Tune in every few days for some really funny stuff found on the internet...
Its not just for porn anymore!
Feel free to send me the stuff you find! I will add it to the next Issue and credit your name above it!
Send your Funny Stuffs (It can be Fake news, True news, pictures, quotes or any other funny stuff you find on the internet)to my, [Davorah], Message box!
Send the website that you found them at too please!
For the days of: 2/13 - 2/16
Found at www.satiresearch.com
Mike Tyson makes it Campbell's instead
FARMINGTON, Conn. (sPERTS.net) – Iron Mike, meet minestrone chicken with wild rice.
Former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson has been visiting local soup kitchens in the Hartford county area, according to witness accounts. Soup kitchen staff members say that the bankrupt boxing legend initially began eating at the charitable centers earlier this month.
“I thought I recognized him earlier,” Hartford volunteer Micky Wilhide said, “but he was wearing some sort of disguise. He kept his hooded sweatshirt low on his face, so no one could really tell for sure.”
Iron Mike tosses back a cold one with fellow soup kitchen-goers.
Volunteers at various kitchens told reporters that the man believed to be Tyson would come in three to four times a week during the evening rush.
The mysterious bum's identity, however, was not confirmed until Monday.
“I was serving out soup around 5 o’clock that night,” Social worker Ted Jervis recalled, “and I overheard a couple of our patrons talking about the fight that broke out in one of the kitchens across town. Apparently, one guy wearing a hooded sweatshirt completely decked out another guy, and then bit his ear!”
As this information traveled along bum communication channels, it became evident that similar fights had occurred in two other Hartford soup kitchens, both involving the same man in a hooded sweatshirt.
“Just then, the guy we thought was Tyson comes walking in the door. He gets his soup, goes to pick up some cornbread, when another guy grabs the last piece. It just got ugly from there,” Jervis added.
Mike Tyson on his way into the Hartford police station.
Witnesses say that Tyson proceeded to unleash a series of blows to the poor-mannered bum's face and midsection.
Jervis immediately called the police, who arrived shortly to detain Tyson.
“It took a few of us to get him handcuffed and secured,” said officer Patrick Horowitz. “When I was reading him his rights, he said something or other about how he was going to eat my children if I didn’t let him go right then. I told him, ‘Son, you need some serious help.’”
Tyson was taken back to police headquarters and charged with aggravated assault.
According to Hartford Police Department employees, Tyson claimed that the injured man had simply fallen down the stairs, and that no hitting was involved.
Tyson was unable to post bail and is currently at the Hartford county jail. His court date is set for early April.
Found at www.satiresearch.com
“Complete Idiots Guide” Publishers File Bankruptcy
Alpha Books, publishers of the best-selling line of “Complete Idiots Guide” how to books, has announced that lagging sales have forced them to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection today. In an official press release, Alpha cited lagging sales, difficult marketing conditions, and a lack of new titles for the “Idiots” books as a primary source of their financial problems.
Alpha...taking a page from its own book.
When asked for further explanation, Alpha spokesperson William Donovan said, “In terms of why we filed bankruptcy, we had been chugging along fairly well, usually by the time sales of one book dried up, we had another ready to take it’s place on the bestseller list, but quite frankly, after the disastrous PR fiasco surrounding the publication of ‘The Complete Idiots Guide to Autoerotic Asphyxiation’, we realized we had finally run out of topics which we could explain in terms that a three year old could understand. Once our final offering, ‘The Complete Idiots Guide to Home Dentistry’ left the top 40 charts, we had nothing left to publish, and with no money left and no expectations of any residual income from our previous titles, we decided that a restructuring was in order. Because of this, Alpha has opted to hold creditors at bay via the bankruptcy protection, and to emerge some time next year publishing picture books of celebrity nipple slips. We think what happened with Janet Jackson just proves what an immense market there is for pictures of naked celebrities, and since there are always new celebrities falling out of their dresses, we don’t anticipate any weakness in either the supply or demand in this market in the near future.”
