[~ My Infamous Quotes~ Some have been deleted due to their lack of humor]
1. David: That's the last thing I need...A flat tire and a smashed hand...
Me: Well, at least they can be friends...

2. I feel soo alooooooooooooone!*Natalie glares as John spews water fifty feet away, and somewhere, off in the distance, a dog barks*

3. Me: I'm gonna chug the rest of this milk! *chugs the inch of milk left in glass*
John: Wow....what a feat..*rolls eyes*
Me: Yeah, I'm just dangerous like that...*licks off milk mustache*

5. *Phone rings* Hello?
Megan: Hello?
Me: Hello??
Megan: Hello???
Me: Hello??????
Megan: Is this Hannah?
Me: Yeah..who is this?
Megan: Megan!
Me: Oh good, I thought it was me.

10. Me: *follows john around the table for ten minutes* John...you're my Darling Clementine............now get in the box.

18. Me: I dunno, gay guys really aren't my type...
John: Didn't you like Collin?
Me:...yeah.

20. Me: I'm blind!! ALL I CAN SEE IS WOOD!!!!!!

21. Julie: Aww...Amy looks like a--
Me: SHOTGUN!!! *runs to the front seat*

23. John: Yeah..you and Julie have known each other for a long time...How long? Would you say you guys were around 5 or 6?
Me: oh no, we dont' go that far back.
John; oh?
Me: yeah...just since second grade.
John; Oh....wait a minute..wouldn't that make you two 7 or 8??
Me: That year is a big difference.

26. *John talking serious about his relationship*
Me: ....I think I have cheetos in my eyelashes....

32. John: that would make me very upset...
Me: *obviously not listening* Did you just say that would make Mr. T very upset???

34. Me: owwwwwwwwwww
John: *gives inquisitive look*
Me: John have you even been in the position---- Haveyou ever had---- Have you ever propped yourself---- Have you ever rested on your arm for a long time that it hurts to move it?

37. Me: THE POPE SMITTED MY FINGER!!!!

38. Me: I'll marry you! I'll marry you! Hmm...somehow that just doesn't work when I'm sticking a strand of hair up John's nostril...

40. *Julie is talking*
Me: Oh what? I wasn't listening.
Julie: JEEZ!!
Me: Sorry! I was watching the gay couple!!

46. Me: REAL men kill corpses!!

50. Me: I just want a ooooooaaaaa...*shoves the dangling noodle into mouth from John's bowl*

51. Me: Can I have just another eventhough I just dropped like the five millionth noodle you have given me on the ground again?

52. Me: What's that over there, John? Is that a reindeer by the cacti?

54. Andrew: And you said "I don't like Gingersnaps!" But you walked out of the kitchen with three of them.
Me: I know...I'm allowed to be a hypocrite sometimes!
Andrew: Well...Benjamin Franklin said something like "A genius says one thing one day and something else another and doesnt' feel the need to explain himself"
Me: Was that a compliment?
Andrew: Yes...I think so..
Me: Indirectly?


58. Me: Have you ever noticed how BIG Zebra's butts are?? They remind me of old women!
John: OH yeah, cuz they wear those pantsuits with those patterns, huh?
Me: Yeah! You know....If I saw a zebra in the saharra..savanna......
John: Saharra is a desert, it would die out there.
Me: then I would bring it to the savanna along with a penguin, just to spite you! As I was saying....
John:In the Savanna...
Me: In the Saharra....
John: Savanna!
Me: In the Savanna...if I saw a zebra grazing and an old lady in a pantsuite bending over...I would shoot her THINKING she was the zebra...

65: Sarah: Remember the Friends episode where Monica got stung by a jelly bean and-
Me: Yeah......wait...did you just say Jelly bean?


66. Sarah's Dad: You're an idiot.
Sarah: Yeah! Well look in the mirror!
Me: Cuz she'll be standin' behind ya!

74. Me: *getting into a sunbaked car, reaching for my sunglasses, and in smug voice:* Have fun touching the steering wheel, Julie---*Screams in excruciating pain cuz they were in the sun so the nose rests are fire hot*
Julie: Actually, the steering wheel was in the shade...

78.. Me: I'm mad at you Julie!
Julie: Why?
Me: Cuz I had a dream last night that we were in this huge group of zombies with no chance of survival...and I begged you to shoot me and you wouldn't!
Julie: Of course I wouldn't!
Me: WHY NOT?
Julie: I don't want to shoot you!
Me: Even if I begged and begged and it's what I wanted?
Julie: I still wouldn't shoot you. Why don't you just do it yourself?
Me: Cuz...I'd need to shoot myself until I die. But what if I die before I'm done shooting? That's why I need you to shoot me so you can make sure I'm dead!I don't want to die before I'm done shooting!
Julie: Wait .. isn't that what you wanted?

79. Amy: Where is it?
Me: Is it in?
Amy: I thought I took it out...
Me: I thought you took it out but put it back in?
Amy: I thought I just left it in...did I take it out?
Me: I dunno is it in?
Amy: Yeah...
Julie: ô.o What are you talking about????

81. Andrew: Honey--Jose? *plays it off like "Honey" was never said, and thinks he got away with it*
Me: *five minutes later* Did you just say honey?


83.*Waiter that John is lusting after*: What kind of pizza?
John: Medium
Waiter: Ok...what kind?
John: Medium.
Waiter: What kind?
John: Medium.
Waiter: What kind?
John: Medium
Waiter: no no, what do you want on it?
John: Oh...supreme

85. Allie: When they lose their virginity for the first time.
Me: ô.o
Allie:....and therefore, for the last time...

87. John: *at restaurant still lusting after the waiter*
Me: Oh hey! I got two straws! *looks around....notices she's the only one with two straws* ...that's strange
John: NO!!!!!! I lusted after him FIRST!!
Me: Do you want the straw?
John: YES *puts it in his*
Julie: You do know she ordered Dr. Pepper and not Coke like us, right?
John: This must mean he's straight....and .....HES HITTING ON HANNAH!!!

93. Me: Can we go buy a new Kupo??
John: What's a Kupo?
Me: It's those balls...that kids play with...
John: Is it those inflatable ones?
Me: NO!! They ALREADY have air in it!!


96. Me&John: *playing 20 questions as usual*
John: What the hell? What did you choose? I"m out of questions!!
Me: John...what am I EVERY time we play this game??
John:.....Damn Mullet Monkey...

101. Matt: Snuggles the Laundry bear terrifies me, man. Spawn of Cody!
Me: . . . Cody makes weird babies

103. Julie: Oh hey I saw an ad in the paper today advertising Cross Dresser Bingo.
Me: Oh yeah we should go check that out...

114. John: what's Midol?
Me: It's what girls take for cramps.
John: Really? I was about to take some...
Me: GOnna pop some Midol?
John: yeah...I thought it was a headache medicine. Like..you know...MidOL...TylenOL...AdVIL....wait...
Me: That doesn't rhyme...

116. girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice ^_^
John:and I'll believe that bullshit when I pronounce my love for our good friend Bush.
Me: You don't think I"m spicey, sugary and nice?
John: I think you're spicy! hell yea. but everything nice? are saw blades, spikes and torture racks what you think of with the word nice? actually I do...but thas me.
Me: When you think of my niceness you think of saw blades, spikes and torture racks?
John: I'm talking about all girls. no, you're sugary sweet. jeez... what about this...do you think I'm made form snips and snails and puppydogs tails?
Me: ...I have...seen a tail!
John:omg. shut up...

123. Ali: Ok who gave Hannah the knife??
Me: Actually, it's a Turkey Baster
Ali:..oh God that's even worse...

128. Me: Did I go to the bathroom this morning?
John:....Dammit I was gonna say something but that threw my train of thought off the tracks. You have an uncanny ability to confuse people, Hannah. If there were a spy, you'd be walking down the hall asking yourself "Did I go to the bathroom this morning?" and he would forget his mission. He'd be like "Goddammit I was supposed to do something but WHAT?"
Kratz: There's a spy in our school?

129: Me: Kick Andrew in the dress!
Andrew: It's a TOGA
Amy: You made my corn pants fall down!! (don't ask)

134) Natalie:So........What are you wearing?
Me: Hee hee Oh I'm wearing Pajamas.
Natalie: That's such a weird word. I wonder where "pajamas" came from?
Me: The word pajamas? .....evidently it came from the latin root of pajos..which is "to lounge" and the second part is borrowed from the suffix "clothing" Masso of Spain.
Natalie: Really? I didn't know that.
Me: No. I made it all up. *IMs Josie*Hey Josie, does "Massos" mean anything in Spanish?
Josie: Well..it's pretty close to saying "Muscles" as in, the shell fish.

