Have you ever had a question you just couldn’t find the answer to? Ever been in desperate need of advice? Ever just want to see a silly question in print, and see an equally silly answer below it? Welcome to Whoa! You Want My Advice?? No question too big or too small! All questions will receive my full attention, and you may even get a second opinion from Mr. Advice Person if he feels like chiming in. That’s right, Whoa! You Want My Advice?? can answer any question you can come up with! (Or fake it so well you'll think I know what I'm talking about!)
Dear Advice Lady,
I cant find my keys. I remember setting them down somewhere, but I don't know where. I've looked everywhere! The last time I can remember having them, I was in the car looking in the glovebox for something. What should I do, so my wife doesn't kill me?
- Mr. Advice Person
Dear Mr. Advice Person,
I'm sure they will turn up eventually. Remember when you lost your credit card? Where was it? That's right, it was on the table with all the other stuff from your pockets! (walks out to car) There. Rear window on car. You're welcome.
~Advice Lady
Dear Advice Lady,
My life is horribly boring, I can't drink, smoke, eat lovely food, stay up late, do anything that tires me out, or basically do any of the funnest things in life. I am constrained to drinking weak tea, which is disgustingly like puddle-water, and declining invitations I would have jumped at a year ago. My friends lives are limited to parties, and they barely even wake up during the daylight hours, so my life is growing increasingly more and more dull. GIVE ME ADVICE! What shall I do? :O
-The Red one.
Dear Red One,
Sorry it took so long to answer this, but I've spent years meditating on your problem now, and I've come up with this: You're Screwed.
By now no doubt you have learned to cope with most of that and gone on to make new friends. In case you haven't, I do have some advice in the friend area. Make friends with old people! Old married people, people old enough to be your grandparents. Many old people also face dietary restrictions like you have, so they can commiserate with you. They tire out quickly too, so they won't leave you in their dust on any outing you go on. Any parties they have are likely to be sedate affairs that end at an early hour, getting you home for a reasonable bed time. Most of the old people I know get up around dawn, so there will be plenty of daylight hours to hang out with them. And unless someone has a heart attack or stroke or something equally as awful, they won't be calling you in the middle of the night either.
Hope that helps!
~ Mistress of Geriatric Knowledge
Dear Advice Lady,
Consider the lowly, everyday fishstick. Forgetting for a moment it's actually cheaply processed fish covered in salty, greasy breading, let's ponder the fishstick from the perspective of a child---is it a fish? or is it a stick? or is it actually some kind of mutated lab-grown fungus? I think this deserves an answer, to better entertain our younger children, nieces and nephews. :3
- Pauly
Dear Pauly,
I've considered many a fishstick in my day, and whether it's more stick or fish tends to depend on the brand. Generic ones tend to taste and have the texture of greasy fish-flavoured sawdust, while the good ones tend to be more of a small breaded fish fillet, that you can actually peel apart if you are careful. Served with some french fries and malt vinegar, it can even be really good. But lets face facts: serve it to a kid and they'll dip everything in ketchup and not taste anything anyway.
Lots of kids these days couldn't handle Fried Fish the way we ate it when I was growing up: with the clear shape of a fish. Half the time the heads were still on 'em, and the fins were allllwwwaayyyss the best part, so crunchy and fishy. Mmmmmmmmm. Serve that to a youngin' today and watch the little twerp cry.
-Old Lady Tired of the Diet
Dear Advice Lady,
I ran out of potato chips and became enraged. Without thinking, I took to the streets and bludgeoned a hooker to death with a loaf of French bread. I panicked and chopped up her body and dissolved it in bleach in my bathtub. However, I think there may have been witnesses. I know where they live though, so it's okay. My question is, do you think the bread is still safe to eat? There's a little piece of brain stuck to it. Oh, and it turns out I wasn't out of potato chips, I had just misplaced them, lol. So what should I do? Eat this loaf or get another one?
-Hungry
Dear Hungry,
Been there, done that brother. Only it was over a T-bone steak, it was Italian bread, and I used lye to dissolve her.
Wait, no, I mean, "No Body, No Crime" and you'll never prove otherwise!
Don't eat the bread. Most of those hookers have AIDS, Scurvy and Syphilis, and all that makes the bread taste funny. And pass me a handful of those chips, will ya?
-Takes Beef Seriously
Dear Advice Lady,
Is it true that neckties make men stupid? I wear a necktie with a suit and a coat five times a week, 50-51 weeks a year. Am I slowly sabotaging my intelligence even though I continue creating artwork and writing whether I'm wearing a dragon shirt, my birthday shirt or my sports-coated oxford long-sleeve shirt. Please elaborate . . . thanks!
- Pauly the Guy in the Suit and Tie
Dear Pauly The Guy,
I have met many men who were complete morons, and who were wearing ties. Very few smart ones, but a few. It is possible that Windsor/half-Windsor knots in neckties restrict the bloodflow, creating (or exacerbating) idiocy. However, I've seen many smart men in bow ties. My Grandaddy was a rather smart man(though largely lacking on formal education), and in his later years he preferred a bolo tie. I think that was mostly because tying knots aggravated his arthritis and gout. Anyway, the bow tie and the bolo tie might be safer options.
The safest option of all however, is an ascot, paired with a smoking jacket of course. Every true intellectual of old wore one. So you should totally invest in an outfit like that. You will no longer find editing your work such a chore, because it will be perfect from the moment you type it the first time.
-Sage Ad Vice
Stumble!