okay i was gone for like a month due to some technical difficulties i barely remember anybody and i had like 39 messages when i got back so if you talked to me b4 and i dont remember you dont worry



bands i love
mcr
the used
armor for sleep(going to the white rabbit in feb. mto see them)
from first to last
good charlotee(even though hillarys messing them up)
jimmy eat world
hawthorne heights
evanescance
slipknot
korn
greenday(the old stuff american idiot bites)
marylin manson
pretty much anything loud,screamy and rock...
ect ect...




Have you ever looked at blood and got kind of a rush...don't deny it if you have..a lot of people do..but they don't want to say anything....you've come to the right place if you do....
"You lie in your bed wondering, what is my purpose...and you ask yourself questions...only to realize that you don't have an answer...yet you hear something in your head telling you what you want to hear...listen to that little voice..."
I want you to ask yourself a question...what would happen if i were to kill myself...just ask it, and try to relate to the humming in your busy head...all the thoughts running around...you can't capture just one..so you rely on them all..but that doesn't work...the whispers are overcomming you...you scream...and then you wake up...sweating..wondering what just happened...that was you releasing things you have once longed for...and to your surprise, you loved it...you can't get enough now...but you have to stop and think...am i losing my mind..or am i okay..will i be able to respond to other people with the dead honesty you once had for yourself...
you don't have to pretend anymore...you know they don't like you...but you need them..wait..no one else can see them...but they mean the world to you...
Do you ever get chills when you are sitting by yourself...that isn't the climate..it's something around you...and you want to grasp the concept that it is something you can't relate to, or can you..
by[razorblade kisses]





Hidden Cuts
I'm lying here
In my pain
The crimson liquid
Spilling from my veins
My friends all hurt me
They didnt care
Their words sting
As Im lying here
I remember the first time
I cut myself
I was in my bathroom
With no one else
the razor blade
Across my skin
Brought tears to my eyes
I couldnt breathe in
I was sobbing
Gasping for air
As I thought of the people
Who didnt care
I fell to the floor
And closed my eyes
Wishing and hoping
That I would die
I woke up the next morning
On the floor
Holding my cut
As my mom tapped on the door
I got up
And cleaned the mess
No one would know
Unless I confess
I went to school
Hiding the cut
Wondering if they cared
That I hated my guts
But they didnt care
Cause they didnt know
That all their words
Hurt me so
The cutting didnt help
But I continued
Angry with myself
The days went on
My pain continued
They didnt know
And didnt stop being rude
I kept on going
Putting up with the pain
Even though I knew
My life was in vain
My whole life
Is a lie
My whole life
I want to die
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
a hug is a hug a kiss is a kiss
but when its gone thats what youll miss
a fight is a fight a dream is a dream
but when its done youll just wanna scream
the fire burns out
a tear rolls from your eye
you wanna scream and shout
but all you can do is cry
the hand you held all those years
is the one that brought you all the tears
you wonder why he had to go
does he think life is like a big show
why everything has to go by so fast
now you no why this never did last
a hug is a hug and a kiss is a kiss
but when its gone thats what you will miss
a fight is a fight a dream is a dream
but when its done youll just wanna scream
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
im all alone in a room thats dark
fighting the urge to add another mark
my tears are flowing my thought collide
the end result ill have to hide
im battered bruised and all alone
unable to fight this on my own
friends used to help me through the day but saw my pain and ran awya
im growing weaker as the days pass
afriad today might be my last
i know the next move is up to me
asking for help is the only key
"stone walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage"
love is a little blind.when we love someone dearly, we unconsciously overlook many thoughts"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the sharp edge of the razor
cuts my skin easily
im numb to the pain
numb to the blood
too numb to realize whats happening
to realize what im doing
one cut follows another
till i cant stop
the razor falls from my hand
blood drips down my arm
tears roll down my cheek
what have i done?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you hear that?
That small little beat
It’s my heart in your hands
My soul at your feet
Do you feel that?
It’s my softy tender kiss
Caressing your lips
Something you’ll miss
Do you see that?
It’s me pledging my love
To you for eternity
Under the stars above
Do you taste that?
It’s my love stricken tears
For something I haven’t felt
In so many years
do you know that,
My love is so true?
I trust you enough
To give it to you
Now do you feel that?
I’m next to you
And this is my poem
For me and for you


[l/i\k/e\s]
eyeliner
liprings
emokids
studbelts
cutting
girls
colorfull socks
kissing girlstehe
music
braclets
kissing anyone in general...im a kissing whore
rainbows


[d/i\s/l\i\k/e\s]
speedos
anti-gay/bi people
racism
fat girls in spandex
im sorry that was mean


ok so im sitting here and my mom comes running out of her room
scream "jess"(thats what she calls me dunno why)"get me some cereal...the maple kind"
and im stil sitting here like wtf maple...scared out of my mind then she runs back in her room...so im pushing things around in the cabinet and all of a sudden cheerios come flying down from the toop of it and my mom stats alughing "attack of the cheerios" and im still like wtf then she leaves






















"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)"

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)
I told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means
(I'm not okay)
To be a joke and look, another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book, but the pages are all torn and frayed

I'm okay
I'm okay!
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)

But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm really not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nerd
He sent me 12 roses one Saturday,
these roses they took my breath away
so perfectly red and a wonderful smell
why he did this i could not tell
he was always so quiet in classes at school
he was called a "nerd" by the people called "cool"
well, they came with a card tied to the box
it read: open the 23rd at 4 o'clock
why the 23rd? twelve days from now
i wanted to to open it here and now
i decided to wait and do what he said
i put them in water and went to bed
when i saw him the next day standing in the hall
the guys were pushing him and finally he fell
they kicked him and hit him, calling him names
but everyone kept walking for this happened everyday
the week went by and nothing had changed
he was still harassed, quiet and ashamed
i tried to talk to him a few times before
but he never once took his eyes off the floor
once in awhile he would look my way
but never a word did i hear him say
the 11th day was here i could hardly wait
i wanted to open it before the next day
but i waited because the note specifically said
that before the 12th day it could not be read
the next day at school i went to 1st class
but where he sat was an empty desk
the teacher walked in and forwardly said
"class, i'm so sorry, but Jason is dead"
i soon found out later that day
he killed himself that morning around 3
i could not understand i was almost in tears
although we never talked, i had known him for years
i got home from school, walked in my room
to see all the dead roses, except for one still in
bloomi picked up the note and held it to my heart
the tears were now pouring
i tore the envelope apart
what i read i couldn't believe
i had to sit down for i could not breath
the note was short, but touched me so deep
i read it out loud while i weeped it said:
you don't know me but i know you.
we met on the playground in 2nd grade,
you let me have your swing.
6th grade you let me sit at your lunch table.
this year you picked up my folder that idropped.
nobody has ever loved me but at least you cared.
i will always remember you, and
for you i will leave a rose.
i wiped my tears and looked at the rose
i picked it up and held it to my nose
so perfectly red and a wonderful smell
it took my breath away i had to smile
there is not a day i don't think of him
i just wish i had found the courage
to be this "nerd's" friend

this poem is so awesome i cried when i found it


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~