135) Sarah: *picks up Julie's DVD Remote* I can't work this thing!!
Me: *seductive voice* Work it Sarah, Wooooooooooooork it! OUCH!! NOT THERE!!!
Josh: 0.0 WHAT??
Me: She dug her elbow into a cut on my leg...

136) *Allison, Erin and I talking about growing out hair*
Robert (Allison's younger bro): If I grew my hair out, would I be a lesbian?
All of us: 0.0 how do you know that word????
*hours later in the car*
Robert: Isn't a lesbian someone who wants to be the other sex?
Allison: 0.0uhh..no
Me: that would be a--
Allison: Jeez...Andrew would be--
Robert: Tell Andrew he's a lesbian!!!!!

139)Allison: Bubbo, clean off your face!
Robert: Ok!
Allison: NO! Not with your sleeve. With a kleenex.
Robert:...Hey! This kleenex tastes like ice cream!
Allison: -.-
Erin: EWW he's EATING it!!
Allison: ROBERT! DO NOT EAT THE KLEENEX!!!
*this goes on for oh....20 minutes*
Allison: Robbert, chew your kleenex with your mouth closed.
Erin: Spit it out!
Allison: No! Swallow it. You start eating it, you swallow it. Chew with your mouth closed!

141) Sarah, Nick & me: *decided to go to McDonalds and Sarah orders an apple pie thingie* *It's been quiet for a very long time in the car*
Sarah: *in quiet voice from the back seat* Hannah...?
Me: Yes?
Sarah: My fingers are stuck in the box.


144): Wendy: I wanna tell a joke!!
Me: Ok!
Wendy: Ok, this one was rated one of the top best jokes..ya know...good punchline...best delivery...the works!
Me: Ok go for it!
Wendy: ok there were these two guys going hunting. They're out there for a while when one of them falls off a cliff. So the other guy grabs a cell phone and calls 911. The operator asks him what had happened and he said that his friend had fallen off the cliff...and she asked if he was still breathing..and...hold on....*Wendy sits there for a minute*
Me: Then what?
Wendy: I forgot the punchline.
Me: *laughing hysterically* That WAS a good joke! *wipes tear from eye* Excellent delivery!!
Wendy: -,-;;

146) Ali and I: *In the art room*
Me: *looks at Ali*
Ali: *looks at me*
Me: *Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp*
Ali: That was nice...especially the seductive look you did right before you let ou the belch.
Me: Seductive look?
Ali: Yeah.
Me: Oh yeah that...I was thinking about how bad I had to burp, really.

147) Kratz&Me: *waiting in the Drive-Thru at Taco Bell for some time*
Me: *silent for a long time* OH MY GOD!
Kratz:What?
Me: Well...I was just about to say 'Do you see that really creepy guy just staring at us through the drive-thru window? He's got glasses on.' then...I realized it was just your reflection.
Kratz: You know...the funny thing is I was just about to ask you if you saw that creepy guy too...


148) [Alright...not much of a quote but it's pretty much the funniest thing that's ever happened to me....so enjoy! Pretty much the most awkward moment in my life...]
S'like anyway...I was at Kunicon looking for some great CDs in the Jpop room. I saw my friend, John ( some may know him as RockangeLeon) out in the hallway and I knew he was going to come into the room soon, so I kept looking at the CDs. Then, I saw something black walking towards me, as in John's Jacket. So, I stuck out my arm and wiggled my fingers at him. Then, I looked up and, realized with horror, that I was indeed molesting the nipple of the asian guy working at the CD stand. He asked me if he could help me with anything...but I was still in shock so after a moment I regained my composure and said "No, I just thought you were my friend.." Yeah. 

149)Me: *waiting for the lava lamp to be all cool* Ahh!! What's taking so long? You gave me a broken lava lamp!!
Sarah: Nooo! It just takes a while!
Me: Sarah...you're the kind of person that would give away a broken lava lamp to someone saying "heeeeeeeeeere take this lava lamp...I have anooooooooother one".
Sarah: No!
Sarah&me: *laughing hystericallY*
Sarah: Ok..I would..but not to you!

151) Sarah, John & Me: *Playing twenty questions*
Sarah: Is it an a nimal?
Me: Yes.
Sarah: *A moment later* Is it tan?
Me: Yes
John: *completely serious* Oh my gosh! I know what it is!! IT'S MY BULLET!!! *holding up the bullet on his necklace*
Me: Your bullet is an animal?
John: * A couple questions later* Wait...It's the Fxxxing Mullet Monkey, isn't it?
Me: Everytime.

152)My mom, dad, paul, my sister and me: *On the phone talking to one another*
My sister: *In completely serious yet incredibly whiny voice* Do you think Ritz Crackers are considered crackers?
My dad: *pulls out invisible pistol and shoots himself in the head*

153): Me: Would you stalk a sample person at a store?
Darren: Sample person?
Me: Yeah the ones with food sample trays. Would you stalk them and dodge behind things to get their samples?
Darren: Depends. Is it good samples?
Me: Of course. Why would you stalk a nasty sample? That's just sick and twisted.

154): Sarah: *pulls giant dog pillow onto her back*
Me: You look like a turtle ^_^
Sarah: I am a turtle...Nick! Get on my back! I'll give you a turtle ride! Sit on me like a turtle!
Nick: ehh...ok *stradles her back*
Sarah: NO! I said 'sit on me like a turtle'.
Nick: How do you sit on a turtle?
Sarah: You sit on top of it and cross your legs...indian style. That's how you sit on a turtle.
Nick: *rolls eyes* Like you've sat on a bunch of turtles before...

155) Sarah: I want to be a man.
Nick (her bf): If you were a man..I'd be gay for you.
Me: That's possibly one of the sweetest things I've ever heard.

156) Allison: *Plays one of my fave Diru songs*
Me:Oh my God I wanna have your babies!
Natalie: I like it when people say that randomly ^_^
Allison: *Plays another of my faves*
Me: Oh my God I want more of your babies!
Allison: *Plays a third*
Me: Gahh I want to have so many babies with you we're gonna fill up those little cars in the game of Life!!

157)Prof. Wahabby: *in astronomy class* Head-on collisions are bad...anyone know why?

158)Jared: *talking to me about Nick's dog* Is that Rebel? I don't want to poke you in the boob...
Nick: IN the boob? Like..inside?
Me: o.0 that'd be weird!

159)Nick, Sarah and I: *All hanging out in my room, me and sar on the floor, nick on my bed*
Nick: *crashes onto floor and rams into sar*
Sar: Aaaaaaah that hurts! *scoots out from under him* Well at least my head is o--*rolled up poster falls and smacks her in the face*

160) Nick: *Giving my parasol a hard look* That'd be a big penis *looks at my other parasol, which is larger*
Sar: *stars at the tip, which is quite strange* Eww I don't want that pee pee!

161)Me: *looking for "Out", a book*
My dad: whatcha doing?
Me: Looking for a freaking book I borrowed...It's not even mine and I have to return it!!!
My dad:good luck.
Me: *Two hours later, still frantic*
My dad: whatcha doing?
Me: still looking for that stupid book!
My dad: well...what's it look like?
Me: well...it had the face of an asian girl on it..and it said "OUT" in huge letters on it.
My dad: I found a piece of paper in the driveway that was kinda like that...* we go outside and I stare suspiciously at a newly formed pile of branches*
Me: Well, where is it?
My dad: well it's under the branches *he lifts them to reveal the exact book I was looking for*
Me: OH MY GOD! THAT'S IT!!! Ehh...what was it doing under there?
My dad: well..I found it in the drive way... and I thought it said "OUST" and I thought it was some Communist Propganda..like..a flyer...so I decided to put it under the branches...*it all seems perfectly logical to him*
Me: A communist flyer? How could you think this book was a piece of paper?? And....the word "OUT" is very clearly written in very large letters!!
My mom: He has no depth perception, nor can he read.

161)Me: *looking for my rather large book*
My dad: whatcha looking for?
Me: A book! I lost it on the way to work, and I'm retracing my steps to see where I dropped it.
My dad: What's it look like?
Me: well..it's a hardback and I took the paper cover off...so it's like ...orange and pink.
My dad: I think I saw some paper like that in the road right in front of our drive way...
Me: Great! Where is it?
My dad: outside *takes me outside and I suspisciously eye the newly formed pile of branches in the driveway*
Me: Let me guess...it's under there?
My dad: Yup *lifts the pile and hands me the book*
Me: Ok...so not even two weeks after the first book...you put another book down here, still thinking it's paper??
My dad: Hey, at least I found it.

