The Neurotic's Bedroom

The bedroom is where neurotics go when they don't have anything else to do. More specifically, they go to bed. But when neurotics go to bed they are not necessarily going to sleep; they are merely "going to bed for a while." This might mean they are planning to read, listen to the radio, plot out certain strategies, sift through old letters, sneak chocolate chip cookies, fantasize, or just lie there face-down in the pillow thinking about nothing at all. Neurotics pass a remarkable amount of time doing just these things, none of which would be nearly so much fun without the privacy of the bedroom to surround them with.

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A Typical Neurotic's Bedroom

1. Glow-in-the-dark telephone dial.

2. Beside radio (by far the most reliable appliance in the house).

3. Mysterious light switch that doesn't turn anything on or off.

4. Bedside table drawer (medicine cabinet annex) containing nose spray, throat lozenges, nail clippers, Kleenex, fast-acting indigestion tablets, rounded scissors, a tawdry paperback thriller, three pieces of toffee, a candle, a shopping receipt once used as a bookmark, a picture post card, and a small jewelry box containing bobby pins, ticket stubs, two safety pins, a metal chain, and a postange stamp.

5. Glass of water.

6. A comforter that cost a fortune but was well worth it.

7. An electric blanket (under the comforter).

8. Smoke detector.

9. A rope ladder.

10. The window that always is accidentally left open during violent rain storms.

11. A heating pad.

12. Books. Ones that you have been trying to plow through for eight months (The Gulag Archipelago, Of Time and The River, Ulysses) and ones that you actually are reading (The Books of Lists, The Spiegel catalogue, Horton Hears a Who).

13. Lamp with three-way bulb that doesn't work properly.

14. Mirror with reminders taped to it ("Dentist Tuesday," "Gift for Helen!!!").

15. Plant that seems to be dying no matter where you put it or what you do with it.

16. Under the bed: two unmatched socks, a pin for an eyeglass hinge, distressing dust build-up, one Oreo.

17. In the underwear drawer: lavender or cedar sachet.

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One Night in the Life of a Neurotic

From time to time, of course, the bedroon is also used for sleeping, or what the neurotic accepts as sleeping. Very rarely does the night pass without incident:

11:06 P.M. - In bed and ready for sleep. Eyeshades on. Earplugs in to block out the sound of a dripping faucet. Thinking about finances.

11:16 P.M. - Turning pillow over to "cool" side. Still thinking about finances.

11:40 P.M. - Switching the radio to an all-night talk show.

12:05 A.M. - Try putting head at other end of bed. Thinking about idealized vacation spots.

12:16 A.M. - Align body more properly with gravitational field.

12:43 A.M. - Asleep at last. Fetal position, with thumb in mouth, lying across the bed.

1:25 A.M. - Nightmare about not being able to find college classroom where a big exam is being held. Head under pillow.

1:34 A.M. - Awake in cold sweat, sitting up in bed, as professor turns out to be Barney.

1:55 A.M. - Resume sleep. Fetal, thumb in mouth.

3:16 A.M. - Dream about sliding into third base in Yankee Stadium in World Series, smashing into lamp, radio, and glass of water.

3:56 A.M. - Third baseman for Yanks turns out to be dream person. Smiling, hugging pillow.

5:05 A.M. - Wake up with feeling that a stranger is in the house. Lying down, peeking from under eyeshades.

5:06 A.M. - Resume sleep.

6:35 A.M. - Alarm ringing, birds chirping, sound of cars outside window, etc. Still asleep.

7:00 A.M. - Still asleep.

9:15 A.M. - Still asleep.

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