Back to Poetry critique and commentary

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obsession

There is only one thing I can think of,
And it is there without love.
I try to escape from the trap,
But I have already cracked.


Scorched into my soul.
I can't avoid the pull.
Burnt deep into my heart,
I am coming apart.


Buried in my bones.
I cannot atone.
Etched in my mind
As if I were intertwined.


Flowing in my veins,
Trapped under chains.
A person it retains.
I cannot escape the pain.

By:[Dil*]
Comments: My First Poem XD.
Criticism:

[Aristotle] Well, first of all, you misspelled "criticism" :)
Anyway, I like the words, even though I can't grasp the meaning. I suppose it's personal. But almost-rhyming is something of a pet peeve to me. I think I dislike it more than most people, though. I mean words that don't really rhyme, but are placed as if they did, like trap-cracked, soul-pull... I think it should either rhyme, or not. But, as I said, that's my personal opinion. And the rythm is a bit irregular. The second and third stanza work great, but I can't quite get a grip on the first and last, which is a shame, because those are the one you remember. In the first stanza, I would like to replace 'escape' with 'get out'. It has the same amount of syllables, but the stress can be put on the first, which is easier on the rythm. And in the last, I'd replace 'cannot' with 'can't'. Also follows the rythm better.

obsession (redone)

There is only one thing I can think of,
And it is there without love.
I try to escape from the trap,
But I have already cracked.


Scorched into my soul.
I can't avoid the pull.
Burnt deep into my heart,
I am coming apart.


Buried in my bones.
I cannot atone.
Etched in my mind
As if I were intertwined.


Flowing in my veins,
Trapped under chains.
A person it retains.
I can't escape the pain.

Comments: I think soul and pull rhyme...but i couldnt get trap and cracked to rhyme, but it has some assonance in it, so it sounds okay. I agree with you on the can't/cannot thing though. So it was changed. Well this is how i want people to interpret my poem, basically it's about obsession and how you don't like doing something like drugs, but you have to. The person is trying to get away, but is failing and falling apart. And the obsession is becoming buried inside them. Also this obsession is causing them pain, but they can't escape, metaphor/symbolism: the chains. I suppose the main thing is to try to get other people to interpret it properly, and i'm not sure how to do that...
--a side note: I don't do drugs, but i get obsessed with things easily, ie: computer.


[Aristotle]
Well, knowing that, it's a lot easier to understand the poem. I guess you have a different dialect than me, when it comes to soul-pull. A good reference for rhyming is www.rhymezone.com . It lists what words rhyme with the one you enter, in the way most people pronounce it. As for conveying the message, there are different schools. I personally like it when a poem says outright what it's about. Some people prefer poems which are like riddles, and they enjoy trying to figure them out. Others yet like poems that have different meanings for different people. You need to find your own meaning. As I said, I prefer when the poem states it all outright. I think poetry is about beauty, about painting a picture with words, or conveying a message. Not about making riddles or helping some spiritual enlightenment.

[Dil*] Hmm now that I think about it, I live all the way up here, Canada :P...but it's hard to imagine how soul and pull doesnt rhyme, in the way you say it o.O You must think it's weird too, that soul and pull rhyme..ahh! Ahem..back on topic.
I like poems that have some figuring out to do, I suppose, it's more subtle...Then again, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

---

Here's another one of my poems ([Dil*]) in my opinion it's way better than the first one. Oddly enough I got my inspiration by staring at a cat statuette with a moving paw for like 10 minutes Lol, yeah i'm crazy.

Easily Amused

A cat statuette is on the counter.
It has a wobbly, nobly left paw.
Blank Black pupils stare into nothing.
Red, blue beads accenting, adorning.

I stretch my arm, I reach toward it.
I slowly give the paw a little tip.
Back and forth the golden paw started to swing.
My oh my, it certainly has a surprising spring.

Back and forth the golden paw swings.
Its gaudy gold surface shines.
Back and forth the golden paw swings.
I got to get me one of those things.

Back and forth the golden paw swings.
My eyes begin to water, lost in the motion.
Back and forth the golden paw swings.
All the amusement this thing brings!


[Aristotle] I like this one a lot. It reminds me of old idyllic poems. I can't remember the names or the dates, but I remember I like the poems. Poetry about simple things, like a flower, a walk in the park, or a cat statuette. I have some criticism, though. First of all, the last rhyme in the second stanza:
"Back and forth the golden paw started to swing.
My oh my, it certainly has a surprising spring"

Thanks, 
I agree that the spring part is kinda forced, but i dunno what to do with it...what rhymes with swing, gah.

