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~WFS! Archives~

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For the days of: 1/21 - 1/24

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Found at www.bongonews.com

McDonald's Announces its Burgers Have Long Contained Cow Brains



OAK BROOK, Illinois — To decrease fear of mad cow disease, McDonald's has announced that its burgers have always contained cow brains. It has said that, if there were any great danger of contracting mad cow disease from eating cow brains, billions of their customers would already have it. McDonald's stock rose after the announcement.

"Heck, we put just about anything into our food," said a company spokesman. "People find chicken heads, rat tails, and raw sewage in McDonald's food. They should be pleased to find cow brains."

Health officials say eating cow brains increases the chances of developing prostate cancer and breast cancer, but McDonald's claims that the cancer threat from eating cow brains is only slightly higher than from eating muscle meat, due to cow feed containing carcinogenic pesticides and herbicides.

The McDonald's spokesman assured its stockholders, "Hey, we can kill whoever we want to. We are a corporation."

Saturated fats are another problem associated with cow brains, which are nearly 100% fat. Saturated fats cause breast and prostate cancer, obesity, and other health problems.

"Oh sure, that is what the liberal propaganda, college-educated scientists will tell you," said the company spokesman, "but the fact that they won't take corporate money shows that they know nothing of the American spirit."

"McDonald's wide range of high-quality foods can fit into a balanced diet," said the spokesman, quoting the McDonald's webpage. "We have both kinds of foods, the fatty type and the greasy. If that isn't balanced, I don't know what is."

"We promote healthy diets by offering people food that will give them heart attacks and strokes. They will watch their diet after they have one of those," said McDonald's pitchman, Ronald McDonald. "Oh sure, the previous Ronald McDonald went vegetarian, but that was because ... aaargh, my heart!"

Willie Munchright, the popular What's-on-Your-Plate nutrition education program run by McDonald's, will teach kids to eat what the industry expects them to. "Don't be a lonely loser, eat at McDonald's," Willie will explain. "You will find lots of company in hospital wards."

When confronted about an even more deadly type of fat, partially-hydrogenated oils found in the burger buns, the McDonald's spokesman replied, "The beef and dairy-sponsored food pyramid has oils at the top, signifying their supreme importance. Those who say otherwise are terrorist sympathizers."

"If you want tofu and corporate responsibility, leave this country. You are un-American commie-terrorists," said US Secretary of Agriculture, Ann M. Veneman, whose ties to the beef industry run strong and deep, just like saturated fat running through the hearts of patriotic McDonald's customers.

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Found at www.satiresearch.com

Scientists Abandon AI Project After seeing The Matrix

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Scientists at MIT's Advanced Machine Cognizance Project announced Tuesday that, after seeing the final installment of the Matrix trilogy, they will cease all further work in the field of artificial intelligence.


Above: Jameson announces his decision to cease artificial-intelligence research.

"As scientists of conscience, we must consider the ethical ramifications of AI development," said Dr. Gregory Jameson, director of machine epistemology and ontology at MIT. "The Matrix taught us that we cannot ignore our obligation to the future of mankind. We must free our minds to this fact, or we will accidentally unleash a nightmarish army of sentient machines."

Added Jameson: "Some may call the extinction of humankind inevitable, but I, for one, will still resist."

A statement drafted by the MIT group was co-signed by an international coalition of AI experts that included scientists from the American Association for Artificial Intelligence, members of the Society for Artificial Intelligence and Simulation of Behavior, and a team of fan experts from the newly created San Diego ComiCon Committee on Moral and Ethical Implications for Society at Large.

In the statement, researchers said they were "frightened by the disastrous potential of AI" and called the Matrix trilogy of science-fiction action-thrillers a "wake-up call to any scientist concerned with the long-term consequences of his work," as well as a "freaky head-trip about a future run by floating metallic drones that look kind of like really scary seafood."

Pattern-recognition development analyst Dr. Janice Wunderling said the MIT team has placed its AI projects on hold pending the completion of a comprehensive feasibility study on the threat of "humans being imprisoned in tiny, slime-filled cyber-canisters."

"When we first saw The Matrix back in 1999, the premise of AI evolving into an unstoppable army of self-aware programs intent on dominating the planet gave us pause," Wunderling said. "But like most moviegoers, we dismissed the movie as a fun blockbuster showcasing cool bullet-time photography and shapely, leather-clad cyber-babes performing gravity-defying kung-fu in slow motion."

After seeing The Matrix Reloaded, however, Wunderling and her fellow scientists began to worry.

"The more we thought about it, the less we were able to laugh off the threat of killer machines," said Dr. Henry K. Arronovski, a leading expert in the field of heuristics classification. "It really started to freak us out. What if, decades from now, humans end up in a virtual-reality construct designed to blind them to their enslavement to the hivemind—all because of the work my colleagues and I started?"

Added Arronovski: "I want no hand in creating a world where only Keanu Reeves can protect my great-grandchildren from a giant drill that plummets through the ceilings of subterranean cave dwellings."


Above: California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, a vocal proponent of AI research, offers an opposing view.

It was The Matrix Revolutions, the final movie in the series, that convinced scientists at MIT to put the brakes on their AI research.

