Soooooo how many of you on the Interwebs have come across that one house, that one "special" profile, that says something akin to "I am a wicca, ph3ar m3h!"?

*quick count*

Yes thought as much. Most of you reading this it would seem. Okay lets try another question. How many of these profiles have you seen that claim to be vampyres?

*does another quick count*

Huh. Isn't it funny how those two things seems to coincide so perfectly?
So class, what have we learned from today's lesson? Yes that's right they all talk bullshit. Full marks for all. Have a gold star.

First of all, it is spelt Vampire.
I have had some people tell me that there are such things as "vampyres" and that I am merely closed minded and arrogant. Since then I have been converted to the belief in their existence. I have come to the conclusion that they are the dyslexic cousins of the vampire breed.

Learne to spelle the wordes.

It's as silly and unnecessary as those people who spell magic "magyk" because it makes it more mysterious and helps defines the different levels and types of mag(yk)c being used. The only thing mysterious about these people will be their deaths to which no traceable evidence back to me. (I'm afraid I can't let you leave this wiki alive now.)

But let us first look at what a vampire is before I tell you exactly why you are not one, and why you need to get a life :)

Vampires are mythical folkloric creatures, typically held to be the re-animated corpses of human beings and said to subsist on human and/or animal blood (hematophagy), often having unnatural powers, heightened bodily functions and/or the ability to physically transform. Some cultures have myths of non-human vampires, such as demons or animals such as bats; dogs and occasionally spiders. Vampires are often described as having a variety of additional powers and character traits, extremely variable and reliant upon the place of the tradition.

Vampirism is the practice of drinking blood from a person/animal. Vampires are said to mainly bite the victim's neck, extracting the blood from a main artery. (Om nom nom...) In folklore and popular culture, the action generally entails to the belief that one can gain supernatural powers by drinking human blood. The historical practice of vampirism can generally be considered a more specific and less commonly occurring form of cannibalism. The consumption of anothers blood (and/or flesh) has been used as a tactic of psychological warfare intended to terrorise the enemy, and it can be used to reflect various spiritual beliefs as well.

(Yay for wikipedia. Where if you want to know more, look up the term Vampirism)

So. How many of you people out there who claim to be vampires, sorry sorry, vampyres, have died, risen from your graves and started hunting the living for their blood to sustain yourself? (ooh Virgin Vintage, a rarity.) Oh...I see...none of you...well imagine that.

And as for you people (you know who you are) who claim to survive by drinking your own blood, how in the fuckery does that even work?!
The whole point of being a vampire is that you need the blood of other people to make your own sustainable. Morons. Drinking your own blood is like waisting water in a drought, you're going to need to replace it, keep it in you, stop drinking your own worthless blood that is supposedly not enough to keep you alive in the first place.

Now...here's a thought for you. I am, by medical definition, a vampire :)

I can hear the murmuring in the back...Dela has finally cracked under the strain. The stupidity has finally caused her to flip her lid. But wait, allow me to explain.

How can I define myself as a vampire?

-I have a blood disorder known as anemia.
-I have died several times, hopefully for the last time. (I intend to live forever from here on out dontcherknow.)
-I was revived through CPR and several blood transfusions.
-I have very pale skin and no matter how much sleep I get always dark circles under my eyes.
-I have a sensitivity to light.

Now the actual condition for vampires is known as Porphyria - a condition that causes pale, flaky skin and sensitivity towards sunlight. Sufferers were also severely anemic, and cases have been documented where they tried to alleviate their symptoms by drinking living blood..

Now, I know I don't actually have Porphyria, but well...a constant weakness and fatigue coupled with the need for someone else's blood to keep me alive (and thus my powers of Awesome)...sounds rather...vampiric doesn't it? (I had my fangs removed several years ago. I had sharp pointy teeth that grew behind my main top front teeth. At one point I could manipulate my mouth so that I had real fangs poking out over the edge of my lip. I had to have them removed though because I kept bhiting ma tung. I have two indents in the roof of my mouth where they used to be.)

Essentially, I am a "recovered" vampire.
(For any Pratchett fans out there, no I have yet to receive my black ribbon, but "vun drop would be vun too many.")

So you black wearing panda in the overly pale make-up (lets not even go in to the occult jewellery) what claims to be a vampire, do you have any of that which can be medically proven?

I mean technically, technically, a vampire refers to someone who is undead, so in theory, unless I take your head of (N.B: this kills humans too), put a wooden stake through your heart (Again, this also kills humans) or expose you to direct sunlight (...well...it's not fatal instantly...but remember, skin cancer is a big killer...) or steal one of your socks (Pratchetism which is probably based on something else) you should be fine in a few days.

So if you just stand there and try to look half alive behind all that white foundation and I'll wander off and find an axe and something sharp to poke you with and then we can prove that you are actually undead and cannot die. Then by Jove I will have no other choice than to offer you my apologies, accept your existence and shake you firmly by the hand.

What?

Why are you looking at me like that?

Hey now don't back away, we're just getting started!

Oh well fine. Either your a cowardly lion vampire, delusional or your lying. Which is it? Both of the latter choices are much more likely than the actual probability of you being the undead.

Mwahahah I win! Oh..wait...

I should really point out that there is such a thing as the Vampire Lifestyle. Pah, sorry, Vampyric Lifestyle. (I hate you) Which is not the same as LARPers who dress up as vampires every second Saturday and play the characters for fun and y'know, go back home afterwards and get on with living. There is a profound difference in that these people know they are not vampires.

Again, ganked from wikipedia:

The vampire lifestyle (or vampyre lifestyle) is a number of customs and beliefs followed (in various fashions and to different degrees) by a subculture of people who are attracted to contemporary vampire lore and seek to emulate it.

Members of the subculture (vampirists) often prefer the spelling vampyre to distinguish themselves from the "fictional" vampire while simultaneously lending a Gothic or Victorian flair to their activities, yet it must be taken into consideration that not all the members of the so called Gothic subculture carry this lifestyle. They typically appeal to myths about vampires for legitimacy.

Uhu...it should be pointed out that the ritual habits of these people is to drink the blood of their fellow friends via extraction by cuts with razors or extraction by needles.

...at this point this is all I can think of:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyX9zdcU0T0
Everyone has AIDS! AIDS, AIDS, AIDS!!

Ahhh. I think I'm done.

In short:

You Are Not A Vampire

And on a final note as a recovered vampire myself I would like to end this strangely informative rant (why do I know so much about vampires? o.O) with a quote from Pratchett which I feel sums up my feelings on this matter rather well.

"Good evening gentlemen. Please pay attention. I am a reformed vampire, which is to say I am a bundle of suppressed instincts held together with spit and coffee. It would be wrong to say that violent, tearing carnage does not come easily to me. It is not tearing your throats out that does not come easily to me. Please don't make it any harder."

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(c) The Webcomic Bunny @ http://www.frozenreality.co.uk/comic/bunny/

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- Playgans