The Town Herald

The netpaper about Elftowners, by Elftowners, for Elftowners.

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The newest of the town herald’s advisors, the advice wannabees want your questions! So after you finish reading these, go ask them something!



Dear Wannabees,
My neighbor always wants me to baby-sit her 1 year old dog. I like the dog, but she has spoiled him so badly it’s almost intolerable. I have been trying to train him, but after he leaves my house he starts behaving badly again. I have tried to tell my neighbor that some of the dog's behavior is bad stuff for a dog to do ( breaking out of her house, chewing things up, running off, pooping in other peoples yards, and other things), but she just wont listen to me, so the dog cant be left alone in their house. I have 9 cats here that are mean to the dog, and 2 kids that are wild enough they don’t need a wild badly behave dog to stir them up. How can I tell her nicely that she needs to either train him not to break out of the house, or start tying him up outside when she leaves?
~Fed-up with Fido
[demented99]: Dearest Puppy Protector,
I honor you in your efforts to train it. That’s very difficult, especially if the owner doesn’t stick to the plan you have set for it. A canine can’t learn one thing and have its master cancel it out by not enforcing it. Your training will never work that way. There is no nice about it. Just flat out tell her that the dog seems to be chewing and pooping on anything it sees and that can all be stopped with a little discipline. Let her know that you are in no position to handle the dog on top off all your other responsibilities. Ask her “Why not set it out on a chain during the day when it is nice outside?” Maybe some gates at the doors will keep it from running out if she insists on keeping it inside. Tell her to buy him some puppy pads for it to use the restroom on. Those really work. Some chew toys, bones, and extra food will stop all that chewing eventually. The dog will become much better behaved if she attempts those simple things. Maybe even offer to check in on the dog when you’re at home. Then you won’t have that pressure on you, your cats, or on your kids. She’ll have a much happier, lovable dog and she will thank you for it.

[Dil*]: You seem like a busy person, and you are just helping your neighbour out once in a while with their dog. You don't have to help them out if you don't want to. It's not a required thing and if it causes you that much trouble, frankly just let go. You've tried to ask them nicely to train up the dog, they don't take your advice. You can ask them again, but at the end of the day, they have to train it, or just tie it outside. Tell them you're busy and you're sorry you can't help them with their dog.



Dear Wannabes,
I am currently finding myself in a big pickle. You see there is this little green man living in my head and I don't know how to get rid of him. Any suggestions?
Hotel Head

[demented99]: Dear Hotel Head,
A green man in your head, eh? If he absolutely refuses to leave then all you can do is try to make it work between the two of you. Talk to him. See what his needs and wants are. You may turn out to be good friends. If not then maybe there is someone who would actually LIKE to have a green man in his or her head. Ask around. I’m sure someone will take you up on your offer and he would most likely want to live in a head where he is wanted. If he turns out to be mean or boring, then get a doctor to remove him. Tell him you don’t find it appropriate to have someone inside your head. But why get rid of him so fast? It would be a fun thing to freak your friends out with, or just someone to have a heart to heart talk with on lonelier days. Use him to your advantage, and tell him I said hello.
[Dil*]:Little green man? If you are seriously hallucinating like this, I suggest you go see a professional psychologist.
Mr. Advice person screams: Charlie! Oh My God, Charlie!! Tell him he can come back if he wants to. Mikey didn't mean to shoot at him when he was hiding in the alarm clock. It was all a case of mistaken identity.

Dear Wannabes,
I am a captive in my own room! I have been locked in my room and won't be allowed to escape until I come up with the meaning of life. Help me!
Trapped Philosopher

[demented99]: Is this not the question pondered for centuries? Even the greats had no answer. To save you from the confines of your bedroom I will tell you my thoughts on what our meager existence is all about. It’s cramming all the knowledge you can into an adolescent mind and going out to achieve the best you can with that knowledge. It’s about fixing the big and little things as you go. The whole purpose of life is to learn, do, see, touch, smell, feel and hear everything there is, was, or will be before death calls our name. Make of that what you can, and I truly hope it helped.
[Dil*]:
Who locked you up? If someone is holding you captive, try to get a hold of the police and they'll arrest the person. Sounds like some sort of psychopath, I suggest you get help. As in police help. Escape if you can and go to a safe place.