When asked to explain why they expected no residual income from the previously published “Idiots Guide” books, Donovan noted that when individual titles in the “Idiots Guide” series of books were published, they would become immediate bestsellers, then after a few weeks, would fall off the bestseller list, which is a typical scenario for many books. However, the books would then encounter a phenomenon unique only to the “Idiots Guide” line of books. Donovan explains, “Let’s say the book enters the charts, ascends quickly, then descends until it is off the top 40 lists. Many books with this track record would then spend some time in the 40 to 50 spot, or would at least take a few weeks to leave the top 100 charts altogether. With “Idiots Guides”, we would see a much sharper decline in sales…once the book was off the top 40 charts, it was gone off even the top 1000 list for good. In fact, it was not an uncommon occurrence for a book to have the #40 spot one week, and fail to ever again sell another copy.”
Donovan did not have any explanation to offer as to why the “Idiots Guide” books would experience this strange and unique drop off in sales, other than to cite the company’s official press release regarding ‘difficult marketing conditions’. To determine what these difficult conditions may be, we’ve done a bit of research, talked to a few anonymous sources, and determined what may lie at the heart of this issue. The problem seems to be the difficulty complete idiots were experiencing in seeking out “Complete Idiots Guide” titles.
One source explained, “A book would come out, and be an immediate bestseller, and all the complete idiots would want it. They’d go to their bookstores, and bam, the book would be featured right in the window or on a well-marked shelf near the front of the store. But what happens when this book leaves it’s featured spot and is shelved along with the other titles? Think about it from the perspective of a complete idiot. Let’s say you’re looking for “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Golf”, you go into a bookstore, and the book isn’t in the front of the store, and there are a lot of books, so where do you look? First if you’re like most complete idiots, you look under I for idiot, C for complete, and stretching it, you might even look under M for moron, N for nimrod, D for dolt, S for stupid, and in some cases with the really idiotic, they’ll even try E for imbecile. Sometimes in less organized bookstores an idiot might luck out by looking under G for guide or golf, but in most bookstores, these books would be shelved with sports or recreation books, and what complete idiot’s even going to think of that?
“These idiots maybe come into the store wanting to know about 3 or 4 topics, and just expect to find all the “Idiots Guide” books shelved together in an easy to locate area, so they ask to be pointed to the idiot’s section. It doesn’t help matters when a smart-ass cashier at Waldenbooks says that the idiot’s section would be located across the mall corridor in the B. Dalton, he may be making a joke, but 99 out of 100 idiots will believe him and leave the store immediately, only to be directed by their smart-ass clerk to a Border’s across town, which in turn sends them to Barnes and Noble, which leads them back to Waldenbooks. After visiting each store 9 or 10 times, most idiots will give up and borrow the book from the library where they can actually get a person to find it for them. Some idiots have learned to use the internet and could do their book shopping online where they could possibly find these titles by searching on the word idiot, but usually idiots new to the internet are ripped off by the Nigerian Bank Transfer email early on, and end up not trusting the safety of internet shopping enough to complete the purchase. So they end up in the bricks and mortar store, only to have their idiocy exploited for the amusement of bored seventeen year olds.”
Found at www.satiresearch.com
President George Bush's Military Payroll Records' Authenticity Questioned
In an effort to stop any potential questions or accusations about President Bush's Vietnam-era service in the Air National Guard, the White House today released military payroll records to show that he was in service in the early '70s. Payroll records show that President Bush was paid for service in 1972.
However, some people are very cynical and believe that the White House has fabricated those documents. "It's a bunch of bs if you ask me," stated an aide at the White House who wished to remain anonymous, "I don't believe those papers are real. First of all, just because he was paid does not mean he actually reported for Guard duty in Alabama. He was campaigning for the Senate back then. Second, and the most important fact, I've personally looked at those payroll documents. At the very bottom of them, there was a copyright symbol. I looked at it closely and it read 'Copyright By Intuit - Quicken 2004 - All Rights Reserved'. These documents were produced using Quicken and version 2004 at that! There was no Quicken back in 1972. I think someone really messed up on this one!"
"These documents show very clearly that President Bush fulfilled his duties," stated White House Spokesman Scott McClellan, "When you serve, you are paid for your service. And here is proof he was paid for his service."
