~WFS! Archives~
For the days of: 1/18 - 1/21
Found at www.satiresearch.com
Global Warming Speech Cancelled Due To Freezing Weather - Al Gore Accuses The Weather Of 'Being Bought Off By Big Industry'
Al Gore was to make a speech in New York on Global Warming and the effects that big industry have on the global environment. However, due to sub-zero weather, the actual speech was cancelled.
"It's the conservative right wing that has caused this weather change," stated Al Gore, former Vice President of the United States, "I believe that the weather itself was bought off by big industry so that I look bad. They are trying to prove that global warming is not real. But it is! We should all be aware of global warming and the possible effects it may have on our planet in the next 25 million years."
In theory, Global warming is caused by a hole on the ozone layer, which allows dangerous heat and gases to enter and accumulate in our atmosphere. This tends to make the temperature rise. The cause of that 'hole' is believed to be automobiles and power plants.
"I don't get the entire Global Warming thing." Stated Secretary of Energy Spencer Abraham, "I mean I'm freezing my ass off here in the east coast and this guy goes around telling everyone that the temperature is rising all over the world. Hey, Al, can you make it rise here too? Please!"
"You may think of this as a joke!" stated Al Gore, "But this is far from a joke. Global Warming is a reality that may end up affecting each and every one of us, including your children. Sure, people thought the Internet was a joke when I first created it. But look at the Internet now. It's all over the world. No one thinks of it as a joke any more, and, I as the creator of it, I'm respected world wide now."
Found at www.satiresearch.com
MARS 2050: PRESIDENT BUSH UNVEILS AMBITIOUS STRATEGY FOR PREEMPTIVE DEMOCRATIZATION AND WHOLESALE AMERICANIZATION OF THE COSMOS
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: My fellow Americans. I come to you today to propose a wistfully feel-good, election year NASA boondoggle of unprecedented scale and coolness. Some may charge that in light of the gazillion dollar deficit I have created, we can't afford it. To them I say, "We're Americans, and we deserve anything we want – especially when we stop lavishing our tax dollars on irresponsible luxuries like antibiotics for grandpa, veterans' benefits, and school lunch for ghetto trash!"
(Applause.)
This is an exciting plan for NASA – one that has evolved over time. Truth be told, my original idea was to invoke that good-looking guy John Kennedy, and come out here and say, "I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before the decade is out, of landing a man on the Sun and returning him safely to Earth. We choose to go to the sun – not in the day, when it's hot – but at night, when it is cooler!" But after much arguing, my advisors have convinced me to focus on Mars instead. And so, without further I-do, I am pleased to present my selfless dream for the future of American space achievement.
Found at www.satiresearch.com
Bush Forms New Political Party
CRAWFORD, TX—President Bush today announced a bold new initiative. In a totally unexpected move, he cancelled his membership of the Republican Party and switched to another.
But he didn't join the Democrats nor any of the others—he created a totally new one. As a large banner unfurled on the side of his barn and patriotic balloons released in trumpeted fanfare, he proclaimed the formation of the Dempublicat Party.
"The Dempublicats," he started, "will be the best of both worlds. We will be all things to all people—and who wouldn't like that."
Sammy, the resident donkey in a pen close by, let out a laugh-like whinny causing W. to stop talking and the small group of gathered reporters to erupt in laughter.
After chuckling along as well, the President continued. "Sure, It'll cost a bunch of money, but the economy is strong and will cover any extra costs. I'd bet the farm on it."
When asked if he'd bet his Crawford ranch, he claimed he was talking only figuratively. "But I really mean it," he responded.
"So whether you're a Republican, Democrat, or even an illegal Mex-can, just tell us what you want and we'll squeeze you in. There's room for everybody in the Dempublicat Party."
As the President left the podium and headed for the house he handed out sodas, nachos with salsa, napkins, bottled water, and heartburn relief tablets. Unfortunately, he ran out of the favors but promised more would be on the way very soon.
It's believed Mr. Bush went inside to make some calls in order to build up his new base; which is what he needs since the the one he already has is becoming more unstable all the time.
Hee-Haw
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Found at www.satiresearch.com
Cosmo Runs Out Of Sex Tips
NEW YORK, NY--For years, Cosmopolitan magazine has been the main attraction of millions of people standing in checkout lines. Along with the impossibility attractive young women on the front cover, there are eye catching headers like: "Big Sex Tips of Midgets" and "20 Sex Tips That Felons Use". But next month Cosmo will not have any more sex tips because there simply aren't any more.
"I remember the first time we were going to run a sex tip story. We didn't even need a meeting or a brainstorming session. But recently, we had to have two hour meetings that really didn't result in anything. The binder on the Karma Sutra was nearly broken," said Assistant Editor Jackie Summers.
"The editors came to the Information Technology Department for us to create a program that would randomly create a bunch of 'sex tips' headlines by using a dictionary," Director of Information Technology, Bruce Teller noted. "The program didn't really work that well. We got headlines like 'Sex Tips of Rambunctious, Edacious Couples'. Unfortunately, such headlines were turned down because they didn't fit our standard 4th grade reading level," Bruce finished as he flipped through the dictionary to find out what 'edacious' meant.
"But during the past couple of months, Cosmo had to hire a university think tank to help us with new sex tips," said Jackie Summers. "This think tank is the same group that comes up with our endless, scientific 'Sex Quizzes'. Some people think we just make up those quizzes -- no these quizzes are well thought out and validated by experts before they ever go into Cosmo."
“One problem that we see in discovering more sex tips is that there is a certain limitation that we humans have,” said research fellow, Dr. McCartney as he picked up some illustrations from the Karma Sutra. “You see position #455 requires the talents of a contortionist and not many people have that ability. Also, we think that #873 requires the person not to be born with half of their lower backbone to be able to do that maneuver.”
Dr. McCartney also pointed to the fact that there are roughly 16,000 tips out there for couples to try. “I know that variety is the spice of life, but if 16,000 tips can't help out, how is 20,000 of them going to help?”
Dr. McCartney also asked some of his colleagues to look at past civilizations and historical events in an attempt to use them to come up with more tips. Tips like “Make Him Explode Like Pompeii” and “Do It Like The Pharaohs” were turned down because of that 4th grade education rule.
When asked what they were going to put on the front cover instead of the headline sex tips, an editor for Cosmo noted, “Oh, probably some more Dating Tips, there are plenty of those.”
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"When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read."
Hilliare Belloc
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
Hunter S. Thompson
"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
Terry Pratchett
"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
Ivana Trump
"In Australia, not reading poetry is the national pastime."
Phyllis McGinley
"It's not a good idea to put your wife into a novel; not your latest wife anyway."
Norman Mailer
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