♥ Congratulations! You've been arbitrarily selected to be Mort's Member of the Month (MMM)! Now grant me an interview or I'll have to make up your responses to my questions.

First question: The fuck you do around here?




• Oh, joy!

Mostly I spam people with diary entries (though I've been slacking on that lately) and attempt to keep <forum:Junk> alive.

By the way, were you aware that Tuesday was Penguin Awareness Day? I'd think that would be a pretty important day for you.




♥ No, I've never much cared for or even been very aware of penguins. So, I understand you have a particular set of skills and you like hunting people down for sport. Tell us more about this.




• I think you have me confused with bears.




♥ Ah, yes. I'll bet you get that a lot. Our listeners would also like to know more about your charity work you're famous for. Unfortunately, this isn't some kind of goddamn radio program, so our listeners can go fuck themselves. However, our readers would be interested in learning what you like doing on the internet outside of Elftown. Is it porn? I'll bet it's porn. What kind of porn?




• Well, the internet is for porn, so of course you're right. Mostly, I enjoy statistics about porn. PornHub has a wonderful blog in which they regularly post the most interesting statistics about porn.




♥ Fascinating! Simply fascinating! But I think that's probably enough questions about you though. Nobody wants to read that shit. So now you get to ask me some questions! Go ahead, ask me anything! Absolutely anything! Anything at all! ANYTHING!




• Yes, exactly what I suspected! Who'd read that crap?

Where were you the night of 31 January 2015? Anywhere near LaGrange, GA?




♥ Um... I, uh... I'm not comfortable answering this question. I need to speak with my lawyer.




• Oh, sure you do. Hows about I get my partner Frank in here, eh? He doesn't like little weasels like you who won't answer simple questions!




♥ Frank? Who's Frank? Alright, alright! You don't need to get Frank involved... I was in LaGrange, but Lisa had told me to meet her there and I didn't know what was in the package, okay?! I DIDN'T KNOW!




• And the Burtron's?




♥ Listen, man... I... I was just the driver, I barely even knew Tom, he was just a friend of Lisa's. He said he had some things to "take care of" and needed me to drop him off. I didn't know what was going on! And then... and then Lisa asked me to hold the package... and... and Tom made me drive him to the bus station... and... gunshots and...




Mort then broke down and started sobbing on the desk.




• Tell it to the judge, punk!




It was at this point they cuffed and hauled Mort away. He told it to the judge, but the judge was deaf and couldn't hear Mort's awesome alibi. He went on to become king of the prison and lived happily ever after.

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Mort's Member of the Month