Dear Wannabes,
There is this really hot guy that my friends and I know. He's related to my best friend's best friend, and I've known him since elementry school. He's really muscular and hot. How do I ask him if he likes me? How do I let him know that I like him?
please help me!!!
Meagan17

[demented99]: Dear Romantic Meagan,
Tell this cutie how you feel. What would it hurt you to confess? If anything, he would be flattered. Men are all about ego boosts. If he refuses to speak to you after that, at least you can still stare! As for letting him know, admitting it would be hint enough. You’ve known each other long enough to get past the awkward stage. Get that relative of his to put in a good word or three in for you. Family approval always helps. Flaunt a little if you’re too scared to just come out and say it to your toned up Hottie. Maybe he’ll pick up on the flirtatious vibes and be all for it. You never know until you try, and you don’t want that regret of never knowing when he happens to walk by with another woman who had the guts to ask hanging on his arm. Give him a wink and a few compliments and he may just develop those same feelings. Like I said, if not, you can always still stare.
[Dil*]:With situations like this, I find it best to take the most direct route without torturing yourself for ages pondering if he likes you or not. Telling friends can be frustrating too because they tend to tease and spread it around causing unnecessary hassle. If you really don't have the guts to ask him directly if he likes you or not, get a close friend to ask him what he thinks of you and if he likes you. If you decide to ask him, ask him privately..we don't want dramatic scenes do we? Calling him would work well too.

Dear Wannabes,
I have this friend Ive had sort of a thing for. He has a girlfriend now, so we don't see each other much anymore...but the last time I went to his house, we were laying on his futon and a gay porn pops on...I pretended not to notice and he said it belonged to a friend of ours (who I know is gay) Do I believe this story, or is my crush gay? I'm confused and don't know how to confront him about it. How do I act if he really does like guys?
Homophobic Sheep

[demented99]: Dear Homophobic Sheep,

The fact that he has a girlfriend is a sign that he isn’t what you think he is. The fact that he spends so much time with her that you get pushed out a little is more in favor of him being straight. The porno was the warning sign I would worry about. Would this other friend really ask him to make a copy of it for him? If it was the other friends tape to begin with, then why does he need it copied? Maybe he is bisexual, or just a little bi curious. Why would a straight man with a good relationship record something like that if he didn’t have a bit of skeletons in the closet? Speaking of closets, get that boy to come out if he’s really in. Tell him you’ll accept it if he is. You need to know before you make a move when he and his woman break up. You’d be doing her a favor by finding out as well. She needs to know as much as you that he may not be in to their love experiences as much as she is. As for how to act, your first reaction to him actually coming clean with it will tell all. It is a nasty thing to some people, but that doesn’t make him any less of a good friend. From experience having a gay friend can be a trip and a half. If he’s not, then maybe you can jump all over the chance to be with him sometime in the future. I’d find out the truth behind that naughty movie before I took a step in that direction though. Maybe that gay mutual friend will know something about it. I would ask him about it. Birds of a feather flock together. Another friend with the same feelings toward the same sex would be the first he would go to. If you ask your friend make sure he knows he can trust you with the information and that you’ll be okay with however he truly feels. Also, make sure when you go prying into a secret that big that you are alone and he is comfortable, and that you can make a pretty quick get away if he gets angry with you, or if you get upset with him.
[Dil*]:
It's all about approach on this one. Mention it in an offhand way when the topic comes up. Most guys wouldn't get that offended if you asked them seriously about it, don't make it sound like an insult. The most that could happen is him punching you and afterwards you'll know for sure if he is gay or not. Probably worth it for a small bruise :)

Dear Wannabes,
How does one go about getting a baby dragon for a pet? Preferably a pink one. Any help with this matter is greatly appreciated!
- Big Guy with a Beard

[demented99]: Dear Hairy Dragon seeker,

To my knowledge, dragons are extinct. Especially pink ones. Some say Dragons don’t exist, but I imagine that if they ever roamed the Earth then there are still some being bred on the black market somewhere. I’d search the web, or possibly E bay. You can find anything if you have the right connections and know where to look. Maybe there are some underground organizations overseas that can help you out and hook you up. Good luck with your search.

[Dil*]:A pink dragon? Those don't exist, are you having some drug problems at the moment? If so, I suggest rehab. If you are hallucinating without drugs, then I suggest you see a professional psychologist because I don't have the qualifications to help you out.
Mr. Advice Person says: start by charming a white female dragon. after gaining her trust, try conning her out of a baby after she gets a red male dragon to mate with her.

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