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ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE ALERT!

What will you do in the event of a zombie apocalypse? This is serious business; zombies will kill you. They are dead. They want you dead. You need to have some idea how to overcome this problem. I am here to help.

First, you need to know that not everyone dies when zombies attack, but everyone dead becomes a zombie. Hence, unless you want to be a zombie, which you don't, you have to stay alive. Trust me - being a zombie isn't exactly the most fun thing there is to do with your time. Anyway, there are a few stages to this type of apocalypse. I will now list them, and the tips for surviving a zombie attack. If you fail any of them, there will be dire consequences! These include, but are not limited to:

I. Loss of store looting privileges.
II. Loss of moving into a nice house privileges.
III. Loss of sex privileges.

Phase 1: The First Zombie

For some reason, you will never encounter eight zombies your first time. There will be only one. You will be getting the mail and bang...zombie coming at you. This isn't to say that zombies move that fast. They don't. Therefore, the first zombie should really not be that dangerous to you if you keep constant vigilance. Just remember this simple 5 step plan:

Step 1: Do not try to fight the zombie. Although he's slow, he's not weak. He wants to eat you, but you probably don't want to eat him. (Unless you like zombie meat, you sick bastard!) Quickly, go inside and shut the door and alert a close friend that knows this process as well. Whatever you do, do not alert the media. They are probably zombies too by now. Famous people are always the first to go.

Step 2: Don’t stand near a window. They're easy to break, and don't require much intelligence to do so. Zombies love things that break easily without much intelligence, and, therefore, zombies love windows.

Step 3: Get a weapon. A kitchen knife isn’t going to cut it. I am talking a weapon. A katana is good, but a shotgun is better. Something to get the zombie from far away. Think distance. Remember, you don’t want get up in the zombie’s grill. Speaking of grills, remember this: Fire is not your friend. Lighting a zombie on fire only leaves you with a zombie on fire. To my knowledge, no stupid zombie has ever been able to use fire without the help of a stupid human.

Step 4: There's only one way to 'kill' a zombie, and that's to take out his head. To do this, you may want to immobilize him first. Remember, a zombie that can’t walk isn’t nearly as dangerous. This isn’t to say he’s going to stop coming, he’s just not nearly as tough to take out. Many people have made the mistake of leaving a legless zombie alone. They tend to not be there when you come back. When dealing with zombies, deal with here and now. They have a way of surprising. Make sure his head is not attached to his body before going on to step 5. Otherwise, all the steps before this were a waste, and you have failed your fellow survivors. Good job.

Step 5: You are going to need to find a base in which to hold up. Notify everyone you know that has read this, (and therefore should not be a zombie) and tell them to drive as fast as they can to your base. Make sure you get a good mix of girls and guys together. This is going to be a long apocalypse. If you have only guys looking down the barrel of an apocalypse, you are going to have a sausage fest. Nobody likes a sausage fest. Not even zombies.

Phase 2: Supplies & Barricades

It's a zombie apocalypse. The clock is ticking. Don’t worry how Zombie #1 found you... the rest are on their way. Forget your neighbors, and forget your uninformed friends. They are zombies now. Your goal in this phase is to fortify your base and stock up on supplies. This is the most important phase to survival. There are 5 more steps to follow in this phase:

Step 1: Assess your base. You need to know your choke points and where zombies are coming in. My house, for example, is a very bad choice for an anti-zombie base. We have 3 doors, and one of them glass, through which the zombies could come through very easily. If my house HAD to be the base, we would seal off the first floor from the second, by barricading the stairs, and barricade the front door. I might also unplug the doorbell. Some zombies can impersonate pizza men pretty damn well. For informative purposes, however, I will use a 4 floor house as an example.

Floor 1 - Basement: Because this floor has no doors leading outside, and only one door leading up, this floor is generally useless to both you and the zombies. If you go down here, you're cornered. We don't want that.
Floor 2 - Temporary Anti-Zombie Zone (TAZZ): While the above floors are key for storage and sleeping areas, this floor is not. It will be used only for a short time period - Sooner or later, somebody on watch duty will slip up and you will lose this floor to the zombies. This isn't to say you shouldn't go on guard duty down here; just stay alert, and you should be fine. As long as you have any doors leading outside boarded up, you should have no reason to worry unless you have tendencies to fall asleep. Be sure to barricade the door leading from the 2nd to the 3rd floor between guard duty changes, so that any mistakes won't cost the whole survival team their lives. Don't waste lives; you'll need as many as you can get.
Floor 3 - Main Anti-Zombie Zone (MAZZ): This floor will serve as sleeping quarters while TAZZ is still in human hands. You will need the space. After TAZZ is lost to the zombies, you should no longer sleep in this room. It should be guarded night and day. By then, you will have lost enough survivors to the zombies that you can sleep on floor 4.
Floor 4 - Observatory/Storage (OS): As the name suggests, OS has the purposes of both observatory, and storage. Later on in the apocalypse, sleeping will also be done on this floor. This room is key - If you were to store you supplies in the basement, you'd be screwed. The zombies would be waving beer and pork rinds, which they do not eat, in your sorry face. This room must have a window in order to serve its second function correctly. Otherwise, this will last a very long time. That is not to say you should carve one out; open holes are good for zombies to crawl into. This floor is where you watch the zombies to find their weakness. This will come into play later in the apocalypse. If all else fails, this room is your last stand. And if it fails to serve even that purpose, you can always jump out the window. This is only recommended in extreme cases, as there will probably be more zombies outside than inside.

