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Page name: Zombie Apocalypse Awareness Part 2 [Exported view] [RSS]

2006-01-07 00:57:44

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Zombie Apocalypse Awareness Part 2!

Phase 3: The Attack

Okay. You've got barricades. You've got weapons. You've got food. You've got a plan. This is the part where the zombies try to kill you, and it’s time to see if your prep work paid off. There is yet another set of 5 steps:

Step 1: Don’t be a hero. Heroes tend to die a lot quicker than in the movies.

Step 2: Save ammo. It doesn't matter if you kill 20 zombies... there are a million more outside. Kill only those zombies that are an immediate threat. This doesn't mean that you should shoot the one that's looking at you funny. It means shoot the one that learned how to climb (it's rare but it can happen).

Step 3: Save food. You must accept hunger. Ration yourself. If anyone is eating more than their share, you might want to try and kill them. They are as dangerous as a zombie.

Step 4: If the zombies break through your first line of defense, and they have you in a corner, you are probably going to die. Avoid this by sending only one or two people down for guard duty at a time. You want as many survivors as possible. Don’t worry about getting out. It’s not like you are going to go see a movie. Zombies are at the movies now.

Step 5: Consider the zombie's strengths and weaknesses. Zombies have three main weaknesses:
I. Zombies are dumb. They can’t open doors. They don’t solve problems. They will fall for the same trick a million times in a row. Also, they will TRY the same trick a million times in a row. Keep this in mind.
II. Zombies don’t have goals, except for one. They just want to get you. If you don’t give them a way to get you, they won’t. They will just moan about it all day.
III. A zombie without a head will die. Remember this.

Zombies have four main strengths:
I. They don’t really care about danger.
II. They are durable and can take hits. They can function with numerous body parts missing. Only large slicing or explosive weapons will really stop them for sure.
III. Zombies are impervious to bribes. Zombies don't want your money! They want your brains.
IV. They have all the time in the world.

And remember - If you are bitten by a zombie, you play on team zombie. You have to decide now whether to be noble and reveal this to your friends and kill yourself, or wait and have a nice meal.

Phase 4: Survival

So. The zombies have attacked, and you are still alive? Good for you. Hopefully it's not just guys living again. Remember, nobody likes a sausage fest. It's cool if it's just girls, 'cause, well, let's face it. Everyone likes lesbian scenes.

Unfortunately, this is the longest of the phases. There are 6 more things you must consider:

1: Once the zombies are at bay (if you got this far) you must make sure to maintain your barricades, and stay on zombie alert. If you kill too many, and the bodies stack up, they can use that to get to you. A canyon may seem like a good idea, but eventually they will fill the canyon with bodies to and walk on. They will not do this on their own, but somebody dumb enough in your team might.

2: Food. Like I said before, this will be your worst enemy. Eat sparingly. Cannibalize fat people. Eat the leftover puppies. Do whatever's necessary to survive. Remember, you're not going to be constantly full like those Taco Bell commercials.

3: Boredom. I hope you bought cards or something, because life is going to be pretty boring until you either find a way to stop the zombies, or die. But don't go in the basement, retard. So many people have forgotten that there are zombies there and just gone down to get a flashlight or something. Perhaps some of your neighbors have survived this attack as well. It's been proven in past instances of zombie outbreaks that not just one party has survived. Maybe you could play shoot-the-zombie-that-looks-like-that-one-celebrity! (Careful! Watch your ammo!) But remember: There are no jokes when you are the sole survivors of a zombie apocalypse. DO NOT tell everyone that you are a zombie and start acting like one. It's stupid things like this that get people shot and/or thrown into the zombie pit. Then, you'll be dead. Good job funny guy. It’s you, your buddies and zombies. There is only so long you can talk about zombies.

4: Don’t leave the house: you will die. It is not a good idea to go somewhere other than where you are now. If zombies have randomly appeared where you are now, they will be anywhere you could plan to go. Even the moon. Also, if someone starts to go crazy; kill them. If someone eats too much; kill them. This is lord of the flies on Zombie Island. You gotta play for keeps or it’s curtains for you. If someone questions your logic, question their face. They will understand. If not, kill them.

5: At a certain point the zombies will reveal a weakness, and you must exploit it to destroy them all. It could be that they melt in salt, or that they are scared of cats. Whatever it is, use it.

6: The future. Evaluate everyone in the room. Ask the following questions:
a) Will this person not contribute to life after the apocalypse?
b) Will this person in any way compromise your safety?
c) Does this person not deserve to live?
If 'yes' is the answer to any of these, feel free to kill them in their sleep, and throw them to the zombies. Make up an excuse to tell the other survivors, as you'll need a good one. Now, the most important thing to think about is the last surviving girl. Guard her with your lives, and don't let her go on guard duty, even if she's so retardedly boring she makes your brain bleed. You'll need her for the aftermath.

