Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch.



Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.



Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.



Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.



Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.



Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)



Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.



Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.



Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.



Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.



Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.



Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.



Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.



Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.



Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.



Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
  



According to http://www.deathclock.com
I will die on-- Sunday, August 10, 2064


Deep Thoughts

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.


2. A day without sunshine is like...night.


3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.


4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.


5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.


6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.


7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.


8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.


10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.


11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.


13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.


14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.


15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?


16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.


18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.


19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?


20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.


21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?


22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.


23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?


24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.


25. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.


26. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow




Follow these rules to maintain your sanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses
on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something,
ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone
has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the
prophecy.

8. Don't use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they
answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through! order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape
of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend
their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name,
Rock Hard Devon.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!"
"3rd time this week!!!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot,
yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are
going to have to let one of you go."

20. Put this in all of your profiles.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am tired of people who get in my face telling me that I am racist because I am white! This bulletin is what I have to say back at them, and those that take offense can knock me off their list!

So.....
There are African Americans, Mexican Americans,
Asian Americans, Arab Americans, Native Americans, etc.
And then there are just Americans.

You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction.
You Call me "White boy," "Gringo", "Cracker," "Honkey,"
"Whitey," "Caveman" .. And that's OK.

But when I call you: Nigger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-nigger, Polock, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink ... You call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you,
So why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King
Day. You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day. You
Have Yom Hashoah You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi You have the NAACP.
You have BET.

If we had WET (White Entertainment Television) .. We'd be racists.

If we had a White Pride Day .. You would call us racists.

If we had White History Month . We'd be racists.

If we had any organization for only whites to "advance" OUR lives ..
We'd be racists.

We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of
Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce.
Wonder who pays for that?

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships
... You know we'd be racists. There are over 60 openly proclaimed
Black Colleges in the US , yet if there were "White colleges" ..
THAT would be a racist college.

In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching
For your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights,
You would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're
Not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride ..
You call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer
Shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running
From the law and posing a threat to society .. You call him a racist.

I am proud.
But, you call me a racist.

Why is it that only whites can be racists?

Now watch Im gonna be racist and click Post.

If you ar proud of your white heritage, then repost this now!!!!!!