Step 2: Break off into teams. Three teams.

Team One - Barricaders: Make sure somebody smart leads this team. This team, obviously, secures the house. This includes barricading doors, boarding up windows, and closing curtains. This team goes to Home Depot, and buys lots of wood and nails. Remember that you must hurry on any trip to the outside at this point; zombies tend to grow in numbers quickly and come out of nowhere. This team will take out all entrances to the house. Close off the last entrance after teams two and three are inside. Here is team one's most important step: Take out the floorboards on the stairs. A small price to pay for slowing down zombies as long as possible. Zombies can’t climb, you can. Don’t give them a walkway to walk up.

Team Two - Weapons: Get some men to do this. I hate to be stereotypical, but women have absolutely NO taste in guns. They'll pass up an ak-47 for a puppy. Speaking of which, you might want to get both. In past instances, zombies have not harmed dogs. You might want to consider strapping dynamite to some puppies and throwing them out the window. This, also, women will not do. If some girl in the group gets unusually attached to a dog she doesn’t even know, throw her to the zombies, or else she’ll later risk everyone’s life to save the dog. Now, then. Make a list, and go and get some guns. Keep in mind that fire is not a good choice. You want weapons that you can use: Chainsaws (remember, though, while these may look cool, they put you unnecessarily close!), shotguns, rifles, pistols, hand grenades (be careful!), dynamite, etc. The bigger the better. Blunt swinging weapons and small stabbing weapons aren’t gonna cut it. You can’t just STAB a zombie. Also, buy more weapons than you need. You will lose some on guard duty. Also remember: you're gonna want to store some weapons in odd places where you could be trapped. I don't know how many times I've been cornered by a zombie without a weapon. I'll tell you right now: NOT FUN.

Team Three - Food: Remember, the zombies will probably kill the electric and water company people. Though the water will still be on for a while, don't drink it. Zombies like to swim in your water. The electricity probably will not stay on. You might get lucky and they will leave the power on, but zombie apocalypses tend to knock out power by accident. Anyway, get food. Not meat. Dried, canned food, things that last forever. You will probably die of hunger or thirst, even if you secure your house right, so food is a priority.

None of the teams should be afraid to steal. If they run into any survivors, be sure to run them down on the situation, and initiate them into the group. Be careful about this, however, as noobs have been known to fuck stuff up. Goddamn noobs.

Step 3: Game plan. Make sure everyone is on the same page, and make sure you know your exits. Figure out who is going to go crazy. Kill them now. If left unattended, this person could leave the door open during guard duty and sell you out to the zombies. Elect a new president. The current one is now dead. Make sure you have a good escape route if things go wrong and a way to get to an escape vehicle. Have it loaded with supplies. Hide weapons at fall back positions. Leave the safeties on. Although zombies have not been known in the past to learn to use guns, you never know. Don't make it easy for them. Remember, you will lose your weapon. Have a backup.

Step 4: Look to your left and right. These people will probably die. This is a zombie attack. Things go wrong. Accept it.

Step 5: Get to know everyone. There can be no surprises or secrets. If someone has been bitten, and you know about it, kill them. In the end it won’t help you to hide a zombie, because they will kill you. You'll be like, "Gee, thanks. I kept your secret, and you kill me for it? You're a real pal." Zombies keep no promises. Also, no one leaves. No one goes to their parents' or to their boyfriends'/girlfriends'. These people should have been prepared. Have the president make a schedule. No one oversleeps. And no one, absolutely no one tries to reason with a zombie. Everyone else is dead. The government isn’t coming; the military might be alive, but they aren’t coming to your house for a long time. It’s just you and your companions. I recommend the buddy system. If you are alone, you will probably die. I don't know how many times ignorant people have let their friend go alone to check out some noise, only to lose them to a shitload of zombies. Think smart, people.

Continued in Zombie Apocalypse Awareness Part 2!



Navigation List:
Zombie Apocalypse Awareness (You are here!)
Zombie Apocalypse Awareness Part 2 (To continue...)
Zombie Apocalypse Awareness Members (Go here to join the awareness cause!)
Awareness Banners (Go here to find banners to put in your house!
ZASP (The wiki we've sort of merged with! Check it out for more zombie action!)



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