162)Sarah&Me: *walking downtown*
Sarah: My butt really itches! *walks past the fence that was covered in tarp, realizes there's a huge gathereing of Construction Workers within earshot*

163) Julie, Rome and I: *On the lightrail*
Julie: Hey didja see that monster on the billboard?
Me: Uhhhh maybe?
Julie: Right there! Monsters!
Rome: *has a really concerned look on his face* Monsters?
Julie&I: You look concerned!
Rome: Did you say there were monsters outside?
Julie: There were monsters tearing up the railroad tracks...
Rome: *apprehensive look* Oh.......ok. (I fxxxing adore Rome)

164)Sarah, Nick &I: *walking to the car from Frankie's party*
Sarah: What's that? There's COWBOYS in that apartment...one's massaging the other and a third one's watching!!
Me: Looks like they're having a party of their own...
Sarah: What Cowboys do when no one is looking...

165)Me: *comes into Frankie's Halloween party as a Pirate*
Frank: *In drag* Oh my god your boobs are amazing!

166)Sarah, Nick &I: *Looking for Frankie's apartment*
Sarah: I feel so out of place...like the three of us are all hookers...
Me: *In pirate garb corsetness* I deal with fantasies. I'll be your fxxxaneer!

167) Sarh & I: *talking on the phone*
Sarah: *Randomly* I hate it when it's really dark in the mornings...and I have to go to the bathroom really bad...and I go in without turning on the light and I sit down...and...I get really freaked out cuz I realize that the lid wasn't up so I'm sitting on the cushion rug thing! I panic and don't know what to do cuz ... I have that carpet stuff on my ass and it shouldn't be there...and...*nervous laughter* I don't know why I'm telling you all this!!!!

168) Sarah & I: *still on the phone*
Me: God...that cat hates me. Today...she was coming over to me so I could brush her like I'm supposed to...but she started like hissing and stuff when she came up to me. Then..she started making all these possessed noises...like she was trying to talk...then she just vomits right at my feet!
Sarah: Eww!
Me: I know! She hates me so much...and I hate her too...I wish that everytime I saw her, I would just projectile vomit...
Sarah: Yeah...that'd be cool if you could do that. Someone would be like "Hey, this is Bob."
Me: And then I'd projectile vomit all over him.

169)Me: What would you use to kill someone?
Nick: I'd bludgeon them to death.
Me: Yeah but with what?
Nick: A TV remote.

170)Sarah, her mom and I: *Stuck at Colorado Mills cuz the car won't start*
AAAGuy: How many people do you have with you?
My aunt: Me, my daughter and my neice..so three.
AAAGuy: Well....we can only fit two in the tow truck.
Sarah And I: *Laughing our butts off*
Sarah: can't someone just ride in the towed car?
Me: And then the guy will ask what happened to the third person...and we'll say: "WE ATE THEM!!!"

171) Sarah and I: *Looking at the Hermit Crabs in the store*
Me: Ooo We need to find out which one's Geppetto *(we were gonna buy a supermodel Hermit Crab and name him that)*
Sarah: Yeah! *picking them all up*
Me: Ewww...these big ones...are kinda...gross...*it's crawling out of its shell while I'm holding it*
Sarah: I know...*hers are doing the same thing...in fact, they all are!*
Me: Umm....Geppetto's not a Hermit Crab..he's a...
Sarah: A..um...a...
Me: HEDGEHOG! Geppetto the supermodel Hedgehog!
Sarah: You stole the words from my mouth.

172)Me: *reading Why Do Men Have Nipples aloud* "Why do farts light on fire?"
My aunt: OH YEAH! They do!! THey really do! What's that called? A Flaming Jesus?
Me: Uhm...I dunno--
My aunt: I'll call Richard. He'll know. *calls my uncle while we're in Border's* Richard? What's it called when you light a fart on fire? *rather loudly*
Author guy we were talking to earlier: *Was coming over, but turned around and walked away*

173) Sarah and I: *walking through Target*
Me: One shoe's tied tighter than the other...I'M SO AWKWARD!!!!!!!

174) Nick, Sarah and I: *watching CLUE*
Sarah: Ahh I love Mrs. Peacock! I'm so Mrs. Peacock!
Me: Oo Oo! Who am I?
Sarah:...*Yvette the French Maid comes on the screen* Yvette!
Me: Yvette? Why Yvette?
Nick and Sarah: *Exchange looks*
Sarah: cuz..."your boobs are amazing!"
Me:...=.= *looks down self consciously*
Sarah: oh! And you know French!

175) Sarah: *loosely quoting Hedwig and the Angry Inch, walking upstairs* Damn Hannah, I can't believe you're not a boy...you're so fiiiiiiine!
My Uncle: What?
Sarah: Nothing.

176) Sarah: *putting on zebra print shoes* Damn these are expensive!
My Aunt: Faux Zebra for Real Zebra price.

177) Sarah: Nick, don't put your keys in my belly button!
Nick: But you're a car!
Sarah: What kind of car?
Nick: A hot one.
Me: Damn Sarah...I can't believe you're not a car...you're so fiiiiiiiiiine!

178)Shiny: *has a biology article she has given up on trying to understand*
Shiny, Dennis and I: *looking at the millions of people involved*
Me: Look...they have middle initials!
Dennis: John H. James. That's just such a normal name. His middle name's got to be something weird...
Me: Hermaphrodite!

179)Sarah: *Says something about the spanish names on the envelopes we're stuffing for money*
Me: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
**3 seconds later**: *door bell rings*
Sarah: Oh hell no, I'm not getting that.

180) Kratz:*online* priapism
Me:?
Kratz: It's when the blood in a guys erection wont leave. It's actually dangerous
Me: 0.0 why did you just tell me that?!
Kratz: .. For fun? Random fact
Me: Gah! I can't believe you told me that!
Kratz: yes you can. scroll up... look for yourself
Me: Stop it!
Kratz: I did say it. Thats why at the end of viagra commercials they have a warning that says if the erection doesn't go away after 4 hours, seek medical attention
Me: YOU'RE TURNING INTO A PENGUIN, STOP IT!
Kratz:They treat it with 120 miligrams of something or other....then if that doesn't work, they try to bleed it....then if that doesn't work...they have to use shunts.. I don't know what shunts are.. wanna hear more gross things?
Me: STOP STOP STOP!
Kratz: Lol ok
Me: Sicko
Kratz: Im outta info on it anyway
Me: good. Stop.
Kratz: I'm done with that, honestly, no more *slight pause* unless im dishonest
Me:CHUT UP

Warning! Fuck word ahead! er...alot.
181)Kratz: which would you find more romantic...being with the guy of your dreams on a tall building overlooking a lit up city....or being with him on the beach with a big full moon rising?
Me: the city one. Fuck beaches
Kratz: LOL
Me:fuck beaches, man
Krat: You destoryed every train of thought in my head with that one
Me: lol Good. Fuck trains too.
Kratz: at least you broke the fxxx habit... cuz you know what? Fuck x's
Me: Fuck your fucking
Kratz: fuck off you fucking fucker! Go fuck a fucking fuck you stupid fuck!
Me: Fuck that statement
Kratz: fuck! Don't say fuck! What the fuck were you thinking?! Jesus won't fucking like it if you fucking say fuck you fucker
Me: Fuck JESUS...maybe he's attractive
Krat: no...he wasn't... why, did you wanna jump his bones?
Me: If he hot--oh...but he was sorta really religious, huh?
Kratz: yeah
Me: Dammit. Fuck that.
Kratz: ...are you outta your fucking mind? You really are outta your fucking mind!
Me: Fuck.

182) Kratz & I: *talking about a guy's costume*
Me: And he made ssspawn
Kratz: When did Spawn become gay?

183) Kratz & I: *reading a caption on a picture talking about someone's trip to France*
Kratz: at the Looooooooov
Me: Loover
Kratz: Crazy French. Paris....Paree...Pauhriss...dammit...
Me: No matter how you say "Paris", it's always right.

184) Travis, Wendy, Kratz & I: *at 3 Margaritas*
Travis: Urrrgh I can't finish this...
Me: You gotta! There's some kid in Ethiopia who'd KILL to eat your NUTS! Wait! NOOOOO!!
Wendy: *explodes*
Me: I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAID THAT!!!

185) Me: I've never seen the original Star Wars...
Jar(ed): Confessing you've never seen the original Star Wars is like coming out of the closet.