Well, according to rhymezone.com, brings, clings, dings, flings, king's, kings, kings', krings, mings, ring's, rings, singh's, sings, slings, spring's, springs, sting's, stings, strings, thing's, things, things', wing's, wings, beijing's, like kings, xiaoping's, apron strings, water wings, colorado springs and saratoga springs.

(Later comment) Oops, those are the rhymes to "swings", not "swing"...

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Depression

The heart constricts.
The pain restricts.
The sadness from inside,
My other thoughts shoved aside.

The first sign,
I will always find.
The first blow,
The misery is starting to grow.

Agony rises in my heart,
Searing pain, only a part.
Worse than a physical blow,
It will start to show.

My fake visage is slipping.
The mask is ripping.
The happy face I wear.
It is starting to tear.

A single teardrop burns.
My despairing thoughts take turns,
Spineless, stupid, selfish thing I am.
The endless affliction, I am truly damned.


By:[Dil*]
Comments:Err...none.
Criticism:

[Aristotle]: I still think you need to work on the rythm. The rhymes are great, but the rythm feels a bit uneven. Have you tried writing with a fixed rythm, like a sonnet or alexandrin? It might help you get the hang of it. Check out Shakespeare's sonnets, for example. They all use the same rythm ("shakespearean sonnet").
Also, the puctuation at the end of the lines feels a bit strange...

[Dil*]Yeah, thanks for your help again. I can never get that rhythm thing, stressed and non stressed parts of the words...i always confuse myself. Dunno, but the punctuation makes sense to me and it went through the spellcheck okay. Can you elaborate a bit on the rhythm thing? like give examples and such.

[Aristotle]: Well, it's hard to explain. As I see it, there are lots of rules, and any can be broken, but preferably not all. You could even make up your own rules, but you have to stick to them. I don't want to impose my style on you, naturally, you should follow your own heart, but... I don't know. It's a lot about feeling. One easy rule is that rhyming lines should have the same number of syllables, and the same emphasis. That usually makes a good rythm, but not very original. I usually follow that rule, though. For example, compare:

That splendid nose! Those deep blue eyes!
As if she had captured all the amazing skies!

to:

That splendid nose! Those deep bluse eyes!
As if she'd caught the soaring skies!

Aside from the fact that skies may or may not soar (I'll put that down as poetic licence), the second one has the same emphasis in both lines, which makes it flow smoother. But then again, I could consider:

That splendid nose! Those deep blue eyes!
Within them she caught the most glorious skies!

The second line has the same rythm as the first, but many more syllables. You kind of hurry past them as you're reading, so they don't disturb the rythm. Or even:

That splendid nose! Those deep blue eyes!
They hold the infinate skies!

Which breaks the pattern completely. But I think it works. Don't ask me why. But if you use this type of rythm, you'll have to be consistent, or at least methodical.

But check out www.shakespeares-sonnets.com , for example. Shakespeare used the same rythm in all of his sonnets. Or read Lord Byron. He rocks.

Did this clarify anything, or just confuse you further?

[Dil*] err..confused more, but i can be dense sometimes. Hey i got an idea, how about you take one of my stanza's and fix it up..maybe i can notice the difference and figure it out.

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Two Faced

Disliking, disgusting,
Denouncing, Despairing
There's trust in your eyes
But you're really not caring.

The feelings you showed
In your bright eyes
I just didn't know
That they were all lies.

Manipulative, malignant,
Malicious, malversion
I knew all your good deeds,
Was just a diversion.

The concern that you had,
It was all fake,
You were slithering around me,
Just like a snake.

Seductive, sadistic,
Sneaky, sly,
Attaching to me,
You thought yourself wry.

Why would you do this?
Just to get a kick?
To damage me so,
Everything a trick?

Hateful, haunting,
Hurtful, hostile,
Your heart black,
Your thoughts vile.

Your hidden thoughts
Your second face
I will get revenge.
You, I'll erase.

By: [Doormat]
Comments:Rhyme and alliteration/consonance?
Criticism:
[Aristotle]: I like the rhyming, and the rythm works most of the time. I have some problems with the language, though. It sounds a bit... amateurish, to be honest. Can't really put my finger on it, but phrases like "I just didn't know" and "You, I'll erase" sound a bit... I don't know. Not very thought-through. It's like when you hear a song, and the writer puts in "don't you know" and "oh, yeah" into the song, so that the lyrics will fit the melody. It's just not professional (which I realise that you're not, but there's no harm in trying to seem like it).