Phase 5: The Aftermath

Give yourself a pat on the back. You’ve just survived a zombie apocalypse. This is when you've exploited the zombie weakness to the point where they're all gone (still, keep constant vigilance!). Now you get to loot all the stores, move into a nice house and have lots of sex. This is done in 3 steps.

Step 1: Loot all stores.

Step 2: Move into a nice house.

Step 3: Have lots of sex.

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***NOTE: The original concept (and most of the base for all this) was found at http://i8balut.tripod.com/id25.html. I'm not even entirely sure, to be honest, if even THIS guy was the original author, but, either way, I am NOT the original author, and therefore cannot claim that this is mine. I have, however, written a good portion of this, which you could see by reading the beginning (or at least what that author has) on that page.

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One last thing, this is not something to be taken seriously. It's for fun. There are no zombies, and there never will be. If you think this message is unnecissarily stupid, you're probably right. However, in light of recent... messages... I find it necissary to explain that ZOMBIES ARE NOT REAL. Thank you.

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This is a...
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production.

2006-01-01 [nokaredes]: No one's talked here! :O

2006-01-04 [Lethargic Panda]: Shhh! This page is meant for silence. x.x

2006-10-23 [Sedition]: -pokes the last note at the bottom-...but what if they ARE real and we just havent gone through a zombie apocalypse yet?!XD either way,the guide friggin works.though i would suggest a mall or gunshop over a house.zombies suck at invading malls until just before the aftermath.before then you should have plenty of experience shooting zombies,so unless your a fucktard,youll make it.

2006-10-23 [lacklustre]: one serious problem. Killing survivors is definitely frowned upon especially when you think they don't deserve to live. Keep in mind everyone has skills and talents even if they seem useless. Understand that human skin and fat carries much more diseases than antibiotacally treated meats ie chiken, beef and most porks. So cannibalization isn't smart. Learn to cultivate crops and how to purify water. Eating sparringly can help stretch out goods but mind you if it comes it can, it doesn't stay fresh forever. eat that stuff first if it's post apocalypse already. If not go for the perishable ie vegetable and fruit and save the seeds cause you'll need them, soil, water, sunlight fertilizer(Ie human shit cause it's the next convenient thing.) DO NOT BURY ZOMBIES! BURN THEM TO ASHES. AVOID THE FUMES they will infect you and do irrepairable harm to your lungs. And you need to stay alive for a long time. Vitamins are a staple since you'll probably be eating the same things. They also stay good for a great while. Multivitamins are the best. And if you can locate factories of guns and ammo be sure to identify and secure a movement plan and transportation throughout the area. Cause staying in one spot is suicide. Guraanteed.

2006-10-23 [Sedition]: kinda hard to farm stuff when your stuck in a building for god knows how long.and it takes forever to grow shit anyway.plus your ethics need to go out the window,you would like,stop us from lootong and having sex wouldent you?!WE MUST CALL A VOTE TO THROUGH HIM INTO THE ZOMBIE PIT!!hes gonna gag us in our sleep if we kill the fat kid!

2006-10-23 [lacklustre]: yeah well take all soil from all potted plants. Or find shelter out in the country and steal from abandoned properites. It may take forever to grow crops but once it's done, it's done. Better yet take over a farm that already has crops growing. And no ethics don't got out of the window. One must uphold them cause thats how you keep sanity in a apocalyptic mess.

2006-10-23 [Sedition]: ya,fuck that.for one,farms are easy to storm by means of zombie apocalypse,two,farming would imply you have to go outside,which is dumb.and ethics are worthless in the zombie apocalypse,the zombies will kill bambi and eat your kittens and baby.the fat kids go out the window,and so does the guy keeping you from getting rid of the weakest link people,like that chick in dawn of the dead that risked everyones life for lassie.i would of shot the chicken head on the spot.Shadow's survival squad doesnt play that shit.I will end up killing more survivors then zombies becuase people act like fucktards and will ruin it for us.

2006-10-24 [lacklustre]: yeah but you have more range and more land to booby trap. And if your near a source of wood then you have an easier means to keep yourself warm. Also if you pick up bow and arrow you have an easier to obtain supply of ammo. In addition to that you can make pits with spikes and do it for miles and miles. It'll keep you in shape and on the ball provided you don't let rabid sex and pot smoking slow you down. The only "fucktard" is the one that kills fellow humans for no legitimate reason.

2006-10-24 [Sedition]: ...fucktards who mess up the rotation is plenty legitimate reason to execute them,its the friggin zombie apocalypse,does it matter?