186) Jar: I'M GETTING HOT FLASHES!!!

187)Kalia: What's the plural of 'Moose'?
Nick: Moose, I think.
Kalia: Oh...and 'Deer'?
Me: Just Deer, right?
Kalia: So like, everything in that family is a singular plural?
Nick: Yeah, I guess...
Kalia: Antelope?
Nick: Hmm..."We saw 8 Antelopes...Antelope"...I think it's just Antelope.
Kalia: Gazelle?
Nick: "We saw 8 Gazelle...s..." I think it's Gazelles.
Kalia: Oh good!
Me: We should just simplify everything and refer to them as singular when we mean plural. "Look at all those Car"...
Nick: "We saw 10 Dog."
Kalia: Everything being plural aside, how would you refer to a plural Jesus?
Me: Hmm...well that's still in the deer family...so it'd just be Jesus...
Kalia: I saw 20 Jesus today.

188) Me: *On the phone* My internet was being a bitch.
Kratz: What? All I heard was *mumble* bitch.
Me: INTERNET IS BEING A BITCH!
Kratz: And how it's a bitch.
Me: It's being a bitch by...
Kratz: No! It was a statement! A rhetorical question.
Me: Oh.
Kratz: I say amazing things. Shit.
Me: What? What's wrong?
Kratz: *silence* That was just a statement. *laughs*

189) Sar: Oh you gotta hear what happened to Jar's presentation. Remember how he was giving an "informative speech" for the class on how to eat a Chipotle burrito?
Me: Yeah, what happened?
Sar: Well, he got the period before that off so he could walk on up to Chipotle and get the burrito. Only, it was closed cuz it was only 10am and Chipotle opens at 11. Soo....he starts to walk back and like, this miniature hail storm gathers like right over him and follows him all the way back to school!
Me: Aww that's sad!
Sar: Yeah...so he gets back to school and he has to go to class to give this informative speech on eating a burrito he doesn't have. So guess what he does?
Me: Ehmm...?
Sar: He reaches into his pocket and pulls out an "invisible" burrito and starts to it right in front of the class! He's the only person I know who has balls enough to eat an invisible burrito in front of a class of staring people.

190)Me: You know how People are like "My kitty's my baby" or "my puppy's my baby"?
Sar: I don't even want to hear this.
Me: No, hear me out!
Sar: Why?
Me: Cuz it's this idea I had...
Sar: =.= What is it?
Me: You know how people say that about their pets?
Sar: Yeah
Me: Well...they could get like a doctor...to plant dog or cat embryos into a chick...and they could give ACTUAL birth to their pet...and it really would be like their baby!
Sar: That's not what I thought you were going to say. You're sick.
Me: Say what you want, but you know there's sickos out there who'd do it. It'll become a national fucking craze and you'll remember what I said...

191)Me: *talking about how this guy'll give me a ride to the station at 10:30 eventhough his class isn't til 4)
Mom: How come all these guys keep giving you free stuff?
Me: I don't know...I don't even do anything for them.
Mom: You just have a knack for finding Sugar Daddies.

192)Me: I was sitting my Bio Anthropology class...and the teacher walked in and I said to myself "She works with Gorillas"....I just got this feeling she was a Gorilla lady...and like five minutes later she says "I work with the Gorillas at the zoo." And I was all like "SHAZAM!" Only...not...cuz...people would think I was in the special olympics or something.

193)My sis: Angelina Jolie's pregnant. Imagine how much that baby'll go for on the black market.

194)My dad: *talking to my sister* Your kid's gonna discover a new color. That's been my life long dream...to invent a new color. I dream about it...someone in my family will invent a new color.

195)My aunt, Sar and I: *eating at Guadalajara talking about the Oscars*
Me: Do you think Steve Buscemi goes on a lot of dates?
Aunt Janet: Dunno...you'd have to watch the Oscars to see who he brings.
*five minutes pass*
Me: Who do you think Jesus would bring if he went to the Oscars?
Sar: I think he'd bring Cleopatra cuz she's so pretty.
Me: Or Angelina Jolie. I think Angelina would be funny for a his date.
Sar: That'd be like him dating the devil! Brad Pitt would be like "Aww I can't compare to JESUS!"
AJ: Jesus H. Christ.
Sar: Or my mom. I think he'd bring my mom.
Me: The H stands for what again?
Sar: I think it's Herman.
Me: Or Hubert. Or maybe it's like "aych" ...like the sound of h.
AJ: Jesus H. Christ.
Me: Waaaaaaaait a minute here...H. Christ. Hannah Christ.
AJ: Jesus Hannah Christ. I'm going to say that from now on.
Me: It'll catch on become a craze.
Sar: Wait...Hannah CHRISTina Golden!
AJ: That's just too much of a coincidence.

196)Brittany and I: *Sitting on auditorium steps*
Brittany: My mom used to raise birds when I was little too! Remember how weird they looked?
Me: Yeah
Brittany: And how you had to feed them with syringes and how their bellies got all big and all?
Me: Yeah...
Brittany: I remember once, I was feeding this baby bird with a syringe...and it got stuck! Like...halfway through, the food just wouldn't come out anymore! So...I kept pushing down really hard like this *does motion* to get it to flow...and finally I did...but like...all the food went into the baby bird so fast that it's stomach got all huge! I almost killed it! Its stomach was so fat it had to roll away cuz it couldn't walk!
Me: *cracking up*
Brittany: Okay okay, but I told you that story so I could tell you this one: Towards the end of her life, my gramma had to be fed with a syringe...
Me: oh God...
Brittany: And my mom was feeding her...and the syringe got stuck...and she tried to push hard on it to get the food to flow through...and finally she did...and it all went rushing into my gramma's mouth...and my gramma's eyes got all HUGE! But...I started to crack up cuz all I could think about was that baby bird!

197)My sister: *brings over my nephew and sits him on the couch, stares at him for a moment* He's wearing what I want to be wearing.
Me: A stripped one-piece suit with a dinosaur on it?
Sister: No, shorts.

198)Danice: I'm getting French dip!
Erin: What's French dip?
Mikalah: It's where you dip things in French people.
Me: A vat?
Danice: A vat of french people that simmers until you can squeeze the juices out. I should ask for a side of French people, too.

199) Danice, Erin, Erin's bro, Mikalah, and I: *Sitting at Village Inn, discussing cows for some strange reason*
Mikalah: So then, the old people milk them for us, right?
Erin's bro: You're confusing old people with farmers.
Mikalah: . . . oh.
Me: Unless the rooms at the old folks' homes come with complimentary cows...Danice, does your work give complementary cows?
Danice: Yes. And it's an old folks sweat shop.

200)Erin, Mikalah, Danice and I: *Still discussing where our food comes from, since French dip is French people*
Mikalah: I'm glad my food doesn't come from anything gross that we could make me lose my appetite over *eats salad*
Me: . . . Except...from the LETTUCE COW!
Erin: OH MY GOD!
Danice: How do you milk it?
Me: . . . You peel back the udders.

201) Me: So Danice, how old is your little brother?
Danice: *he's silent for a moment, then looks at me* Dicks!
Me: 0.0 What?
Danice: No...Dammit! I meant "Dix" as in the french word for 10...and I was pronouncing it phoenetically, but I didn't think about how it would really sound...

202) Kalia: My pants--I mean my mom...
Me: How do you confuse your pants with your mom?

203) Kratz & Me: *talking about moving*
Me: And it'll only be 15-20 minutes away from our parents' houses...so I can go see him if I feel like I need him.
Kratz: yeah...
Me: In case I need my cute and fuzzy fix...
Kratz: What?
Me: You know, Bongo (my dog).
Krat: Oh...I thought you meant your dad.
Me: Oh...no! Why would I miss him? That's just weird.

204) Kratz & Me: *driving to Walmart*
Me: We're HILARIOUS...to us.

205)John: *ripping on how fat Nina his cat is, stares at her* You know, Nina and Jenny Craig have NOTHING in common. They talk like MAYBE once every decade...and when they do it's more like "meow-" "WE CAN'T HELP YOU!!!!"

206)John: *talking about a game* It's GOD. It's what called your mom last night and BANGED it!
Me:...did you just call my mom an 'it?'
John: That's the only thing that concerned you? That I called your mom an 'it?' I just fucking said a video game BANGED your mom, and all you're worried about is that I called your mom 'it?!?!?!'

