i can fluently write in; gnommish from artemis fowl, sindarin from tolkien, and runic from ancient germany.

NOTE: don't message me if you're going to talk like an american. i can't take any more "i g2g" or "ttyl" or anything of the sort. type in complete sentences or go the f**k away!!!

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Albuquerque by Weird Al Yankovic

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy, living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block from Jerry's bait shop. You know the place. Well, anyway, back then life was sweel and everything was just PEACHY!!! Except for the fact that every single morning, my mother would feed me a big bowl o' sauerkraut for breakfast. AAAAA BIG BOWL OF SAUERKRAUT!!!!! EVERY SINGLE MORNING!!!!!! it was driving me crazy. so finally, i asked mom, "Hey mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?" And she leaned in close to me, and stared at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train, and she said, "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force-fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 and a half years old. That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun is always shining, the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels are oh so fluffy! Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel! WAKKA WAKKA DO DO YEAH! Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true. Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules on Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize. That's right, a first class, one-way ticket... to Albuquerque! Albuquerque! You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta tell ya, it was really great... except that I had to sit between
two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor. And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore...and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out, and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died. Except for me. You know why? 'Cause I had my tray table up and my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up and my seat back in the full upright position had my tray table up
and my seat back in the full upright position
Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Aahhh. So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophoneand my 12-pound bowlin' ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel. But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn where the towels are oh so fluffy! And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they're clean. Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the A/C, and I turned on the SpectraVision, and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much, when suddenly there's a knock on the door. Well, now, who could that be? I say, "Who is it?" No answer. "Who is it?" There's no answer. "WHO IS IT!?" They're not sayin' anything. So finally, I go over and I open the door, and just as I suspected, it's some big, fat hermaphrodite with a Flock of Seagulls haircut, and only one nostril. Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right. So, anyway, he bursts into my room, and he grabs my lucky snorkel, and I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me." And he's like, "Tough!" And I'm like, "Give it!" And he's like, "Make me!"
And I'm like, "'kay!" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows,
and I took out his appendix and he gave a colonic irrigation, yes indeed, you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook. And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said? I'll tell ya what it said! It said, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator. If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator." In Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Well, to make a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would not sleep for an instant, until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice.
But first, I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car, and I drove over to the donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter and he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want??" I said, "You got any glazed donuts?" He said, "Nah, we're outta glazed donuts." I say, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?" He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts." I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?" He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts." I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!" I said, "You got any apple fritters?" He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters!" I said, "You got any bear claws?" He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check."
30 second dramatic pause.........................
"No, we're outta bear claws!" I said, "Well, in that case... in that case, what do you have?" He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels."
I said, "OK, I'll take that." So he hands me the box, and I open up the lid, and the weasels jump out and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over. Oh, man, they were just goin' nuts!
They were tearin' me apart! You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head.
I believe it went a little somethin' like this:
DOH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me!Ohhh! No, get 'em off, get 'em off!
Oh, oh God, oh God! Oh, get 'em off me! Oh, oh God! Ah, Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh Ohhhhhhhhhh! I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face, wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like a constipated wiener dog. And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams. Her name was Zelda. She was a
caligraphy enthusiast, with a slight overbite, and hair the color of strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me. She said, "Hey, you've got weasels on your face." That's when I knew it was true love. We were inseparable after that. Aw, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito.
So we got married, and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly. Oh we were so very, very, very happy. But then, one fateful night, Zelda said to me, she said, "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said, "Woah! Hold on now, baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!" So we broke up, and I never saw her again but that's just the way things go in Albuquerque!
Albuquerque! Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me, because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream.
That's right, I got me a part-time job at the Sizzler! I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face. Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude. OK, like one time, I was out in the parkin' lot, tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil, when I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. So I say to him,
I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes, "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" So I did. And then he gets all indignant on me. He's like, "Hey, man, I was just being sarcastic!"
Well, that's just great. How was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader, for cryin' out loud. Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy! So what's he complaining about? Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy comes up to me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days. Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big ol' bite out of his jugular vein. And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all over, and I'm like, "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?"
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding and screaming, "Aaaahhhh! Aaaaahhhh Ohhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!" You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know? Anyway, um...um...where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought. Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway,
I know it's kind of a roundabout way of saying it, but, I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is... I HATE SAUERKRAUT! That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandry, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place called Albuquerque!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Subject: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competant President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for Americawithout the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronounciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' or 'neighbour', as skipping the letter "U" is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half of the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced with the suffiz '-ise.' You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronounciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2001) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

~courtesy of [Trillium Wolf]~

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