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Distant Love

Could you love from afar?
Wishing upon a distant star?
This overwhelming attraction, I constantly pursue.
I would give anything just to be with you.

This terrible feeling, this unquenchable thirst,
My wounded heart is ready to burst.
Day after day, I am wasting away.
My being, my soul is in disarray.

Such is the price of emotion; it costs.
What a cruel curse, this feeling of loss.
Sometimes I wish I could not feel.
How great it would be, to have a heart of steel.

To not have a care, it would be easy to bear.
It’s a naïve wish, I am painfully aware.
But I am stuck, with the same question.
Stuck in my unhealthy obsession.

Could you love from afar?
Wishing upon a distant star?
I can still hope, somehow, someway,
We will be together, someday.

By:[Dil*]
Comments:None
Criticism: [Aristotle]: Well, a few things I have against this one. Three, to be exact. Firts of all, it feels a bit out of rythm sometimes. I'm a sucker for rhyming schemes, old style, like Byron and Shakespeare, but I realize everyone might not agree with me here. However, on two places, I feel the rythm is thrown off: the last lines in the first and last stanza. In the first one, I don't know why, but it feels like the stanza ends after the third line, like it should be two stanzas with an AAB, CCB rhyme pattern. The fourth line kind of tags along on a finished stanza. Does that make any sense at all? Also, I think the rythm would be improved by changing 'upon' to just 'on' in the second line. In the Last line of the last stanza, I feel that there's missing two syllables. If I'd rewrite the last two lines myself, it would sound more like:

"I still hope, that, somehow, someway,
We'll be unite, sometime, someday"

But that's just me. Plus, it's not grammatically correct to use "unite" as an adjective, but poets are above grammar :)

Ok, second, some of the rhymes sound a bit forced. Most of them don't really bother me, but the one that ends with "my soul is in disarray" feels a bit too forced. I'd recommend trying to fit in "decay" instead, which gives a much more graphic image, and combines well with the "wasting away" of the previous line to form a more coherent feeling.

Hm, it seems there will be four things, not three. The new third one is that I just don't feel any real passion in the words. No, that's the wrong word. These's obviously passion, just no... pomp, I guess. Power. It feels like you're speaking with a tired voice. And you're using quite dull words sometimes, to be honest. Consider changing "What a cruel curse, this feeling of loss," to "Such cruel curse, this feeling of loss!" "Such" sounds more powerful that "what", in my opinion, and I think you need an exclamation mark at the end of that. Also, I'd change the word order in "To not have a care" to "To have not a care". I think it flows better.

Fourth and lastl, I'll say the same thing that Ovid's teacher told him when he was studying poetry: "Use more mythology!" Now, mythology isn't necessarily an important part of modern poetry (although I still love it), but I think you could benefit from putting some metaphores into your poetry. Instead of just saying that your soul is wasting away, describe it! Tell the reader that it's laying in the ground, while worms are crawling through its rotting holes! If that's the image you want. Or, if you mean more like fading away, say that it's disappearing like the mark of a breath on a cold glass window! Don't just tell the reader how you feel, that's literature. Paint images in his/her mind! that's poetry!

This seems like an awful lot of criticism, and, to tell you the truth, I think this isn't as good as your last one, or even your first one (!). It's definately not bad, but I know you can do better. I've seen you do better. As the directors say: "Once more, with feeling!"

[Dil*] Ack...this is what you get for not practicing it for a long time....hmm this will take a while to take in.



Distant Love

Could you love from afar?
Wishing upon a distant star?
This overwhelming attraction, I constantly pursue.
I would give anything just to be with you.

This terrible feeling, this unquenchable thirst,
My wounded heart is ready to burst.
Day after day, I am wasting away.
My being, my soul is in deep decay.

Such is the price of emotion; it costs.
Such a cruel curse, this feeling of loss!
Sometimes I wish I could not feel.
How great it would be, to have a heart of steel.

To have not a care, it would be easy to bear.
It’s a naïve wish, I am painfully aware.
But I am stuck, with the same question.
Stuck in my unhealthy obsession.

Could you love from afar?
Wishing upon a distant star?
I can still hope, somehow, someway,
We will be together, someday.