207)Christian (my coworker) and me: *at work watching Return of the King*
Christian: Remember when I found the one ring to rule them all? Man, that was great; until I lost it in the sink. I always liked to wear it while doing the dishes. There was something about being invisible that made it that much better...*gets reminiscent look* Ah, well, I had to go to rehab because of withdrawals from the ring. I'm glad I went before I turned into that creep *points at Gollum*.

208)Music Prof: Tell me about your musical history, everyone!
Danice: I was in the boys' choir for four years...
Prof: Oh! Can you read music?
Danice: *Looks up* What? Oh, no. I read english.

209)Danice and I: *making up ridiculous plans for Shiny's wedding involving a monkey being the ring bearer, a singing priest who cannot pronounce his r's, riding in on tigers and a curry food fight*
Shiny: You know how expensive that would be?
Danice & I: *exchange looks*
Me: That's okay...
Danice & I: Cuz it's YOUR wedding!
Shiny: =.= I would NEVER let you guys actually plan my wedding.
Me: We're invited though, right?
Shiny: Oh yeah. I'll have a clown there to entertain you guys while my ceremony is going on.
Me: I'd SO make him make you a balloon wedding ring!

210)Me: *hands customer his candy he bought*
Customer: Mmm Swedish Fish!
Me: But you bought Sour Patch Kids...
Customer: *pauses* Mmm Sour Patch Kids!

211) Kratz: *sitting at my computer* How do you make birds?
Me: What?
Kratz: You know...like the Egyptians used?
Me: Hieroglyphics?
Kratz: Yeah! How do you make those?
Me: Well, you see...that there computer's some of that new technology. Unfortunately, the keyboard isn't in Hieroglyphics.

212)Me: I'm not allowed into Forever 21...the bouncers always throw me out.
Danice: Cuz you're just a little 19 year old...
Me: I'm 18.
Danice: *eyes get huge in frantic/disbelieving shouting voice* ARE YOU CURIOUS??!?!?!?!?!
Me: 0.0
Both of us: *Laugh so hard we fall off our chairs for a minute or two*
Danice: I ... I meant to say: "Are you kidding??" Then I changed my mind to "serious," but it didn't work out...

213)Danice: *writing a story about an old woman with Typhloid leprosy* "I will always love you...even though you killed me..."
Girl in hallway walking near him: ô.o

214)Danice: *says something smart in an attempt to be a show off*
Me: Whatever, King Pompador.
Danice: Go roll stuff up on your ball in a feeble attempt to show me up!
Me: I wanna see Shiny play that game!
Danice: Yeah, I think Shiny's a contortionist, too.
Me:. . . What the hell are you talking about?
Danice: What are YOU talking about?
Me:I was talking about Katamari with the ball and King Pompador.
Danice: I have to go. Bye *leaves*

215)Danice: You're strong...like a towel!

216)Christian: *says something*
Me: Did you just call me a gay noodle??

217)Me: Yeah, Nick was my fave.
Amanda: Really? My sister was a Nick-er too!
Me: You sister was a WHAT????

218)Me: *in Russian accent* Natasha! Natasha I am not through with you!
Amanda: Oh so now I'm your Natasha and you're my....Carlos?
Me: Wrong area, dear.

219)Yanti: Danice, how do you say 'I love you.' in Philippino again?
Everyone: *looks at Danice*
Danice: . . . *BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP*
Me: *Sighs* It's such a beautiful language...

220)Danice, Helpees and I: *Sitting at table eating peas out of a bag*
Helpees: *finishes last pea*
Danice: *reaches for new one* Are you KIDDING ME? There's no more peas??
Me: Well, you could eat the bag. *puts hand in bag and moving it towards Danice's open mouth and he bites down on my hand*
Me: YOU BIT ME!!!
**hour later**
Me: *texts Danice during my class* Have fun playing with the old people, you finger biter :) (He works in the Alzheimer's unit at an old folks' home)
Danice: Hey at least I used protection.
Me: Teeth condom, grody, are you saying your teeth had sex with my fingers?
Danice: Truly.
Me: Dental Hentai!
Danice: I'm diggin' the Dancin' Queen...*texts again* More like a Dental Yaoi.
Me: What dancing queen are you talking about? And technically, it wouldn't be yaoi cuz that's gay sex and your teeth sexed up my fingers, not my teeth.
Danice: The dancing queen is my tongue. And since technically, your fingers do not belong in my mouth it was gay sex.
Me: Okay that just cracked me up.
Danice: I'm glad I can do that to you.
Me: That sounded dirty. You get frisky around old forgetful people.

221)Me: *texts Danice* We can hide out under there.
Danice: Hide out what?
Me: YOU SUCK! *throws phone* You're killin' me smalls, you're killin' me.
Danice: Who's smalls? This is Danice.
Me: You ruin every joke.

222)Kalia: What is Ikenburger's first name?
Me: I dunno...
Kalia: Well, his brother's name is Ben and he has a sister Lisa...
Me: Yeah, like we can REALLY figure out his name by his siblings, like it's name mathematics. Let's see, subtract Lisa from Ben and you get Andrew. See? *pauses* Wait a minute...IS his name Andrew?
Kalia: I TOLD YOU IT WAS POSSIBLE!

223)Danice & Me: *driving at 7am on a Saturday downtown*
Me: So, my coworker told me this joke last night that I thought was HILARIOUS! But I guess anything's hilarious at one in the morning...
Danice: What's the joke?
Me: Okay, so there was a brunette, a red head and a blonde all running from the police. They keep running, running, running until they come to a barn and decide to hide inside. When they walked in, they saw sacks of potatoes and each girl stepped inside their own sack. Then, the police barged in and kicked the bag of potatoes that the brunette was in. She says "meow-meow" and the police think it's a cat and move on to to the one the red head was in. She says "Woof-woof" and they leave her alone cuz they think there's a dog inside. Then, they get to the blonde and she goes "potatoe....potatooooe."
***SIX HOURS LATER***
Danice, Shiny & Me: *walking downtown*
Danice: *trips over something*
Me: Are you okay? What happened?
Danice: I tripped...*we both look down to see a potatoe laying on the side walk*
Me: Talk about going to the beginning of your day...

224)Danice: I spritzed myself!!!

225)Me: Wouldn't it be funny if Danice died by drowning face first in the urinal?
Danice: *walks in the room* What?

226)*people walk into my store and I listen as the man talks with the younger woman he's come with (whatever, older guys into younger chicks), calling her honey at times*
People: *come up to the counter to check out movie and start looking at what movies I had set up there*
Woman: Oo! 16 Blocks! That's SUCH a good movie, especially cos Bruce Willis is in it...he's HOT!
Me: *turns to the guy* Do you feel really unappreciated right now?
Man: *Gets weird look on his face* This is my neice!
Me: 0.0
Man: She's TWELVE but she dresses like she's eighteen. You know, I wondered if people thought that exact same thing sometimes...but ew, no.
*we stand there for a moment*
Me: awkwaaaaaaaaaard.

227)Prof Hightshoe: *runs into desk/chair* Oh sorry...you looked like a chair...

228)Me: :I need to get more friends who drink milk.

229)Me: *In Indian accent* Indian people are not supposed to feel sexy while eating cereal!

230)Nima: Hannah likes Grandma's Boy...
Shiny: *horrified look* Hannah likes Grandma's PORN?!

240: Lady: *comes into Holly vid (my work)* I need five copies of "March of the Penguins."
Christian: Er...okay...*points in the right direction*
Lady: *comes back after a while* There's only four copies. I need five.
Christian: ... Why?
Lady: For my job.
Christian: Where do you work?
Lady: I'm part of the government.
Christian: And the government needs five copies of "March of the Penguins?"
Lady: Yeah...
Christian: . . . Why?
Lady: If I told you, you wouldn't believe me.
Christian: Try me. Is imperative to our National Security?
Lady: I...really can't tell you. I'll come back tomorrow for the last copy due back. It IS due back tomorrow, right?
Christian: . . . yeah.
Lady: Okay. See you tomorrow *walks off with the four copies of "March of the Penguins.")
Me: What was that all about?
Christian: I'm not sure. If the government needed five copie sof "March of the Penguins," couldn't they have come across them much more conveniently than this?
Me: You would think so...
Christian: GOD! I want to know why she needs them!
Me: *silent for a moment* OH MY GOD!
Christian: What?
Me: They need it to study the habbits of penguins because they're crossbreeding our soldiers in the army with penguins!
Derrick: DAMMIT! I'm not going into the army now. I don't want to waddle!
Christian & Me: You were going into the army?
Derrick: Well not now that they're going to make me part penguin!

