle.

21. Water cushions for your feet. Simply insert these water-filled pads into your shoes and slosh your troubles away. Amazing "water action" softens corns and callouses, keeps toenails fresh and clean, and keeps between-toes regions free from disgusting foreign matter while giving your feet a minimassage at no additional cost.

22. Elephant barometer. Place this little fella near a window and he'll turn pink if a storm is coming or blue if the weather is going to clear up, or possibly vice-versa.

23. Room humidifier. If you use up more then one stick of lip balm a week, you might consider shelling out plenty for this item. Keeps your lips kissably moist and your hands from getting scaly and red.

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