When questioned about why there are no photographs of President Bush in uniform during that time, Scott McClellan stated, "We are working very hard at touching up, I mean, looking for pictures of President Bush in uniform in the '70s and as soon as our graphic designer, I mean, our researcher finds these pictures, we will publish them immediately. There will be no questions in anyone's mind about the President of The United States and his military record once we are done fabricating, I mean, showing all the available documents."
Questions about President Bush's service has been around since the 2000 election when a Boston Globe article uncovered a document stating that the then-first lieutenant has not been seen at all in 1972. The article stated: "We tried to get a hold of 1st Lieutenant George W. Bush, but we could not find him anywhere on the premises. We understand he likes to go to bar hopping for heavy drinking binges, however, he must show up here for his testing, or one day, this document will be used against him if he ever decides to run for higher office."
"I know the Democrats will want to use anything they can find against me to win the election," stated President Bush, "However, they won't get away on this one. I just proved to you I was there. I even have letters that I wrote to my wife back in 1972 using my laptop and Microsoft Word. I will authorize release of those letters sometime next week."
We asked President Bush about those letters and how could they have been written using a laptop and Microsoft Word when neither existed back then. "Ah…I meant WordStar," said President Bush, "You heard me wrong."
President Bush was then quickly escorted out of the pressroom. We tried to query Scott McClellan about the comments just made by President Bush, however, he ran out of the pressroom as well crying.
Found at www.satiresearch.com
Atkins Diet Founder Died Obese; Wife Admitted: "He loved to eat Italian food."
Dr. Robert Atkins', the founder of the popular Atkins Diet, cause of death was determined to be obesity. The Atkins diet pushes high fat and low carbohydrates as a way to lose weight.
"Most people love carbs," stated Atkins in an interview before his death, "But the reality is that carbs slow down your metabolism and makes you put on weight. If you are a runner or someone that constantly exercises, carbs, in moderation, is ok. However, most Americans eat like pigs and don't move one muscle, except when changing their TV channel using the remote control, therefore, they gain weight just by looking at pasta. My diet is very low in carbs, but you can eat an entire pig, 20 eggs and massive amounts of lard if you wish."
The Atkins diet has been in the news for many years and many doctors and scientists question the safety of a diet that encourages you to eat massive amounts of fat and no carbohydrates. "It's all about eating a balanced meal", stated a dietician with the American Medical Association, "If you eat 5,000 calories of pasta a day, of course you will gain weight. But, on the other hand, if you eat 5,000 calories of fat including bacon, beef, eggs, cheese, etc, maybe you will not gain all the weight that you would eating the same amount in carbs, but you will end up dying of high cholesterol or getting a massive heart attack. It's all about the balance."
"Atkins was a pig," stated a senior senior VP with the Atkins Institute who wished to remain anonymous, "I mean the guy would eat none stop and not just meats, but also pasta. That guy loved pasta. He once told me he wished he was born in Italy so that he could eat all the pasta he wanted to and not feel guilty about it."
"My dear Robert really liked food. His favorite was pasta and bread." Said Mr. Atkin's wife, "I remember that trip we took to Italy in 2002. He loved the culture, he loved the country, but most of all, he loved their food. It was so funny, on the way back; we had to purchase 2 seats in the airplane for him because of all the pasta he ate while he was there. We laughed about it all the way home during the flight. I loved him so much."
The Atkins Institute quickly defended Robert Atkins and the accusations that he died obese. "Let the guy die in peace." Stated the spokesperson for the Atkins Institute, "The guy helped so many fat Americans that we should be grateful to him. Can you imagine if we would of gone to war with Iraq and most of the soldiers where obese? We would of lost the war! It's thanks to Robert Atkins that our soldiers are as fit as they are."
The Adkins Diet book has sold over 15 million copies in the U.S. alone.
==============
==================================
"I am the kind of writer that people think other people are reading."
VS Naipaul
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
Groucho Marx
"A publisher who writes is like a cow in a milk bar."
Arthur Koestler
"Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction."
Adlai Stevenson
"All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling."
Oscar Wilde
"Nothing induces me to read a novel except when I have to make money by writing about it. I detest them."
Virginia Woolf
Stumble!