241)Erin: Give me another tylenol!
Danice: No! I just gave you some! You'll be drugged!
Erin: No! I'm not going to use it NOW! I want it for later...
Shiny: Whatever, you're going to take it the second you get inside your car.
Erin: NO! Fine...I'll call Hannah when I get home and let her know I didn't take it, okay?
Me: You know...Tylenol isn't exactly the GATEWAY drug to all other drugs!
Erin: Exactly!
Me: Nah, the Heroin she's taking is what'll do her in. And then she'll have to be checked into a clinic...probably in Antartica where she would have to play Jenga with the other patients who are probably penguins that fucking cheat all the time...

242) Me: Shiny will call us while she's with a guy and say: "Quick! He's putting his pennis in my vuhg-eena, what do I do??"

243) Erin & Me: *talking seriously about Shiny*
Erin: ...how do you spell 'Jenga?'

244) Me: Oh my God! Is that a NINJA??
Danice: *looks* ...Oh my GOD! You are going to HELL!
Me: 0.0 *it was just a very....very...dark skinned man, not a ninja*

245)Danice & I: *in haunted house*
Danice: Why are you holding my hand?
Me: *looks down, and HIS hand is the one on top holding mine* I'm not!
Girl in front of us: Sounds like something you would say! *Smacks boyfriend*

244)Danice & I: *in haunted house still, walking*
Crazy boy with plunger: *Points us in different direction than our friends*
Danice & I: *go inside the pitch dark room*
Danice: Where are we? *touches wall which SHOCKS both of us*
Me: What the hell?
Danice: *Feels around wall some more to realize all the walls are rigged to shock us, then he whips out his cell phone and leave the same way we came in and looks at the crazy kid with a plunger* That was a dirty trick.

245)Danice & I: *still in haunted house*
Danice: *notices that if he stayed on the left, he'd be harrassed by crazy chick in cage, so tries to nonchalantly swtich sides with me*
Me: Danice, you're such a little girl!
Crazy chick at haunted house: Are you a little girl, Danice?
Danice: Oh my GOD, you aren't supposed to say my NAME in a haunted house!
Crazy Chick: You better run, Danice! *guy with chainsaw lunges at Danice*

246)Danice: *speeds over the train tracks in car* As we get smashed by the oncoming light rail...
Me: Really?
Danice: Yes, Hannah, really. And now you're stuck for all eternity in a car with me...

247)Danice: *walking with me in new haunted house* Why are there so many barrells of hay?
Me: Cos people like to do STUFF in them...
Danice: Like what?
*Weird hay person jumps out of hay and scares us*
Me: Jump out like that.

248)Me: I wonder if they have bunk beds in old folks' homes...but then..what if they fell of the ladder? Wouldn't they hurt themselves? Do they have bunkbed elevators?

249)Danice: *starts crossing the street without even looking as usual*
Me: Danice!!! *grabs his shoulder and pulls him back onto the curb as truck rushes past*
Danice: Whoa...
Me: This is like the sixth time I've saved your life. I'm like your guardian angel...I save your life just so I can keep torturing you.
Danice: No doubt...

250)Shiny, Danice and I: *crossing street*
Shiny: Watch out!!! *car is approaching*
Me: Wow, we just dodged death. This is like Final Destination.
Shiny: I haven't seen that...
Me: Me neither, but I know the concept.
Shiny: What is it?
Danice: Well...these kids escape death and then death keeps trying to get them again.
Shiny: Why?
Danice: Cos it's Death...
Shiny: Doesn't it have anything better to do?
Danice and I: =.= Uhh...
Danice: It's DEATH, Shiny, that's what it does.
Shiny: Well, Death's STUPID then.

251)Erin: *looking at the food we brought her* Danice, are you sure this isn't a small?
Danice: *Using the bathroom* I'm NOT gonna fall!!!

252) Me: *trying to figure out which take out box is mine* Hmm...*goes to open one, but breaks the lid* Well, I hope this one's mine.
Danice: Me too...
Danice and I: *look inside* Ooooo! *it's HIS take out box*
Danice: This is sorta like Deal or No Deal...

253)Me: *walks out of work restroom* According to the bathroom schedule, I died on the 18th of last month...

254)Nima: So...was anyone else Aladin for Halloween?

255)Me: And the stick will go through your eye and bow-da-bow...
Danice:....what?
Me: I tried to say "out the back of your head" but..uh. It didn't really work out.

256)Me: I'm hungry, I haven't eaten since TWO!
Erin: I roar like a lion!

257)Shiny: I know what my sleeping position will be when I get married!
Me: Your what?
Shiny: You know, how you sleep with your partner?
Me: Who thinks of that?
Shiny: I saw it online...
Me: You looked it up?
Shiny: no--
Me: Who looks that up? It's never even CROSSED my mind! I don't think it would even cross my mind once I was married...I think I would just sleep sideways on the bed, forcing my husband to sleep on the floor.

258)Shiny: It's called the SweetHeart Position, it's where you lay your head on his heart and you hug.
Me: I still think it's weird.
[Pause]
Me: What if...you married a one-armed man?
Shiny: What?
Me: What if you married a one-armed man, and you couldn't hug you in the sweet heart position?
Shiny: ...I wouldn't marry a one armed man.
Me: No-armed?
Shiny: No!
Me: Three armed...he could hug you, but what about the third arm?
Shiny: Where would it be?
Me: . . . Navel.
Shiny: No.
Me: What about...
Shiny: oh Goodness...
Me: A no-legged man.
Shiny: that's creepy.
Me: One? that way he could wrap his leg around yours.
Shiny: Why are you saying this?
Me: A really, really fat man--hear me out--that was so fat you had to sleep in his folds?
Shiny: I wouldn't let him sleep on the bed. He'd have to sleep in the corner.
Me: Two headed man?
Shiny: What is wrong with you?
Me: Okay, okay. I'm just trying to help you prepare for scenarios, here.

259)Me: Shiny, you know how you have your wedding dress already picked out?
Shiny: Yeah, it's going to be white and--
Me: Do you have the guy you'll marry's outfit picked out?
Shiny: No. He can wear what he want.
Me: What if he's already picked it out, and it involves a bow-tie?
Shiny: Then he can't wear it.
Me: what if it's a tradition in his family that all the men must get married in this bow-tie that's been passed down for generations?
Shiny: Then I'd let him wear it, but I'd be pissed off.
Me: Yeah, in all the wedding pictures your hand will be conveniently on his neck.
Shiny: He has to wear a tie.
Me: But what if...
Shiny: no...
Me: He had a hole in his neck and by wearing a tie, it'd suffocate him?
Shiny: Then he'll have to deal with being blue for the ceremony.

300)Me: What if you married a man with no lips, and when you kissed him, it would leave lipstick on his teeth?

301)Erin: If you married a two-headed man, you'd get twice the kisses!

302)Shiny: I want the meat!
Me: I bet you do.

303)Me: (been calling Danice a cannibal all afternoon cos he's a vegetarian) Baby human back ribs...
Danice: Humany sauce...oh God I AM a cannibal!

304) Daanice, Erin, Shiny and I: *in Shiny's apartment and it's covered in her hair*
Erin: *Inconspicuously hides from Shiny in her kitchen to change into Shiny's dress*
[Pause]
Erin: *blood curdling scream*
All of us: *runs in to see Erin in her bra and panties*
Me: What's wrong?
Erin: When I was changing I felt something in my BUTT and I pulled it out and it was a chunk of Shiny's hair!! SHINY'S HAIR WAS IN MY ASS!!!
Shiny: What was my hair doing in your butt?
Erin: I DON'T KNOW, ASK THE HAIR!!!! *points accusingly at a literal CHUNK of black hair on the ground*

305)Erin: We need to get Shiny a vacuum.
Me: Why don't we just use your ass? Everything gets sucked up into it, anyway.
Erin: You've got a point.

306)**Alarm goes off at 5am**
Me: *Rolls over towards Erin*
Erin: God DAMMIT.

307)Me: I think Satan's at my door, and I think he wants to play Candy Land.

309)Erin: Who has a party at ten in the morning...and play Jenga?
Me: Apparently WE do.
Erin: That's why I love us.

310)Me: Are you going to move out with Erin and I? It'll be like you have no roommmates until noon.
Erin: *looks at the clock, of which is noon* Yeah, if we lived next door to here we'd both JUST be waking up because some idiots next door are having a party in the morning and getting WAY too worked up over Jenga.