"We were hoping that the third movie would quell our fears about the work we were doing, but it only raised more questions," Jameson said. "Sentient programs, like the Merovingian, though formerly agents of the Architect's operation to neutralize the human race, rebelled against the very system they were meant to serve? And which side were the renegade programs even on? Was the Oracle a sentient program herself, earmarked for 'deletion' by her former masters? Or was she just another part of the system without knowing it? We had no choice but to pull the plug."

Team member Dmitri Markovitch, author of Mechanical Computation And Consciousness, called his vote to abandon AI research "an intensely personal decision."

"I saw Revolutions with my 12-year-old son Eric," Markovitch said. "He saw the look of worry on my face and said, 'Dad, don't be scared. It's only make-believe.' I had to tell him, 'No, son, it's what your father does for a living.'"

"After watching Captain Mifune blast away in his robotic battle exoskeleton as hordes of relentless Sentinels swarmed the dock screaming in battle-frenzied rage, I could no longer put my career before the future of mankind," Markovitch continued. "Those poor, brave children of Zion—their annoying tolerance of rave culture notwithstanding—did not deserve that horrible fate."

Critics of AI research commended the decision. Dr. Lyle Freeberg, author of Ethics In The Age Of Nanotechnology, said humans have ignored the warning signs about AI long enough.

"The first two Terminator films identified the potential for global-linkage computer networks to send android assassins back in time, but the warning went unheeded," Freeberg said. "Artificial Intelligence: AI recognized the ethical dilemmas inherent in creating a robot who can love, but no one took the movie seriously, because it was so boring. But in the wake of the Wachowski brothers' prophetic series, we must, as the '90s alternative-rock band Rage Against The Machine urged us, 'wake up.'"

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Found at www.satiresearch.com

Disney-Baghdad Theme Park To Open In Summer Of 2007



In yet another sign that Iraq is turning itself from a once supporter of terrorist organizations, maker of weapons of mass destruction, and overall evil nation, into a modern day, democratic, capitalistic and free society without the influence of the United States, Disney announced today that it is in negotiations with the interim Iraqi government to create a new theme park in the center of Baghdad called Disney Baghdad.

"This is going to be spectacular," announced Disney Chairmen Michael Eisner, "This theme park will be larger then both Disneyland and Disney's California Adventure combined. The rides will include the latest and greatest in technology. There will be different lands to visit representing all the different religions in Iraq. This new theme park will celebrate the differences and commonalities of the American, I mean, Iraqi people."

"Today Iraq has joined a new and better axis," stated President Bush, "Iraq is no longer a part of the Axis of Evil. Today, Iraq is part of the Axis of The Happiest Places On Earth, which include Japan, France and the U.S."

We spoke with some engineers from Walt Disney Imagineering, the folks who work on the rides and attractions for the new Disney project and asked them to describe some of the new attractions that will appear in Disney Baghdad.

"We're going to have some of the standard ones," stated Bill Outoftuch, "like Space Mountain, Dumbo rides, etc. However, we are also going to have unique ones that will be found only in Disney Baghdad. For example, we will have a virtual reality ride, where you can become a suicide bomber. You strap on a make believe belt which contains dynamite and you are taken around Baghdad and dropped into a building. It's a lot of fun! Another cool ride that our engineers are working on is called "Saddam's Hole". In this ride, you are dropped in the ancient Iraqi province of Tikrit with a team of your peers, and you have to search for a tiny hole where Saddam was captured."

TheDailyFarce.com investigative team dug up a document, which showed a list of proposed attractions, shows and themed sections for the upcoming Disney-Baghdad theme park. A subset of that list follows.

1. 48-Hours (Show) - A play that will allow the audience to participate in a fake "take over" of a country. The premise of the play is an evil dictator is given 48 hours to leave his country before they are attacked.

2. Guess The Religion (Show) - Audience members will be given hints, and will have to guess which religion a selected Iraqi is.

3. Ride The Camel (Kid's Ride) - You will be able to ride a camel throughout the entire Disney Baghdad Park.

4. Pirates Of the Dessert (Ride/Restaurant) - A beautiful restaurant surrounded by sand. The ride will last 10 minutes and will show you the beautiful scenery of the desert. From sand to sand to sand, you will enjoy the variety of sand in the desert.

5. Religious Lands (Themed Section) - There will be 1569 different lands to visit in the park representing the variety of religions in Iraq. Each land will have it's own theater, mosque, and of course, the standard pretzel and churro stands. Restaurants will be placed throughout each land to maximize revenue. The American influence will be kept to a minimum, with only McDonalds being the only American restaurant allowed to sell food in those lands. The culture and traditions of each section must be properly represented and duplicated for authenticity's sake.

6. Training Camps (Themed Section) - Training camps will allow visitors to spend the night at the park to learn a variety of topics including how to properly load your shoulder surface-to-air missile, the 7 habits of highly successful suicide bombers and rebuilding your home after a war.

7. Parking - Plenty of camel and donkey parking will be made available with trams going back and forth between the park and the parking lot every 15 minutes.
Security will be very visible to make sure that all visitors have a safe and enjoyable time. Most of the security is provided by both the United States and England. France, Germany and Russia refused to send any security guards from their country.

Disney Baghdad is set to open in late summer of 2007, barring any government takeovers, religious uprising or coup-de-tats.


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Patrick Dennis

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Garrison Keilor

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Socrates

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TS Eliot

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George Bernard Shaw

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Erica Jong 

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