2006-10-24 [lacklustre]: no it's not. There is no reason to execute someone who is mentally and physically exhausted from having to hear the moans of the dead or the fact they haven't been able to get up and move around. Rememeber you're human, you can only maintain a certain level of monotomy for so long before you become mentally unstable. Hell that moron who fucked up rotation could've been you. Now let me ask you, would you want to be executed for simple human error? No harm no foul. Espcially when it doesn't cost lives. If you're going to lead then you need to be more professional in your dealings with your men and people that have granted the chance at surviving with them. Cause at some point we all fuck up. be sure theres enough left to pick up the slack where you can't hence why you don't hide during zombie outbreak. You hunt. For each "zombie" killed means one more you don't have to fight locally unless you get a herd in your area from one of the bigger cities.

2006-10-24 [Sedition]: its the zombie apocalypse,all errors lead to death.so the emos go in the zombie pit before they have an emotional break down and tear away teh barricades to make it to the nearest home depot for a razor.and ya,if i went the way of the fucktard,id be a little dissapointed if i didnt get shot,becuase then i would call everyone a bunch of pussies,and throw myself in the zombie pit so i would have a slightly more valid reason to gnaw on their brains later that day.Shadow doesnt play that shit.

rule 1 of Shadow's survival island:no emos.you cry you die.theres nothing more annoying then the contagiuos act of crying.you lower everyones moral with your freaking out and you go in the zombie pit so we can cheer up at watching your somewhat entertaining demise.
rule2:if you drink the last beer,your running outside to get more.if you fail we are pissing on your corpse when the apocalypse is over
rule3:frankie says relax.do it.
rule4:all lovers disputes over things like cheating will be resolved by having the two people line up across the room,then run at top speed and headbutt each other directly on their skull.the winner is the one that doesnt die of hemorhedging.
rule5:breaking any rules means death.
rule6:courtesy flush please,zombies make it stink bad enough already.
rule7:the first person to play any music but metal dies.if anyone plays rap then everyone is ordered to throw themselves in the zombie pit.
rule8:becuase of rule 7 DDR is not allowed on the island.
rule9:limit 1 masturbation per day per person.
rule10:no one talks to Shadow.ever.people annoy shadow,and all your problems are insignificant to him.

2006-10-24 [lacklustre]: 1.There is no exception for emo. You break down I suppose you go straight into the pit too. Everyone has their limits, you do as well. Remember that and forget about it.

2.All Beer spoils, you should know how to brew it. If not forget about it cause that stuff if not good after it's expiration date.

3.There isn't relaxation if you're surrounded. You must absolutely keep moving in the zombie apocalypse. Granted there are more dangers. It'll keep you sane.

4.Depends on the circumstance. To avoid spread of disease. Whoever you wind with you're stuck with until death do ya'll part. Cheating is not acceptable nor are dumb games that result in potentially fatal injuries.

5.Rules will always get broken. So deal with it.

6.Running water is a rarity. Even a source of fresh untouched water is a rarity. Learn to distill, purify and recycle that stuff. So I suggest you either ensure a plumber and chemist survive or learn to do it yourself.

7.Music and any noise past that of acceptable levels ie speech when it's important or in a sound proof room is purely asking to be killed by the hordes of undead or the militaristic raiders that have been roaming the highways, cities and sea ways since the start of the rising.

8.Don't waste power. Only use it to power your implements of cooking, radio and lighting. Make sure to see it that the source of light is conceal and well covered. You don't want to give yourself away.

9.I'm not even going to touch that one.

10.That's an entirely ignorant rule. You're just a person. I imagine your napolean complex would be ended within a few months with an axe to the back of your head. Being an asshole in the zombie apocalypse just isn't acceptable cause it endangers the human race even further.

2006-10-24 [Sedition]: rule 11:throw the guy that takes a satire of zombie movies seriuosly into the zombie pit.

2006-10-24 [lacklustre]: hell now. He's are plucky comic relief. Mind you he'll be the first to die since he's wasting time and not keeping his wits about him.

2006-10-24 [Sedition]: atleast i wont be thrown in the zombie pit (given for the first week or so,as ill totally be getting a kick out of being able to shoot zombies and shit without getting arrested *again*)

2006-10-25 [lacklustre]: yeah well shooting them isn't always the wisest idea. Less louder weapons are ie baseball bats, machettes and the like. Think sharp but light weight.

2006-10-25 [Sedition]: guns are still cooler.unless you find a way to kill people with toasters or waffle irons in a totally badass way

2008-04-20 [The Dark Wolf]: Thats why they make silencers for guns....

2008-04-20 [The Dark Wolf]: and yea lets get close to the ones who want to EAT you.... I would chose loud over close.

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