311)Erin and I: *making up weird situations for us to get in once she's married to a sugar daddy*
Erin: And then when he leaves for town, I'll give you a thousand dollars on his credit card to spend!
Me: And I'd go to the Suction Cup factory and buy a bunch so I could crawl around your guys' walls! And you guys would be having sex and then I would fall down from the ceiling onto the bed!
Erin: *two hours later* Why suction cups?
Me: I dunno, first thing I thought of use a thousand dollars on...

312: Me: *Readin back of movie: "Frank Spivey, a detective who rescues a strange young girl with a horribly disfigured face and lusciously ripe body from a deranged killer. But when Spivey takes responsibility for the mentally challenged orphan, she reveals herself to be a creature of untold carnal pleasures and unspeakable violent depravities that may lead him straight to hell. She is seductress, psychopath and succubus all in one...and her name is JENIFER."
Erin: Rent it.
Me: I can't, I have to wait two weeks until I can rent new releases from work...
Erin: Well, rent it in two weeks and bring it over!
Me: Is it sick that we're both automatically drawn to crap like this?
Erin: Do you guys have Mike&Ike's?

313)Me: *telling Danice and Erin about how she got hit on by mentally challenged guys...TWICE in the same week.* And when I got off the bus he was like, 'You're a pretty laaaaaaaaaaaady.' I don't know whether to feel good about myself or if my ego just dropped drastically.

314)Me: *talking to my new manager* So...how long have you been in Colorado?
Scott: Well...I was here for the last couple days of August, all of September and now October. So I guess like A month and such.
Me: Well, seeing as it's October 24...couldn't you take the last couple days from August...
Scott: But that doesn't really count.
Me: Yeah it does. Take the last two days from August and add them onto October, and that would make it two months. Or, are you going by actual MONTHS you've been here, like you were here for August, then September and NOW October?
Scott: This is the most technical conversation I've ever been in.

315)Scott: *sees Lauren's Qdoba Burrito* It's like a baby!

316)Me: Scott, I think I'm allergic to you!
Scott: Why, are you allergic to cats?
Me: What?
Scott: Cos I have cat hair all over me.
Me: Nah. Allergic to dogs? I'm covered in dog hair?
Scott: Like, COVERED?
Me: Yes, I'm growing cultures of dog hair that I harvest. You know Locks of Love? Well it's Locks of Love for dogs with cancer and we make dog wigs.
Scott: 0.0 You went in a totally different direction than I thought you were going. I was just thinking that instead of human hair you had dog hair...

317)Lauren: *runs over "Cars" stand up from work after hours with her car* OH GOD! GUYS! You've GOT to try this! It's like aroma therapy!!
Me: Isn't aroma therapy with sce--
Lauren: Well, it's just THAT good. It BECOMES aroma therapy.

318)Me: *talking about Danice* He's not GAY, he's a SUCTION CUP!

319)Me: Oh the good times to be had in a naked suit...

320)Erin: I don't want to have sex with an STD ridden WHORE. I want to have sex with a Vegan!
Me: I think you mean virgin.
Erin:...yeah. Virgin. How did you say it the other day?
Me: Probably "virgin."

321)Erin: *in bathroom* Poop splashing in 3...2...1...2.....1......2........1......2--1!

322)Me: Erin, the world is your blow-up doll.

323)Me: There's a hole in my crotch...
Erin: In your naked suit?
Me: NO! In my pajamas. Get your head out of the gutter.
Erin: It's out of the gutter. I'm playing Solitaire.

324)My Dad: I want to go to the bathroom on the LightRail (equivalent to a subway train)
Me: You know there's no bathrooms on the Light Rail, right?
My Dad: Yeah, I know. I want to bring a portapotty on board and totaly WRECK it!

325)My Dad: *walking past large tree* If I were a squirrel, I would put my nuts there.

326)Danice: *talking about how everystore is sold out of Wiis* It's like we're using google, but there's no results!!

327)Me: You're Victorian! With the powdered wig, the mole and...
Danice: Bright. Red. Lipstick.

328)My mom: He flicked the nipple at me!

329)Erin: We'll try to find an apartment in the middle.
Me: . . . In the middle of what?

33)Danice: *Looking at the bottom of his plastic take out box of Macaroni*
Me: It's not like it's going to give you a message...
Danice: Actually...it looks like it says "cuckoo." *thinks about the message* Hey, I am NOT cuckoo!!!
Me: I think it means something along the lines of: "If you're ctually reading this right now, you're cuckoo."

34)Danice: *reading chalk writing on pole on campus* There is no knowledge behind these walls and I've got big--WHAT!

35)Me: Danice, you're such a vomit dragon *Imitation of Danice's gag reflex*
Danice: You're such a gum badger *imitation of me digging through his backpack for gum*

36)Me: *in music class talking about homophonics in Contatas* All this talk of homos and tatas cconfuses me.

37)Prof Hauger: Bach had many boys that he had to educate ...
Danice & I: 0.0
Prof Hauger: --and feed.
Danice & I: 0.0
Prof Hauger: Some were men, but it was mostly boys.
Danice & I: Oh. My. God.

338)Me: *playing Clue* I think I did it in the kitchen with a knife.

340) Me: *trying to sing an Evanescense song* Wake me up in the van. I got chloroformed. I got violated by a creep.

341) Prof Hauger: Beethoven STRADLED . . .
Danice & I: 0.0
Prof Hauger: the Classical Period.

342)Danice: *Ten minutes after I spilt his drink on him, he slowly opens up his sweater to reveal a wet spot all around where his nipple is*
Me: Danice, why are you lactating????

343) Shiny: So, what are Scotish people like?
Erin: They wear kilts.
Shiny: Do they have red hair?
Erin: Fine, they have brown hair.

344) Me: And then I called AAA and they came and unlocked my car...
Danice: And then what'd they do?
Me: Well, considering that was the only thing wrong with my car, they left.

345) Erin, Kalia and I: *Sitting in student lounge assembling the broken piggy bank puzzle while listening to the tv*
Me: *looks up* Oh my god!
Erin: What? *looks up*
Me: That man has an Elmo assassin behind him! *points to newscaster that just so happens to have a picture of elmo in the collage of pictures perfectly over his shoulder*

346) Me: *In sing song voice as we glue the piggy bank togeter* I think...I think...I think a found a match!

347) Erin: *Over the phone* Oh my god! I'm going to take a picture and I want to do this with you!
Me: Cos that doesn't sound gay.

348) Erin: *Talking to her bro, who's poking her with a toilet brush* Eww! Don't put that up my butt!
Me: You sound like Danice.

349) Erin: Because I work at a hospital, they'll waive the deposit at the apartment!
Me: You suck, Erin!
Erin: That's for BOTH of us, Hannah!
Me: Oh.

350: Erin: Thuuuuursday. I like to eat Thuuuursday!

351)Erin: And I thought she was all mung...
Me: What's mung?
Erin: Mung? You don't know what MUNG is?? I thought everybody in the WORLD said mung!
Me: I don't say mung!

352)Erin: You know those bells that are all like "Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuung" that play before sumo wrestling matches? I want one of those.

353)Erin: You make me make tea in my pants!

354) Erin: Where do Penguins get their cocaine from?
Me: The Polar Bears, their coats are made from cocaine.

355) Erin: I want to buy a big bookshelf and sit on top of it.

356)Erin: I was looking at the bookshelf that you sleep next to, you know, and I just had the sudden urge to sit on it!

357) Erin: My eyes are full of JOY!

358) Erin: *on the phone* I'm naked!
Me: *talking to co worker* I'll be right there!
Erin: Are you talking to me????
Me: NO!

359) Me: Frederich is Jessica for Short?

360) Erin: I turned down the apartment I saw today cos it had brown carpeting...
Me: Erin! You of all people I thought would LOVE brown carpeting! It's the same color as poop!
Erin: I don't like things I have to compete with.

361) Me: *Sees Danice lick his bagel* Did you just molest your food?
Danice: Of course I did, it's not like it's alive anymore or anything...
Me: That's what some rapists say...

362) Danice: *snaking his arm my pant leg*
Me: Stop! *puts hand around knees so he can't go any further*
Danice: You're the one not letting me go up your pants!
Me: Yeah, some rapists say that, too!

367) Danice: Oh no! You almost made me drop my Strawberry Candy Pandas!

368) Kalia: Fried Calamari steak? I think I'm going to get it...I mean, come on, it's a squid steak!
Me: Yeah...and they'll bring it out, and it'll be a whole deep fried squid in an ellegant pose! *we discuss this eloquent posing food for ten more minutes*
Waiter: *brings it out, and it looks a lot like fish sticks*
Me: I think we may have over romanticized it.

369) Shiny: *points to her eyes* I can't control these things!!!!

370) Danice: Why? Cos John doesn't like GAY people?
Waiter: *obviously homosexual* Can I take your guys' orders?
Danice: =.=

371) Danice: Remember when I talked about how john HATES GAY people?
Kalia & I: *look into mirror next to our table*
Me: Yeah...
Danice: And the waiter came? That was HILARIOUS! Cos our waiter's GAY!!
Kalia & I: *Crack up because we were watching our gay waiter wait on the table right behind Danice*

372) Erin: *Acts like she's going to whisper in my ear* BURRRRRRRRRRRRRP!!!
Guy at table behind us: 7.5!

373) Erin: *looks around her in a paranoid fasion*
Shiny: What are you doing?
Erin: I'm looking to make sure our waiter isn't around. I have the horrible knack for slamming people when they're behind me. Our waiter is SO UGLY!!
Shiny & I: *eyes grow wide*
Erin: What? *looks behind her to see our waiter standing right behind her waiting on the table behind us*

374) Me: Danice! You still have your gloves on?
Danice: Yeah...it was cold outside.
Me: We're in a restaurant. Take off your gloves!
Danice: *In defiant voice* No!
Me: *glare*
Danice: *defiant glare back then picks up a sugar packet and shakes it*
Sugar Packet: *Slips out of Danice's gloved fingers and flies across table and smacks against the window across the aisle*
Danice: 0.0
Me: Told you so.

375) Danice & I: *Walking*
Me: *reading paperwork*
Danice: *Slips on ice*
Me: *Catches Danice with one hand while still walking and reading, not even looking up*
Danice: Good mom reflex!

376) Me: *takes sip of Danice's tea and nearly gags* Danice! There's WAY too much sugar in here!
Danice: No...I only put three packets in!
Me: In a glass that isn't more than four inches tall!
Danice: so...
Me: That's it. You're addicted to sucrose!
Danice: Am not!
Me: *takes sugar tray away from Danice*
Danice: NOOO! Give it back!
Me: You can have sugar again when you eat meat.
Danice: You can't do that!
Me: Try me.
Danice: *pouts, then realizes he spilt some sugar grains on the table. He licks his fingers and tries to pick some up*
Me: NO! *grabs his hand and wipes the sugar off of his fingers* No sugar!
Danice: *In totally serious yet incredibly whiny little kids' voice* I am NOT a little kid! Give me the sugar!!

377) Whenever Danice wants to ask a question to anyone, he makes ME ask for him, because he's too shy...or something; and EVERY time, I go up to the person and say 'My friend here wants me to ask you..."
Danice: I have to go to the bathroom...can you ask Prof. Hauger what classes she's teaching next semester while I'm gone?
Me: Sure. *waits until Danice comes out of bathroom* Hauger, Danice wants me to ask you what classes you're offering next semester...
Danice: 0.0
***TEN MINUTES LATER***
Danice & I: *Walking on campus*
Danice: Why you do dat?
Me: What?
Danice: Why do you always ask the questions by starting 'My friend here wants me to ask you...'?? Why didn't you ask when I was in the bathroom?
Me: You neva learn, cleva girl.

378)Kalia: Let's go talk to Nancy about diseases.

379)Nancy: So Hannah, I hear you like nuts...

380)Me: *looks out Kalia's door to see a nativity donkey plugged in* There's a glowing ass outside your door...

381)Danice: *licks bottle cap*
Me: You have an oral fixation!
Danice: Hey!
Classmate of Danice: *walking by* Hey!
Danice: Oral Fixation...
Classmate: What? Did you say something?
Danice: I was talking to her...*points at me, who is hidden from view*

382)Danice: *walks into computer lab* Same sexual feelings...

383)Me: *Freaking out* Where's my Sunglasses? *looking all around*
Danice: I didn't take them.
Me: *looks up at Danice and sees my sunglasses hanging from his shirt*
Danice: *looks down* Oh...

384) Danice: I have oily skin...
Me: Me too.
Danice: Mine's so oily, you could collect the oil in a BUCKET!
Me: I bet you could collect my oil in TWO BUCKETS!
Danice: Nuh - uh! Your skin is NOT oily!
Me: This is a very odd argument...

385) Me: *paying for my food*
Danice: *waiting in line with me but not ordering cos there's not enough veggie options.*
Me: *takes the drink I ordered from the cashier and puts it on the tray*
Cashier: *Puts the drink of the guy behind me on the counter*
Danice: *picks up the drink on the counter* Thanks! *Walks off*
Me, Cashier and Guy behind me: *"Wtf" looks*
Me: *loud whisper* Danice, that's not my cup.
Danice: WHAT? *slams it on the counter and runs off mortified*

386) Cell phone guy: *asks us about our cell phones*
Me: Verizon...
Danice: *keeps walking*
Cell Phone Guy: *keeps talking to me about my cellphone* And what about your boyfriend...friend?
Me: Friend...Cingular...Hey Danice!
Danice: *turns around*
Me: Get over here!
Danice: *stops, gets in a running position, looks around for an escape route and runs into the Sketchers store*
Me: *turns back to Cell phone guy*
Cell Phone Guy: ô,o
Me: He's being a BRAT today.

387) Me: Erin wears thongs...
Danice: Then I could buy her some thongs for christmas.
Me: Awkward gift from a friend, but okay.
Danice and I: *approach the thong bin*
Me: *stare*
Danice: *stare*
Me: Well...pick some out.
Danice: I....I can't...*looks around at all the girls digging in the bin* Can you do it for me?
Me: =.= *reaches my hand in and picks the thongs Danice guides me to*
Danice: No, Not that one! The other one, the pink one. With the lace!
Me: What am I, a claw machine?

388) Danice and I: *making a build a bear puppy for Shiny*
Me: Let's name it "Ricky Ferguson" after the guys she likes...OOO a Voice box!
Danice: What should we make it say?
Me: Something about it's name.
Danice: *into voicebox while waiting in line* "I'm Ricky Ferguson, and I'm going to be an Oncologist!"
Lady in Line Behind us: ô.o

389) Girl at Build a Bear: Is this filled enough for you?
Danice: *squishes the stuffed animal* The arm's a little too full for me *squishes leg cos he wants to hear the voice box*
Girl: Why are you squishing the arm then? *in mocking voice* "ooo the arm's a little too full but ooooooooo I'm squeezing the arm!"
Danice: o.o
Me: HAHA!

390) Danice: Pick up those lacey thongs...not for me.

391) Girl at Hello Kitty Store: Can I help you?
Danice: Yeah I'm looking for something...for my friend...she's a girl.

392) Danice: Do you guys have blue bags?
Cashier at Hello Kitty Store: Yeah...
Danice: Good, give me a blue one.
Me: You're SO self-conscious!

393) Girl at Build a Bear: Now, jump up and down to create your friends' heart beat...
Danice: *Looks at me*
Me: Do it...
Danice: *does as he is told*
Girl: And now chase your tail...oh! You can't reach it...try the other way...
Danice: *does it, but under his breath:* I BLOB you, Hannah.

394) Me: *sets scarf on counter*
Girl at register: You know, those scarves are buy one get one free...
Danice: REALLY? *Throws my scarf he was feeling in my face* I'm gonna go pick one out!! *does so*
Danice and I: *Walk out of store*
Danice: *in a hurry to put on a scarf, holds his up, throws it at my face and takes mine that's around my neck* Here, I want this one!
Me: You little brat!

395)Danice: I had this dream that you and I went shopping for a wii and you kept getting distracted on the way and kept looking at everything else like clothes and by the time we got to the wii place they JUST sold their last one and I was SO mad at you!
Me: Oh really?? Cos I had a dream that you and I were shopping, too and we were looking for underwear and I remembered you liked serulian colored underwear and I kept trying to make you buy some and you kept getting really annoyed!
Danice: ô.o

396) Kalia: You guys DO realize that it's a Tuesday, we're not in school and we're STILL having lunch together?

397) Erin: *Calls my cell*
Me: Hello?
Erin: We were supposed to hang out today, weren't we?
Me: Oh SHIT! I forgot!
Erin: So did I!
Me: Wow, it's like we were MADE for one another!

398) Erin: From the 27 through the 1st I'll be going "Dark."
Me: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Erin: It's the phrase they use in 24 when someone can't be contacted.
Me: Yeah, and like I was supposed to know THAT.

399) Erin: My mom bought this little kid toilet paper...and it makes me feel bad cos there's little puppies on it and I just wipe my ass with their mouths!

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Looking for more? To be continued on My Infamous Quotes...redux!

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Back to [The Femme Fatale Problem]